Tag: family

Surviving the Christmas Season After A Loss

Several of the caregivers I know have said their final goodbye to a parent, spouse or close friend or family member this past year. The raw pain and grief lingers as Christmas nears. Pulling out decor and listening to favorite music can trigger heartache and tears. It is important to allow your grief to surface in those moments. After the tears settle, you need to leave room to reflect on wonderful memories. Choosing to reflect on the joys and the true meaning of Christmas can bring healing.

Through the years change occurs. You adjust. I have gone from decorating my tree with many different kinds of ornaments. We used clear glass ornaments and stuffed little pieces of paper listing our blessings each year into them and then painted the year on them. This was fun to read and restuff each year while the children lived at home. Then the ornaments had to become child proofed as grandchildren arrived. Now, there are no little children or indoor pets to be careful about when decorating.

In retirement holidays are quieter. An afternoon spent watching sheep and their guardian dogs with a hot cup of coffee is peaceful. We live very close to a Christmas tree farm and watch families drive by with their trees tied on top. Each season of life brings its own blessings.

In the past my mom and dad loved celebrating Christmas with family and friends. All of the family looked forward to seeing their home with several trees decorated, presents and tins full of cookies and candies waiting to be found.

The last Christmas with my mom was 10 years ago. I knew she was beginning to shut down, but I had no idea she would leave us 2 weeks later. The last Christmas with my dad was interrupted by a surgery for me 4 days before Christmas. I was unable to be with him that year and he was gone as well before the next Christmas.

In 2021 we lost my father-in-law in October. In 2022 we sat by my mother-in-laws side and said goodby on December 22. With children and grandchildren miles away, we now spend Christmas alone. It is very challenging to make adjustments. We choose to focus on God’s gift to us rather than drown in the sorrow of missing the loud family gathering.

Hallmark movies and commercials would have us believe that the rest of the world is perfect. No one is perfect. No family is perfect. Many have suffered losses and feel holes in their hearts during the holidays. You are not alone if you struggle to hold back tears and if you miss the Christmas seasons from your past.

I suggest you take time to share a cup of tea or coffee with a friend. Go ahead and decorate if you wish. Keep it simple if you want. Read the Christmas story in the Bible. Sit with God in the quiet and ponder with amazement the greatest gift we have been given. Choose a meaningful way to celebrate.

Our choice this year is to spend Christmas morning with residents in a memory care assisted living facility. We will read the Christmas story, sing carols and fun Christmas songs. Ruldolph reindeer noses, jingle bell necklaces and soft stuffed snowballs will be enjoyed by all. Then we will come home, turn the tree lights on and relax. The rest of the week is open to many options with extended family and friends.

Be creative in how you celebrate. Thinking outside of the box you always been in may just be delightful. Giving joy to others will bring joy back to you.

Word for Today

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. Luke 2:9-11

Song for Today

Pray for Today

Dear God,

Forgive me when I forget the true meaning of Christmas. My heart may feel sad due to the loss of loved ones, but I know it is a temporary goodbye because of the wonderful gift of Christ to save each of us. Help me to allow that joy and comfort to get me through tough days. I want to dwell in your presence through this beautiful season focusing on others rather than myself.

Amen

How Do Couples Cope With Dementia?

As a couple, my husband and I can communicate with each other with a certain look or touch. We have honed these skills during our 45 years of marriage. Just snuggling together or holding hands doesn’t always require words. When we first began dating we were with a group sitting around a campfire. He snuggled close and put his arm around me. Instantly, I felt at home. This was just the very beginning of moments, days, months and now years that wrapping an arm around me and holding me close have been home.

Should either of us ever develop dementia and roam around repeating, “I just want to go home” what will we really mean. I know most people just want to go back to what feels safe and familiar. Maybe our home will continue to be snuggling together where it has been safe and familiar our entire adult life.

Daily I praise God for allowing both of us to still have strong minds. Muscle strength has weakened, hairs have grayed and we search for our reading glasses to prevent eyestrain. We may not be able to recall someone’s name, but then it comes to us so normal aging is happening.

This afternoon as I write my hubby is strumming his guitar and writing a new song. Our hobbies keep our minds active. We love being outdoors with the dogs, chickens, bees and sheep. We are building a firepit area to entertain friends.

Our hope is that living in the moment intentionally and trusting God with our future will mean we never have to face dementia. We know that God will continue to be faithful. He has seen us through deep dark valleys and allowed us to rejoice from the highest of mountain tops. Should dementia come, we are assured that God will never forsake us.

Some of you have had to face dementia in a spouse. I hear your stories in our support group. I pray for you to still find moments each day where you and your loved one can still connect. Maybe a favorite song will draw you close. Perhaps a drive to one of your favorite spots will bring peace. Take every opportunity to have physical contact. This can be holding hands, hugging, or giving a gentle massage.

During the upcoming Christmas season play carols, eat Christmas cookies, drive around and look at the lights. Rediscover the simple joys. Large gatherings should be avoided but quiet visits with a few people at a time can still bring happiness.

Never quit saying “I love you”.

Most people my age made vows to love and cherish their spouse in sickness and in health until death. As a young couple we make that promise. Life happens and those promises are not so easy to keep. We make a choice to keep that promise and discover God has to give us the courage and strength to walk it out. The greatest honor you can have is to be the one who stands by that promise.

God sees your loneliness and struggles. He sees the tears shed when no one else is looking. Trust him to walk beside you in sickness and in health.

Word for Today

John 13:34

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

May I always find my home is being with you. When my spouse doesn’t remember my name please let them know my love. Show me how to express my love ina way that they can feel. Help me to keep the promise I made on our wedding day.

Amen

Every Day Heroes

It was an honor to spend the day with every day heroes last week. I work with a group that hosts an annual symposium for Alzheimer’s and Related Disorders caregivers. This group includes amazing home caregivers and workers in the field who come to earn continuing education units. This photo was taken during a presentation on music therapy.

My assigned task at registration and check in is with the actual home caregivers. This is where I make new friends and hug old ones. Some walk in looking exhausted and needing a break from caregiving. Others walk in as couples and it is evident that one is the other’s caregiver. Siblings come in together to learn and support each other.

Our goal is for all to learn new information and leave encouraged. Our amazing volunteers and sponsors make homemade cinnamon rolls, provide lunch, set-up and break down, donate beautiful floral centerpieces and love on those who attend. Each vendor provides great door prizes for the caregivers.

A knowledgable caregiver is a better caregiver. I call them every day heroes because they give their all each and every day. My heart breaks when they are overwhelmed with little support. Many have given up income to be a caregiver. Many sacrifice finances to hire help. All are on duty 24 hours a day.

When these heroes complain, they almost always tear up and apologize. Guilt of not doing better weighs heavy on their shoulders. Many have expressed at the support group I lead that they feel ill equipped as a caregiver. They truly want to be amazing at what they do. One was battling with cancer while being a caregiver. Another walked in and announced she had suffered a mild heart attack. The group has bonded through sharing their stories and encouraging each other.

Are you one of these heroes I love so much? Do you have a support group to build you up and encourage you? I encourage you to seek one out. Perhaps your church would sponsor a day for caregivers.

If I could be with you I would share a cup of coffee or hot tea and then send you off for a nap while I became the caregiver for a couple of hours. Since I can’t be everywhere for everyone I pray that God will send a friend or family member to do this for you.

Word for Today

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Lead me as I lead those around me. They now need me more than ever before. Show me how to connect with them so that they feel my love as well as yours. Thank you for the wisdom and grace you have given me as I serve as a caregiver to someone I hold dear.

Amen

Laughter Lightens the Load

Caregiving comes with tears. Before you drown in those tears, take a few minutes to reflect on the times you had to laugh.

Have you ever received a phone call from a parent telling you that their phone is not working?

Dad “I just called to tell you my phone isn’t working”

Me “Whose phone are you using now?”

Dad “Mine.”

A caregiver called one day to tell me my mom was having a yard sale. I asked how she knew this and was informed that mom had been throwing things into a closet all week for the sale. I asked about which closet and realized it was not a closet. It was a rear staircase that led to their garage. When I checked it, the entire staircase was full!

A friend left a large cup in her car with her dad. Later that day when she retrieved the cup, it was full of urine. Her dad had used it while she ran into a business. When asked about it, he informed her that a strange man hopped into the car, used her cup and left.

Another caregiver I know left his wife in the kitchen. When he returned he entered an “I Love Lucy” episode. She had poured liquid detergent into the dishwasher and turned it own. Bubbles were everywhere.

Some dementia patients have a lingered guilty conscience they have to clear. An 86 year old woman pulled me aside one day and insisted she had something she had to tell me. She led me to a corner and lowered her voice. She once again insisted I had to hear this. I calmly told her she could tell me. She leaned in and lowered her voice. I then listened as she informed me that she had a thing going on with my husband. It was very difficult to control my laughter as I thanked her for telling me. I approached the facility director with this information. She laughed and said the woman had a thing with her husband and most of the employees’s husbands.

Sometimes you can’t truly laugh until later, but you will have things to amuse you on this journey.

Humor is a gift. God gave us emotions and reassured us that they will change…

  a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

I wept. I laughed. I mourned and am still learning to dance.

A new rhythm is emerging as I assist others on their journey of caregiving. I still weep when they weep. I still laugh when they are able to laugh. I wrap my arms around them when they mourn. I am now able to walk away and focus on looking forward and making memories in the moment during our retirement years. Maybe the days on our farm playing with dogs and tending sheep will bring joyful dancing.

Just remember the emotional ups and downs are temporary. Don’t hold back the emotions. They may explode at the wrong time and place if you don’t release them when you can. Step away when angry for a few moments to regroup. Laugh privately at the funny moments and with a person when they see the humor too. Never make them feel as if you are laughing at them.

Just this morning a friend who is a caregiver sent me a funny text that had brightened her day. I was thankful that she is taking time to do this for herself.

Go ahead and smile as you read the quotes below.

“My job has made me a pro at finding things I didn’t lose.”

“Leftovers? I prefer to call them ‘meal prep for the next week’.”

“I argued with Mom for a half-hour to wear matching socks only to discover I went shopping with my shirt inside out.“

All of you could add your own moments of humor. Go ahead and comment me with yours so I can laugh with you.

Word for Today

Psalm 126:2

Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.”

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I am so thankful that you understand the many emotions that I am experiencing as a caregiver. Sometimes I struggle with these emotions but I know you stablize me and encourage me through all of them. Help me to find my joy in you.

Amen

The Perfect Caregiver

“Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.” ― Vince Lombardi

There is no perfect caregiver. We all will miss the target. As Vince Lombardi stated we can chase perfection and catch excellence. If someone or something has the quality of excellence, they are extremely good in some way. If you are chasing perfection, you are discovering what your strengths and weaknesses are. Caregiving demands are high and varied. The tasks can change daily.

I think a perfect caregiver is someone who is striving to learn all they can about Alzheimer’s and preparing for changes that are inevitable. You make adjustments as circumstances and behaviors change. You find a balance of letting go of dreams and accepting the new future you face.

You acknowledge that God is the only perfect one. You will learn to rely on him to carry you when your load is too heavy for you to bear. I witnessed a man this week as he struggled to help his wife through some difficult days. The stress I expected to see was replaced with tear filled eyes and trembling hands. This man has a soft heart and the new situation he is in has taken quite a toll. Those are the days that break my heart as well. It was taking every bit of courage, patience, unselfishness and kindness he could find to survive. He was using all he had within him to show excellence as a caregiver.

My hope is that he has friends that will wrap their arms around him, pray for him and help him with practical things so he can rest. Caregivers want to get it all right. There are some things you can’t fix or get it right. Tiredness and frustration can make you hangry! I know that is usually used to describe an angry person who is very hungry. A hangry caregiver gets grumpy and irriatable. They are hungry for many things!

  • the normal they used to have
  • friendship and fellowship with others
  • assistance with chores
  • compassion from family members
  • meals someone else prepared
  • peaceful sleep
  • time to enjoy a hobby
  • hope that life will become easier

People can help with most of this list. Neighbors may offer assistance. Other family members may offer to provide care. Not eveything on this list will be met by people. These unmet needs have to be turned over to God.

Personally I remember times that I had to stuff pain, resentment, anger and grief aside to function. Imagine a large box that was packed to the brim. Then I would have to tearfully dump that box at the feet of Jesus. He would wipe away my anger. Comfort my pain and strengthen me to pick myself up and keep going refreshed and renewed. This cycle repeated itself often. I came to realize I could never be a perfect caregiver. I could catch excellence and be a better one.

You too can provide excellent care. Perfection is never going to happen. Look at your failures as learning experiences and improve or adjust your methods. You will find yourself growing in confidence as the journey continues. Be bold and be strong!

Word for Today

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for always having a plan even when I don’t understaand it. Give me the ability to trust you to carry the load when I can’t. Give me answers when I don’t know what to do. I choose to trust you and not myself.

Amen

Life With a Diminished Brain

Today I read a prompt to write about what life without a computer would be like. Immediately, I thought about what life would be like without a fully functioning brain. If I had no computer, I could find a work around. As a child I researched by reading real books. I wrote with pen and paper. Truly, being without a computer would simply be a huge inconvenience.

Trying to live my life with a diminished or diseased brain is extremely frightening. Just imagine losing your ability to control your own life day by day, then year by year. The lose of dignity and independence would feel as if you were in a small room with the walls and ceiling closing in on you. Eventually, you would be lying in a bed breathing shallowly as you waited for your last breath.

I watched my mom do just this. She lived a full life before Alzheimer’s disease began to steal her abilities to continue to be a loving person dedicated to her family. A loving family, successful career, beautiful home and amazing marriage had been dreams fulfilled. If a painting by a master artist could have portrayed her life it would have been a treasured masterpiece. No one would have allowed it to be hung where the sun could cause it to fade away.

Then this horrific disease, Alzheimer’s, caused her memories to fade We were left straining to hold on to all we could about her laugh, her smirk of a smile, her little love pats she gave the grandchildren and even her fear of mice. Many days I long to just hear her voice.

I know that she loved God and that he was her comfort in her final years. Hymns playing in her room brought peace. When we prayed, she would squeeze my hand. Even though she didn’t recognize me as her daughter, she knew we belonged together.

Perhaps every child of a parent with Alzheimer’s disease has a little nagging thought of getting this disease. I know that I do. Just last night I was in a booth with other volunteers for our city’s First Friday event. We were distributing pamplets about Alzheimer’s and related dementias. We were letting people know about our upcoming symposium for caregivers. Each of our group is experienced personally and professionaly with the burden caregivers carry.

We had a few people stop and talk. We had many slow down, look over our materials and quickly turn away. We watched as spouses walked past guiding their husband or wife through the crowd. At the end of the evening, all of us knew that many who had passed our booth are already showing signs of cognitive decline. This made me even more aware of how prevalent it is.

That nagging fear of knowing that could be me sometime tried to surface. I refuse to live my life controlled by this fear. I want to live a full life engaging with friends and family as often as I can.

I choose to exercise my body and mind while making healthy food choices. I choose to trust God with my future. The following scripture is my verse I choose to stand in faith on.

Isaiah 46:4

I will be your God throughout your lifetime— until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.

My soul will be saved when my body fades whether that is mentally or physically. None of us live forever on this earth. When we face trouble and suffering, we often complain that life is not fair. Only God sees the complete picture. We have to trust that his plan is for our best.

Word for Today

 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

You amaze me when I watch you order my steps and give me peace of mind when those steps are challenging. I trust in you when fear tries to come in. I know that you have an army of angels that surround me. The trials here do not compare to the glory I will see one day when I stand at your feet and you open my eyes to your plan. Give me strength and hope as I trust in you.

Amen

Lewy Body Is Different

Alzheimer’s disease has many early signs such as memory issues. The mental cognition has a slow decline over time. Lewy Body is not so predictable. I experienced this first hand. My mother had Alzheimer’s disease. We thought that my mother-in-law had vascular dementia and no one tested for Lewy Body disease. As I educate myself about LBD, I tend to lean heavily to the thought that she had it.

Lewy Body Disease (LBD) is a progressive briain disorder. Alpha-synuclein is a protein found in the brain. When these clump together it is known as Lewy bodies. Cells normal function is interrupted resulting in cognitive decline, hallucinations, delusions, sleep disturbances and motor issues.

I saw signs of cognitive issues but they were vastly different than Alzheimer’s. Her memory was pretty much intact. She would appear perfectly normal one day and confused the next. Her essential tremors ramped up. Most of the families members did not see symptoms in the early stage.

She would insist that someone had told her they would take her shopping and be upset when they did not show up. She would attempt to bake a cake and leave the flour out. She developed paranoia. She loved football and watching her favorite team. She would cheer over a play and then cheer again over the replay or go to the kitchen and never return to finish watching the game.

Then when her spouse passed away things escalated quickly. A huge delusion caused us to have to move her to an assisted living facility. Once there she often called to give me detailed accounts of visitors who were never there. Her hallucinations were described in full living color. She would be very convincing in her stories.

We experienced capgas syndrome. This is a psychiatric disorder where she held a delusion that we had been replaced with imposters. We would go visit and she would tell us who we were supposed to be but we were not real. We were imposters who looked, acted and sounded like us. Try explaining that one! Some day the chef or nurse were imposters as well.

A bouquet of flowers brought her joy. One day a lion was in the flowers. The next day monkeys were in the flowers. When I went to visit, a dancing lady was in the flowers. Before we all got stressed out, I decided the flowers were wilting and needed to be disposed of. A nurse smiled as I deposited them into the trash. Apparently she had be informed of the busy bouquet.

Falls became more common.

She became less social.

The whole experience was very different than the one with my mom. I truly wish I had known more while my mother-in- law was alive. We did the best we could.

I highly recommend a book if you suspect your loved one may have LBD.

Living with Lewy’s by AmyJ Throop and Gerald S Throop. It opened my eyes to many things. Hopefully, you can get information that helps you. Don’t give up when seeking a physician that can give you a diagnosis other than mild cognitive decline.

Don’t give up. You are learning and improving as a caregiver each day.

Word for Today

Proverbs 2:6

For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I thank you that I can rest in you on the days that are hard. Give me wisdom as I help my loved one struggling with reality. Give me courage. Give me strength to trust you.

Amen

Amazing Caregivers

It is a joy to be able to interact with amazing caregivers. They can be young, old and in betweeen. Their time is given freely or they may be paid. The amount of pay is usually not why the job is accepted. It is accepted because they have beauitful caring hearts.

When I ask a man I know how things are going, he almost always responds with a smile. He loves his wife dearly. As the conversation lasts a little longer. He admits that today his wife knew him but on many days she doesn’t. Her lastest thing is to move and hide things so he is always searching for misplaced items.

This morning I spoke with a paid cargiver. She said that during the night the woman she takes care of awoke and cried out because her room was on fire. The caregiver looked around and realized the glowing face of a clock had set off the panic. She turned the clock and reassured her. The lady then asked her to please lay down by her side. With a smile she did just that and the other one fell fast asleep.

I am a part of an organization that has a board consisting of several people who are employed as nurses, social workers, and nursing home administrators. Often I overhear how they have bought food for a family, picked up prescriptions for someone, allowed a visit to turn into much more as they changed a person and helped bath them while there. This world is full of people that know how to love and show love to families that need them.

If you are reading this and feeling like a forgotten person who is overloaded, I get it. Too many times you must bear way more than a light load. You are amazing as well. This job is never easy. There are few rewards other than knowing you are doing your best under trying circumstances. Please know that God is with you. He can give you wisdom, courage and strength to continue to be amazing. He amazes us and enables us to amaze our loved with with compassion and tenderness on the most demanding days.

My applause goes to you amazing caregiver!

Word for Today

Galatians 6:4

Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Shape me and mold me into a better person. Give me compassion and shower my soul with love that you pour into me so I can pass it on to those you have placed in my care.

Amen

Make the Most of Your Time

Alzheimer’s disease erases many memories for the person living with the disease. Memories for family members will live on and be cherished. We have technology now to save voices, laughter, stories and visuals of our family and friends. If you have a family member in the early stages of dementia please use that technology. I left messages on my phone for years just to hear my parents voices.

Even if you do not have Alzheimer’s in your family now, you may someday. Listening to the spousal caregivers talk about what they miss the most is causing me to be more deliberate about making and saving memories that I and my husband can hang on to should one of us be left alone.

I changed phones and lost a video that I treasured. My mom was dancing and laughing with her youngest grandson. Prior to having Alzheimer’s she would never have acted this silly. We all sat watching in awe. We were in awe over the fact that she was truly happy and in the moment with him. I was pondering about how much longer we would be able to hear her laugh.

Years later I watched that same grandson see my dad wiggle his ears. Every grandchild, niece and nephew loved watching dad do this little trick. Dad had been so busy taking care of mom that he hadn’t thought to show this youngest grandchild his ear wiggling. My nephew sat trying his best to master this for himself while dad smiled. Dad passed away one week later.

Don’t put off taking small trips, watching sunsets, sharing hugs and expressing love to each other. Make the most of your time. Life moves at a fast pace and it is way to easy to get caught up in the busyness. My heart hurts when a senior citizen is the sole caregiver for their spouse. They look at me and tell me they cannot ask their children to help. They have their own lives and are busy.

Allow me to speak for these caregivers. Find the time to honor your parents. You are robbing yourself of something you can never get back. You can find time to meet a friend for coffee or attend a sporting event. You can find time for social media. You can find time to check on mom and dad.

“Family is not an important thing. It’s everything.” —Michael J. Fox

A huge excuse we often hear is “It’s Complicated”. When someone has Alzheimer’s their life and their caregiver’s life are complicated. Family can find a way to work through all of the complications and help each other survive. Asking God to make a way for you to do life together is a great first start.

Personally, there was a lot of travel and expense involoved during our time as caregivers. I gave up a job. God has abundantly blessed us along the way. It was an honor to be with my parents in their final days.

Caregivers, speak up. Give your children an opportunity to find ways they can help. Give them opportunities to make memories while they can.

Word for Today

1 John 3:18

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

Song for Today

This song refers to when we allow walls to form between us and God.

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

We need you to tear down walls and heal our hearts so that we can share life with those in our family. Show us how to build bridges instead of walls. Draw us closer to each other as we draw closer to you. Teach us to find balance in this life. Give us moments of genuine love as we show compassion and grace to those around us.

Amen

Alzheimer’s Language

I am far from being bilingual. This makes it difficult when I am around someone who’s native language is not the same as mine. Caregiving for someone with Alzheimer’ disease has forced me to face the stark reality that I had no choice but to learn to speak and understand a language that my parents now spoke. One parent lived in a new territory that I refer to as Alzheimer’s World. My other parent was residing in a territory I will call Mild Cognitive Decline World. To travel to their world, I sometimes felt like the one who was confused and lost. The most challenging part was having two parents living in different worlds at once. While neither was fun and exciting like Disney World, both provided excessive amount of adventure.

Once upon a time, I lived in “Normal World” with my parents. They were great parents and did their best to provide a nourishing and loving environment for my brother and I. They were active in their church, jobs, Lions club, Band Boosters and Atheletic Boosters. Steady and dependable are words that describe them the best. No family is perfect, but we grew up thinking ours was close. My brother and I were busy with our own families after becoming adults. Life was good.

Skip ahead several years and we began to see cracks in the armor of our parents. This happens as we become adults. This was different though. Slight personality changes were obvious in our mom. Dad was doing a wonderful job of hiding this from us in the beginning. Eventually, it could be hidden no longer. We were faced with seeing that “Happily Ever After” was not going to be the ending of their story.

Dad needed help navigating the progression of Mom’s Alzheimer’s. Stress was mounting as he floundered. He was giving a major effort to care for her. This once young athletic guy with no sisters even learned how to apply her makeup and assist with her hair. He cooked, cleaned and gave it his best.

That is when my quest to learn all I could about this disease began. I bought books, searched online and found a caregivers support group. In a sense immersing myself in this was a boot camp. Much was learned quickly. I want to share a brief amount of helpful information to help you learn Alzheimer’s language.

     Rules for the Caregiver

  1. Do not argue.
  2. Do not try to talk them out of anything.
  3. Do not try to make them remember.
  4. Enter their reality.
  5. Do not try to reason with them.
  6. Stay calm

The disease is in control and not the person you are caring for.  Try to separate the two.

  • Speak slowly and give them time to process short sentences
  • Rather than give an order, ask for a favor
  • Monitor your own emotional state
  • Redirect and distract with music and other activities such as snacks or taking a walk
  • Release your expectations of them to be who they were in the past.
  • Remember that their new reality is just as real to them as yours is to you

Facial expressions and your tone of voice speak volumes!

When dad began to have unexplained falls I suspected mini strokes. While he was mom’s primary care giver, he was beginning to show a loss of judgement. I would observe and make suggestions. Dad would get upset and walk away from conversations. I learned to let it go and wait. He would call me a couple of day’s later with a wonderful idea of how to handle a situation. I would listen as he told me the exact idea I had given him. I would then let him know that I thought it was a wonderful idea. This preserved his dignity and it worked. One day he ws mad and informed me that my brother and I were trying to control his life so were no longer his power of attorney. The next day he called wanting me to come and explain insurance papers to him. I told him I was no longer his power of attorney. He replied, “Oh, yes you are”.

Learning the best way to communicate with him was to allow him to think everything was his idea. You will learn to speak a language that they understand through trial and error. It can occur though if you are persistant.

You can do this! God will be your constant help when you feel anxious, sad or ill equipped.

Word for Today

Colossians 3:12

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

God,

I praise you for the love and kindness you show to me. Give me the ability to share that kindness as I learn to communicate with others, especially those with dementia. Help me to listen more and speak to them in a way they understand. My greater desire is for you to continue to speak to their hearts and souls through their confusion.

Amen