Today my husband and I were eating lunch and looking out the cafe window. At the four way stop was an elderly bearded man on his tractor. My husband jokingly said, “his children took his truck keys”. We watched him turn into a Dollar General parking lot and go inside. Of course, we took a photo to share with you. Then my hubby ventured inside and struck up a conversation about tractors with the man. He did not appear to have dementia and was simply hot and thirsty from plowing and drove the tractor over to get a root beer.
I shared this story with a friend. She shared a similiar one with me. Another friend had taken her 95 year old grandfather’s car keys. A neighbor asked for a ride to the doctor. Grandpa took her on his riding lawnmower. Don’t underestimate the resourcefulness of senior citizens. Taking the car keys may not be enough.
Deer often stop suddenly and stare into headlights of a vehicle coming toward them. They seem to be frozen. Fears and surprise combine to cause fear to keep them there. People caught in extreme surprise, fear and confusion freeze as well. Unable to think clearly, they do not know what to do, so they do nothing.
This is a condition often referred to as analysis paralysis. What does it mean? To simplify the idea, imagine being overwhelmed with so much information that you can’t process it all. Someone is breathing down your neck asking you to make a decision. How can you make a decision before you weigh out causes and effects? How can you even think clearly, with so much running around in your mind? Exhaustion and frustration build as you stand frozen.
Caregivers are hit with surprises and information while decisions have to be made. You do not always have a lot of time to process and mull over ideas in a time of crisis. You make your decisions the best you can.
Then you second guess your decisions. Guilt slips in and you fear judgment and criticism from family and friends. This is exhausting and frustrating. You are not alone. Every caregiver I know experiences this to some degree.
Keep in mind that you usually have information about the person you take care of that everyone else does not have. Even someone with dementia still tries to appear normal around others. The doorbell rings and you open the door to a niece and her family. After an afternoon of trying so hard to appear normal, your husband has used all of his energy. Almost as soon as the car pulls away, he has an angry outburst. You deal with his childlike temper tantrum while your relatives have this discussion on the way home.
“I just don’t understand why Aunt Jennie insists that Uncle Kevin has dementia. He laughed with our kids. He knew our names. He seems perfectly normal. It was so pleasant I wish we had planned to stay longer than 45 minutes”.
Go ahead. Laugh at how absurd it is for them to comprehend what living with Uncle Kevin is really like 24 hours a day. Forgive them and be grateful they at least came to visit. Plan on letting them stay longer the next time while you go out to lunch with a friend and then run errands at a leisurely pace. Sometimes they have to experience a little abnormal behavior to believe you.
What can be done to prepare before the headlights blind you? Think ahead of possible scenarios. By researching, you can learn what to expect as their disease progresses. Consider options for care as this happens. If you are the sole caregiver, have a backup plan. Who is your emergency backup?
Find a local or online support group. You can share ideas and difficulties with people who truly get it. I love seeing the caregivers in our group laugh and cry together. The in person meeting allows hugs to be shared as well.
Friendships form and no one judges because we are all in the same boat rowing upstream. When we get frozen or stuck, we hop out and carry the boat until we are moving forward again.
Personally, the caregiving years have ended. My home is filled with boxes and furniture from our parents’ homes. Emotions, the sheer volume of items, and trying to figure our own future retirement out have left me in analysis paralysis.
Today I have set a goal of decluttering my life and home. It will be slow but it is way past time to do this. Does anyone need a set of dishes, cookware, tools, paintings or just about anything you can think of? Did I forget Christmas decor?We are not hoarders, we are inheritors!
Together we will take steps forward. You as caregivers and me as a survivor. God knows our future and he holds our hands. We can move forward in confidence and in God’s strength.
Truth for Today
When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus. Acts 4:13
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear Father God,
We thank you for sending your son, Jesus to save us and guide us as we live this earthly life. People saw the courage of Peter and John and took note that these men had been with Jesus. We are ordinary people just like them. Give us the courage they had when we feel paralyzed with confusion and fear. Give us strength to keep moving as caregivers.
Living in this modern world means having a phone in your pocket most waking hours.
It is a convenience as well as a ball and chain. People now can have access to me whether I am in my home, car or boating on the lake.
I had special ringtones assigned to my and my husband’s parents. Sometimes it was tempting to ignore them when I was busy or just didn’t want to be interrupted. The importance of their calls could not be denied. My heart overruled my selfishness and I always answered. They might have a true emergency or just need to know I would answer. When someone has dementia they need that security
Each evening I would carefully place the phone on the charger beside my bed. Sometimes it would ring at 2am when they thought it was 2pm. Other times they thought a car was idling in their driveway. I silently prayed for a good night’s sleep. Now I still plug the phone to a charger in the evening only to find those old familiar ringtones never awaken me.
I try to remember the sound of their voice. The inflections and phrases I am so used to are fading. The silence leaves a longing in my heart. Should my phone ring in the middle of the night now, I might grab it before being fully awake and expect to hear one of them.
We live in a world where people ignore texts and calls. I urge you to take a few moments even when it is inconvenient, and truly listen to what someone has to say. These are conversations you can never go back and get.
On a lighter note, these conversations can be very interesting. Many senior citizens do text. They just use different acronyms than the younger crowd. So be patient when grandpa just doesn’t understand your text. He is trying. Giving up on common grammar and complete sentences is not easy on him. He most likely adheres to acronyms used by him and his friends. Hopefully, this list will assist you in communicating with him.
Senior Texting Explanations
ATD – At the Doctor’s
BFF – Best Friends Funeral
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
CBM – Covered by Medicare
CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
FYI – Found Your Insulin
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!
LMT – Lost my teeth
NMIFT -Never mind I found them
Word for Today
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
Teach to slow down and listen. Teach me to treasure the time with my loved one. Forgive me for ignoring them and always remind me of the importance they have in my life.
This weekend my husband and I ventured to the local Master Gardners club plant sale. Members of the group were busy answering questions and pulling out their cell phones to find information if they did not know the answers. All of them were very eager to assist other plant lovers. It is always a fun adventure for us.
When we rolled our cart up to the table to pay we were greeted and someone pulled our tags to give us our total. Then it became very evident to us that the person taking our cash was extremely confused. Up until this point she made complete sense talking with us. My husband handed her a large bill and waited on change. She counted the money several times before handing us back the amount we owed and not our change. She only became more confused as someone tried to help her. The person assisting her explained that they were tired from the long day.
Walking to our truck my husband looking at me and asked, “Who is going to state the obvious first?. We have been around dementia enough to notice subtle signs of early stages. My heart hurts every time I notice these signs of early dementia when we are out in public. I want to wrap my arms around the person and tell them it is going to be alright. I want to pull the family aside and tell them to watch closely for further changes.
Family members do not want to see the changes. None of us do; however, they are real. Some of the things to take note of include:
using the wrong word for something
struggling to make decisions
unable to balance checkbook or count money
taking longer to do task or follow recipes
repeating questions or stories
a change in gait
getting lost driving
trouble navigating new places such as hotels, store or finding way to restroom and back in restuarants
change in eating habits (strong perference for sweets)
Do not assume the problems are Alzheimer’s Disease. This is just one form of dementia. Parkinson’s with dementia, Lewey Bodies, Vascular and others fall under the umbrella of dementia that can occur with aging. Consulting a physician early on about your concerns can lead to testing and evaluations for more answers. Many family physicians may give you a diagnosis of mild cognitive decline. This is vague and you may want to get a referral to a gerontologist or neurologist.
Be prepared to become an advocate for someone with mild dementia. Their world is becoming confusing and they need you to walk with them as a caregiver. Equip yourself with knowledge. Walk in faith that God is with you. Do not panic. You can do this!
My song today may hit hard. It should! I can never explain to you how important the visits with my mom were while she still knew who I was. You will see your loved one with new eyes. My mom who was never silly, became quite silly just like the father in the video is hiding behind his hamburger. Let this inspire you to make the visits, gives hugs and kisses and say I love you while you still can.
Word for Today
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. I Peter5:7
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
We are surrounded with people who are confused due to disease. Show us how to meet their needs. Help us to show patience when their confusion inconveniences us. Help to to show kindness when their confusion causes them to lash out. Give us peace when fear rushes in. Give us healing when our heart feels the loss of a relationship that once gave back but is now only able to receive. Teach us to be compassionate.
In the Wizard of Oz we watch as Dorothy and her friends work themselves into a fearful frenzy of what may lie ahead. When we hear words such as dementia, Alzheimer’s or Lewey Bodies. we can work ourselves into a fearful frenzy as if we had just heard lions, tigers and bears. While it sounds scary, you can handle this.
Maybe someone you love has recently been diagnosed with one of the above or another form of dementia. Take a deep breath. You are not alone. Families all across the world are facing the same crisis. Fortunately, there are incredible resources being made available. This blog is just one of many written by caregivers. I personally found courage to face my fears in several ways.
First, I asked God to guide my steps. Bible verses that I have always relied on are Proverbs 3:5-6. Below are several versions. One may speak to you more than another.
The Message
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.
New International Version
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
King James
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Maybe you don’t have a relationship with God. It is the most amazing strength I have ever encountered. When facing scary situations, I have peace that is unexplainable.
My examples of God’s provision along with those of the many caregivers I have encountered are amazing.
Here are a few examples:
* A room suddenly becomes available in a facility with a long waiting list just when I need it.
(Ths happened 3 times in our caregiving journey)
* Receiving a card or book in the mail when you needed encouragement the most
* Friends getting referrals for in home caregivers at times of desperate need.
* Ideas coming about how to connect at a deep level with the one you care for when you lose hope
*A nurse calling you into the hallway of an emergency room and asking to pray for you
*Neighbors bringing hot meals over when they see you return home exhausted
*a random florist owner knocking on the door with a free yellow smiley face mug of flowers when you are sitting in the dark room crying because your dad is slowly passing away
God will meet your needs just like he met mine and my caregiving friends.
Second, I educated myself. Read, watch and listen. There are many resources on the web. Check out the Alzheimer’s Association. Get your hand on The 36 Hour Day. ( This is a must read.) Locate a support group for caregivers. If you read my past blog entries you will see suggested reading materials.
Thirdly, I realized that life had changed forever for me and the one I cared for. They now lived in a different reality and could not change. I had no chose but to step into their world.
If you still fear the journey, rest assured we all learn along the way. We mess up. We cry and pray a lot! You do the best you can.
My dad could be stubborn but he mellowed. I watched him shower love on my mom in ways I never expected. This man learned how to apply her makeup and style her hair. He fought getting help and moving mom into a nursing home. These were very hard decisions for him and heartbreaking ones.
Once mom was settled at the skilled care facility, he got a much needed knee replacement. His goal was to get out of rehab and see mom. That goal was met in 3 weeks and I signed him out with him informing me to keep driving and go straight to see mom. I rolled his wheelchair into her room and stepped back to observe. After 55 years of marriage no words were needed. The unspoken “I love you” bounced off the walls of that room. Her eyes sparkled and his tears fell.
A few years later as mom was leaving this world, Dad stood by her bed when I quietly walked in. I overheard his words and froze in place. Dad was holding mom’s hand. He said “Linda, I am going to hold your hand and count backwards. Ten, nine, eight”. Suddenly I knew he was thinking of when you are being put to sleep in surgery. He was trying to help Mom as she left us. I whirled around and eased out of the room emotionally undone. I had just witnessed an intense act of love.
You will be a part of these intense acts of love as you take care of someone. Remember that no act of love is ever wasted. Those acts of love can tame lions, tigers, and bears while erasing your fears.
Word for Today
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Prayer for Today
Dear Father God,
Today I come with gratitude for your amazing love. When fear enters my heart help me to trust that you are walking with me through the storm. Calm the storm and calm my soul.
After a season of caregiving that has lasted from 2008 until 2 months ago, I find myself in a strange new world. For a long time a part of every single day has involved phone calls, doctor visits, trips between cities, being in someone else’s home sometimes as much as my own and always having the needs of someone else weighing on my mind with almost every decision I made.
Now there is a strange silence and loneliness in my heart. Dreams have been put on hold for so long that I seem to have forgotten how to dream or even had enough courage to dream. I sit at my kitchen table looking out the window at neglected flower beds. Wild blackberries have crept into the lawn. My hallway is full of boxes that were quickly packed when we sold my mother-in-law’s home. They sit waiting to be sorted. Sometimes I know these things have to be tended to but my emotions cause me to pause. I need to allow God to refresh my soul and spirit.
Perhaps one of you has experienced loss and you find yourself in this same place. Pain can be triggered by the smallest of things. A few months ago, I attended the funeral service of my precious aunt. Watching my cousins walk out of the service broke my heart. As adults we were all now orphans. Our heavenly Father is the only father we have to turn to for advice, comfort or a hug.
My hope keeps me going. I know this earth is just a temporary home; however, I miss loved ones and wait with expectancy to join them when God calls me home.
As I wait, I wonder what lies ahead. Am I ready to turn the page to a new chapter in my story? Do I have the courage to make plans and dream again? What excites me? What makes me happy? What talents do I need to develop? Can God use all of my experience to help someone else?
Challenges came so fast and furious that we feel as if the storm has blown over and we are now picking up the debris left behind. We survived. God became our storm shelter. He gave us strength and courage to make tough decisions. He held us when we felt too weak to hang on to Him. Now we look ahead.
I have begun writing again My garden is beckoning me to clean it up and replant. A new baby in my family is waiting to be snuggled. We can plan a trip without having backup support on standby. We sleep without bizarre calls in the middle of the night.
Yes, I do feel that I can dream again. How about you? Perhaps you are nearing the end of your season of caregiving. You are experiencing relief and grief. When you have watched a love one decline over a long period of time, these emotions go hand in hand. Never feel guilty for these feelings. They are normal. You have faithfully given your all and you are tired. Keep in mind that you will feel drained and dreams of hope for the future may take a while to return.
Allow yourself to rest and trust God to restore your soul at the right time.
Word for Today
Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Prayer for Today
Hevenly Father,
We thank you for the hope we have as your children. Help us to allow you to build character in us as we suffer. Close our mouths when we grumble and complain. Forgive us when we take our eyes off of you and focus on our problems. Give us joy and restore our souls as we lean on your plan.
Country roads brought me home to the place where I belong. Sitting on my porch listening to the birds sing and watching momma bird fly back and forth feeding her babies reminds me that life is beautiful. Night skies are amazing on a clear evening. I am much more likely to hear a few coyotes than sirens at night.
Tires rolling over gravel leave a cloud of dust alerting me to visitors.
Fresh eggs, honey, berries and vegetables nourish our bodies and minds. We know the preservatives and chemicals are missing that could cause damage. I would rather harvest on my farm than shop at the store. Friends at the farmer’s market grow the things we don’t. Bartering works well with freinds.
You may wonder what any of this has to do with caregiving. Allow me to explain.
The last place I ever expected to move to was this farm. My dreams involved a small farm in the foothills of Tennessee. When my mother and father passed away, a new journey of caregiving began. I had seen signs of mild dementia in my mother-in-law. They lived on 21 acres and would not sell or move. The amount of upkeep was too much for them. My dear husband suggested that we offer to buy their farm and let them keep a few acres and build a home next to us.
Every fiber of my being screamed “no”. I grew up next door to a set of grandparents. My grandmother made life miserable at times for all of us. I never wanted to relive any of that. Memories flooded through my mind as I mulled his suggestion over.
God surprised me. It felt as if He whispered in my ear, “Trust me. I have a plan for your life”. Suddenly, I heard the word “Yes” come from me and I was at peace. In a matter of days it was settled. We put a “for sale” sign out front and began packing.
God was teaching me to be content in my circumstances. He knew that my father-in-law would soon have cancer. He knew they needed us next door. He knew that I would help navigate doctor appointments and be their driver as we traveled back and forth for treatments. He knew we would say goodbye to him way too soon.
The last eighteen months have been filled with drama. My mother-in-law had vascular dementia. She became extremely delusional at times. She seemed to cycle daily from being sensible to living in another reality. She was very dependent on us. A fall, hospital stay and refusal to eat caused us to lose her on December 22, 2022.
My husband and I are so very grateful for the time we had with them so close to us. We feel it was an honor to walk them to their final home. Trusting God and listening to His voice put us exactly where we needed to be at just the right time.
As a caregiver, it is so critical to trust God. The world around you is swirling with opinions on politics, wokeness, climate change and noise pollution of all kinds. It makes me want to shout out, “in the end none of this matters”. We are passing through this world. Any comfort, any kindness and any acts of love that we show others does matter. Caregivers get this.
Caregivers are in a tough situation. They are making sacrifices others don’t see. They are overworked, underpaid and misunderstood. No one pays them big money to parade around as an influencer; however, if you are a caregiver, you influence the person you care for every day. You don’t pretend to have all of the answers. You figure things out and make them work. My hat is off to you.
Keep doing what you do. Trust God to order your steps. Trust God to carry the load. Trust God to be your own personal therapist. You don’t have to join Jesus at the table and share your story. He already knows it. He is just waiting on you to realize that He is all you need.
He is all I need and trusting him has led me places I didn’t expect. I now lead a support group, write this blog, teach classes and make wonderful friends through all of it. I have written a book that I hope to release soon.
Last week I talked to a caregiver on the phone about life in general because her spouse no longer talks. I crossed paths with two families looking for a support group. I smiled because one of the members of our support group found that a robotic dog was being enjoyed by his wife.
The biggest lesson I have learned is that God’s plans are so much better than mine. It is time to go back to my porch and enjoy the roses and windchimes as I continue to learn to be content. Thankfully, God’s plan has allowed me to remain in the south on a country road. It is nice here.
Word for Today
Romans 11:33
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!
Prayer for Today
Dear Heavenly Father,
You never cease to amaze us with your tender love and guidance. I ask that you fill my fellow caregivers with wisdom and guide their steps. As they walk the path you have placed them on, send friends to keep them company and offer encouragement. Let a word be spoken, a small gift given or an act of service to assist them serve as reminders of how you see them and you care.
This quote may be offensive to you. You may have a heart that is shattered into a million pieces and you are not at the point of thanking God for allowing it to be broken. When the pain subsides, you may feel differently. Brokenness allows many things to come to the surface that have been hidden away for years such as anger, doubt, fear or resentment.
Brokenness leads to reflection sometimes. I have revisited the journey of walking my mom and dad to their final home. Questions run through my mind. Did I give caring for them my best? What could I have done better? Did I allow God to mold me into a better person in the process? Will I remain faithful to live the life God has called me to? Will I be strong as I walk my mother-in-law to her final home? Will I share the message of hope that others need as they walk with their loved ones?
One way I can make sure I do my best is by relying on God to do His best. Let me explain. Most of you have heard the name Ebenezer Scrooge from Charles Dicken’s Christmas Carol. While Scrooge took a while to transform his character, we sometimes take time as God transforms us. The word ebenezer actually comes from the bible. Israel had experienced a great victory due to God’s intervention. Ebenezer means “stone of help.” Samuel erected a stone and called it ebenezer as a tangible reminder to the people of God’s act to help them. The “stone of help” marked the spot where the enemy had been routed and God’s promise to bless His repentant people had been honored.
Today I need to take time to add my own stones to a wall of reminder of God’s assistance. They will be there to encourage me as my journey of caregiving continues. God has moved mountains and opened doors just when I needed it the most. There were many days that I hid and let tears flow when I felt like I just couldn’t make any more tough decisions. In those moments I ran under God’s shelter and He was my refuge where I could rest and let Him fight my battles. I could give specific examples; however, your situation will have your own unique circumstances of when God helped you.
One thing I do know is that this is my story and my truth. While others may tune my voice out when they hear God in my story, others will realize that if God was there for me, He is there for them as well. If you trust God to guide you as a caregiver, you can be confident that He will.
This post has sat as a draft until today. Since I began writing it, my mother-in-law and a dearly loved aunt and uncle have passed away. My heart has been shattered and broken once more. God is bringing peace as I sit in His presence. I am allowing the healing to make me stronger.
God will take your fear, pain, frustration and burdens and carry the load so you can survive. He understands and sees the long hours and isolation that you feel as a caregiver. Every tear that falls and every prayer is noticed and heard. You are not alone. Keep believing. You will join me in building a wall to remind us of the times God showed up in our journey. As I build, I will be here to encourage you and share what helped me as a caregiver. Be blessed.
Word for Today
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Prayer for Today
Dear Heavenly Father,
We come today in brokeness trusting you to restore our strength. Enable us to serve as caregivers under your guidance and direction. Give us wisdom. Give us courage. Give us peace. Send finances and people to assist us when we are carrying a load that can be overwhelming. Hear our heart cry out to you when words don’t come to express the depths of our pain.
Flux is a state of uncertainty about what should be done (usually following some important event) preceding the establishment of a new direction of action. You need to pause sometimes and look for beauty around you. I have been trying to do just that.
This describes my absense from writing on this blog for such a lengthy time. There are way too many stories for me to share them all in today’s post about why I found myself in this state of flux. All caregivers face uncertainty on their journey. Many important events occur as well. Caregivers are always making decisions and taking action as their journey ebbs and flows.
Flux can be explained simply as finding it hard to make decisions to move forward after being knocked to your knees feeling drained of emotions after the tears have ceased. You sit wanting to move forward but finding your legs weak and afraid to stand.
I have shared much from my journey with a mom who had Alzheimer’s, a father who suffered mini strokes and mild dementia, a father-in-law who passed from cancer last October and then the moving of my mother-in-law to an assisted living due to vascular dementia. Add to this relocating to two cities, seeing childen relocate across country and a minor surgery and cancer scare myself and you have a picture of the last 14 years of my life. There have been many ebbs and flows due to these circumstances. I have found God’s grace and strength to face every challenge.
Earlier this year, a friend lost her dear husband to cancer. He was just getting ready to retire and they had dreams of travel and time with family. These dreams were shattered to pieces and she is left standing alone and broken hearted in the pile. Raw emotions overwhelm her as she now faces the rest of her life without her soul mate by her side. I sat on the other end of the phone and listened as she sobbed and watched her husband to make sure he was still breathing several nights.
I have said goodbye to many relatives, but I have had a rock solid husband by my side each time. Over the last few months I have awakened during the night and listened to my husband breathe or snore. If he is too quiet, I reach to see if his body is warm. That may sound morbid, but I am being honest. The thoughts of losing him someday have awakened a desire to be more than a caregiver and support group leader. We do not know how many years we will have together. It is time to begin to live some of our dreams. They are not grand or lofty. They include walks on the beach, fishing, watching meteor showers or maybe traveling in a camper.
I have been praying and thinking about what God is asking me to do. I can still post from where ever my dreams take me. I can allow God to order my steps to those of others when I can offer them encouragement and knowledge about caregiving. It may be on the beach or around a campfire. I could speak to senior groups and church leaders as we travel. Basically, I desire to be used by God to speak into the lives of caregivers as I allow myself to dream again.
Living in a state of flux is not always bad. Sometimes when the important events in your life involve extreme heartache and loss, you just have to sit still and allow God to heal the places no person has the ability to heal. If you find yourself suffering from loss today, Sit still and allow God to hold you and heal your heart. You will realize that when you attempt to stand that the weak kness are stronger. The battles you fought exposed strengths you didn’t realize you had. You are stronger and ready to take action again. Use what you have learned to help others in their battles. Together we can survive and move forward.
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
A prayer to help
Dear God,
Our lives as caregivers and just travelers on our way home seem to always be in a state of flux. Give us peace as we navigate our path. Give us hope as we stand in the knowledge that you remain the same day after day. Give us strength as we rely on you when we feel weak.
Have you ever longed for a time of refreshment and joy? The last two years should have been one of those times in my life. There was a brief repreive from caregiving as I had known it. I took on an exhausting undertaking as an indirect caregiver by becoming a fixer upper. Add the heartache of losing my father-in-law and a much loved pet and I was a woman whose joy had almost been stolen. Running on empty has kept me away from posting. Here is my story so you know I haven’t gone away for good.
We purchased a home with my father-in-law to renovate and have as a resource for the care of my mother-in-law should the need arise. He had the best of intentions in assisting with the renovations but not enough energy to carry them out. I have pulled nails, hammered nails, removed old flooring, removing ceiling tiles and assisted my hubby with the physical labor. I have picked out flooring, cabinets, lighting, countertops,etc. Since he has a time demanding job, we have spent many long nights and Saturdays at this task. Our usual gardening and occasional fishing were put on hold.
A much anticipated vacation was awaiting us as our timeout from the chaos, or so we thought. The month before our vacation, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with vascular dementia. The week before our vacation, my father-in-law became very juandiced. We rushed to a nearby city and he was admitted to the hospital. With covid restrictions in place, I found myself sitting in the parking garage in the near 90 degree heat with my mother-in-law. As my husband sat by his father’s side for the next 12 days, I bounced from airbnb to airbnb with my mother-in-law and drove back and forth to our home for clean clothes as needed. My father-in-law and husband were bouncing from his room to icu several times. On October 12 we were allowed to be with him to say our final goodbye.
In November we had to admit my mother-in-law into the hospital and eventually to a specialized care assisted living. That same week, lightning hit our home! It is a true blessing that it did not catch fire.
Our much loved fur baby had to be put down during all of this.
Three weeks later my husband and I tested positive for covid.
Now I am making myself vulnerable. This is something I rarely do. The world sees way too much of this on social media as people cry out for attention and followers. My intentions are to only share from my heart to encourage caregivers. The last few months have been tough. Tears have been shed, prayers have been prayed, nights have been sleepless and hearts have been broken.
Thankfully, I am married to an incredible man. We have faced all of this hand in hand trusting God.
Are we tired? Yes.
Are we frustrated? Yes
Are we angry? Not any more. The anger part of our grief has passed.
We know where our hope lays. We know where our provision comes from. We know where our strength comes from. We know where our protection comes from. God makes a way through the dark days giving us hope and our joy is restored when we keep our focus on Christ.
Tough decisions had to be made. We prayed for wisdom and asked God to order our steps in making those decisions. We had hoped that by living next door we could allow my mother-in-law to live at home as long as possible. A crisis situation made us realize it was not in her best interest due to safety concerns. A lot of factors played into our decision. When others only knew bits and pieces of the story, they were quick to judge us. Some of you have found yourselves in my shoes. You do not have to please everyone else’s emotional needs. That job belongs to God. You have to make a decision that is best for the one you care for and for you as the caregiver. There is not one solution that fits every situation.
We will move forward caring from a distance through phone calls, frequent visits, outings on good days and pouring out love at every opportunity. At night she sleeps well knowing she is safe. She doesn’t have to handle any finances. She told me today that she can just watch the birds at the feeder by her window and not have to pull weeds when the seeds sprouted. When I told her I had to go make dinner, she replied,”that is something else I don’t have to do anymore”. I teased back that she forgot the best part, she doesn’t have to clean the kitchen and dishes. She laughed. It sounded so good to hear. I caught a glimpse of beauty from that conversation.
We sleep well knowing she is safe, her medications are given correctly, she is well fed and is making new friends. Slowly, she is adjusting and laughing. That would have taken much longer had she been left in isolation in her home when we were busy.
Word for Today
Isaiah 61:3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.
Prayer for Today
Dear Heavenly Father,
I ask that you give the same hope, strength, comfort and wisdom to anyone needing it. Give them glimpses of beauty when they feel like they are sitting in a pile of ashes. Hide them in your presence when they feel weak and fragile. Sheild them from criticism and judgments that feel like people are throwing stones at them. May they grow strong and tall in you. Let them shine reflecting your splendor.
Walking Them Home 