Even caregivers are hearing and seeing the news and becoming heartbroken by what they are processing. Imagine having dementia and hearing words such as terrorist, war, torture, death or kidnapping. They may not have the ability to know it is across the ocean and not in their own neighborhood.
I urge you to shield and protect them from the words and images that can produce serious anxiety. While you my want to know what is going on, you must be cautious with what they might see or overhear.
Your life as a caregiver has its own trials and problems. Be careful to not become overwhelmed. Your added stress is easily picked up on by family members, especially the young and those with dementia. They are very adept at reading facial expressions. When you are anxious, take a moment to compose yourself before interacting. Say a prayer, listen to uplifting music and take a few deep breaths.
We can all pray for God’s peace.
Word for Today John 16:31-33 Jesus speaking to his disciples
“Do you now believe?” Jesus replied. “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
Thank you for making a way for us to have comfort and peace through your son, Jesus. On the days that are hard and we feel alone, you give us peace when the world is troubled. Help us to focus on you and your faithfulness to us.
What happens when we ignore the flashing warning light on our car dashboard?
If you find yourself sitting on the side of the road with smoke pouring out from under the hood, you know this is not going to be an easy fix.
Families and friends often recall there were warnings to alert them that someone was not running at their best. We tend to ignore the signs and keep moving ahead like nothing is amiss.
There may be misplaced items when you visit dad. He isn’t joking and laughing like he used to. In fact he has become a little irritable. It could be normal aging. He could feel bad or it could be the beginning of dementia.
There are signs to watch for that indicate Mild Cognitive Decline
Problem processing information
Poor judgment
Mood changes that are unpredictable
Frequent loss of things
Repeating stories or phrases in the same conversation
Impulsive behavior
Memory lapses
Struggles with language
Difficulty with decision making
Overwhelmed with complex task
Possible Causes of MCD
Stress, depression or anxiety
Thyroid, kidney or liver problems
Sleep disorders
Low vitamin B12 levels
Infections (especially urinary tract infections)
Vision or hearing problems
Side effects of medications
Your risk of later developing dementia caused by Alzheimer’s disease or other neurological conditions may be greater if you have MCD. Some people never get worse.
It is critical to watch for the signs and let a neurologist examine them. Do not just ignore the signs.
Since I referenced the car to begin with, I will get on my soapbox for a few minutes. Taking the car keys is not fun! You must recognize that memory loss is not the only issue. Tracking devices can be used. Judging the situation, having slower reflex responses, changes in spatial distance, and not being able to remain focused are the other issues.
Last week I was on a 4 lane road when I noticed everyone getting over. A car was traveling at 5 miles per hour. People were changing lanes and zipping past it. Alarms went off in my head. I passed slowly and observed the driver. She was in her 80’s and looking around frantically. I decided to pull over, let her pass and get behind her. My plan was to call 911 and follow her until someone arrived to assist her.
As I waited for her to near me, she put her blinker on and pulled into a parking lot. She was on her phone when I approached her car. She let her window down and told me she was on the phone. I heard a man’s voice and asked if it was her son. She replied, “yes”. I asked her if I could speak to him. She simply handed me the phone.
After explaining that I observed his mom driving so slow and realizing she must be lost, I offered to assist. I told him my name and that I taught classes about Alzheimer’s disease and led support groups for caregivers. I gave him my number and advised him to check me out through the library where I taught.
He shared that his mom was lost and this had happened a few times in the past. I drove to her destination and had her follow me.
This is why you take the car keys. What I left out in this situation is that she was 2 counties from her home. If she had simply kept driving, she would have been in another state in 15 minutes. It is evident that her judgment is impaired as well. She was super friendly, rolled her window down, and handed me her phone. I am trust worthy and was doing what I could to protect her.
She could have been shot because of road rage. She could have been taken hostage. She could have been robbed. She could have been hit by someone not paying close attention. Our world is not as safe as it used to be.
Do not be afraid to watch for the signs of dementia. If it is dementia, you cannot change it. You can change you to prepare for the future. You are becoming a caregiver. I recently read two statements that have remined on my mind and caused a lot of reflection.
Caregiving doesn’t end your life. It changes it.
Few would respond to this job description
Caregiver -Life changing job
Long hours (36 hours a day)
Do all driving, meal prep, cleaning, lawn work and laundry
Able to handle emotional outburst
Specialize in finding lost objects
Never argue your point
Provide calmness in the midst of chaos
Be an advocate with doctors, lawyers, insurance agents
No sick days, holidays or vacation
Expect NO PAY and EXTRA EXPENSES
You will be responding if you love the one needing care. When you say yes, God shows up. He walks each step with you. You are not alone. You will find that God placed everything inside of you that you will need. You will be challenged and stretched like never before. You will lose your pride. It will be more important to focus on what really matters than to see and be seen on social media. You will make sacrifices. You will make difficult choices. You might even feel isolated, lonely and deserted by family and freinds. Jesus walks through the trials with you.
You are strong enough to notice the signs and seek out help. You are strong enough to handle the diagnosis. You are strong enough to be a caregiver. Don’t bury your head in the sand.
Word for Today
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Psalm 73:23-24
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
This is a big request today. Open my eyes to see that the needs around me. Give me ears to hear as you guide me. I admit this brings a little fear but I trust you to be with me.
Being a caregiver is exhausting. It is so easy to forget that even a few moments in nature can refresh us. I encourage you to set aside a few minutes each day to get outdoors. Think back to what it was like to explore with a toddler. They pick up rocks, smell flowers, chase butterflies. They have fun. When you explore with an older adult with dementia, it can be similar. Instead of a stroller you may have a walker or wheelchair. Take your loved one out. Slow down. Talk about what you hear, smell and see. You may find a renewed connection that you have been missing intensely.
For me spring raced into summer and a family wedding that required travel. On this trip we had no agenda except to be at the wedding on time. We stopped to buy zinnias at a roadside stand. We pulled over to take in views of the Shenandoah valley and coast of Maryland. We revisited the falls we swam under 42 years ago. Caregiving has truly made me never take special moments for granted. I realize that my husband and best friend is not getting younger. We need to reboot after years of raising children and being caregivers to our parents. We need to enjoy the simple things.
Fall is approaching now and I love watching the colors change, so a drive on Natchez Trace into Tennessee is on my mind. We usually see plenty of deer and wild turkeys. What can you do to enjoy the change of seasons? Perhaps have hot cocoa while sitting near a window or watching football is an option. Drive to a park and watch children play if you can get outside. Walk in the leaves and kick them up even. Relax and live in the moment.
I have to share that two exciting things for me are our local Walk to End Alzheimer’s and an annual symposium for caregivers that a group I belong to hosts. If there is a walk near you, please get your family and friends to walk to honor the one you take care of.
Our symposium is in the northwest corner of Alabama. Anyone interested in coming can leave a comment for more information. It is free and lunch is provided. God has orchestrated us securing some incredible speakers. We will learn, laugh and cry together. We don’t plan that. It just always happens when you are surrounded with people who know just how you feel.
When you question how can I do these things you suggest. Know that you just take a moment when you can. God will meet you on this journey. I give Him credit for so many of the ideas he gives me for caregivers. My husband just shared today with a friend that when he is really struggling with a complex problem at work, God awakens him with a solution. He cares about every detail of your life. Place your trust and hope in that.
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
We praise you for being steadfast in our world and homes. Life is swirling around us with so many loud voices calling for our attention. We are already stretched meeting the needs of the one we care for. You are always the same and never changing. Anchor us in you and your word as we get pulled in many directions. Give us your wisdom and peace.
I have never met a caregiver who is perfect. We try. We make sacrifices. We give it our best shot. Then stress adds up. Exhaustion takes over. We get overwhelmed and then before we realize it, we simply fail. Our heart is broken and we feel guilty for losing our cool.
This is when we need to step aside and regroup. If it is possible, remove yourself from the room for a few moments. As you settle yourself, keep it mind that the one you are caring for may not even remember the event when you return.
We do not have the ability to remain loaded down with guilt. We must face the reality of our failure, learn from our mistakes, seek help if necessary and then forgive ourselves. Perhaps you can have one friend on standby who can talk and pray with you.
God gave us a beautiful example of forgiveness in Peter. Peter loved Jesus and was devoted to him. When life got complicated and fear set in, Peter lost it. He became angry and drew his sword when they came to arrest Jesus. He became frightened in the courtyard as he watched what was happening to Jesus. He became so frightened that he denied even knowing Jesus. He then fled and wept bitterly because of his shame and guilt.
The three long days that followed the cruxifiction of Jesus were filled with great sorrow and broken heartedness of his mother and friends. I can only imagine that Peter’s grief and guilt were suffocating. On the third day when news spread that Jesus had risen from the grave, Peter most likely had his joy overshadowed by fear and guilt.
Jesus greeted Peter warmly. He died for our forgiveness and Peter was transformed into a powerful minister after this forgiveness. God offers this same gift to you. Take time to recieve this and forgive yourself. God has a powerful ministry ahead of you as a caregiver and then later as a survivor who can encourage new caregivers.
Caregiving draws forth strength and courage. You will discover things about yourself on this journey. You will become patient, creative, compassionate, and kinder than you were before. You will also cherish the small pleasures of watching a sunset or listening to music. You will never take having time to sip a cup of coffee or tea for granted again.
The world is confusing all around us due to human decisions and demands. Your world inside your home can be confusing due to a disease that is ravaging someone’s mind through no decision or action of their own. That is the small world to focus your attention on. You are the light shining brightly as you dispense love each day. Those passing by living in the larger chaotic world will see a glimmer of the light you shine as it slips through the blinds. They long for the light you have.
Forgive yourself. Accept God’s amazing grace. Keep loving and letting your light shine. You have a beautiful heart. Keep moving forward.
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
Thank you for meeting us when we are weak. Give me forgiveness and let me feel your presence as I face trails and feel discouraged. You are my defender and ever present help. I praise you for always being with me.
I have a confession to make. Most of the time, I do not enjoy shopping. My mom was the opposite. She loved shopping. This lady had clothes, jewelry and purses for every occasion. She always looked well put together. One of the signs of dementia I noticed first was how she was dressing.
This will become a serious issue when you must shop for someone with dementia. A recent blog post about bras jogged my memory about my great bra shopping event with my mom. When I look back, it was funny. One the day of the event, it was not.
I purposely chose a store in the local mall that had large dressing rooms. Finding a great fitting bra can be an adventure. Finding a great fitting bra for someone else can be exhausting. I looked at the size in my mom’s bras at home. Armed with this knowledge, we headed to the store. Locating the lingerie department was easy. Navigating mom through the aisles of clothing to get there was not so easy. Imagine walking a three year old through hangers showcasing princess costumes. They want to try them all on!
Upon arrival at the lingerie, I selected about 12 brands and styes that might work. No one needs to leave someone with dementia alone in a dressing room to get other selections. Mom would have only been more anxious and distracted by a sales person assisting us. Each bra I put on her was dismissed with excuses. She simply wanted one just like the one she wore into the store. This style had been discontinued. After hearing excuse after excuse why each bra would not work, I was tired and my patience was wearing thin. I stated, “Mom, we are not leaving this store until we find a new bra for you”. She looked in the mirror and replied, “This one works”.
Before she could change her mind, I got her dressed and quickly found 4 exactly like the one she agreed to and headed to the checkout register. I was practically dancing around because I had to go to the restroom. We checked out and I directed her toward the restroom. She balked. She needed to shop, not go to the restroom. I pleaded with her to come with me. She walked toward a rack of clothing. Desperation was setting in and the last thing I needed was an angry outburst. I mouthed to our cashier, “Please watch my mom and keep her in this store while I go to the restroom”. A quick nod of her head sent me hurrying off. I walked in and silently prayed for God to keep her safe for the few minutes I was away.
Fortunately, I was able to take my mom shopping for new bras. Can you imagine my dad standing in the lingerie section trying them on over her clothing? What if you are a son and the caregiver? Recruit a female relative if you can.
While at the mall, we headed to another store she frequented. I spotted “buy one get one” tops for me. After making my selection, I asked mom to come with me to the dressing room. She told me to go by myself because she was still looking. That’s when I had to become needy. I explained to mom that I didn’t have a friend to tell me how I looked in the tops. I really needed her opinion. She fell for it and came with me. I decided on two tops. Mom then informed me that she like them very much and wanted two just like mine. So off we went to find her tops. I am so thankful they had her size.
Grocery shopping is even more fun. My dad insisted that mom really wanted to go with me. He handed me his debit card and told me to use it. I pushed the cart gathering what we truly needed while mom chose ice cream, cookies and candy. I could limit my children and even grandchildren to a few select items. I chose to let mom buy what she wanted. I paid for the “real” food and assisted her to pay with their card for her goodies.
I left off some of our most entertaining shopping adventures. Those were funny, embarrassing and interesting. I share those with just the family. You will have your own stories that your family will cherish as time passes.
Advice for shopping for clothing:
When the disease progresses, transition their clothing. Pull on tops and bottoms make life easier. Choose basic items that are easily matched. When incontinence becomes as issue, look for clothing that launders easily. You will have a lot of laundry and no time to iron.
They may love one shirt and only want to wear it. Buy another one and switch them while they are sleeping if you have to.
At home, let them wear what they want. One caregiver complained that his wife insisted on wearing three sweaters to bed. We told him that was not a battle to fight. He let her and said she shed them quickly once she felt too warm.
Limit choices they have to make. Show your husband a red shirt and a blue shirt. Then his choice is easier than showing him a closet full to choose from.
I discovered some beautiful scarfs for my mother-in-law, These allow her to save her dignity in the dining room without staining her clothing.
I hope my story and suggestions will be beneficial to you.
Word for Today
Do Not Worry
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Matthew 6:25
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
Thank you for caring about even the little things. Something as simple as finding clothing can cause tension. Help us to remember you cloth us with the fruit of the spirit which include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. When we get frustrated, help us to turn to you seeking these gifts to help us as caregivers. Remind us that when we fail, you forgive and strengthen us for the task ahead.
Let’s face the fact that caregiving is stressful. Stressed people usually have little time for self care. It sounds great but who has the time to do it? Personally, I know the stress I faced as a caregiver caused me to put my own health at risk. You are most likely doing the same.
When I carved out the time to do water aerobics, it was a tremendous stress reliever and benefited me physically and mentally. It was something I enjoy. Actually it has been found that simple excercises such as swimming, walking or running are the best at reducing stress. You don’t have to be an athlete or in great shape to benefit from stress management. Choose an activity that you enjoy. It can be stair climbing, gardening, dancing or whatever you choose. Walking the dog doesn’t require a gym membership. Your life is compliacated. Keep exercise simple.
Movement is very important for someone living with Alzheimer’s or other aging dementias. Today I am sharing a link you can do at home.
Sometimes you deal with behavior issues because the person is bored. These and other excercises can be fun for both of you. Think about things you can do to keep moving based on the mobility of the one you care for. Get outdoors to exercise when it is possible. Fresh air and vitamin D from the sun are good for both of you.
When thinking of ideas for exercise for someone with dementia, reflect on what they enjoyed in the past. If they were a bowler, consider gets a child’s bowling set that can be used in a hall. If they were a programmer, give them an old keyboard. My husband is a programmer and he asked if that is what I intend to do if he should get dementia. That started some gears turning in my mind. This man gardens, hunts, fishes, likes to pan for gold, plays guitar, forages, metal detects, does woodworking and is a beekeeper. I supposed I could suit him up and sit him in front of the beehives or hand him sandpaper and a block. While these sound amusing, they would work.
God designed our body to handle stress with endorphines and dopamine. Endorphins can relieve pain, produce feelings of pleasure, reduce stress and increase relaxation. One way to stimulate the release of endorphins is through exercise. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter made in your brain. It plays a role in memory, movement, mood and attention to name a few.
Exercise kickstarts these hormones. So it is time to move it!
Seriously, I am writing this after coming in from the pool. I feel refreshed and clear headed. Am I an athlete? No way! Am I skinny and fit? Absolutely not. Am I becoming more aware of how important it is to take better care of my body? Yes, I am! I best take care of my hubby too so I don’t have to use any of my above ideas. Together we can stay active and healthy. Share your ideas in a comment. I would love to hear from you.
Word for Today
The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The decrees of the Lord are firm, and all of them are righteous.
They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the honeycomb.
Psalm 19:9-11
Song for Today A Reminder that God moves!
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
Thank you for always being on the move in our lives. Let this remind us that as we move to keep our bodies healthy, you want us to be on the move seeking you in our lives. We need you to ease our fears and anxiety when time contraints and demands keep us from stepping away to exercise. Give us strength and hope to serve as a caregiver each day.
Body builders do not gain their strength overnight. It is a process that involves dedication, determination, pain, focus and commitment. Long hours are spent lifting weights and conditioning their bodies. There is a quote “Everyone wants to be a bodybuilder, but no one wants to lift heavy weights!”.
You may be questioning what this has to do with caregiving. Keep reading and you will discover it all applies to your role.
When you heard a diagnosis from the doctor or suspected there was something different about a family member or friend’s behavior, there may have been a fleeting thought of I am not equipped to deal with this. You are, you just don’t realize it yet. Each month I sit in a library conference room surrounded by caregivers. They are strong. They are courageous and they are conditioning every day for the task before them.
In my mind, I see bodybuilders laboring away in the gym. Exhausting themselves to attain muscles and toned bodies. My caregivers make sacrifices. They endure pain. They remain focused. They are dedicated! By educated themselves, by diligently pushing through hard times, by asking for a spotter when the weights are too heavy and by taking care of their own minds and bodies they are ready to endure the journey of caregiving.
Don’t ever let anyone accuse caregivers of being quitters, whiners or lazy. Caregivers are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I openly ask my group questions such as “how are you?” or “What is your biggest struggle right now?”. They are learning that our group is a safe place to be honest. They can state the truth and it is never considered whining or complaining. It is simply letting us know the weights are heavy and I need a spotter to help out for a few minutes. If that works in the gym with bodybuilders then it works for us too.
As I was seriously thinking about this post, my phone rang. It was a family member who has an elderly mom and a housebound husband. Her role is usually demanding. Our call was interrupted by a call from her mom. I turned back to writing, only to have her call back.
Our conversation was so funny, I had to share. Her mom called to let her know she had pooped. Yes, you read that right. Her mom’s medications cause constipation. My cousin then laughed as she explained her daily schedule had to revolve around when her husband pooped. What does this have to do with bodybuilders? Nothing, except I guess they poop too. Parents will be familiar with a child’s book called Everybody Poops. Well caregivers understand this way too well! The first support group I ever attended had two little women in their late 80’s who shared that shaving cream applied to the posterior region helped clean their husband’s quite well.
Caregivers serve those they care for with much humility. They don’t strut their buff bodies around the gym. They just quietly exercise their muscles expecting no ohh’s and ahh’s from a cheering crowd.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
Song for Today
Go ahead and get some exercise since this started with bodybuilders..
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
Thank you for always being our strenghth. Some days bring surprises. Some bring challenges. You are with us through it all. Give us the courage to faces these with humility and grace. Help us to stop occassionly and simply enjoy the simple pleasures as well.
Caregivers rarely call me with a heart full of joy. Usually they call to ask for advice or to tell me of the decline in their loved one. Yesterday was a pleasant surprise. A woman called to tell me how wonderful it was to hear her mother talking and laughing again. My heart was thrilled to listen to her joy.
We had discussed the success we were seeing with the robotic pet and a caregiver’s wife at our last support group meeting. His wife loved her robotic dog and his only problem was keeping it clean due to her trying to feed it her food. I shared a video of my mother-in-law petting and brushing a robotic cat within days of her passing. Several in the group requested information on where they could get one.
One member of that group had gotten her mom a robotic dog this week. Her mom instantly started laughing and talking with the dog. She named it and told it that he was sleeping with her that night. Several nurses had dropped by to observe the interaction.
Sometimes we have to be creative in finding the little things that bring joy to the one we care for’s heart. Their delight brings us joy that we grab and hold on to. There is such a beauty in seeing their interest in life be activated by a tiny spark. I am reminded of a song from my childhood.
It only takes a spark to get a fire going, And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing; That’s how it is with God’s Love, Once you’ve experienced it, Your spread the love to everyone You want to pass it on.
Today I just want to pass it on as I suggest things that may brighten your day. Listening to the favorite music of your loved one can sometimes bring a few moments of clarity and communication. Music is powerful and can release chemicals into the brain that bring peace.
For pet lovers, the robotic pets can bring comfort and alleviate loneliness. A company called Joy for All sells robotic dogs, cats and birds. You can view videos of these online. Some areas have pet therapy dogs that you can arrange to have a visit from.
Many people with dementia love young children. If you have family or friends with children encourage them to visit. An afternoon sitting on the patio and watching children play in water sprinklers or chasing bubbles can be fun for all. Watch funny animal videos or videos of babies and toddlers if you do not have little ones that can visit.
Read out loud. Reading books, poetry and the Bible can be comforting. A grandchild of mine would go sit in my mom’s room and read her children’s stories. Mom loved hearing her voice and my granddaughter who was learning to read felt comfortable because mom just smiled and never corrected her misread words.
Even if the moments of joy are fleeting and rare, they are real. You have made a heart connection that you can hold on to. Think outside of the box and look for golden opportunities to make these moments happen. Think like a child and play. The caregiver’s world is stressful. You deserve a break today. If you can still be mobile, go for a ride. Get an ice cream cone.
If you are unable to get out, try some of the above suggestions made above.
Be blessed and remember this. God sees. God cares. God is creative and will give you creative ideas that may inspire joy.
Word for Today
You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.’
Acts 2:28
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
God,
Today I come seeking the joy only you can bring. Restore my joy and teach me to delight in the moments of connection that I have with you and with the one I care for. Give me ideas and inspiration when my mind is focusing on meeting basic needs and stress creeps
If you are asked what does a caregiver look like, look around and you will see beautiful people who pour into the lives of others who need them. They are young, middle aged and elderly. Every nationality is represented. Every education level can be found. Financial situations cover the spectrum.
The world talks a lot about inclusiveness. Our group called caregivers has all of this well covered. It is not an awareness, awokeness or politcal call. It is a wonderful group of people who face challenges, make sacrtifices daily without shouting out to the world for attention.
Today; however, I am shouting out to the world for you. Please notice the challenge we have accepted to make life richer and fuller for our loved ones who can no longer function on thier own. We all deserve gold medals for our valiant effort, but we do not do this for medals. We do this because we care.
Now that I have stated what we know is true and wish the world understood better, I will state some others things we long for but do not say. I am tired. I am lonely. How can I get someone else to share the load. Why did God let this happen? A visit would be nice.
We wishfully wait for a knock at the door with a friend saying one of the following:
” I brought a cake and my son is mowing your lawn this afternoon”.
“Come over to lunch tomorrow. I considered what your aunt will eat and will make finger foods so she can handle them. Please don’t say no or be embarassed. My mother had dementia and I understand they say or do things that they would not have done in the past.”
“Why don’t you place an order for your groceries this week and let me pick them up for you”?
“Forgive me for calling and telling you to let me know if you need anything. I noticed your flower bed and will be over in a few minutes to pull some weeds and then we can sit on the porch together and sip on some iced tea I am bringing and enjoy the view. It is just a small thing but I know it bothers you and you can’t leave Frank to do it yourself.”
“My son gave me two tickets to a baseball game Friday. Susan and I will be over at 5:00pm with dinner. Susan will clean up after and stay with Mary while you and I go to the game.”
We all have those secret dreams hidden away. Sometimes friends, family and neighbors want to help but simply do not take the initiative to do it. When you are feeling overwhelmed, do not be afraid to ask for a little help. You can invite them over a few times so they have a better understanding of your situation. This may alleviate their fears.
I truly wish I could sit down with you and take your hand, look you in the eye and ask, “How are you doing?. Take a few moments to ponder how you will answer that question. If you find tears filling your eyes, that is perfectly normal. Let them flow.
This poem expressed how we may feel.
Tears Only Seen by God
In the darkness when no one else sees
Tears fall softly as my heart breaks
Exhausted from holding myself together
I give in to fear and heartache.
No one sees or hears except for God
He is the only one who knows all
Without judging my mistakes
He holds me like a child so small.
When the sobbing ceases
He doesn’t turn and walk away
Remaining just to reassure me
He strengthens me for the next day
Knowing I am not forgotten and alone
I take a breath and feel newed
Thankful for his presence
I sleep with fears and pain subdued.
The wonderful truth is that the same amazing God who created us and sent His son to save us is the one who still watches over us. He sees you just as you are. He will continue to be your hope and strength. While the world around you may be in choas and your personal world may be in chaos as a caregiver, God is still in control. Trust Him.
Word for Today
Jesus Christ is thesameyesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
You amaze us every day with your continuous love and mercy. Thank you for leading others to minister to us when we just need them to be the arms of Christ extended to us. Thank you for holding us on the days we just need to cry. Give us hope as we walk this caregiving journey out by faith.
In normal conversation we ask questions and reason with someone we disagree with. These are skills we mastered as mere toddlers. Asking question is how we learn. Why is the sky blue? Why do chickens lay eggs and cats have kittens? A toddler will ask a million questions and expect answers. An adult with dementia will hear a million questions and become frustrated.
The reasoning skills are practiced early as well. Think of a three year old using this presuasive speech. I need the cookie because I am hungry. If you really love me you will give me a cookie now. Susie’s mom lets her have cookies for lunch. With puppy dog eyes and poked out lips they plead their case to get that cookie.
After vast years of questioning and reasoning, we have very much mastered these tools as a normal part of interaction with those around us. It is a large part of how we communicate.
Today I have some startling news! You are a caregiver for someone with dementia. Neither of these skills are effective anymore. Actually when used they cause a day of choas in the home. Leading a conversation with the words “don’t you remember” only sets up confusion. The answer 99% of the time is no or a blank stare.
How do you feel if someone follows you around all day pointing out your failures? That is what asking someone with dementia to remember is doing. Their brain is failing them and they often realize this. We should not ask them to remember. We should focus on the present more.
Trying to reason with someone with dementia isn’t wise either. Their rational thoughts are gone now. Asking them to think rationally is like asking a blind person to see.
It is so difficult to train our brains to respond in different ways. We have to pause and approach with caution or there will be outbursts of anger or tears from you and the one you are caring for. Peace should be our goal. Being right is no longer important. Being safe and providing a loving envirionment is important.
There are several things that seem to cause conflict the most. Money is always a sore spot. Let’s listen in on a pretend conversation.
Mom: You took all my money.
You: No mom I did not. You know I wouldn’t do that.
Mom: Yes you took it all. I don’t even have a dollar.
You: Mom, you don’t need money. I pay for what you need.
Mom: Yes. With my money
How did that go? Let’s try a different approach.
Mom: You took all of my money.
You: I understand you are concerned about your money. It is in a safe place.
Mom: Where is it? I don’t see any.
You: It is in the bank. Would you like to go for a ride? I can drive to the machine at the bank and get us some money out. Then you can pay for us to have an ice cream treat.
Mom: I want chocolate.
You acknowledged her concern about her money. You reassured her that it was safe. You distracted her with the ice cream and let her save face by buying it herself.
Has anyone had struggles at bath time? I already took my bath is the standard reply most people hear. Keep in mind that in their mind they think they did or they may simply be fearful of the bath or shower. The water may feel or sound different. They may not remember the steps that it takes to bath. My own mother would stand in the shower but never actually go through the steps of reaching for a bathcloth, applying soap, rinsing off, etc. The whole process was too overwhelming without gentle reminders and assistance.
Try gathering a change of clothing and laying out everything you will need ahead of time. Relax together and then try to gently guide them into the bath while talking about something else. Playing their favorite music in the background may also help.
When I discussed not asking them to remember, I did not mean you cannot talk about past events. Sometimes they love hearing stories and photos from earlier years. They may talk with you as you discuss the fun you had at the beach or the wedding of a grandchild.
With a little practice you can learn to never ask someone with dementia to remember or be rational.
Over the last several weeks, I have heard from caregivers that are struggling. God has prompted me to address the importance to taking time to renew yourself spiritually. This is a demanding and exhausting time. You may feel like you are in a desert and forgottern. You are not forgotten. God sees, God equips and God loves.
Word for Today
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12
Song for Today
Someone is feeling alone and in distress. Please listen to this with an open heart.
Prayer for Today
Thank you God for seeing me in my situation. Thank you for leading me into your presence and bringing me peace when stress mounts and I get frustrated. Continue to use me even on the days that I struggle and make mistakes. Let everything I do and say as a cargiver bring glory to you.
Walking Them Home 