Welcome to Our World

I read a news article today about what happened to our brains after living through the recent pandemic. Studies have been conducted about this and results are being presented. I just have to share a quote from the study with you.

“But we believe the cumulative stressors of the pandemic — such as prolonged isolation, disrupted routines, reduced physical and cognitive activity, and economic uncertainty — likely contributed to the observed brain changes,” Mohammadi-Nejad

We all know what it is like to experience all of the above for many years at a time as caregivers. How have we even survived? We have shown excellence in beating the odds and have God with us. We must be better equipped than most. ( Not judging…just observing).

Yes, this may sound snarky and uncaring toward those who struggle. I am venting and letting off steam for all of us who have learned to keep going when things are extremely difficult. Life can be very challenging and sometimes the ones who whine the loudest get all of the attention. Most caregivers I know are too busy to whine. We are equipped because we keep striving and learning. We fall on our knees when we are overcome and feel helpless.

Seriously, we do live in a world where isolation, stress, interrupted schedules and chaos can be the normal for many years as the person we care for is losing ground and we live in a state of flux where flexibility is critical. Please know that you are doing incredible things in a challenging situation. I would not wish this burden on anyone. Truly it is the heaviest one I have ever tried to survive. It was only when I chose to see caregiving as an act of love that I could see the positive side. It was only when I admitted that I didn’t have all of the answers that God became my guide in everything.

Our pandemic is known as Alzheimer’s disease. We have no vaccines. We sometimes feel abandoned because people fear the unknown. We do have others caregivers living in our situations. We are not alone! We have God and we have each other.

Word for Today

Ephesians 4:2

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Hello God,

It is me again just taking time to acknowledge you. When life is hard and I continue to press on, give me strength and people to stand with me. I thank you for allowing me to view caregiving as an act of love. You are my counselor, provider and comforter. You are the hope I stand on.

Amen

Rest Relax Refresh

In theory these words are awesome. In reality as a caregiver they sound impossible.

I can relate. When I was a long distance caregiver for my mom, there were times that I longed for relaxation and fun. I had just returned from a couple of weeks with my parents. My grandchildren were in the backyard pool splashing and laughing. I longed to join them; however, exhaustion won over and I found myself on the front porch swing with tears flowing. Guilt prevented me from simply telling them that Grandma was not up for their visit and just wanted a good nap. After a few minutes of alone time, I dried the tears. I forced a smile and jumped into the pool with them.

I don’t consider those moments a pity party. I consider them honesty. I desperately needed a few moments of solitude before joining the real party going on at the pool. My little girls had a way of refreshing me with their silly and carefree play. Tension eased and I think their high energy restored mine a bit. I know their hugs refreshed my heart and soul.

We require rest. We have to find ways to relax and then refresh.

Financial and time constraints may prevent spa trips and reading a favorite book. Here are a few simple things all caregivers can do for themselves and with the one they are caring for.

Sniff an orange. Enjoy the citrusy aroma.

Take a walk.

Listen to music

Pet a furry friend

Learning to enjoy simple things rather than longing for bigger things is key to making the days easier to bear. Take a few deep breaths. Remind yourself that God has given you the ability to survive caregiving.

Word for Today

I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint. Jeremiah 31:25

Song for Today

Dear God,

Sometimes I forget that the rest I need and the refreshing I long for can truly only come from you. Forgive me for trying to push on without turning to you. I come today to simply say I need you each and every day. When I am not able to go on, you carry me and then gently set me down renewed and ready to care for others. With a grateful heart I can go on. Thank you for your faithfulness that is new every day.

Amen

Kitchen Table Talks

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

Eleanor Roosevelt

The past week has been filled with old friends, new friends and family. Some of the days were carefully planned and others were unexpected occurances. Close freinds came for a brief visit of a few days. We hugged, shared meals, laughed and took them sightseeing in our area. One of them is struggling with his mother’s care. He goes to visit her often, but feels guilty that his sister is bearing most of the load. My husband and I listened and shared advice. Our hearts truly felt his pain.

On one of our adventures we met a couple who struck up a conversation. The lady voluntered that she had recently lost her mother to Alzheimer’s. She was generally surprised to learn that I lead a support group and wanted more information.

After our friends left, I heard a knock at the door. Our neighor had dropped by to escape his home for a few minutes. Tension was high and he needed to escape. His elderly mom has moved in with him and his wife works in a stressful job from home. That in itself may have some of you nodding your heads. We have all had days that we needed a little escape. Finding a safe place to do that can prove to be difficult. He felt safe enough that he found an excuse to drop by later in the week to let us know things were better.

Last night my brother-in-law came over for dinner. After eating, we settled in our family room to talk. Eventually, he had questions about dementia and wanted to know how to help a friend. He has experiece from dealing with his mom and was well aware that symtoms can vary.

You may find yourself interacting with a caregiver who needs a listening ear, word of encouragement, practical advice or prayer. These moments often happen in unexpected circumstances or times. Maybe you are the caregiver needing that for yourself. My prayer is that God continues to direct paths to cross on this journey. I know I have been in both positions and have been so fulfilled when friendships have developed along the way.

Have a blessed day and trust God to send someone your way to comfort you or for you to comfort.

Word for Today

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Song for Today

Flashback song to make you smile

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for always knowing how fragile I am at times and sending someone my way. Thank you for the friends I have made along the caregiving journey. Touch their hearts today as you have touched mine.

Amen

Tag…You Are It!

I always felt handicapped when on the playground as a child. My height as a full grown adult is only five feet. Most people run faster because their stride is longer. That feeling continues off the playground. On a vacation several years ago we were walking through Vancouver Cananda. Everyone in the group except me was 6 feet tall. Their casual stroll was a fast paced walk for me trying to keep up. After a long morning of sightseeing and a lunch in Chinatown, I found a bench and instructed them to continue on, I would wait for them and join the group later. They were frustrated and urged me to keep walking. I refused. I was exhausted.

Many times when a family member is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, everyone panics and wants to run before they are tagged it as the caregiver. When we face uncertainty or a complex situation, we all find excuses. This is not uncommon or new.

Long ago a man named Gideon was hiding while grinding wheat. A group of people known as the Midianites had tormented the Israelites. They raided their fields, animals and land. The Israelites cried out to God for help. Gideon was simply hiding in a winepress and grinding wheat when an angel appeared. The angel told Gideon to gather an army to fight the Midianites. Gideon had an excuse. He responded, “my clan is the weakest, and I am the least of my family”.

We may feel the same way Gideon did, inadequate and a little fearful. We use many excuses such as ” I am too busy to take care of mom” or “she has always like you best so you would be better doing this”. What we are really saying is that this is going to be too hard for me. Tag someone else for caregiver.

God had a word for GIdeon. It was simple and plain but spoken in truth. “I will be with you” is what Gideon heard. As an experienced caregiver I can attest to that statement. God showed up each and every day on my journey.

While there are a vast number of books, training and podcasts for caregivers, they can only prepare and advise you from other people’s experience and knowledge. Every case of Alheizmer’s is different. Every day may even be different. I understand why you want to run away.

God was my guide on the journey of caregiving.

When I was traveling 6 hours each way God allowed me to find still waters. (Psalm 23:2)

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

When I had to make difficult decisions He lead me to the right one. (Psalm 25:9)

He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

When I floundered God sustained me and still does. (Psalm 54:4)

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

When my parents and In-laws passed away God comforted me. (Psalm 23:4)

Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

When people suggested I was not doing things right God reassured me. (Psalm 73:24)

You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

When criticism and judgements became harsh God whispered in my ear. (Isaiah 30:21)

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

When the long nights of feeling helpless kept me awake God calmed me. (Isaiah 42:16)

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
    along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
    and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
    I will not forsake them.

God didn’t send me an actual angel like Gideon had, but he used people who lended themselves to be God’s servants. Cards came in the mail. A stranger knocked on my dad’s door with a bouquet of flowers. A nurse found a quiet place in the emergency room to pray for me. A neighbor brought our dinner. Friends prayed, laughed and cried with me. My amazing husband walked each step of the way with me.

In parting, I readily admit that there were times when I longed for someone to slow down enough for me to tag them and say “tag, you are it”. Those thoughts were fleeting because I know what an honor it was to walk my parents to their final home in heaven. If you have been tagged, remember that God is with you.

Wondering what happened to Gideon? It is a really cool story. Dust off your Bible and read Judges 6 and 7. It definitely is reassuring to know when you get tagged by God, He goes to battle with you.

Word for Today

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. Psalm 54:4

Song for Today I just couldn’t resist reminding you of other battles God fought.

Prayer for Today

God,

I am not sure why I have been chosen to be a caregiver. Humbled I come to you as my guide. Give me courage, patience and compasssion. Equip me for the journey and walk beside me each step of the way.

Amen

Men Fix Things

Today I am addressing the men who are caregivers. Most men by nature are fixers. Give them a problem and they immediately begin making plans to fix the problem. Sometimes they don’t even stop to listen to the fine print details you need to express to them.

I am married to one of those men. He is amazing, He truly is a jack of all trades. He has a shop full of tools. He has backups for backups when it comes to being prepared. Now that you tube is available, he keeps expanding his knowledge. While I am inside writing, he is outside repairing pvc pipes on our rain catchment system.

I could continue to expound upon how much money we have saved because he doesn’t need to call a repairman. Having said all of this, even he had to face reality when he was caring for his mom with vascular dementia. He simply could not fix things for her. There were days that I observed as he applied every tool in his caregiver toolbox. He proofreads my blog. He listens to my lessons when I teach. He hears me counseling caregivers on the phone. He attends seminars with me. He has a vast amount of knowledge in this area. There are days that no tool works. You have to accept that it is in God’s hands and just be present and show love in any way you can.

Women, we face days that we just can’t fix it as well. I felt like a complete failure one day at my mother-in-law’s side while she was determined to get out of her hospital bed. She was a serious fall risk and was struggling with me as I blocked her way while calling for assistance. The dementia began to speak loud and clear in words I had never heard from her. She was kicking, shoving and doing her best to win this battle. She yelled this to me “you are the most demanding person I have ever met”. Instead of biting my tongue, I exhaustedly replied. “no, you are”.

Nurses arrived and I excused myself from the room and dissolved into tears. I tell all of you to remain calm and compassionate. There are times that it is very difficult. I knew she had always been used to getting her way. I didn’t expect the dementia to make determination her super power.

Men and women struggle. There will be days when you feel helpless and frustated. You have ridden and emotional rollercoaster that just never seems to stop. The ups and downs, the twists and turns have left you exhausted and hurting. You finally collapse into bed and tears fall. This is not the end. You must get up and go again tomorrow. The only thing I found that allowed me to keep going was to place the person I could not fix into God’s hands and then climb into those same hands so God could comfort both of us.

Each day of caregiving brings surprises through hearing words come out of a loved one’s mouth that shock you or losing your loved one who slipped out the door. Objects in your home may decide to hide in new places. A shoe may show up in the refrigerator. You are left with a choice to make. Try to correct the behavior or accept that today has brought a new adventure. Word of advice offered here. Trying to correct the new behavior is the wrong choice!

The only thing we can truly fix is our own reactions to the behaviors. If all dad will eat is ice cream, let him eat ice cream and try healthier choices later. If your wife refuses a bath, try again tomorrow. Choose your battles.

Word for Today

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

It has been one of those weeks where I tried to do things in my own wisdom and power. I so want to fix the behaviors and changes in my loved one. My heart is filled with pain while I mess things up and sit idly by. I need you to take control and give me the faith and peace to trust in you being in control.

Give me strength when I feel weak. I thank you for hloding me together when I feel as if I am faling apart.

Amen

When My Plan Doesn’t Work

While working on building projects with my husband, I learned the importance of fine tuning as we go. Measure twice and cut once. Check for levelness and squareness. Hold your breath when trimming with paint. Wear your grubby clothes. Use a drop cloth. Have a shop vac handy. Having the right tools is also vital. Hand planers, levels and safety glasses are always nearby for when we need them. The finished product is well worth the effort and time spent. You watched a plan come together and smiled at the finished product.

If only caregiving worked the same way! You can plan, carry out the plan and then find there is no fine tuning that can make life turn out as you thought it should. You cannot just sand off the edges when raw emotions erupt into anger and frustration. The breakfast you lovingly prepared because your spouse seemed to enjoy it immensely yesterday is pushed aside and they refuse to eat. You shopped for a few new shirts and your husband refuses to wear anything except the one he has worn for three days.

I found a book from my senior year of high schoool. The five year plan I set for myself was to go to college and get married. I check that one off. The ten year plan was to buy a house and have children. Check again! Then life happened fast and furious. Before I knew it the kids were off to college and our nest was empty.

We had a flurry of weddings and grandchildren. All was going according to what I had expected. Then I noticed my mom just wasn’t herself. My heart was gripped with the words Alzhiemer’s Disease. Caregiving was not in my plan for many years down the road. I couldn’t push the schedule back. Adjustments had to be made quickly. For the early years of the caregiving journey, frequent visits, prepping meals for the freezer to help dad, taking care of doctor visits, monitoring finances online and hiring help for my parents worked.

My time was being split between my parent’s home 6 hours from mine and my own home. Trips to visit grandchildren became less frequent. We made a couple of major adjustments. We moved near our grandchildren and my husband was able to work from home and travel with me. This cut my trip to 3 1/2 hours each way.

In the end, my parents were both declining. I moved them to an assisted living and nursing home close to me. Visits were then daily. My mom was in end stage with Alzheimer’s and my dad struggled with mini strokes, diabetes and incontinence.

I know that I never had to provide full 24 hour care like many of you do every day. I do know my mind was always questioning things. Did I give my husband enough time? What am I missing out on with my children and grandchildren? Did I leave food prepared and clothes washed for my husband and my parents? How many more hours do I have to fight traffic? When is the next doctor’s appointment? It felt like I was on one of those round spinning wheels we used to play on as a child. I had run around and around and then hopped on to ride. Grasping tightly to the metal bar, I held on so I wouldn’t fall off.

In the midst of my trying to plan for whatever happened, I came to realize I could not plan for all of the twist and turns ahead. I had to trust God with the plan. I had to let Him fine tune and adjust me for things to work. He then held me tightly so the ride of life would not throw me off.

Some of you have feelings of guilt and inadequacies. Recently I read another blog for caregivers. A caregiver felt like a failure. When asked why, her response will make you smile. She failed to give her husband a daily bath. Wow! I consider one every third day a success. You make great plans, but life as a caergiver shows you they don’t always work. Continue to plan but have several backup plans as well. Trust God to guide you and hold you tight.

Word for Today

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I humble myself and ask for you to move the mountains that I cannot move. I will rest in your arms and let you hold me close while I witness your work in my situations.

Amen