Flux is a state of uncertainty about what should be done (usually following some important event) preceding the establishment of a new direction of action. You need to pause sometimes and look for beauty around you. I have been trying to do just that.
This describes my absense from writing on this blog for such a lengthy time. There are way too many stories for me to share them all in today’s post about why I found myself in this state of flux. All caregivers face uncertainty on their journey. Many important events occur as well. Caregivers are always making decisions and taking action as their journey ebbs and flows.
Flux can be explained simply as finding it hard to make decisions to move forward after being knocked to your knees feeling drained of emotions after the tears have ceased. You sit wanting to move forward but finding your legs weak and afraid to stand.
I have shared much from my journey with a mom who had Alzheimer’s, a father who suffered mini strokes and mild dementia, a father-in-law who passed from cancer last October and then the moving of my mother-in-law to an assisted living due to vascular dementia. Add to this relocating to two cities, seeing childen relocate across country and a minor surgery and cancer scare myself and you have a picture of the last 14 years of my life. There have been many ebbs and flows due to these circumstances. I have found God’s grace and strength to face every challenge.
Earlier this year, a friend lost her dear husband to cancer. He was just getting ready to retire and they had dreams of travel and time with family. These dreams were shattered to pieces and she is left standing alone and broken hearted in the pile. Raw emotions overwhelm her as she now faces the rest of her life without her soul mate by her side. I sat on the other end of the phone and listened as she sobbed and watched her husband to make sure he was still breathing several nights.
I have said goodbye to many relatives, but I have had a rock solid husband by my side each time. Over the last few months I have awakened during the night and listened to my husband breathe or snore. If he is too quiet, I reach to see if his body is warm. That may sound morbid, but I am being honest. The thoughts of losing him someday have awakened a desire to be more than a caregiver and support group leader. We do not know how many years we will have together. It is time to begin to live some of our dreams. They are not grand or lofty. They include walks on the beach, fishing, watching meteor showers or maybe traveling in a camper.
I have been praying and thinking about what God is asking me to do. I can still post from where ever my dreams take me. I can allow God to order my steps to those of others when I can offer them encouragement and knowledge about caregiving. It may be on the beach or around a campfire. I could speak to senior groups and church leaders as we travel. Basically, I desire to be used by God to speak into the lives of caregivers as I allow myself to dream again.
Living in a state of flux is not always bad. Sometimes when the important events in your life involve extreme heartache and loss, you just have to sit still and allow God to heal the places no person has the ability to heal. If you find yourself suffering from loss today, Sit still and allow God to hold you and heal your heart. You will realize that when you attempt to stand that the weak kness are stronger. The battles you fought exposed strengths you didn’t realize you had. You are stronger and ready to take action again. Use what you have learned to help others in their battles. Together we can survive and move forward.
A song suggestion for today is
A verse to encourage you is
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
A prayer to help
Dear God,
Our lives as caregivers and just travelers on our way home seem to always be in a state of flux. Give us peace as we navigate our path. Give us hope as we stand in the knowledge that you remain the same day after day. Give us strength as we rely on you when we feel weak.
Amen
Walking Them Home 