There are times that I question why I still write this blog and lead a support group.  My personal season as a caregiver began in 2008 and ended in December 2023.  It would be so easy to walk away and simply enjoy life.  I could joyfully refocus and volunteer in an area where I did not see suffering, discouragement and pain.

Every time I have the above thoughts, God reminds me to be led by His spirit and minister to people who are walking the path that I just got off of.  Someone was there to answer my questions and reassure me while I was a caregiver.  One day I attended a funeral for a friend’s father-in-law. She was exhausted in every way.  I hugged her and she cried.  Then she pulled away and said “You are in my prayers.  My journey has ended and you are just beginning.  I am here if you need a friend to talk to that gets what you are experiencing”.

Those words play in my mind and stir my heart.  They reverberate and drive me on. 

I am climbing up onto my soapbox now.  That is quite a climb when you are five foot tall.  Now I am picking up a microphone to say what you are too timid and tired to say.

Every caregiver needs someone who will listen.  Please listen and do not consider me a whiner. My life is hard right now.  I cannot attend our water exercise classes.  I am treading waves of heartache and emotions that exhaust me.

We can’t meet you for dinner this week.  It is too difficult to go into busy places.  Our social schedule involves doctor appointments.

If you want to truly help out.  Just do it!  I simply do not have time to describe our life and schedule.  Call and tell me you are bringing dinner on Tuesday or mowing my lawn on Saturday.  Use common sense and think of something practical to do that I need done!

Hugs are a welcome gift on any day.  I haven’t forgotten you, so please do not forget me.

I am climbing down now.  The soapbox emboldens me to say the things I thought as a caregiver, but would never say out loud to anyone.  

A soapbox is not needed to say these words.

You are incredible.  Your sacrifices are worth it.  No one could possibly know how you feel unless they too have walked the caregiver path.  I listen to your stories and pray for you.  It hurts my heart to look at your text that states you will not be able to attend the support group because you cannot afford the sitter. 

 I want to have the funds to provide that for you.  Where are the gofundme pages for caregivers who have given up jobs to take care of a parent?

As my husband and I saw the lottery news, I thought of how I could provide respite care and meals for you.  I didn’t play the lottery, but I still dream of being able to do this for caregivers. Praying for God to show me the way to make this happen.

I end today by sharing some ideas for dealing with sundowning.  The definition of sundowning is lengthy.  This is something I will go into deeper in another post.  A simple explanation is that weird behaviors occur in late afternoon and early evening.  Many of you have experienced the restlessness and anxiety that occurs.  Your loved one is pacing around and around.  They may even show some aggression.

To help reduce this behavior, get outside during the day when you can.  One of the caregivers I know shared with me that her mother’s behavior has worsened after the return to daylight savings time.  That is something that does not surprise me.  All of us have to adjust when this happens.  Our circadian rhythm gets a little off beat.

In the morning she has been opening all of the blinds in the house.  She turns all of the lights on in the home just before dusk and then closes the blinds so her mom doesn’t notice the transition from day to night.

Here are a few more suggestions. 

• Playing soft music and using lavender essential oils may help someone remain calm.  
• Consider making dinner ahead of time while they are peaceful and then just reheat at dinner time.
• Limit naps during the day
• Offer a favorite snack just before their usual sundowning time

Hopefully, these may work for you.

Have a blessed Easter weekend.  I no longer have little children around, but I think my baby blue eggs will be boiled and enjoyed by the adults in my life.  As I washed them yesterday, I thought about how cool it is having colorful eggs provided by my hens  who color them without dye.

Rejoice in the hope we have because Christ is no longer in the grave!

Word for Today

2 Corinthians 5:21 

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I boldly praise you for the gift of your son and my salvation. I ask that you draw hearts to your truth. You are our hope and strength each and every day. Let us feel your presence in an amazing way.

Amen

A martyr is someone that puts something or someone first at a cost to them.  My children had a wicked sense of humor. After hearing the story I am about to share, they played the martyr game.

In a large family, the mother would always place a platter of fried chicken on the table.  Then she would choose the neck for herself.  Her children would offer her any other piece.  Her reply was always the same, “I prefer the neck”.  

We all know she was making sure her family had more meat to eat.  My kids would make comments such as “I will be cold, you take the blanket”.  Another might be “you eat the ice cream since I don’t really like it”.  Their comments were sarcastic and would turn into the next one taking it to an extreme in their sacrifice.  They called it I am the biggest martyr.

Their game was all in fun.  Unfortunately, some caregivers play this game without knowing it.

I sat at the bedside of my very independent and stubborn relative this weekend.  She has a heart condition that landed her in the hospital.  Her daughter, grandchild and I were very concerned.  She is a caregiver.  She denies her own health issues and tries to hide them.  

If this sounds like someone looking back at you in the mirror, you are guilty of being the martyr.

Putting your own needs aside to be a caregiver is a fact of life.  You find your role very demanding.  You ask yourself “when do I have time to take care of myself?”.

There are many sacrifices you will be forced to make.  Some of them are costly.

You must discern when it is something you can make adjustments on and keep a good attitude about or when it is dangerous.  You are extremely important to the one you are the caregiver for.  If you ignore your own health issues, who will take your place?

My relative’s own independent spirit and need to be in control was causing her to shut out other family members that could assist her.  This is a dangerous place to be.  Do not be guilty of this.  Find someone willing to help that you trust.  They may not do things the exact way you do, but that is alright.

As an adult child with a busy life, I wanted to be interrupted when my parents needed me.  The time I spent with them is treasured.  The experience of caregiving made me a much stronger person.  I learned valuable lessons.  Your children may be waiting to be asked to help.  Your job of protecting and providing for them has passed.  You should not protect them by not asking for their assistance.

A book that I read when my mother first showed signs of mental illness opened my eyes.  It was written by a woman who lived a distance from her family and stayed too busy to realize her parents had declining health.  When she finally went to visit, it was too late.  Her mother no longer recognized her and her father was in very poor health.  She said her final goodbye to them and then faced her regrets.  This moved her so much that she gave up her high salary and took a job as an aid at an assisted living.  She made it her mission to learn all she could and pass the information on to other families.

This pushed me to research, learn and do all I could for my parents.  I did not want them suffering and I did not want to live with regrets for being too busy to be there for them.  

If I stepped on your toes today, good!   This is a great time to reflect on who you can ask to help you.  It is also time to schedule your own doctor appointments.  I was guilty of not doing that myself.  I had filled the paperwork out so many times for my parents that it was automatic.  After they passed away, I scheduled an appointment for myself.  I was checking boxes like crazy.

• High blood pressure
• Diabetes
• Confusion
• Incontinence
• Alzheimer’s disease
• High Cholesterol
• Congestive Heart

Suddenly, I realized what I was doing and asked the receptionist for a new sheet.  Can you imagine the physician’s reaction when he saw that list?  I was really glad I caught myself.

I know your time is limited and you must be a martyr in many ways, you just don’t need to be the biggest martyr.

Turning over control to anyone is not easy.  I suggest you turn over complete control to God.  He can then give you wisdom and discernment in all decisions.  This will give you more peace and less stress.  

Word for Today

Matthew 11:28

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I praise you for helping me carry this load. Help me to know what I need to do and when to ask for help. Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to ask for help. Give me the ability to trust others when I need too.

Amen

Caregivers can be with someone and feel lonely. Your heart longs for her to squeeze your hand and look into your eyes like she used to. You miss someone who can finish your sentences and laugh at your jokes. You miss his strong arms holding you close and letting you cry. This isn’t how you expected things to be in your marriage.

At the same time, your love for them, just as they are now, is more powerful and intense than ever before. You would not really want to be anywhere else. Some days are just hard and full of challenges.

People may want to help. It takes time to ask for help. It takes time to explain so others can understand how to best provide care. It takes trust to leave your loved one with someone else. The process can be exhausting, so you sigh and just do it all yourself.

You are joined by many. Most caregivers have felt what you are feeling. I felt lonely it in the middle of the night in an emergency room with my mom. I felt lonely driving back and forth when my caregiving was long distance. I felt it sitting beside my dad who no longer had conversations with me. It hurts, but it so worth letting the other person know you are simply with them.

When you need a place to cry, turn to Jesus. He prayed in a garden while his companions fell asleep. He was betrayed by a disciple that he shared a meal with. Sometimes we feel like Jesus is the only one who understands.

I am keeping this simple today. Know you are never alone and can always turn to Jesus.

Word for Today

Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

Isaiah 49:13

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Today I feel lonely even though I know you are with me always. I need you to truly be my heavenly father. I need to know you always see my circumstances. Please heal my heart and give me peace.

Amen

I am not a cargiver at this present season in my life. Sometimes I sit and reflect on what I experienced during the season I was a caregiver. This pushes me to continue learning and sharing with you and the other caregivers in my life.

Today I want to look at the issues that you face when someone is showing signs of Alzheimer’s and related dementias. You may notice these signs before a physician gives you a diagnosis. They can be unnerving. You feel like the person you know has turned into someone else. My well dressed and organized mom was misplacing important things due to feeling a need to hide them.

Her choice of clothing was way off. Things were mismatched. Anyone who knew her knew that she always matched or coordinated down to her jewelry and shoes.  I look back at photos and realize I missed a huge clue that something was wrong.  Mom loved babies. She always held them close and snuggled them on her shoulder.  When my first grandchild was born, Mom and Dad came to visit.  In the photos Dad has her snuggled close.  Mom placed her across her lap and patted her there.  In my excitement over the baby, I failed to observe this.  It should have been my biggest clue that something was wrong.

Do not ignore these little clues.  Everyone ages and changes but pay close attention to clues that this may be more than normal aging. The changes may start happening slowly, like a rainfall begins. You will see one drop fall and then another. Soon the ripple effect will be noticed.

You may be asking yourself what do I look for. The guy shown below is disheveled, frustrated and angry. Don’t let things get this out of hand before learning more. I would like to introduce you to cognitive symptoms and neuropsychatric symptoms.

What are these?

Cognitive symptoms include

•  memory loss
•  trouble finding words
•  getting lost
•  not recognizing people and places 
•  loss of the ability to make decisions  
• handling finances

Most people realize these symptoms occur with Alzheimer’s or related dementias.

Neuropsychiatric symptoms include

• Loss of motor activity such as buttoning a shirt
• Wandering
• Apathy 
• Depression
• Agitation and Aggression
• Irritability
• Delusions
• Hallucinations
• Sleeping disorders
• Eating disorders

Most people are surprised and even shocked by these symptoms.  These symptoms can occur at any stage of the disease.  I witnessed all of the above as I helped care for my mother with Alzheimer’s disease and my mother-in-law with vascular dementia.  The delusions and hallucinations were stronger in my mother-in-law.

I had to educate myself through research to build my skill set to deal with some of these symptoms.  There were times I failed.  For instance, I was trying to keep my mother-in-law on the bed because she was in the hospital due to a fall. She was a fall risk. I was sitting at the foot of the bed blocking her exit route. She was yelling, hitting and kicking. I had rang the nurse for assistance. While I waited she yelled that I was the most demanding person she had ever met. In frustrationa and exhaustion, I replied, “No, you are”. Fortunately, she quickly forgot this and help arrived. I slipped into the hall and cried. I had to always be careful to remember who she was before the disease and remind myself that the words and actions were a result of the disease.

If you have seen any of the above symptoms, please consult with a geriatric physician, psychiatrist or neurologist for an evaluation if you have not already.

The best option for treatment when the symptoms are mild is not with medication.  Sometimes you can change the environment and redirect attention.

Always attempt to remain calm as a caregiver.  Do not argue!  It always results in frustration for you and the one you are caring for.

Here are a few ideas of things you can try when symptoms appear.

• Music therapy
• Aroma therapy
• Exercise
• Animal or pet therapy

These can be simple and inexpensive.  Simply play their favorite music in the home. Dispense essential oils through a diffuser.  Lavender may help them relax.  Citrus helps in making them more alert at meal time.  Take a walk or do exercises in a chair.  If they love pets, have friends bring pets to visit.

These may or may not work.  Music calmed my mom. When my mom refused to eat things that were not sweet she would stick the tip of her tongue out to taste what was on the spoon.  If it was sweet, she would open her mouth.  It is amazing how many pureed meals were eaten because we learned to dip the end of the spoon in yogurt or ice cream.

My mother-in-law loved pets dearly.  In her last days she had become very withdrawn.  I scrambled to find her a robotic cat.  I turned it on and walked into her room with it.  Just as I placed it in her lap, it meowed and lifted a paw.  She instantly began talking to it and rubbing it.

Get creative.  You may be surprised by how little things can ease the tension.

There may come a time that medications are necessary.  Work with the doctor.  Keep them informed of changes.  Ask questions.  All medications carry a risk.  

Some medications can cause confusion and make the patient a fall risk.

Inform friends and family when these symptoms begin to occur.  Everyone needs to be prepared.  I received a call one morning from my mother-in-law.  She wanted me to know someone was visiting her.  She said they knocked on the window and waved.  She was waiting for them to come to her room.  My husband texted the friend.  She was not even in the same city at the moment.  If I did not already know mom was having issues, I would have believed her.  The delusions are very real for them. They can be quite convincing.

Neighbors need to know as well. My mom actually went in through a neighbor’s basement door, walked through the house and into the bathroom where the neighbor was in a towel after showering. She looked up into her mirror to see my mom standing there. Imagine that shock!

A caregiver in my support group left his wife watching the television while he bathed. The house was empty when he finished. He grabbed his clothes and shoes quickly. As he opened his door to search for her, an officer was on his porch to ask if he was looking for a woman. She had wandered down the block. A man had called 911 and they were about to leave with her in an ambulance.

Here is an important thing to remember. Suddenly, a gentle lamb can turn into a roaring lion.  It can be scary.  Step one should be to get them checked for a urinary tract infection.

My support group members share what has worked and not worked for them.  Please find a support group online or in your area.  Here are a few clever ideas they have come up with.

1. Use shaving cream to clean dirty bottoms
2. Remove and hide stove knobs so the stove cannot be turned on
3. Tie the faucet to the cabinet so it cannot be turned around and flood the kitchen.
4. Hide the liquid dishwashing detergent…imagine an “I Love Lucy” episode
5. Crush pills and mix them in the the cream of a Little Debbie oatmeal cake
6. Buy kids blocks to keep hands busy
7. Give mom a broom and make sure someone “accidentally” keeps blowing leaves on the porch.
8. Never trust that they swallow all pills.  They are skilled at swallowing water and then spitting pills out when you turn your back.
9. Ice cream solves everything!

The symptoms above are not shared to scare you.  They are shared to prepare you.

Be strong.  Continue to seek information.  Trust God for ideas.

Word for Today

Proverbs 15

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Heavenly Father,

I know that you see my situation. Equip me with creativity to handle symtoms that arise. Give me compassion and understanding when I deal with behaviors brought on by disease. Give me courage as I find my way each day. 

Amen

Contentment is something I decided to focus on this year. One source I read defined contentment as being free of worry. I see contentment as accepting the situation I find myself in while trusting God with the things I cannot change.

.

While pondering this blog idea, I awoke to the above early last week. For a southern girl it was wonderful. My contentment was easy with an 8 inches of snow outside the door. Our gas logs were working, food was stocked and hot chocolate and hot tea were enjoyed. The contentment was tested when the temps were very low for us. Rural life in southern states means no snow plows will be clearing your road.  It was nine days of snow with icy roads. Someone accustomed to this weather can go ahead and laugh.

As a caregiver, you may wonder if you can be content and how do you remain content in ever changing situations.

These are great questions. You must face the reality of things in your life that cannot be changed. To accept this reality is not always easy. Each caregiver situation is different and we are all equipped with different abilities.

My northern friends are well equipped to handle the snow.  You may not be as well equipped to handle our southern heat and humidity.  We have air conditioners and fans everywhere. 

In life as a caregiver, the weather isn’t as big of a challenge to navigate as emotional storms, physical exhaustion and spiritual ups and downs are.  Finding contentment in all of this can be a struggle itself.

A big difference for many is learning to live in the moment.  Don’t dwell on what you have lost.  Don’t live in anxiety about what comes next.  Allow yourself to look for the bright moments in each day.  Some days may be so trying that it is a stretch for you. Watch this example of a little girl named Pollyanna.

I have been called a Pollyanna.  

Pollyanna is probably the most misunderstood fictional character of 20th century American literature. When most people think of Pollyanna, they think of an overly optimistic goody-goody who doesn’t see the harsh reality of the world. The term Pollyanna has taken on quite a negative connotation, and you frequently hear people using the term apologetically—I hate to be a Pollyanna, or critically—Stop being such a Pollyanna.

In fact, Pollyanna was not unrealistic or overly optimistic about anything. She was a little girl with a very poor but very wise father who recognized the duality of everything in life and taught her to play a game based on this idea.

Pollyanna’s game was known as the “glad game.” One day Pollyanna’s father, who was a church missionary supported by donations from the Ladies’ Aid Society, received a long-awaited donation box for his family. Pollyanna, who had very few toys, had been wishing with all her might for a doll, but the only thing for her to play with was a broken pair of crutches.

When Pollyanna started to cry, her father promised her that if she stopped crying he would teach her to play a game that would bring her more happiness than any doll ever could. He taught her that in every situation, no matter how bad it might seem, you could always find something to be glad about if you looked hard enough.

Pollyanna and her father played that game every day, looking as hard as they could to find the thing they could be glad about in every situation. The more difficult the situation, the more fun and challenging it was for them.¹ 1. Porter, Eleanor, H. (1990). Pollyanna. Puffin Classics. London.

Psychologists and researchers are talking about how gratitude affects the brain.  Some are finding that feeling thankful has health benefits such as improved sleep and less anxiety.  You don’t even have to buy a pill for these benefits.

God’s word addresses having gratitude:

• “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippians 4:6)
• “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15)

Maybe the key to contentment is showing gratitude for the little things. There were times when my mother was bedridden and in pain. I would sit by her side praying for her with tears streaming down my cheeks. Feeling helpless when I could not comfort her was not a place I ever want to return to. Those days were ones that I struggled to play the glad game. I dug deep and decided to thank God that I could be there holding her hand so she would know she was not alone.

You will have days that you have to dig deep to find something to be thankful for. I encourage you to do the digging. You will realize that you do have things to be grateful for.

Word for Today

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I am grateful every day for your presence in my life. You know my heart and struggles. Help me to remember that your are with me each morning with mercy, grace, compassion and forgiveness. Your faithfulness is something I can always be grateful for. Remind me of this when I become fretful.

Amen

“Time is lost when we have not lived a full human life, time unenriched by experience, creative endeavor, enjoyment, and suffering.”

– Dietrich Bonhoeffer

When most of your time is spent as a caregiver, you tend to forget that part of a full life includes some suffering. You are challenged daily. These trials cause you to dig deeper to find the fortitude to keep going.

Most of us know that someone with dementia has trouble with time perception. You can go to take a shower and return to a frantic and anxious person who insists that you have been gone for several hours.

Looking back I remember when a day seemed to be way longer than it was. I longed for nighttime when I could let my guard down and relax after my loved one was asleep. Now that my parents and in-laws are free from Alzheimer’s, vascular dementia and cancer after transitioning to heaven, I realize just how fast the time really went. Did I make the most of that time? Did I record their voice and images to cherish now when I miss them? Did I just sit and hold their hand when they were lonely?

I think I must be have been suffering from a different version of time perception. I remember my dad saying that time seems to pass faster as you get older. Now I completely understand why he said this. Who is that older woman staring at me in the mirror? Is it really about to be 2024?

Have you thought about what this next year may hold for you? Caregivers find themselves in a position that involves planning and remaining flexible. It is a juggling act that is hard to master. 

Making resolutions for the new year may be simple:

  Try to eat right and stay healthy

  Accept the fact that change is inevitable.

  Focus on what is important.

  Cherish the moments that connections are real.

  Allow others to pick up part of the load you carry as a caregiver.

  Trust God for strength and wisdom.

Here are a few thoughts to consider. 

Always have a backup person should you have an emergency yourself or illness. 

Keep a note book with a list of doctors, medications, food allergies, veternarians, children’s phone numbers, food likes and dislikes. Everything that you have stored in your memory that assists you as a caregiver needs to be there for your backup.

If you have a usual grocery list, post it inside a cabinet door. You can order it and let a friend pick it up for you.

Keep your power of attorney, medical directives and list of medications in a folder in your vehicle. You may need it and not have them with you. Take a photo and keep in on your phone.

When you leave the house have a small backpack. Take a change of underwear, depends, wipes, snacks and fidget toys Would you leave the house to run errands or for doctor visits with a toddler without these items? You have to do this for an adult who is becoming incontinent. They also get hungry and impatient when having to wait for any length of time.

Schedule appointments around nap times. Avoid scheduling any activites in the late afternoon.

I hope these suggestions help. Unfortunately, you have no way of knowing what changes will occur as dementia progresses. God alone knows the timing of this. As you listen to His still small voice, you will be ready to face the changes.

You are vital as the caregiver. It is so very important to allow someone to assist from time to time. That is the only way they can step in for you. You have to educate them.

Praying you have a blessed new year.

Word for Today

2 Corinthians 9:8

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I praise you for always having time for me even when I don’t treasure that time as I should. Teach me how to pray throughout my busy day. I need your guidance and reassurance. Show me how to hear your voice and to follow the path you have for me.

Amen

Yes, you read it right.  I meant to say “Mary Christmas” My last post was about unexpected peace. Today I would like to expound on this idea. We will return to the story of Mary.

Mary was in need of a peaceful night. She had been on a most amazing adventure. I want to share a little about Mary’s months leading up to the night she gave birth.  She, an ordinary girl, was visited by an angel.  When the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary he spoke these words “Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God.” 

I did a little research and  discovered that the words do not be afraid were used over 72 times in the Bible before Mary heard them.  Past history made no mention of God’s favor following the words do not be afraid. This stood out enough to catch my attention.

Having the favor of God means having grace and support.  God knew Mary would be judged, gossiped about, misunderstood and shunned for being an unwed mother. No human had ever been asked to bear the weight of carrying the Son of God in her womb.  Peolpe would not believe her story.  I imagine Mary felt alone and scared.  God showered her with grace.  This grace became her strength and support to see the task God had given her through to the end.  That task would also include seeing her son she bore nailed to a cross.

The pain would have been unbearable without God’s grace.

Mary and Joseph traveled and waited in a stable on that night of Jesus’ birth.  The stars were shining brightly.  The sounds were those of animals huddled in the stable with them.  Their visitors were a few wisemen and a small group of shepherds.   It was simple.  It was peaceful. This peace is what I wish for you when I wish you a Mary Christmas.

Like Mary, you have experienced some pain.  When a loved one develops dementia, human nature results in people  judging, gossiping and even  abandoning you in your journey. With patience and grace  Mary trusted God. Few friends could comprehend. God revealed the truth to a relative named Elizabeth. This gave her a friend who understood.

Your Christmas may look and feel different if you slow down. Forget the hyped up lights, music and expectations we humans have made Christmas into.  Return to the quiet starry night that brought Mary peace. Keep it simple. Return to the true reason for celebrating.

Two nights last week my husband and I were bundled up sitting in our field watching a meteor shower.  The last year had been full of loss and pain. We had already decided this year Christmas would be different.  We would keep it simple and marvel at the gift God sent under a starry night long ago.  It was perfect.  A true peace filled our hearts. 

Mary gave birth to God’s son one night.  She held her baby knowing her life had changed.    God changed your world when he asked you to be a caregiver.  You have His favor.  God will give you peace just as he gave to Mary, my husband, and I.

Now you know why I wish you a Mary Christmas. This season can be filled with God’s favor. Walk in this favor. Ask him for wisdom in how to navigate family and friends.  Ask God to send people to you who understand your journey.

I have listened to the voices of caregivers over the last couple of weeks. I hear loneliness, anxiety, exhaustion and frustration when I listen closely. If I could be there in person, I would wrap my arms around you and whisper “Be still and trust God”.

Word for Today

Acts 20:24
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Help me to trust that your favor is with me just as it was with Mary. On the difficult days, I will try to walk in gentleness. An angel may not have appeared to me saying do not be afraid, but just like Mary I face a daunting task. Sometimes I watch someone slipping away from me and long for who they once were. Give me grace as I continue my task of walking with them to their eternal home with you.  I thank you for sending Christ to bring me hope.

Amen

This was the first Thanksgiving my husband and  I have ever spent alone.  No parents are alive to take care of or to spend time with.  Our children and grandchildren live across the country. Our brothers were with their children and grands.  I expected to feel sad and alone.  Surprisingly, it was the opposite.  I chose to not focus on past holiday activities or worry about future ones.  I decided to live in the moment.

God knew the heaviness we had felt for so long and blessed us with incredible peace. We rented a mountain cabin in the foothills of Tennessee for the whole week.  Our cell phones had no service.  It was isolated and the view was amazing.  We rocked on the porch and sipped our coffee.  When we were hungry we ate.  If someone got sleepy, they took a nap.  We had no schedule.  We read, walked outdoors, watched football, snuggled and prayed.

This was unexpected and was something I could not have thought possible just 12 months ago.  We were about to enter several rough weeks as caregivers at that time. The month of  round the clock shifts at the hospital and nursing home began on Dec. 2.  It was a roller coaster ride that left us exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.  

There are times that you forget you will have peace and a life that goes on after caregiving.  I am writing this to remind you that your life will go on.  Your heart will heal.  You will still find purpose in life.  Your days will move beyond just getting through to finding joy again.

You may even be asking yourself” who am I?”.  You may have laid everything aside to be a caregiver.  Your days have been filled with meeting the needs of someone else.  You are a different person than you were when the caregiving journey began.  You are more mature and seasoned from your experience.

While still on the journey, consider starting a journal.  Think about new skills you have acquired.  Reflect on  how you have a changed perspective on what is important.  Consider the circle of friends who have remained close and fellow caregivers who have become friends.  Make a bucket list that you can look forward to in the future.  Fear of the future can be faced with great courage because a caregiver has more grit and courage than most people.

God gave us so many examples in the bible of people who found themselves in painful and trying situations that were not what they had planned.  Joseph was thrown into a pit, sold to strangers and then was thrown into prison because of a lying woman.  I can only guess that God was building his character and preparing him for a day of unexpected peace when he was restored to his family.

Mary was a young woman waiting to marry her Joseph.  Obviously, God had chosen her for an amazing task.  Can you imagine the humiliation she must have faced being pregnant before she was married?   The gossip of people had to be heard in every corner of the village.  She had to trust God  from a very young age.  One night she gave birth in a stable.  She felt God’s unexpected peace as she held her baby more than any other mother has ever had.

You are living  a time of your life where you are set apart to focus on someone who depends on you every day.  Some days are long and trying.  God is building gifts in you that you didn’t even realize you had. When your time of caring is over,  you will find new things to do.  You will have peace that you never thought possible.  Hold tightly to God because He is holding your tears, hopes and dreams near His heart.

Word for Today

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come to you today feeling as if life is full of change that I am not ready for. Becoming a caregiver was never what I expected my future to hold. In the midst of it, I trust you each day to calm the waves of frustration, exhaustion and fear. Give me hope that you will help me make it through. Hold my heart together as I feel like it is shattered.

Help me to trust you with my life after being a caregiver fades away. Mold me, refresh me and give me hope.

Amen

Every caregiver I know has made a mistake and then felt like a failure.  My most recent one happened in a hospital almost a year ago.  Now I can forgive myself and even see some humor in it.  At the moment right after it happened I was standing in a hallway with tears streaming down my face.

My mother-in-law was a very determined woman who was used to getting her way.  She had vascular dementia and was grieving the loss of her husband.   A fall in the wee hours of the morning had caused  a hospital stay.  She was a fall risk, highly paranoid of everything and everyone and weak.  My husband and I had been taking turns going home to rest.  I had been with her all day.  Anxiety had been building all day.  The new medications prescribed for hallucinations and delusions had been ordered but not started.  After fighting with her sheets, she was determined to get up.  I was sitting at the corner of her bed with my arms spanning the corner between her bed rails while trying to be gentle and calm as she threw punches, kicked and yelled.  

Imagine a five foot tall person sitting at the foot of the bed and blocking her from getting up.  I had a foot stretched out trying to hit the nurse call button.  Words were coming out that I had never heard from her.  Then she screamed at me that I was the most demanding person she had ever met.  Due to exhaustion, I lost it.  I firmly replied back, “No, you are”.

Regret hit instantly.  I knew it was the disease causing the behavior.  I teach classes on how to remain calm and reassuring.  Exhaustion and the pain of seeing her this way overtook me.  When the nurses finally came, they immediately paged her doctor.  He stopped outside her door to ask what was happening.  After calmly filling him in, tears began to roll.  My husband, who had no idea of what had just transpired, turned the corner.  He saw my tears and ran to me with a look of fear.  I reassured him that his mom was still very much alive and then escaped to a waiting room to pull myself back together.  

I sat in a corner asking God to forgive me for not being more patient.  Just like the photo above, I had palced a sign on myself saying “FAILURE!”. God forgave me and for the next few weeks I sat patiently by my mother-in-law’s side. I massaged her hands with lotion. I pushed her to the window to watch birds at the feeder, I gently coached her to eat. We listened to music and she brushed a stuffed cat we had given her. In the last moments, my husband and I sat holding her hand and praying. God enabled us to be the caregiver she deserved.

How do you move beyond feeling like a failure? Every caregiver I know has felt like a failure. We made a choice to respond in a way that is not the best. The feelings of regret, guilt and hopelessness eat away at us.

Caregivers make mistakes. Causes of mistakes can be any of the below:

• Lack of knowledge
• Exhaustion
• Frustration
• Anger
• Resentment of no help
• Financial stress
• Lack of sleep
• Changes in behavior issues
• Isolation

Each of us can remember the day we blew it. We can beat ourselves up or try again. Truthfully, you have no choice but to try again. Try to focus on what you did right. Ask for forgiveness. Correct what you got wrong. Wipe the tears. Remove the failure sign from around your neck and start over.

If you are a football fan, you most likely have heard of Jalen Hurts. He had a bright future and loads of potential as a starting quarterback at the University of Alabama. He was benched because of a few poorly executed plays in an important playoff game. He watched another quartrback from the sidelines for a whole season before transfering to Oklahoma and then went on to be an unlikely draft pick. Today he leads the Philadelphia eagles.

Jalen chose to use the defeats and pain to grow stronger. He didn’t give up when the going got tough. He dug in and worked hard to be a success. Many long nights were spend as he mulled over disappointments.

You may not be an athlete, but you have to have the same determination and drive to be a caregiver. You spend long nights mulling over how you became a caregiver and how a disease has robbed you of dreams.

Try putting the emphasis on the positive.

The only way I survived was trusting God to guide my steps. He taught me to focus on grace instead of guilt. He taught me to serve without becoming bitter toward those who didn’t step up to help. His steadfast love toward me showed me how to give the same unconditional love to others. His forgiveness when I failed allowed me to forgive myself.

This past weekend I was honored to sit in a room for a day with family and professional caregivers. I looked into the eyes of people who give it their best and still have failures. It let me know cargiving is hard for all of us. Together we learned, laughed, cried and shared our stories. This was not an awards ceremony with red carpets and fancy clothes . Cheerleaders and fans were not going crazy on the sidelines. No large checks or trophies were handed out. We didn’t need that. We all looked around and understood we were winners!

You said yes to caregiving. You are a winner.

You, however, have chosen to face challenges that are downright hard. You receive little glory and no money. You are strong because you pick yourself up and keep going. Making mistakes and learning from them makes you winners. One day you will stand before God and hear the words “well done”.

I didn’t want to leave this without sharing an idea we used with our teens on a youth retreat once. Some of our teens carried a lot of anger and resentment due to people failing them. We sent them on a walk on a farm with stations set up to stop at and then follow the instructions there. The most powerful thing they did was stop at the stone station. The instructions were to pick up a stone for each person they were angry at. They were to pray and forgive that person. Then they were to throw that stone across the field as they forgave them. They were not to leave until they had found peace in their hearts.

Do you need a pile of stones to throw? Just look into the invisible heavy backpack you have been wearing. Find a quiet place to seek God and toss those stones away. You will walk away from offenses that you have been collecting for a while.

Keep going and trust God to make you better and more like who He needs you to be.

Word for Today

 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-17

Song for Today Written and performed by Peter and his wife Gracie. Peter is her cargiver. I recently had the honor of meeting Peter.

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I have accepted the call to be a caregiver. It is not an easy road. Please help me walk it. When I make mistakes, please forgive me and show me how to start over. Lift my spirit from the deep depths of despair. Teach me to walk with confidence knowing that you are with me. Give me ideas when mine are not working. Give me mentors who have already overcome their failures and moved on to finish the task.

On sleepless nights when I toss and turn, renew my mind with hope and peacefulness. Send friends and family to help share the load. Send strangers when no family or friend steps forward. Help me to turn anger at those I had counted on over to you before bitterness creeps in.

Forgive my mistakes and teach me how to forgive others. Work on all of us as we struggle to get this right.

We praise you for never forsaking us.

Amen