Caregiver Overload

Athletes train for years to be able to lift heavy weights. They watch their diet and are disciplined. Their physical strength is amazing. They have a goal in sight and strive to accomplish it.

Caregivers often are blindsided with a heavy load to bear. There have been no times of intense training to prepare them for their task at hand. Their only dream is to provide the best care they can. They feel as if they were run over by a fast moving train with little or no warning.

A lack of knowledge about dementia may lead them to overestimate the patient’s abilities.

The reality is that when the hard truths reveal themselves you realize just how much is expected of you. There is a book entitled The 36 Hour Day. Caregivers pack 36 hours worth of tasks into a normal 24 hour day. Caregiving overload can occur. This results with the caregiver being in a state of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion. The demands of caregiving exceed the caregiver’s capacity to cope effectvely.

Some common signs are as follows:

Physical – chronic fatique, disturbed sleep, headaches, weight changes, and lowered immunities

Mental and Emotional – Depression, Anxiety, Loneliness, Guilt, Irritability, Anger, Sadness

When you are so focused on taking care of someone else, you neglect your own needs. Sacrifices will be made, but you need to take care of your own needs such as medical appointments.

I had been taking care of my parents and handled their doctor visits and filling out their forms for many years. I went to a physician for myself soon after my last parent had passed away. The receptionist handed me a new patient form. Out of habit I started checking boxes of everything that was wrong with my parents on their visits. About half way through the list, I laughed at myself and went to get a new form. What would their reaction have been if I had diabetes, Alzheimer’s disease, high blood pressure, urinary incontinence, a heart murmur, swallow issues, a replaced knee and mobility issues?

Yes, caregiving had been a little stressful. There were many times I felt the fatique and frustration. I sometimes wished I was a well trained athelete. That would have made running easier when I felt like a hamster on a wheel.

Today I talked with a caregiver who is older than me. Her spouse has Parkinson’s disease with dementia. She has a heart condition herself. A couple of years ago, she collapsed in the floor from pure exhaustion. Her husband started shaking and crying. Her daughter walked in and rushed her to the hospital. Someone had to be called to stay with her husband while she was at the emergency room. No one wants to end up in that situation.

Sometimes we can lighten the overload by asking for help. Finances can become strained and you simply cannot pay someone to help. I encourge you to look into the GUIDE program with medicare. This funding enables you to hire in home assistance. Check with government agencies in your area. Contact the veterans agency if this applies for you.

In the past many families shared the load of caregiving. Extended families live far apart today. The whole family can adjust to provide the primary caregiver a short time of respite. Communicating your need without trying to place a guilt trip can be tricky. Provide them will some ideas of how they can help. Even teenage grandchildren can become involved. They can pay for services to help you and your loved one survive.

Here are a few suggestions.

Order and pay for a meal delivery

Pay for an in home caregiver 1 day a month

Come and be the caregiver for a weekend

Hire someone to clean every other week

Take the car to get an oil change

Hire someone for lawn care

Depending on your own social connections, you may have friends, church family or neighbors who would be willing to help you. Do not let pride or embarassment deter you from seeking help. Even the strongest people can begin to limp along when carrying a huge load.

When the symptoms of overload begin, reach out for help.

Don’t wait until you are sinking!

Word for Today

Psalm 68:19

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Some days I struggle under this load of caregiving. I am tired and weary. I need a good night’s sleep. I make myself keep going because I am the only person my loved one has daily to meet their needs. I need you to bear my burdens today. Give me peace, comfort and meet each of our needs.

Amen

Denial about Alzheimer’s Diagnosis

My dad worked in the cast house of a plant that produced huge aluminum ingots. The heat was intense. He wore fire resistant clothing to protect himself. He was knowledgeable about the danger. A blast from the furnace held intense heat. It would have been foolish to let a new employee face this danger without educating him first. Late one night there was an explosion. My dad had already clocked out and was on his way home.

When you hear Alzheimer’s disease or other related words come from a physician’s mouth, you mind reels from the impact. You feel numbed by the words. Then your mind screams “no”. It is much like the explosion at my dad’s plant.

Denial serves as a buffer while you try to process the truth. Processing this truth is emotionally draining. Your whole world has just been turned upside down.

For a while you will feel as if you are living in a snow globe that some hyperactive child is shaking. Finding a way to adapt to an ever changing environment is not easy. When you are ready to accept the diagnosis, keep in mind that the person with the disease is trying to accept it as well. Allowing yourself time to grieve the current and future losses is necessary. You will be able to move forward. The timing of moving forward varies from person to person.

The caregiver will likely accept the diagnosis first. It is very important to talk with the patient about the disease. Be sure to reassure them that you are in this together.

Sadness will surround you. Try to focus on what you can still do. When you are ready to share the information you may find some relationships become stronger and friends and family are willing to help you. There may be some who are frightened and unwilling to accept the news. They may distance themselves from you.

I was not shocked when my mom’s diagnosis came. I was familiar with Alzheimer’s and had already seen the cognitive decline. My dad struggled with it. He had been covering for mom without even realizing it. He hid his emotions and would not tell friends. That was not best for them. They had a huge circle of friends in their church that would have stepped up to help. Instead, they did not understand why my mom would not say hello or acknowledge them. Everyone assumed that she was upset with them. I went to church with them when I was visiting. Their friends noticed that I was in town much more often. They approached me and asked me to forgive them. Someone had gone over to sit with mom and realized instantly that she was not herself. They were shocked and guilt ridden for not seeing it sooner.

I have since had an opportunity to speak to a senior group at their church. I talked about normal aging and when to be concerned. This gave me a chance to share how important it is to have support as a caregiver. I concluded by telling them I would stay for a few minutes to answer questions. A line quickly formed. I noticed a couple who kept getting out of line and then joining the back of the line. When it was just me and a janitor they slowly approached. A humble and soft voice said, “my wife has Alzheimer’s and she knows it”. I hugged both of them and asked who else knew. They replied, “no one” and then asked who they should tell. I encouraged them to tell their children and a few close friends to start building a small support team. They could tell others when they felt they were ready to.

You are not alone. Currently, over 7 million Americans aged 65 and older are living with Alzheimer’s disease. This number is expected to rise to nearly 13 million by 2050. When you are ready to learn more and prepare for this time of caregiving, I suggest reading this book, The 36 Hour Day. Seaarch for a local support group. There is an abundance of online courses, podcasts and blogs.

If this is new for you, take a breath and pray. You can do this.

Blessings

Word for Today

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

This disease may have caught me by surprise, but it didn’t catch you that way. Give me courage as I accept how my future is changed as I enter into a life of caregiving. Help me to trust you rather than give in to fear. Give me wisdom and be my counselor as I learn to adjust.

Amen

Breaking Old Communication Habits

Face to face is a marvelous form of communication. I can see reactions and hear voice inflections. Text messages are alright; however there is much room for misunderstanding. There is much to be said in hearing someone’s voice. My husband and I can connect with a meeting of our eyes across a crowded room and know what you other is thinking. We have built this ability to communicate well moment by moment, day by day and year by year.

Most of us have habits. These play into how we communicate and relate to others. Perhaps the couple above established the habit of kiss and makeup early in their relationship. They understood that they could be opinionated and have fiery conversations. It did not mean they didn’t love each other. They both also have personalities that forgive and forget.

My husband speaks fluent sarcasm. It is a way of teasing me. I get it and just roll my eyes instead of taking him literally. This works for now.

Both of these examples can become very difficult to navigate if one member of each couple should develop Alzheimer’s disease. It forces us to break our old communication habits. The husband in example one needs to realize that his wife will now see him as angry all the time. I might take the sarcasm as literal statements.

Take the word great as an example.

I say “honey I can’t find the keys”. He replies “Great”. I sigh with relief that he is happy about it. At least in this conversation, I am happy because he is happy. He is really upset but my dementia is protecting me. My hubby says. “Oh, no, don’t worry—I’ll do the dishes for the third time today.” Currently I would know he was taking a jab at my not doing the dishes. With dementia, I would think what a nice man. Again, I am happy because he is happy.

Our words are not as loud as our faces. If my mouth doesn’t say it, my face definitely will! Persons with dementia read faces very well. You may have to learn how to control your own facial expressions. While you think that one over, I have another revelation. The person with dementia will lose their ability to recall words. You will have to read their expressions instead of listening to their words. While on the topic of listening, selective hearing is no longer allowed. This will result in angry. Learn to be patient! Get reaady to hear the same questions over and over and over again.

Asking someone to complete a task is futile unless you speak in simple terms. Give simple one step instrctions. Otherwise you will be met by the look below.

They simply cannot process all of the information. My father-in-law would get angry because all of his important tax papers were not where they were supposed to be. He complained to me that he had handed them to his wife and asked her to file them for him. That had worked in the past, but everything changed when she entered the early stages of cognitive decline. He was in denial about the situation and assumed she would take care of things like she had in the past. His frustration and denial was only making her irritated. We decided to step in and sent them to go shopping so my husband and I could find the hidden papers and file his income tax paperwork for him.

I learned how to break a habit the painful way. I had called my mother by “Mom” since childhood. One morning I walked in, kissed her on the cheek and said “Good morning Mom”. Instantly, she began to cry and call out “Momma, momma”. My heart broke. In her mind, she was now a child, not someone’s mom. Linda had been her name her parents and siblings called her. The next morning I greeted her as Linda. She remained calm. From then on I said the word Linda as my heart cried out mom.

Slow your conversation down. Allow them time to process the words. Give them time to find their words. Once free flowing convesation becomes a trickle of words.

How you communicate with someone with dementia requires trial and error as you make adjustments to be effective as they lose skills. Think about ways to make these adjustments. You now live in Alzheimer’s world. The rules are different here.

Arguing doesn’t work.

Reasoning doesn’t work.

Asking them to make a choice causes confusion.

*PATIENCE is critical in communicating.

Word for Today

Proverbs 15:18

A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

Song for Today

This song helps focus on how temporary our struggles are.

Pray for Today

Dear God,

How great your truly are! I know I can turn to you on the good days and on the ones that are a struggle. Give me grace as I try to show grace to those I care for. Help me to slow down and rest in you.

Amen

At Journey’s End…New Beginnings Happen

The word journey is scattered abundantly in this blog. There is a reason. One can define journey as a process or course likened to traveling, such as a series of trying experiences; a passage. When you become a caregiver of someone with dementia such as Alzheimer’s disease, you take their hand and enter a passage until their journey is completed and you are left alone after saying goodby.

This happened for a lifelong friend this week. Most of the caregiving for her mom feel on her shoulders. She called me a week ago and mentioned that the words “she is not actively dying yet” had been spoken by hospice workers and she wanted to know what that meant. I told her and explained the changes to watch for. We could share openly because she and my own mom had been long time friends.

I went on Monday to say goodbye to her mom amd to hug her. On Thursday her mom completed her journey. I attending the funeral and watched my friend and her siblings as they were processing their emotions. All of them will miss her immensely just as I miss my mom. They will find themselves adjusting to a new schedule, one not centered on caregiving.

The longer you walk the journey with someone effects how long it takes to adjusting to your new life. You may now be a widow, orphan or only child. The role you have played in other poeple’s lives changes to a new role. You may have laid aside jobs, hobbies, social events, visits with friends and so much more during the caregiving years. Your life slowly shut down around you. Stepping back into a new life takes time. Overwhelming emotions surface.

Don’t rush into change quickly. Relax. Grief. Just breathe.

Take time to rest. Evaluate your talents, giftings, strengths and discover what makes you feel fulfilled.

I have decided to let you in on what I have been up to in my post caregiver life. We have lambing season going on. These little ones arrived on the last cold blast we had. Their little jackets are sleeves from an old fleece hoodie. Now that is warmer our newest two additions don’t need them anymore. We finally caught them to take the jackets off. We now have 8 baby lambs and are waiting on the last to be born.

The idea of raising sheep was no where on my radar for post caregiving life. We have pastored a church, so shepherding this flock should not be too difficult. We drive out to the pasture early each morning to see if there are any new babies. We go out again in the late afternoon to watch lamb races. They skip and run as we laugh. Then we usually stay to watch the sunset.

Gardens are being planted. Blueberry plants have buds. Chickens are laying plenty of eggs. We are blessed. Country living is not a bad life at all.

I pray that each of you find a place of peace and contentment when your journey concludes as a caregiver.

God still has wonderful plans for you.

Word for Today

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

God,

Thank you for being patient with me as I process emotions and wait on you to heal my heart. Give me hope that you do have plans for my future. Help me to find pleasure in the little things. Help me trust your plan.

Amen

Storm Preperations Have Begun

When you live in the south the word snow brings excitement. The word ice brings panic. We are hearing both words and live on the dividing line. Ice means downed power lines and trees are abundant on the farm and the roads leading to our farm. We are heeding the warnings and preparing for the developing storm.

Laundry is being processed, soups are being cooked and bread is being baked in case of a power outage. Thankfully, we have gas logs and solar backup batteries ready. Outside we are building a sheep shelter, moving the grill to a sheltered area, placing hay near the sheep and making sure the dogs have a safe shelter. These ice storms are rare but dangerous.

When you find out a loved one has Alzheimer’s disease, this is a storm warning. You should begin preparing yourself and your home before the storm hits. This may sound absurd considering absurd mean wildly unreasonable, and illogical. Your heart will not allow you to face the harsh reality that life as you have known it is about to be shaken and rocked in ways you can not imagine.

It would be unkind and uncaring for me to not make you aware of what the future may hold. Just as I am preparing for the snow and ice storm heading my direction, I planned for changes as my mom began living with Alzheimer’s disease. My dad was her primary caregiver, but should he have passed away first, I was next in line. This meant researching in home caregivers, assisted living facilities and physicians should I have to relocate mom to me. I lived with plans a, b and c in place. A suitcase was always packed and ready to go if dad called for help.

I traveled back and forth from my home to theirs for several years. These trips allowed me to be there for physician appointments and to evaluate how the disease was progressing. They also gave my dad a break. Each trip waas heartbreaking on the drive home. I would be making mental notes on what I had experienced.

Eventually, we had to hire in home help. Next we made a move to a memory care assisted living. Dad began to lose cognitive judgment and executive order skills. We moved mom to a skilled care facilty. In the last few months of mom’s life I moved both parents to facilities near me. Dad could walk from his assisted living to mom’s skilled care through a covered and enclosed walkway. I could be there as often as possible, which was usually about 5 times a week.

All of the decisions about moves and care plans had been in place before we needed them. We were on waiting lists knowing we could say no if we weren’t ready yet.

To be able to make these decisions, you have to research, observe changes, ask questions. Seek out an elder care lawyer for wills, power of attorney, trust, etc. Have hippa forms signed, make decisions on DNR orders, decide how to handle feeding tube decisions. Then gather family and friends to be backup support when needed. Trust me on this one. You will need support!

We started this blog discussing our stormy weather ahead. My husband and our neighbor are working together to prep for this storm. Life has taught us to accept and offer help. Caregiving has taught us that the load is lighter when we share it.

The word Alzheimer’s is one you will hear someday in your family or friend group.

Over 7 million Americans are currently living with Alzheimer’s disease, and this number is

projected to rise to nearly 13 million by 2050.

Now is the time to prepare for hearing those words. Instead of living in fear, live prepared. Find a seminar or support group and educate yourself.

Word for Today

Psalm 4:8

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Life is full of storms that we must face. I trust in you to guide my steps as I prepare to face the storms. Give me your peace as th storm rages. Give me hope that you are in the storm with me.

Amen

Most Critical Mistakes I Made as a Caregiver

Caregiving is usually full of lessons to learn the hard way. Each and every caregiver I know can share their own stories of what they learned. I will share a few today from my own experience.

Communication is vital even when others do not understand or agree. I should have talked to my mom about her concerns and fears early on. My heart and emotions were reeling and I was afraid to. She had always been responsible and hid her own emotions well. This made it hard to know how she was processing information. Knowing how important it is to show empathy, I should have taken her hand and acknowleged that I was scared and sad too. Even if she did not vocalize her feelings, I could have let her know I was with her and understood.

I would have tried harder to help my dad understand how his own behavior would have to change. When you care for someone with Alzheimer’s disease what works one day may not work the next. We cannot argue and try to reason with them. Their reality and ours may be very different, but we have to move into theirs to be effective.

I would understand the behavior changes due to pain and fight placing her in a geri-psych unit without treating the pain first. We had a terrible experience when we placed mom in a memory care unit. They called about four days later and told me she was out of control and I had to take her to the hospital. She was angry anad aggressive which was totally not the person I knew.

It was late in the evening and the nurse was waiting on us. They took her straight into the emergency exam room. I called for someone to come and take dad home. When I came back into the room, they were testing for a uti infection. It was positive. The nurse lifted my mom’s top and saw red. I watched in horror as they removed her bra and she cried in pain. A nasty yeast infection was under her breast. The nurse saw my shock and asked where mom had been living. I told her and saw her spring into action to calm mom and immediately bring a physician in. I would not want to have been the person from the facility that answered the call when I heard his reprimanding.

I allowed mom to be admitted into the geri-psych unit because that is what they suggested. Today, I would have asked for a regular room for a couple of days to treat the uti and yeast infection. I would have stayed with her 24/7 and evaluated the anger and aggression. Then agreed to the other if behavior was still an issue. This was a hard lesson learned!

These units are necessary. The medications used do not always work. They try one and then another. This process sped the loss of skills and my mom never regained them. She had walked in and was talking well. We came out in a wheelchair and speaking fewer words. I knew she was overmedicated and began talking to her physician. He and I together decided to move mom to a skilled care facility where their medical director could ease her off of some of the meds.

These lessons are shared not to scare you, but to help you understand it is not easy to always know what to do. My mom would have lost those skills anyway as the disease progressed.

Caregiver stress is real. My dad was showing signs of poor judgment and decision making as mom’s disease progressed. I should have monitored finances earlier than I did. Someone not in the family had been talking dad out of quite a bit of money. He had always been a generous and kind man, so she took advantage of that. It was elder abuse. My brother and I confronted dad with the bank records and ended the situation thankfully.

We actually dealt with one parent with Alzheimer’s disease, one with mini strokes, one with cancer and another with what we thought was vascular dementia. When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with vascular dementia, I accepted that. As time passed it, I questioned the diagnosis and her physician had moved. Strange and stranger behaviors were happening. There were days that she came across as her normal self and others full of delusions and hallucinations. After her death, I found that one of the most unusual behaviors had a name, Capgas syndrone.

It is a rare psychological condition where an individual believes that a loved one has been replaced by an identical imposter. She would tell us her husband had been there. If someone reminded her that he was deceased, she would say “you know what I mean, it was the other him”. One day during a visit, she insisted that we were not the real us. We looked, sounded and acted like the real us but we were not the real us.

All the the above led me to believe that she actucally had Lewy Bodies which is often misdiagnosed. I would have tried harder to find her true diagnosis. It would not have changed how we cared for her, but it would have helped other family members understand what she was facing and helped them accept what we were dealing with.

My mistakes allowed me to learn to observe more, be patient, be diligent and remain humble. Trusting God to strength me and give me wisdom and grace got me through.

Word for Today

Philippians 2:14-16 (New International Version

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for your amazing love and grace. You are where I run when I feel regret over my mistakes. You hold me in your arms and comfort me when I walk in pain. You pick me up and steady me to keep going.

Amen

It has been 10 years

Today I dedicate this post to my beautiful mom.

Dear Momma,

If you could see my heart, you would see little stitches sewn by God as he heals the gaping hole you left when you passed ten years ago. Every ounce of me wanted to take the horrible disease called Alzheimer’s from you. I coudn’t, so I decided to learn everything I could about how to help you and make you feel loved and cared for.

Little things remind me of you all the time. When I received red roses for my anniversary this month, I remembered how much you enjoyed them when Dad bought them for you. When I savor grapes, I remember how much you loved them. Wearing pieces of your jewelry makes me feel joy. An unfinished jigsaw puzzle sits on my dining room table. Actually, it is your dining room table we used to sit at together.

Don’t feel bad about me taking care of you. Those years are treasures for me. I saw little glimpses of all that you are. The inhibitions disappeared and I saw a fun woman giggling and humming. It was a side of you that you had hidden away to be a responsible and mature adult.

I watched a woman who was secretly called the sugar police by her sisters devour cookies, ice cream and desserts. It felt freeing to see you were more normal than we had thought.

I learned to love my family deeply from you. I learned to make sacrifices for others from you. I learned to clean from you, but it didn’t make me a total neat freak like you were.

You took phone calls at home from confused older customers at the bank. You gave children a ride to church. You rocked babies in the church nursery. You shared food from your garden. You would go to the nursing home to feed my grandfather when he wouldn’t eat for anyone else. You drove through the night to be there for my toddler while I was in the hospital with her baby brother. You even picked cotton by hand to buy fabric for my new clothes when I started to school. The wonderful memories of you are flooding over me now.

Your family has grown a bit since you were here. With my brother having six children, we have had a few weddings and a few more babies. Liz wore your ring at her wedding. She asked for a photo of you and dad to display. I chose a photo without noticing that you had that very ring on. We both teared up when we realized it. You have two amazing great-grandsons now. What a reunion we will have one day!

It was an incredible honor to walk on one side and have dad on the other as we walked you toward your final home. You and dad made me a better person. I love you so deeply and am looking forward to joining you in heaven when my life here is over. Give dad a hug and ask him to give you one for me.

Love,

Your daughter

My letter was how I chose to journal today. Journaling is one of the many ways I learned to cope. Realizing that being in the moment with my mom where she was in her mind at the time made taking care of her much easier. The years spent taking care of her long distance and in her home were difficult. Many lessons were learned about God’s incredible grace and strength. Moving mom to skilled care was heartwrenching, but dad visited daily and I did once she moved closer to me during her final days.

I cannot count the tears that rolling down my cheeks as a caregiver. I shed tears writing this post. Comfort was always found in knowing that God saw those tears. When Jesus came to his friend Lazarus’s tomb, he wept. If Jesus wept, then it is perfectly fine for us to weep as well.

You will find your own ways to cope. You will grow and stretch. In the end, you will be stronger than you ever thought possible. Keep giving it your best my friends!

Word for Today

honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.

Matthew 19:19

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I praise you for the time I had on earth with my wonderful mom. Thank you for walking with me each step of the way. You held me when I was broken. You comforted me when I was scared. You gave me strength to do things I never knew I was capable of doing.

I ask today that you do the same for anyone reading this. Pour unexpected blessings into their life. Send friends to share the load they carry. Give them peace at night to rest.

Amen

Merry Christmas!

Two posts for one today. I just wanted to add this post before the end of the year. This is a time I have set aside to celebrate the birth of Christ and the upcoming anniversary with my husband. My mind is racing with what the future holds.

We were so young when we began this journey of life together. Reflecting over the years we realize there have been too many times we put things off until later. At our age, later is here. Leading a caregiver support group means hearing a lot of stories that ring true for us. Too many of my caregivers talk about the plans for their retirement years that unraveled due to Alzheimer’s invading their life.

We are choosing to do a few of the things we enjoy that we can afford to do.

slow down and enjoy sunsets
sit by the firepit and watch meteor showers
fish on a pretty day
garden
tend our sheep
visit with our friends
take a drive in the country
volunteer
eat when hungry….sleep when tired

You get the idea. We have a lower income now so we are learning to be content with what we have. All of us look ahead and face a question. How long do we have? Make the most of your time.

Caregivers have an uncertain future with their spouse. My dad learned to put my mom’s makeup on. Another man I know bought his wife who was in the late stage of Alzheimer’s a doll. Every night he tucked the “baby” in after she kissed him goodnight. Your love for each other will not die. You just learn to express it in a different way.

Sometimes the unexpected changes hold hidden blessings. Look for your blessings.

Word for Today

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Song For Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

We are so blessed by you. We praise you for the many blessings you have given us.

Amen

Grief Triggers During the Holidays

I am sitting here by my Christmas tree thinking about family that has gone ahead of me to heaven or those who live miles away. The ornaments hold stories. The first Christmas with each of my children and the ones made by my children and grandchildren have their own section. It is in the back corner of the tree where only my hubby and I know they hang there reminding us of them. There are spun glass hearts and angels that once hung on my mom and aunts trees. Glass humingbirds remind me of my in laws and their love of hummingbirds. There is a long nail spike to remind us of the price Jesus paid for us.

A smaller tree is in the den. It has Alabama football ornaments from a tree we gave my dad in his assisted living facility. We had put it up the first game of the season and grandchilren sent ornaments. We added one after each win. The staff came to talk to him and tease him if they were fans of another team. I can see his smile now as I recall how happy this made him.

On my porch there are wood block pieces from a nativity set my children made when they were young. I only have a few blocks left, but I display them.

Deciding on which cookies to make always reminds me of the ones our grandparents and parents made. Mom made hello dollies. Granny made sand cookies. Ma made an incredible pound cake.

All senses are engaged during Christmas. Seeing and touching decorations can cause your mind to zero in on your missing family members. Hearing a certain Christmas song may bring tears to your eyes. Smells such as cinnamon can transport you to a kitchen from your past. You can almost taste gingerbread without taking a bite.

Grief can hit you with gale force winds at the most unexpected times. I was sorting, discarding and packing up items in my parent’s home. It was going well and I was excited to be making great progress. I picked up a bowl full of potpourri and noticed how dusty it was. I turned to pour it into a nearby trash container.

The aroma of my mom’s favorite scent overwhelmed me. A tear formed and I dropped down on my knees sobbing. My husband found me and rushed in to see if I was alright. Sobbing uncontrollably is very rare for me. I had not allowed myself to truly grieve the loss of mom because my dad had needed me to be strong. It was as if a dam broke when that familiar smell filled the room.

Allowing myself to grieve was healing in many ways. When the tears ceased I was able to thank God for giving me parents that were amazing. Our shared love did not end when I lost them. It gave me an uncredible foundation to keep building my life on.

Three years ago my mother-in-law passed away on December 22. We were exhausted from a hospital stay and move to a nursing home. Calling family, making funeral arrangements, and sleeping consumed our next couple of days. Christmas came and went with neither of us remembering what we did on Christmas Day.

This year we have decided to face the triggers of grief by remembering the good things and keeping our focus on the present. We have decorated, baked cookies and shared meals with friends. Our plans for Christmas morning are quite different this year. We have plans to visit residents at a local assisted living facility. After reading the Christmas story we will sing a few carols and move on to fun songs. Boxes of red reindeer noses, jingle bell necklaces and soft plush snowballs will add to the joy. These activites will be adjusted to keep it a controlled fun to avoid over stimulation!

We made a choice to share hugs and love with those who may need it the most. Wishing you a Christmas filled with love and comfort when grief is triggered.

Word for the Day

Luke 2:9-11

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.

Song for the Day

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father

I am so thankful for your healing power over my broken heart. This Christmas season I know memories will flood my mind and grief may be triggered. I trust you to help me live in the moment celebrating the birth of Jesus. Let your joy fill the tender holes in my heart when grief does rise up. I am trusting you through all seasons.

Amen

Overstimulation During The Holidays

Feeling annoyed or drained, acting confused or frustrated, and not being able to make decisions could be signs of overstimulation in adults. That is what can happen to any of us whether we are the caregiver or the person with dementia.

I have overscheduled many times in the past during the holiday season. Sewing 30 angel costumes in one day, forgetting to eat due to cleaning all day, staying up late to finish painting a toy train and traveling for 10 hours with a three week old and twenty month old days before Christmas are a few of examples that come to mind.

Wisdom comes from experience. Thankfully, I learned to slow things down when my mom got Alzheimer’s disease. Christmas was still celebrated. It was just celebrated in a calmer manner. I had noticed as my parents aged that they avoided loud and rambuncious games played by the younger adults and grandchildren over the holidays. They tended to visit in another room with the youngest grandchild. This caught my attention, so I already knew we needed to make a few adjustments.

We planned carefully to prevent overstimulation. Loud music, bright lights and even laughter of children can be frightening for someone with dementia. I was visiting my mom in the facility she was living in during the late stage of Alehimer’s. I could hear a large group of carolers coming down the hallway. They were going door to door and singing. I sensed mom was getting tense, so I quickly stepping into the hallway and asked that only one or two stand in her doorway and the rest of the group sing in the hallway. They had no idea that a sudden rush of people into her room would cause anxiety that would take hours to go away. Instead, they did as I had asked and a smile was on her face as she listened.

You can participate in joyful activities if you plan ahead and let your family members know what would work best in your situation. Maybe the family come in small groups. One could read a Christmas story or sing softly with their loved one. Bring cookies to munch on together. No one I have ever met with Alzheimer’s can resist sweets.

A recent family picture to hand on the wall makes a great gift. If they don’t remember your names, that doesn’t matter. You can write your names on the photo. Include a We Love You. The important thing is they see those words. The most treasured gift is a hug, a held hand, a smile and words of kindess. Avoid asking do you remember. Tell them about the most fun you have ever had with them. Tell them how they have made a difference in your life. Share about what you have going on in music, school, sports or work. They are always listening, even when you think they aren’t.

Simplify the holidays. Slow down. Listen to O Holy Night. Thank God for his gift of Jesus. Sip a cup of hot cocoa. Allow peace to reign in your heart. Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

Word for Today

Mark 4:39

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I come to you with a thankful heart. I am a caregiver and some days are challenging, I still have a hand a hold. I know that change will come as I see skills being stolen by dementia. Give me the ability to treasure our memories and to love well on this journey. Allow this Christmas to be focused on the peace you give us. Calm the storms of this busy world and quiet the loudness so we can celebrate you.

Amen