I am far from being bilingual. This makes it difficult when I am around someone who’s native language is not the same as mine. Caregiving for someone with Alzheimer’ disease has forced me to face the stark reality that I had no choice but to learn to speak and understand a language that my parents now spoke. One parent lived in a new territory that I refer to as Alzheimer’s World. My other parent was residing in a territory I will call Mild Cognitive Decline World. To travel to their world, I sometimes felt like the one who was confused and lost. The most challenging part was having two parents living in different worlds at once. While neither was fun and exciting like Disney World, both provided excessive amount of adventure.
Once upon a time, I lived in “Normal World” with my parents. They were great parents and did their best to provide a nourishing and loving environment for my brother and I. They were active in their church, jobs, Lions club, Band Boosters and Atheletic Boosters. Steady and dependable are words that describe them the best. No family is perfect, but we grew up thinking ours was close. My brother and I were busy with our own families after becoming adults. Life was good.
Skip ahead several years and we began to see cracks in the armor of our parents. This happens as we become adults. This was different though. Slight personality changes were obvious in our mom. Dad was doing a wonderful job of hiding this from us in the beginning. Eventually, it could be hidden no longer. We were faced with seeing that “Happily Ever After” was not going to be the ending of their story.
Dad needed help navigating the progression of Mom’s Alzheimer’s. Stress was mounting as he floundered. He was giving a major effort to care for her. This once young athletic guy with no sisters even learned how to apply her makeup and assist with her hair. He cooked, cleaned and gave it his best.
That is when my quest to learn all I could about this disease began. I bought books, searched online and found a caregivers support group. In a sense immersing myself in this was a boot camp. Much was learned quickly. I want to share a brief amount of helpful information to help you learn Alzheimer’s language.
Rules for the Caregiver
- Do not argue.
- Do not try to talk them out of anything.
- Do not try to make them remember.
- Enter their reality.
- Do not try to reason with them.
- Stay calm
The disease is in control and not the person you are caring for. Try to separate the two.
- Speak slowly and give them time to process short sentences
- Rather than give an order, ask for a favor
- Monitor your own emotional state
- Redirect and distract with music and other activities such as snacks or taking a walk
- Release your expectations of them to be who they were in the past.
- Remember that their new reality is just as real to them as yours is to you
Facial expressions and your tone of voice speak volumes!
When dad began to have unexplained falls I suspected mini strokes. While he was mom’s primary care giver, he was beginning to show a loss of judgement. I would observe and make suggestions. Dad would get upset and walk away from conversations. I learned to let it go and wait. He would call me a couple of day’s later with a wonderful idea of how to handle a situation. I would listen as he told me the exact idea I had given him. I would then let him know that I thought it was a wonderful idea. This preserved his dignity and it worked. One day he ws mad and informed me that my brother and I were trying to control his life so were no longer his power of attorney. The next day he called wanting me to come and explain insurance papers to him. I told him I was no longer his power of attorney. He replied, “Oh, yes you are”.
Learning the best way to communicate with him was to allow him to think everything was his idea. You will learn to speak a language that they understand through trial and error. It can occur though if you are persistant.
You can do this! God will be your constant help when you feel anxious, sad or ill equipped.
Word for Today
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
God,
I praise you for the love and kindness you show to me. Give me the ability to share that kindness as I learn to communicate with others, especially those with dementia. Help me to listen more and speak to them in a way they understand. My greater desire is for you to continue to speak to their hearts and souls through their confusion.
Amen
Walking Them Home 