Communication has changed drastically and we still have not developed the skills to use it with effectiveness.
When I was younger we had a home phone that was on a party live. Due to limited resources in rural areas , Bell South provide service that connected several homes. Each family was assigned a certain ring. If anyone on the party line was talking, it prevented anyone else from using the line. Then any neighbors on your party line could ease their phone off the hook and ease drop. Gossip spread fast.
Prior to having our own line, my high school sweetheart, who later became my husband, would call and call only to get a busy signal for hours sometimes. When he finally was able to reach me, he would often detect someone picking up and listening. He would usually make weird remarks until they hung up. As I stated earlier, you have so many of avenues of communication now that my party line sounds like an extinct dinosaur. I gladly adjusted to new technology and appreciate the convenience.
This week I recieved a text with an evite attached. A cousin had sent it and asked me to send it to others for her. My phone then started getting texts with questions about the event. My thoughts were, “Hmm, I sent the evite as asked, but obviously no one paid close attention as they scanned one of their large number of text that day.” Had they carefully read the evite they would see I was just the messenger and not the host that could answer their questions.
People have so much communication flowing today that they often miss important details. Can you imagine how full the skies would be if everyone used a carrier pigeon for every text, call, facetime sessions and emails? Oh, I forgot to include instagram, tiktok and others.
Effective communication takes thought. Way too often, we fire off a quick text that gets taken the wrong way. The most effective communication is looking into someone’s eyes and watching their facial expressions. Men can be read easier if you know what to look for. A smile accompanied by tightened jaw muscles betrays their true feelings. Caregivers learn to calm themselves before talking to someone with dementia. We should practice this same hesitation and take time to phrase requests for help in a way that will be recieved correctly.
Caregivers find it neccessary to send invitations to join their caregiving party when overwhelmed. This invitation might be ignored. It might offend someone. It might lack the appeal to tempt some to accept. What would you even say? Let’s give it a try.
Dear Family Who Are Too Busy Too Care,
I am drowning over here. The dishes are piled in the sink. Laundry sits in baskets waiting to be done. The grass needs mowing. Mom has hidden my keys and her glasses today. She has 2 doctor appointments next week. We are nearly out of groceries and I am exhausted.
Would you like to drop by some day to help?
Wrong approach! Do not expect help from this invitation. This approach will not work. Expect criticism on your ability to handle things. Expect judgment about your complaining and whining. When communicating with family and friends, remember you will have to take a deep breath and carefully choose your words. Don’t just hint that you need help. When hints aren’t effective you will end up frustrated. Stating that you need help can make you feel guilty. It is hard to admit that you are struggling. It is hard for family to not get defensive because they feel guilty for not helping more.
After praying for wisdom and seeking God to prepare hearts, attempt an honest conversation with the person you are asking to help. Tell them your concerns and ask for possible solutions. Try something like this.
“Jane, mom has a cadiology appointment next Tuesday at 2 pm. My car needs an oil change and I really would like to get my hair cut. Could you please take mom for me? Even better, I will take mom and let you come for a visit on Friday from 1-4. She would love singing with you and I could schedule a haircut, get the oil changed and bring dinner home for all of us to enjoy. Which might work best for you?
It is alright to share that you are exhausted. Explaining the changes in behavior you are dealing with and a lack of sleep due to your loved one roaming at night might help your family have a clearer understanding of how difficult caregiving is.
Communication is vital for families who have someone with dementia. Find time to meet together. The quote below sums up effective communication.
“You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won’t mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever…. connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.”
― C. JoyBell C.
Take a break. Make a list of things you need help with. Decide who can help you. Carefully word your request and doing it over a cup of coffee may help. Choose your timing.
I know you are the one overloaded and should not have to make the request. I have been in your shoes. Don’t hold a grudge against others for not just seeing your need and offering their assistance without the ask. Everyone is wired differently.
Be blessed and pray for God to order the steps of others to come your way. Your most important communication will always be with God.
Word for Today
Moses had been given the task of being a leader over a nation of many. You have been given the task of leading someone on the path of Alzheimer’s and God’s words spoken to Mose can be applied to you.
Exodus 4:12 “Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear Heavenly Father,
Here I am again feeling frustrated and exhausted. Forgive me for getting angry and hurt when family and friends abandon me in the task of caregiving. Teach me how to ask for their help. Prepare their hearts to hear my request. Let my communication be spoken with love and not sound like whining and complaining.
Amen
Walking Them Home 