Looking into a Caregivers Eyes

Each month I sit with caregivers and try to listen with my ears and feel with my heart. This is always done as I look into their eyes. Sometimes their eyes tell me much more than their words do. Pain, exhaustion and grief are difficult to put into words. At the same time, they are hard to hide when someone takes the time to look into your eyes.

I understand the hesitation to express your concerns, fears and heartache. Making yourself vulnerable is not always easy, especially when are usually the strong. It opens the door for judgement. People may make you feel like a failure. You are not a failure. You should not fear judgement. Anyone who has never walked in your shoes cannot comprehend your situation. Anyone who has walked in your shoes can totally comprehend your situation.

I asked a caregiver “How has your week been?”. He hesitated, gained composure over his emotions and said “alright”. I saw the hesitation and heard the soft reply and recognized myself from earlier that morning. I had prayed for peace and courage to show up that day. My mom’s birthday would have been this week. It has been ten years since I said goodbye to her. I have been missing her and my emotions have surfaced as tears for several days. Sometimes you just feel the loss.

How do you overcome the struggles and losses?

Find a support group near you or online. As I watch the group I lead, I can see people begin to relax and drop their guard when they realize they are not alone. Someone else is experiencing the same thing. Someone will listen and not judge. Just this week a man was upset with himself for getting frustrated with his wife. His love for her was very evident. Most of the group acknowledged that they too had said the wrong thing or did something that only made matters worse.

Find me a perfect caregiver and you will have found a person that I do not believe exists. I see ordinary people attempting to do extraordinary things that they never thought they would be doing. A husband who had a wife that cooked the meals, cleaned the house, remembered and acknowledged birthdays and made it look easy may not be prepared to take on those tasks.

Find me a woman who never knew how to change a tire, repair a leaky faucet, or navigate finances with ease because those were her husband’s job and I assure you that these things are tough.

This use of humor explains the many little things that a spouse does that are not so little when they can no longer do them.

I am five foot tall and my husband is six foot tall. He hands me things off the top shelf and laughs as he reaches around me at the washing machine. I have a top loading machine that is deep. I reach all I can and then reach for my reacher grabber tool to get the last of the load. He walks in takes my grabber and hands the clothes to me to put into the dryer.

Our truck has side rails to help me get in. When we rented a truck recently, it had no side rails. We bought a small stool. He would get out, go around and place my stool for me to get out. It beat tying a rope to it for me to lower and pull back in. Don’t laugh. A group of women coming out from a home decor store had a good time whispering as they watched me perform that very act one day.

My tall handsome and very competent husband is also my best friend. Should I ever lose any part of him, I will be suffering and floundering. I hope I will have the courage and compassion I see in other caregivers should I ever be a caregiver for my spouse. I have taken care of my parents, but I had a spouse to lean on.

You are overwhelmed with demands for your time while struggling to learn new skills. As the disease changes, you have to learn how to stay one step ahead. You carry this load while isolated from other humans sometimes. A package delivery allows you to hear a voice saying hello as you open the door.

Find someone you can lean on. A caregiver support group offers friendship, information and connection with people who understand. In person is preferrable but inline through zoom is another option.

Faith in God and fellowship with other caregivers is where I poured my heart out and felt safe. If you just need to vent, please leave a comment. I can take it. I do not pubish comments for others to see. I do pray for you. I cannot see into your eyes but I do care.

Word for Today

2 Corinthians 9:8

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I praise you that I always have Jesus. When I need someone to lean on I know I an turn to you. On the days that are the hardest, I would love to have a person to simply be there with a hug, a smile or a prayer. I ask that you guide my steps to interact with someone who can be that for me.

Amen

Making A Connection

Connections are the threads that weave our lives together, enriching our experiences and deepening our understanding of one another.

WARNING! This is a lengthy blog. During the time between when my parents passed away and when I began taking care of my in-laws, I volunteered three days a week at a nearby specialized care assisted living facility. The connections I made with the residents were amazing. My aching heart was healed as I loved on them. Through games, story times, one on one visits and meeting their families, I learned about their lives.

If you are reading this and interact with individuals with dementia in any job, volunteering or simply being an aquaintance, please take the time to listen, observe and interview family members. The knowledge you gain helps you focus on seeing them with your heart and treating them as an important individual you interact with and not someone to tolerate.

When an activites director was hired where I volunteered, I decided to give her a headstart on knowing these residents. I wrote a story about the residents for her. I read it to the residents on her first day. They all listened intently and got excited when they heard their names. Some of even asking when would their name be heard as I read.

At the conclusion, the new director told me I was a good writer. I thanked her and handed the story to her and explained that these were her residents and this was for her. She looked puzzled. I told her that this story mentioned their actual occupations and interests. Then I asked her to use this information to make connections as I had.

Here is the “Letter” that tells the story. I hope it motivates you to see the person as a whole when you are a caregiver.

Letter to friend about Green Oaks

Dear Serina,

So much has happened since we left Atlanta that I just had to write to you. We have met so many wonderful people that I know you will love hearing all about them and our life here. Our farm is only minutes away from the small village called Green Oaks.

This spring was so lovely that we often strolled through tree lined streets and lovely lanes. Residents sat on their front porches and seemed to know all their neighbors. Each porch looked inviting and we longed to meet each person we passed. That longing quickly turned into reality. Now we walk by and call out greetings. Many evenings we get invited in for a glass of tea or fresh baked cookies.

The main street has a beauty shop where Dot and Oma stay busy keeping all of us ladies looking our best. Beth is their receptionist. She has a great sense of humor and everyone has fun while there. We girls often tease about running away to the beach.

The pet store is run by Bud. He is a nice man but he really loves his snakes and you know how much I dislike snakes, so I just go look at the fish and birds. The perfect place to shop for wood toys is Howard’s. When you visit me this year we can shop together for gifts. He does occasionally hang his gone fishing sign in the window so we will have to time it right.

There is a lovely puzzle shop with an amazing collection of puzzles. A man named Lawrence is very helpful. He usually has a puzzle on a table he is working on. We met our insurance agent, Donald, there. He is a puzzle enthusiast and full of tall tales. Next door to the puzzle shop is a craft store run by Johnnie and her twins. We are talking to her about spinning yarn from our sheep’s wool. Wouldn’t my granddaughters love a sweater made from it?

Speaking of the girls, they came to visit at Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful time. When we went into the village they all were convinced that Santa was wearing overalls and hanging Christmas lights and garland all over town. They were so excited we just didn’t have the heart to tell them it was Larry from the town council who is in charge of the decorations every year. He is very hands on and insists on doing it himself. I have to admit he could pass for Santa.

The girls are coming again in May. We have a special day trip planned with our neighbor Martha who used to live in Decatur,. We are going there with her and taking the girls to the hot air balloon festival. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

I have been volunteering at the elementary and high schools. I made good friends at both. Dottie teaches English at the high school and Sandra teaches at the elementary school. They do an amazing job engaging with their students. Dottie shared a wonderful lobster recipe with me that we will make when you come.

There is a ladies Bible study I enjoy. Julia and Carol are sweet ladies I have met there. We get to go out for coffee sometimes afterward. It feels good being able to share this time with them. They can never replace you but they help fill the void I have from missing you.

We have befriended an older couple at church named Ron and Wanda. They are a little quiet and keep to themselves. I have invited them and Betty to lunch next Sunday. I will be serving chicken delight using your recipe. I will let you know if they like it.

You have to come visit this fall. We will have our new barn built and plan to throw a party. Bring your singing voice and dancing shoes. Roberta is bringing her group to sing. On Tuesday afternoon you can hear them practicing if the windows are open at Roberta’s house. They are very talented. Betty Jo plans to teach us all how to square dance. She is from our bowling team. Brenda will be singing some Reba McEntire songs.

During the same week, the community theater will be doing a musical. Our friends BA and several of the others I have mentioned are in the cast. BA plays the trumpet and leads our community band. Doesn’t it all sound like fun?

Before I forget, when you come please obey the speed limits. Billy, our police chief, takes his job seriously. I am not suggesting you normally speed, but this is definitely not the traffic you are used to. You can’t change lines and hide like you can in Atlanta.

I am sitting in the park while writing this letter. The beautiful bench I am sitting on was made by Marie and her husband. They also make lovely furniture. She has a degree in home economics so you too would get along well.

Across the way is another friend Shirley. She is showing her grandchildren her initials carved in one of the trees. When she was younger she was in love with someone with the initial J.T. One of her friends, yet another Marie, also has her name carved in the tree with a heart. This must have been where all the couples dated at the park. I know Marie loves plants so I see her at the park often.

Our nearest neighbor is Jack. He has a putting green in his yard and loves being outdoors. At night he enjoys playing cards. We need to invite him over to play soon. Faye lives across the street. She comes over for game night once a month. She wins most of the word games.

Margaret loves to come over and watch Alabama football. She is a more avid fan than us. It makes game days even more fun. She owns the local florist.

A new lady moved down the road from us last week. Her name is Carolyn. She moved to be near her granddaughter who goes to the local college. They seem to be close because I have seen her visiting often.

The town’s mayor of Green Oaks is Anita She and her assistant, Teresa, keep everything running smoothly. It has turned out to be the perfect place for us to live. Our community center keeps a full schedule. We have bingo, volleyball, sing- a- longs and food.

There is so much to share but I have to go soon. Paul is meeting me here. He flips houses and has asked me to stage them. This place is keeping me busy.You really must come this fall! I miss you and am excited to introduce you to our new friends. Their stories about their lives, jobs, children and travel are enjoyable. They have traveled from

the Swiss Alps to the North pole. Our lives are so much richer because of them. You will love them as much as we do.

With love,

Donna

The information I used for this story was collected over three months. When you are determined to make a connection, God will allow it to happen.

Word for Today

Colossians 3:12

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Song for Today

As this blesses you, remember those with dementia who need to know they are not alone.

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I praise you that I am not alone. Help me to look at people who need me and show compassion and remind them that they are not alone.

Amen

Thrive With Beauty and Grace

“In the grand tapestry of life, caregivers are the unsung heroes, often weaving the threads of compassion, dedication, and resilience to support our loved ones”. (unknown source).

The time and energy to do this weaving is exhausting. From the back side of the tapestry you may just see frayed and tattered ends. “No beauty can be made by this mess”, “ this is near impossible” and other thoughts fill your mind. Despair can rob you of hope if you dwell on these thoughts.

I want caregivers to be like a thriving plant. To thrive you have to pick the weeds out of the flowerbed. Weeds can be those negative thoughts. Weeds can creep in through judgment and criticism from family members who are not actually in your day to day life. These family members remind me of stinging nettle.

Stinging nettle is a nutrient-rich herb with a wide range of medicinal and health benefits, including anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, and antihistamine properties. You family members and friends have their good qualities just like this plant has its good side. There is a bad side when dealing with this plant. Stinging nettle is known for its stinging hairs that can cause temporary burning, itching and redness upon contact with the skin.

I know stinging nettle it is not a weed so I can leave it in the flowerbed, but I have to handle it with gloves on my hands. When people are difficult we can’t simply pluck them up and toss them aside. We cannot become angry and bitter when they show up. God’s grace teaches us how to navigate their presence.

Hope can only fill our hearts from a trust in God. Encouragement from friends can make the task look less difficult. Music can sooth our hearts and usher in peace. Prayer can allow you to unload your load at the feet of Jesus.

You did not ask to be a caregiver. I did make a promise in my wedding vows that I would be with my husband in sickness and health, for better or for worse until one of us passes away. I also took God’s word to heart and honored my mother and father. When God tapped me on the shoulder to take care of my parents, I guess he was reminding me that I owed that to them. That was His ask and I said yes.

God equipped me because He was weaving a tapestry of beauty. He was providing compassion, dedication, and resilienece to me and enabling me to complete the task. Others around me were watching the whole process. They often saw the ugly mess on the backside. Then one day God turned it around and allowed them to see the beauty of the finished product.

You can trust God to teach you to thrive during the process of becoming beautiful. My caregivers in the local support group are some of the most beautiful people I know. Their stories are heartbreaking. They come from many backgrounds and enter caregiving with fears and doubts. They feel ill-equipped. As they continue to adapt, change, make adjustments and trust God, they gain confidence.

It is time to shake the wrinkles out of your superhero cape and wear it with confidence. It is a badge of courage, not a symbol of shame. Rest in the assurance that God loves you and the one you are caring for way more than you realize. You are the one God chose to wear this cape.

Word for Today

Isaiah

and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

You are so wonderful in leading my steps. I praise you for the grace you show in taking my ashes and giving me beauty. I have answered the call to be a caregiver. I know it is not easy and that I will make mistakes. When I mess up, please help me learn. Day by day and sometimes moment by moment I will need you help. Take me and my messes and make something beautiful.

Protect me when well meaning people offer advise and even criticism. Show me how to handle them while keeping my own heart tender and free from resentment and bitterness.

Amen

Caregiver Overload

Athletes train for years to be able to lift heavy weights. They watch their diet and are disciplined. Their physical strength is amazing. They have a goal in sight and strive to accomplish it.

Caregivers often are blindsided with a heavy load to bear. There have been no times of intense training to prepare them for their task at hand. Their only dream is to provide the best care they can. They feel as if they were run over by a fast moving train with little or no warning.

A lack of knowledge about dementia may lead them to overestimate the patient’s abilities.

The reality is that when the hard truths reveal themselves you realize just how much is expected of you. There is a book entitled The 36 Hour Day. Caregivers pack 36 hours worth of tasks into a normal 24 hour day. Caregiving overload can occur. This results with the caregiver being in a state of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion. The demands of caregiving exceed the caregiver’s capacity to cope effectvely.

Some common signs are as follows:

Physical – chronic fatique, disturbed sleep, headaches, weight changes, and lowered immunities

Mental and Emotional – Depression, Anxiety, Loneliness, Guilt, Irritability, Anger, Sadness

When you are so focused on taking care of someone else, you neglect your own needs. Sacrifices will be made, but you need to take care of your own needs such as medical appointments.

I had been taking care of my parents and handled their doctor visits and filling out their forms for many years. I went to a physician for myself soon after my last parent had passed away. The receptionist handed me a new patient form. Out of habit I started checking boxes of everything that was wrong with my parents on their visits. About half way through the list, I laughed at myself and went to get a new form. What would their reaction have been if I had diabetes, Alzheimer’s disease, high blood pressure, urinary incontinence, a heart murmur, swallow issues, a replaced knee and mobility issues?

Yes, caregiving had been a little stressful. There were many times I felt the fatique and frustration. I sometimes wished I was a well trained athelete. That would have made running easier when I felt like a hamster on a wheel.

Today I talked with a caregiver who is older than me. Her spouse has Parkinson’s disease with dementia. She has a heart condition herself. A couple of years ago, she collapsed in the floor from pure exhaustion. Her husband started shaking and crying. Her daughter walked in and rushed her to the hospital. Someone had to be called to stay with her husband while she was at the emergency room. No one wants to end up in that situation.

Sometimes we can lighten the overload by asking for help. Finances can become strained and you simply cannot pay someone to help. I encourge you to look into the GUIDE program with medicare. This funding enables you to hire in home assistance. Check with government agencies in your area. Contact the veterans agency if this applies for you.

In the past many families shared the load of caregiving. Extended families live far apart today. The whole family can adjust to provide the primary caregiver a short time of respite. Communicating your need without trying to place a guilt trip can be tricky. Provide them will some ideas of how they can help. Even teenage grandchildren can become involved. They can pay for services to help you and your loved one survive.

Here are a few suggestions.

Order and pay for a meal delivery

Pay for an in home caregiver 1 day a month

Come and be the caregiver for a weekend

Hire someone to clean every other week

Take the car to get an oil change

Hire someone for lawn care

Depending on your own social connections, you may have friends, church family or neighbors who would be willing to help you. Do not let pride or embarassment deter you from seeking help. Even the strongest people can begin to limp along when carrying a huge load.

When the symptoms of overload begin, reach out for help.

Don’t wait until you are sinking!

Word for Today

Psalm 68:19

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Some days I struggle under this load of caregiving. I am tired and weary. I need a good night’s sleep. I make myself keep going because I am the only person my loved one has daily to meet their needs. I need you to bear my burdens today. Give me peace, comfort and meet each of our needs.

Amen

At Journey’s End…New Beginnings Happen

The word journey is scattered abundantly in this blog. There is a reason. One can define journey as a process or course likened to traveling, such as a series of trying experiences; a passage. When you become a caregiver of someone with dementia such as Alzheimer’s disease, you take their hand and enter a passage until their journey is completed and you are left alone after saying goodby.

This happened for a lifelong friend this week. Most of the caregiving for her mom feel on her shoulders. She called me a week ago and mentioned that the words “she is not actively dying yet” had been spoken by hospice workers and she wanted to know what that meant. I told her and explained the changes to watch for. We could share openly because she and my own mom had been long time friends.

I went on Monday to say goodbye to her mom amd to hug her. On Thursday her mom completed her journey. I attending the funeral and watched my friend and her siblings as they were processing their emotions. All of them will miss her immensely just as I miss my mom. They will find themselves adjusting to a new schedule, one not centered on caregiving.

The longer you walk the journey with someone effects how long it takes to adjusting to your new life. You may now be a widow, orphan or only child. The role you have played in other poeple’s lives changes to a new role. You may have laid aside jobs, hobbies, social events, visits with friends and so much more during the caregiving years. Your life slowly shut down around you. Stepping back into a new life takes time. Overwhelming emotions surface.

Don’t rush into change quickly. Relax. Grief. Just breathe.

Take time to rest. Evaluate your talents, giftings, strengths and discover what makes you feel fulfilled.

I have decided to let you in on what I have been up to in my post caregiver life. We have lambing season going on. These little ones arrived on the last cold blast we had. Their little jackets are sleeves from an old fleece hoodie. Now that is warmer our newest two additions don’t need them anymore. We finally caught them to take the jackets off. We now have 8 baby lambs and are waiting on the last to be born.

The idea of raising sheep was no where on my radar for post caregiving life. We have pastored a church, so shepherding this flock should not be too difficult. We drive out to the pasture early each morning to see if there are any new babies. We go out again in the late afternoon to watch lamb races. They skip and run as we laugh. Then we usually stay to watch the sunset.

Gardens are being planted. Blueberry plants have buds. Chickens are laying plenty of eggs. We are blessed. Country living is not a bad life at all.

I pray that each of you find a place of peace and contentment when your journey concludes as a caregiver.

God still has wonderful plans for you.

Word for Today

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

God,

Thank you for being patient with me as I process emotions and wait on you to heal my heart. Give me hope that you do have plans for my future. Help me to find pleasure in the little things. Help me trust your plan.

Amen

Hiding the Stress and Pain

Some of us carry pain and stress inside. Others see a smiling face and admire our strength, especially those in our church. They know our trust and strength are in God alone. We do have peace, but even those who have faith and strength hurt.

Yesterday I saw a woman hugging and smiling as she entered the sanctuary. When I asked how she was, I saw a tiny hole in the “everything is ok” mask. A few questions coming from a fellow caregiver opened that hole and I saw weariness, tiredness and pain.

God began to remind me of the many times someone had not only prayed for me but actually put their arms around me and gave me a safe place to let the raw emotions escape as tears. I approached her and did just that. She sobbed as I prayed.

I know her faith in God is solid. I know she has a beautiful heart and spirit. I walked in her shoes not too long ago. I walked by faith as she does. I tried not to complain and assured others I was ok. That is all very true for me and my friend. We can be strong Christians and still feel things intensely. We feel guilty for not being all we can be to our family when caregiving takes so much of our time. We need to rest and have little time for it.

Do yourself a favor and confide to a close friend that you need prayer and to just be held for a few minutes.

“When you receive or give a (consensual!) hug, your brain releases a flood of mood-boosting neurotransmitters and hormones, including endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin”. neuroscientist Dave Rabin, MD, PhD.

Isolation and loneliness are common when you are a caregiver. That hug may be just what you need!

Men need hugs as much as women. We all hurt and need comfort at times.

Caregivers get caregivers. We all face similar problems. Some see this as expressing their love. Some see this as a burden. Some feel stuck with the job that no one else wants to do. We all have our reasons for being a caregiver. We all understand the heaviness of our job. That commonality allows us to share our stories and encourage each other.

As supportive as my husband was, he didn’t truly get the load I had been carrying until he was providing care for his own parents. I had to show grace and not hold it against family who had not walked in my shoes yet.

Friends of caregivers don’t wait until others ask for a safe place to talk and really be heard. Watch for signs of weariness or anger and offer to listen or give them a break. Helping provide care will open your eyes to how much is involved day by day in your caregiving friend’s life.

Caregivers don’t attempt to bottle up your emotions. Find a trusted friend, family member or support group where you are heard and understood. Take that mask off and shed a tear or laugh. God is the place we lay our burdens down. Friends can help us do this. Go find a place to shout if you need to. I have been known to do this in my car traveling home after caregiving.

Word for Today

Matthew 11: 28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Song for Today ( My husband sent me this link when I had just left my mom’s side. I had to pull over and cry. Little did I know my mom would be in heaven less than 2 weeks later. 2 days from now will be 10 years since I said goodbye. Miss her all the time.)

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Forgive me for the times I try to do this job of caregiving all by myself. I thank you for sending Jesus to assist me when I am weary and burdened. I thank you for people in my life that came by my side to encourage me.

Open my eyes to other caregivers that need someone to hug them and pray for them.

Amen

Merry Christmas!

Two posts for one today. I just wanted to add this post before the end of the year. This is a time I have set aside to celebrate the birth of Christ and the upcoming anniversary with my husband. My mind is racing with what the future holds.

We were so young when we began this journey of life together. Reflecting over the years we realize there have been too many times we put things off until later. At our age, later is here. Leading a caregiver support group means hearing a lot of stories that ring true for us. Too many of my caregivers talk about the plans for their retirement years that unraveled due to Alzheimer’s invading their life.

We are choosing to do a few of the things we enjoy that we can afford to do.

slow down and enjoy sunsets
sit by the firepit and watch meteor showers
fish on a pretty day
garden
tend our sheep
visit with our friends
take a drive in the country
volunteer
eat when hungry….sleep when tired

You get the idea. We have a lower income now so we are learning to be content with what we have. All of us look ahead and face a question. How long do we have? Make the most of your time.

Caregivers have an uncertain future with their spouse. My dad learned to put my mom’s makeup on. Another man I know bought his wife who was in the late stage of Alzheimer’s a doll. Every night he tucked the “baby” in after she kissed him goodnight. Your love for each other will not die. You just learn to express it in a different way.

Sometimes the unexpected changes hold hidden blessings. Look for your blessings.

Word for Today

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Song For Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

We are so blessed by you. We praise you for the many blessings you have given us.

Amen

Excited to See Love in Action

Recently, I spoke to my own church about how they could become more dementia friendly. This included information on how to come along side families and meet their needs as well as learning how to communicate and relate with the person who has dementia.

This type of training allows people to visit someone with dementia in their home without being afraid of the unknownand feeling uncomrtable. Isolation is not good for the person with dementia or the caregiver. They need to have people in their lives to comfort and encourage them. They need friends who can step in and offer respite care. Offering to stay with the one with dementia requires taking time to understand where they are in their journey and adjust to meet them where they are. True love is stepping up to the plate even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Do not ask a caregiver ,”What can I do for you?”. Use your observation skills. Does the lawn need mowing? Do light bulbs need changing? Think of practical things that they may need assistance with. Bring a meal over. Offer to change their car oil. Plant flowers in the flowerbeds.

We can all find a way to help.

The second part was about how we can meet their needs when they attend a church service. It takes a huge effort for the caregiver to actually get someone with dementia ready to go anywhere. Often there are clothing changes due to accidents. You only cause behavior issues if you rush to get ready. Confusion and crowds play into the equation as well. Both people will arrive tired.

Can someone who has served as an usher still serve with mild cognitive decline? Can this person still sing in the choir? Can this person still teach a Sunday School class? The answer to each of these questions is yes! They may need an assistant, but they can still find a purpose as long as possible.

Yesterday I watched an elderly gentleman follow a group onto the stage for a music special. He was seated and given a paper to follow along and he sang. I was moved to tears because I am pretty sure he had mild dementia.

If someone is on a walker, offer to visit with them at the door while the caregiver brings the car to the door. When friends come over to speak to the caregiver after service engage the person with dementia while their spouse shares a few moments with friends. If you notice a caregiver step out to go to the restroom, move over and sit with their loved one so they do not get afraid.

We can be the love that enters someone’s loneliness.

Word for Today

Luke 10:27

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Heavenly Father,

Show me how to love as you love. Open my eyes to the needs around me and give me the compasssion to meet those needs.

Amen

Every Day Heroes

It was an honor to spend the day with every day heroes last week. I work with a group that hosts an annual symposium for Alzheimer’s and Related Disorders caregivers. This group includes amazing home caregivers and workers in the field who come to earn continuing education units. This photo was taken during a presentation on music therapy.

My assigned task at registration and check in is with the actual home caregivers. This is where I make new friends and hug old ones. Some walk in looking exhausted and needing a break from caregiving. Others walk in as couples and it is evident that one is the other’s caregiver. Siblings come in together to learn and support each other.

Our goal is for all to learn new information and leave encouraged. Our amazing volunteers and sponsors make homemade cinnamon rolls, provide lunch, set-up and break down, donate beautiful floral centerpieces and love on those who attend. Each vendor provides great door prizes for the caregivers.

A knowledgable caregiver is a better caregiver. I call them every day heroes because they give their all each and every day. My heart breaks when they are overwhelmed with little support. Many have given up income to be a caregiver. Many sacrifice finances to hire help. All are on duty 24 hours a day.

When these heroes complain, they almost always tear up and apologize. Guilt of not doing better weighs heavy on their shoulders. Many have expressed at the support group I lead that they feel ill equipped as a caregiver. They truly want to be amazing at what they do. One was battling with cancer while being a caregiver. Another walked in and announced she had suffered a mild heart attack. The group has bonded through sharing their stories and encouraging each other.

Are you one of these heroes I love so much? Do you have a support group to build you up and encourage you? I encourage you to seek one out. Perhaps your church would sponsor a day for caregivers.

If I could be with you I would share a cup of coffee or hot tea and then send you off for a nap while I became the caregiver for a couple of hours. Since I can’t be everywhere for everyone I pray that God will send a friend or family member to do this for you.

Word for Today

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Lead me as I lead those around me. They now need me more than ever before. Show me how to connect with them so that they feel my love as well as yours. Thank you for the wisdom and grace you have given me as I serve as a caregiver to someone I hold dear.

Amen

Laughter Lightens the Load

Caregiving comes with tears. Before you drown in those tears, take a few minutes to reflect on the times you had to laugh.

Have you ever received a phone call from a parent telling you that their phone is not working?

Dad “I just called to tell you my phone isn’t working”

Me “Whose phone are you using now?”

Dad “Mine.”

A caregiver called one day to tell me my mom was having a yard sale. I asked how she knew this and was informed that mom had been throwing things into a closet all week for the sale. I asked about which closet and realized it was not a closet. It was a rear staircase that led to their garage. When I checked it, the entire staircase was full!

A friend left a large cup in her car with her dad. Later that day when she retrieved the cup, it was full of urine. Her dad had used it while she ran into a business. When asked about it, he informed her that a strange man hopped into the car, used her cup and left.

Another caregiver I know left his wife in the kitchen. When he returned he entered an “I Love Lucy” episode. She had poured liquid detergent into the dishwasher and turned it own. Bubbles were everywhere.

Some dementia patients have a lingered guilty conscience they have to clear. An 86 year old woman pulled me aside one day and insisted she had something she had to tell me. She led me to a corner and lowered her voice. She once again insisted I had to hear this. I calmly told her she could tell me. She leaned in and lowered her voice. I then listened as she informed me that she had a thing going on with my husband. It was very difficult to control my laughter as I thanked her for telling me. I approached the facility director with this information. She laughed and said the woman had a thing with her husband and most of the employees’s husbands.

Sometimes you can’t truly laugh until later, but you will have things to amuse you on this journey.

Humor is a gift. God gave us emotions and reassured us that they will change…

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

I wept. I laughed. I mourned and am still learning to dance.

A new rhythm is emerging as I assist others on their journey of caregiving. I still weep when they weep. I still laugh when they are able to laugh. I wrap my arms around them when they mourn. I am now able to walk away and focus on looking forward and making memories in the moment during our retirement years. Maybe the days on our farm playing with dogs and tending sheep will bring joyful dancing.

Just remember the emotional ups and downs are temporary. Don’t hold back the emotions. They may explode at the wrong time and place if you don’t release them when you can. Step away when angry for a few moments to regroup. Laugh privately at the funny moments and with a person when they see the humor too. Never make them feel as if you are laughing at them.

Just this morning a friend who is a caregiver sent me a funny text that had brightened her day. I was thankful that she is taking time to do this for herself.

Go ahead and smile as you read the quotes below.

“My job has made me a pro at finding things I didn’t lose.”

“Leftovers? I prefer to call them ‘meal prep for the next week’.”

“I argued with Mom for a half-hour to wear matching socks only to discover I went shopping with my shirt inside out.“

All of you could add your own moments of humor. Go ahead and comment me with yours so I can laugh with you.

Word for Today

Psalm 126:2

Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.”

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I am so thankful that you understand the many emotions that I am experiencing as a caregiver. Sometimes I struggle with these emotions but I know you stablize me and encourage me through all of them. Help me to find my joy in you.

Amen