What if This Happens To Me?

I think every person who has a parent with Alzheimer’s has a nagging question that pops into our thoughts from time to time. The time it seems to hit me the most is when I can’t remember a person’s name. My mind then keeps dwelling on remembering that name. It does come to mind later and I feel relief. No, I am not getting Alzheimer’s disease. Go away negative thoughts. I am doing alright.

Let us face the question together. What if this happens to me? It is not something to be ashamed of. I know that is true; however, I like to be in control of my thoughts and behaviors. Should I lose that ability, I know it will be frustrating and scary. I have always been a little independent. None of us want to have someone else bathing us, toileting us and feeding us.

I have talked with my husband about this. He wants to believe that this would never happen to either of us. We have seen enough to know it could. We have agreed to be open and honest with each other if we ever see signs of cognitive decline. We want to plan together and live as normal of a life as we can for as long as we can. We pray that God guides us through His plan for our life.

I have pondered getting tested before I even notice issues. I have listened to stories about the new medical infusions that can delay the progress of Alzheimer’s if caught early enough. Personally, I am coming to a point of thinking that I know it could happen and should be prepared, but I don’t want to find out it is coming and drag that ball and chain around for years before it arrives.

I intend to watch the results of the new medications, Leqembi and Kisunla. They are so new that I need to know how the person is effected. That would be a hard choice for me to make at this point. It is not a cure. It simply can delay the progress of the disease.

My grandmother developed Alzheimer’s later in life. My mom was diagnosed in her late 60’s. This does not mean I will or will not get Alzheimer’s. Neither of my relatives had early-onset Alzheimer’s. I am sharing some information from Mayo Clinic to explain.

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What is young-onset Alzheimer’s?

Young-onset Alzheimer’s disease is an uncommon form of dementia that affects people younger than age 65. The condition also is called early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. Most people with Alzheimer’s are age 65 and older. About 1 in 9 people age 65 and older in the United States has Alzheimer’s disease. About 110 of every 100,000 adults between ages 30 and 64 have young-onset Alzheimer’s.

Family history of disease

For most people with young-onset Alzheimer’s, the cause is not related to any single gene. Researchers don’t fully know why some people get the disease at a younger age than others do.

Risk factors for young-onset Alzheimer’s disease include a family history of the condition. Having a parent or grandparent with young-onset Alzheimer’s increases the risk of developing the disease. But a family history of the disease doesn’t mean you will necessarily develop the disease.

Genes that cause young-onset Alzheimer’s

Less commonly, young-onset Alzheimer’s is caused by a specific error in a gene, called a genetic mutation. Genetic mutations can be passed from parent to child.

Three different genes may have a mutation that causes young-onset Alzheimer’s disease. These genes are APP, PSEN1 or PSEN2. A person who inherits at least one copy of a mutated gene will likely develop Alzheimer’s disease before age 65.

About 11% of people with young-onset Alzheimer’s carry a genetic mutation that causes disease. But among all people with Alzheimer’s disease, fewer than 1% carry one of these causal genes.

Genetic testing for these mutations is available. If you have a family history of young-onset Alzheimer’s, you may want to do genetic testing.

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All of this information will not make the nagging question that invades our thoughts go away. The more information we have will help us make wiser decisions.

While you continue to provide care to others, focus on doing just that and not worying about your future. It is a hard thing to do. Almost every event I speak at or support group discussion I lead has someone who asks, “Does this mean I will get Alzheimer’s too?”. It is a difficult question.

For today, I choose to hope and pray that my mind will remain strong. If you notice my writing is poor, please comment. I may have just stayed up too late writing or had too much coffee.

You are not alone as a caregiver. You are not the only one asking themselves (THAT) question. There are huge numbers of people on this same journey. I encourage you to find other blogs, listen to podcasts and read. Snipplets of information gathered along the way add to your knowledge and toolkit for caregiving.

Have a blessed day and stop worrying.

Word for Today

Matthew 6:25-34

Do Not Worry

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Only you know my future and I trust you with that. When I allow tormenting questions to flood my mind, help me to continue to trust.

Amen

Thrive With Beauty and Grace

“In the grand tapestry of life, caregivers are the unsung heroes, often weaving the threads of compassion, dedication, and resilience to support our loved ones”. (unknown source).

The time and energy to do this weaving is exhausting. From the back side of the tapestry you may just see frayed and tattered ends. “No beauty can be made by this mess”, “ this is near impossible” and other thoughts fill your mind. Despair can rob you of hope if you dwell on these thoughts.

I want caregivers to be like a thriving plant. To thrive you have to pick the weeds out of the flowerbed. Weeds can be those negative thoughts. Weeds can creep in through judgment and criticism from family members who are not actually in your day to day life. These family members remind me of stinging nettle.

Stinging nettle is a nutrient-rich herb with a wide range of medicinal and health benefits, including anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, and antihistamine properties. You family members and friends have their good qualities just like this plant has its good side. There is a bad side when dealing with this plant. Stinging nettle is known for its stinging hairs that can cause temporary burning, itching and redness upon contact with the skin.

I know stinging nettle it is not a weed so I can leave it in the flowerbed, but I have to handle it with gloves on my hands. When people are difficult we can’t simply pluck them up and toss them aside. We cannot become angry and bitter when they show up. God’s grace teaches us how to navigate their presence.

Hope can only fill our hearts from a trust in God. Encouragement from friends can make the task look less difficult. Music can sooth our hearts and usher in peace. Prayer can allow you to unload your load at the feet of Jesus.

You did not ask to be a caregiver. I did make a promise in my wedding vows that I would be with my husband in sickness and health, for better or for worse until one of us passes away. I also took God’s word to heart and honored my mother and father. When God tapped me on the shoulder to take care of my parents, I guess he was reminding me that I owed that to them. That was His ask and I said yes.

God equipped me because He was weaving a tapestry of beauty. He was providing compassion, dedication, and resilienece to me and enabling me to complete the task. Others around me were watching the whole process. They often saw the ugly mess on the backside. Then one day God turned it around and allowed them to see the beauty of the finished product.

You can trust God to teach you to thrive during the process of becoming beautiful. My caregivers in the local support group are some of the most beautiful people I know. Their stories are heartbreaking. They come from many backgrounds and enter caregiving with fears and doubts. They feel ill-equipped. As they continue to adapt, change, make adjustments and trust God, they gain confidence.

It is time to shake the wrinkles out of your superhero cape and wear it with confidence. It is a badge of courage, not a symbol of shame. Rest in the assurance that God loves you and the one you are caring for way more than you realize. You are the one God chose to wear this cape.

Word for Today

Isaiah

and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

You are so wonderful in leading my steps. I praise you for the grace you show in taking my ashes and giving me beauty. I have answered the call to be a caregiver. I know it is not easy and that I will make mistakes. When I mess up, please help me learn. Day by day and sometimes moment by moment I will need you help. Take me and my messes and make something beautiful.

Protect me when well meaning people offer advise and even criticism. Show me how to handle them while keeping my own heart tender and free from resentment and bitterness.

Amen

Our Good Shepherd

A week ago we came home from church, had lunch, changed clothes and went to check on our sheep. We use rotational grazing to keep the sheep on good grass. Usually, my husband opens an area and calls “sheep, sheep , here sheep”. They hear and know his voice. They run into the new paddock. This day two new mama sheep did not come running with their new babies. They are quite cautious and protective. He scooped up the nearest baby and placed her in my arms. I walked to the new paddock full of joy. Her mama followed me. The little one was tiny and damp. I looked across the flock and counted. At that moment I realized she had just been born. I quickly gave her over to her mama even if I so wanted to keep holding her.

In those few moments of holding her I had tears because she was beautiful. I felt honored to hold her safely until her mama caught up to us. Hours later I found myself pondering how often God has held me tenderly in his arms. How many times has God as my shepherd called out to me expecting me to know his voice. I have learned that when a mama calls out, their lamb sometimes is so busy playing that they ignore her call until they get hungry. Sometimes God calls out to us and we are too busy to run to him until we have urgents needs.

Caregivers are very busy. Sometimes we may not slow down and listen to God’s voice. When we do he protects us, comforts us and gives us directions on how to be the best caregivers. He was to hold us close when we are exhausted, lonely, overwhelmed and running on empty. Our many needs are urgent. Don’t put off running to God daily.

I tended to have day long coversations with God. A little bit here and a little bit there. He understood the schedule and was always waiting when I needed to talk.

Psalms 23 states the following

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
    he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever

My personal experience showed me that there were times that no one else understood the demands of caregiving. Friends and family tried, but only God could see into my heart and know what I needed most. You may find yourself fearing that family and friends are tired of your stories and see you as a complainer. They slowly drift away leaving you crying and alone.

Even Jesus after coming to earth as a human, found himself alone. He asked friends to go with him to the garden to pray. They did not comprehend the heavy load he carried and fell asleep. He chose to forgive them and didn’t get upset. He simply prayed.

We have to forgive people and not harbor bitterness in our hearts when they fail to understand the load we carry.

Jesus felt pain. Jesus wept. Jesus died for our sins. He intercedes for you at the right hand of his father (God). He pleads your case because he understands your pain.

Listen to God’s voice and you will be comforted.

Run to God and be held as your tears flow.

Some people say that Jesus and Christianty are just a crutch. It is the best crutch I have ever found. God allowed me to hear his voice at a very young age. I look back over my life and see the times He was there over and over again. He has held me close when I needed him to and has been a light through dark times.

My walk has not been perfect. I have held to the verse below and will continue to until my last breath.

Word for Today

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come to you today knowing you are my good shepherd. Time and time you have met my needs, ordered my steps and given me hope. I praise you for all of this. I ask that you help me to stop and seek you when the world is spinning so fast. Calm my fears and give me strength. When the pain and fear overwhelm me, wrap me in your loving arms and give me the faith to trust you.

Amen

At Journey’s End…New Beginnings Happen

The word journey is scattered abundantly in this blog. There is a reason. One can define journey as a process or course likened to traveling, such as a series of trying experiences; a passage. When you become a caregiver of someone with dementia such as Alzheimer’s disease, you take their hand and enter a passage until their journey is completed and you are left alone after saying goodby.

This happened for a lifelong friend this week. Most of the caregiving for her mom feel on her shoulders. She called me a week ago and mentioned that the words “she is not actively dying yet” had been spoken by hospice workers and she wanted to know what that meant. I told her and explained the changes to watch for. We could share openly because she and my own mom had been long time friends.

I went on Monday to say goodbye to her mom amd to hug her. On Thursday her mom completed her journey. I attending the funeral and watched my friend and her siblings as they were processing their emotions. All of them will miss her immensely just as I miss my mom. They will find themselves adjusting to a new schedule, one not centered on caregiving.

The longer you walk the journey with someone effects how long it takes to adjusting to your new life. You may now be a widow, orphan or only child. The role you have played in other poeple’s lives changes to a new role. You may have laid aside jobs, hobbies, social events, visits with friends and so much more during the caregiving years. Your life slowly shut down around you. Stepping back into a new life takes time. Overwhelming emotions surface.

Don’t rush into change quickly. Relax. Grief. Just breathe.

Take time to rest. Evaluate your talents, giftings, strengths and discover what makes you feel fulfilled.

I have decided to let you in on what I have been up to in my post caregiver life. We have lambing season going on. These little ones arrived on the last cold blast we had. Their little jackets are sleeves from an old fleece hoodie. Now that is warmer our newest two additions don’t need them anymore. We finally caught them to take the jackets off. We now have 8 baby lambs and are waiting on the last to be born.

The idea of raising sheep was no where on my radar for post caregiving life. We have pastored a church, so shepherding this flock should not be too difficult. We drive out to the pasture early each morning to see if there are any new babies. We go out again in the late afternoon to watch lamb races. They skip and run as we laugh. Then we usually stay to watch the sunset.

Gardens are being planted. Blueberry plants have buds. Chickens are laying plenty of eggs. We are blessed. Country living is not a bad life at all.

I pray that each of you find a place of peace and contentment when your journey concludes as a caregiver.

God still has wonderful plans for you.

Word for Today

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

God,

Thank you for being patient with me as I process emotions and wait on you to heal my heart. Give me hope that you do have plans for my future. Help me to find pleasure in the little things. Help me trust your plan.

Amen

The Big Thing

A child is often asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. They are then encouraged to chase their dreams. Is what they do for an occupation as important as who they become as a person?

Be patient with me and you will understand how this pertains to caregivers. For far too long I have watched young people spend so much time waiting for God to give them something big to do that they miss the very things in front of their faces that God has for them to do. Some of these people continue to go through life for years chasing a big “dream” that never manifest itself.

History has shown us that God sometimes has a path for us to follow to prepare us for the “big” thing we are to do. David honed his skills while tending sheep, only to be summoned to be anointed as a king. A couple of fishermen stepped out of the boat to become disciples. Ruth was gleaming wheat when she married and bore a son who was in the linage of Christ. Sometimes God wants us to simply live a life that brings glory to Him. When this is our focus, He will show us what is big to him and how you are to do it.

In Matthew 25:40 we are told:
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” When you become a caregiver what counts is who you are. Are you a person who can humbly show compassion, love, dedication, patience and emotional strength each and every day? I sure hope so because this is the “BIG” thing God placed in front of you to do.

When speaking at a symposium a few years ago, I looked into the eyes of caregivers and told them that if they didn’t feel a need for God in their lives, they would due to the trials of being a caregiver. I still feel this is so very true. God provides strength, courage and insight when they are needed. He has even ordered your steps to prepare you for this “big” thing.

I never imagined that I would one day be a caregiver for my parents. When those days arrived though, I could look back and see how God had placed me into positions that had prepared me. He has done the same for you. This time will allow you to stretch and grow into a better person. What matters is not what you did in the past, but who you are because of it.

Dig deep into your heart and ask God to show you how to carry out your tasks day by day. The little things done over and over have prepared you well. When things are difficult reflect back on how God guided you through the little things and move forward knowing he will be with you each and every day now just as he was then.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
Maya Angelou

You are being transformed into a beautiful caregiver. This is you “BIG” thing. Most likely you never dreamed of this as a child, but here you are. You can do this!

Word for Today

1 Peter 3:3-4

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Hello God,

I think I finally understand the your big thing for my life was a surprise. Here I am being asked to be a caregiver. This makes me realize that it is not a burden. It is an honor. Give me the ability to carry this task out with beauty and grace. Let me do this to bring you glory.

Amen

Sometimes a Simple Little Thing Impacts You the Most

Any fan of The Princess Bride knows that a kind grandfather comes over to read to a sick grandson. That simple little thing turns into a beautiful day full of fun and adventure for both of them.

Last week my hubby and I woke up sniffling, sneezing, aching and miserable. It has been many years since either of us have had the flu. He mentioned this fact to our friends who lives next door. They apparently went right to work on a lovely pot of homemade chicken soup.

That pot of steaming hot chicken soup arrived on our porch a few hours later. This nourished our souls as much as our bodies.

There have been many times over the last 18 years that someone has done what they considered a simple small thing that made a huge impact on our lives. They took time to hear God’s voice letting them know that we were lonely, weary, exhausted, hurting and in need of a little reminder that others loved us.

I often went to my mailbox to discover a card or book from a friend. One day a little box arrived. It was a bottle of Calgon bath wash with a note saying “I can’t be there with you to take the hurt away. Take a bath, relax and know I wish I could be there to take you away”. The blessings came in many other forms as well. God fed my stomach and heart with family members bringing a meal when I had been sitting in a hospital room for days with a parent.

On other days it might be an unexpected visit to pray for me and hug me. A friend drove 5 hours to attend my mom’s funeral when they had just undergone a major surgery. Another friend drove 3 hours to just hold us as my mom was passing. The list of things that happened is way too long to share it all.

Many wonderful family members, friends and even strangers had a huge impact on my life. All of these simple acts of love reminded me of my parents that I was taking care of. They were perfect examples of being a blessing to others. Most of their little things they did were never seen except by the recepiants. They gave and acted with sincere hearts of love.

I hope that God places people in your lives with generous hearts full of love. Actually there are vast numbers of people who make sacrifices for others. They see themselves as doing simple little things to help a caregiver. That one little thing is so much more than you know. That caregiver may be at what feels like the end of their rope.

What caregiver do you know that needs a little kindness?

Here are some ideas for you to consider:

Take flowers
Make them a meal
Offer to run errands
Offer to clean
Provide respite care while they nap or take a walk
Send a card or small gift
Bring cookies, ice cream or their favorite dessert
Call and ask if you can bring a grandbaby by
Offer a hug
Surprise them with a visit to a spa
Plant flowers for their porch
Mow the lawn or shovel snow
Be creative!

I heard ” I am praying for you” all of the time. I believed they were and appreciated it. The ones who added feet to those prayers blessed me unbelievablely.

Word for Today

Colossians 3:12

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Today I thank you for every act of kindness you have shown me.

Amen

The Heart of a Caregiver

Resilience

the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness
the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity:

Caregivers are some of the most resilient people I know. They have their hearts stretched each day as they adapt to that day’s demands. It requires loving deeply with little return of that love. The caregivers memories remain intact and those memories allow them to move forward. I see this when talking with spousal caregivers. When their own hearts are broken and filled with loneliness, they move on clinging to the days when their spouse would wrap their arms around them when life got tough. Now they must carry the load of tough days without that comfort.

God is the comfort they rely on. Others, including children, are struggling with their own emotions and the loss of the mom or dad they once knew and cannot be sources of comfort. Faith in God’s provision is what becomes their rock and shelter. God offers the strength to be resilient and bounce back from the pain.

Sometimes I am amazed at how strong caregivers become on the journey. They learn to become experts at communication skills when their old way of communicating is no longer possible. They slow down and read facial expressions, changes in behavior, and slow their lifestyle down to match their loved ones pace. A huge amount of self sacrifice occurs.

The sacrifices make us a better person. God hears our cries. I know that God purged things in my life as I focused on my parents needs rather than my own. I learned to distinguish wants from needs. God whittled away the selfish desires and humbled me. If I had any hurts from my past, I had to allow God to heal those so I could forgive and love more deeply.

If you could see my heart, you would see the broken pieces that God has knit back together. Just as my body bears stretch marks from having children, my heart bears stretch marks from God enlarging it and giving me a greater capacity to love. Perhaps your heart is broken today and you need the ability to love more deeply. God is waiting for you to run into his arms so that he can heal and comfort you.

This is my story and God is writing it. I hope that you can find peace and healing so you can be resilient as a caregiver. You will be challenged. You will become exhausted. You will be pulled in many directions. Emotions will spill over. Waves of fear, uncertainty, frustration and anger may wash over you. Through it all you find moments of unexpected joy and blessings. All of this is normal. You can navigate and come out stronger if you let God write your story.

You leaning into love that you didn’t know you had.

“Whenever you share love with others, you’ll notice the peace that comes to you and to them.”

Mother Teresa

Word for Today

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for always being my strength. Some days I feel afraid and at a loss of how to be a caregiver. I feel ill equipped. My tears blind me and I fall on my knees.

You love me. You catch my tears and comfort me. I know I can only do this with your help. Please help me today.

Amen

It has been 10 years

Today I dedicate this post to my beautiful mom.

Dear Momma,

If you could see my heart, you would see little stitches sewn by God as he heals the gaping hole you left when you passed ten years ago. Every ounce of me wanted to take the horrible disease called Alzheimer’s from you. I coudn’t, so I decided to learn everything I could about how to help you and make you feel loved and cared for.

Little things remind me of you all the time. When I received red roses for my anniversary this month, I remembered how much you enjoyed them when Dad bought them for you. When I savor grapes, I remember how much you loved them. Wearing pieces of your jewelry makes me feel joy. An unfinished jigsaw puzzle sits on my dining room table. Actually, it is your dining room table we used to sit at together.

Don’t feel bad about me taking care of you. Those years are treasures for me. I saw little glimpses of all that you are. The inhibitions disappeared and I saw a fun woman giggling and humming. It was a side of you that you had hidden away to be a responsible and mature adult.

I watched a woman who was secretly called the sugar police by her sisters devour cookies, ice cream and desserts. It felt freeing to see you were more normal than we had thought.

I learned to love my family deeply from you. I learned to make sacrifices for others from you. I learned to clean from you, but it didn’t make me a total neat freak like you were.

You took phone calls at home from confused older customers at the bank. You gave children a ride to church. You rocked babies in the church nursery. You shared food from your garden. You would go to the nursing home to feed my grandfather when he wouldn’t eat for anyone else. You drove through the night to be there for my toddler while I was in the hospital with her baby brother. You even picked cotton by hand to buy fabric for my new clothes when I started to school. The wonderful memories of you are flooding over me now.

Your family has grown a bit since you were here. With my brother having six children, we have had a few weddings and a few more babies. Liz wore your ring at her wedding. She asked for a photo of you and dad to display. I chose a photo without noticing that you had that very ring on. We both teared up when we realized it. You have two amazing great-grandsons now. What a reunion we will have one day!

It was an incredible honor to walk on one side and have dad on the other as we walked you toward your final home. You and dad made me a better person. I love you so deeply and am looking forward to joining you in heaven when my life here is over. Give dad a hug and ask him to give you one for me.

Love,

Your daughter

My letter was how I chose to journal today. Journaling is one of the many ways I learned to cope. Realizing that being in the moment with my mom where she was in her mind at the time made taking care of her much easier. The years spent taking care of her long distance and in her home were difficult. Many lessons were learned about God’s incredible grace and strength. Moving mom to skilled care was heartwrenching, but dad visited daily and I did once she moved closer to me during her final days.

I cannot count the tears that rolling down my cheeks as a caregiver. I shed tears writing this post. Comfort was always found in knowing that God saw those tears. When Jesus came to his friend Lazarus’s tomb, he wept. If Jesus wept, then it is perfectly fine for us to weep as well.

You will find your own ways to cope. You will grow and stretch. In the end, you will be stronger than you ever thought possible. Keep giving it your best my friends!

Word for Today

honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.

Matthew 19:19

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I praise you for the time I had on earth with my wonderful mom. Thank you for walking with me each step of the way. You held me when I was broken. You comforted me when I was scared. You gave me strength to do things I never knew I was capable of doing.

I ask today that you do the same for anyone reading this. Pour unexpected blessings into their life. Send friends to share the load they carry. Give them peace at night to rest.

Amen

Hiding the Stress and Pain

Some of us carry pain and stress inside. Others see a smiling face and admire our strength, especially those in our church. They know our trust and strength are in God alone. We do have peace, but even those who have faith and strength hurt.

Yesterday I saw a woman hugging and smiling as she entered the sanctuary. When I asked how she was, I saw a tiny hole in the “everything is ok” mask. A few questions coming from a fellow caregiver opened that hole and I saw weariness, tiredness and pain.

God began to remind me of the many times someone had not only prayed for me but actually put their arms around me and gave me a safe place to let the raw emotions escape as tears. I approached her and did just that. She sobbed as I prayed.

I know her faith in God is solid. I know she has a beautiful heart and spirit. I walked in her shoes not too long ago. I walked by faith as she does. I tried not to complain and assured others I was ok. That is all very true for me and my friend. We can be strong Christians and still feel things intensely. We feel guilty for not being all we can be to our family when caregiving takes so much of our time. We need to rest and have little time for it.

Do yourself a favor and confide to a close friend that you need prayer and to just be held for a few minutes.

“When you receive or give a (consensual!) hug, your brain releases a flood of mood-boosting neurotransmitters and hormones, including endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin”. neuroscientist Dave Rabin, MD, PhD.

Isolation and loneliness are common when you are a caregiver. That hug may be just what you need!

Men need hugs as much as women. We all hurt and need comfort at times.

Caregivers get caregivers. We all face similar problems. Some see this as expressing their love. Some see this as a burden. Some feel stuck with the job that no one else wants to do. We all have our reasons for being a caregiver. We all understand the heaviness of our job. That commonality allows us to share our stories and encourage each other.

As supportive as my husband was, he didn’t truly get the load I had been carrying until he was providing care for his own parents. I had to show grace and not hold it against family who had not walked in my shoes yet.

Friends of caregivers don’t wait until others ask for a safe place to talk and really be heard. Watch for signs of weariness or anger and offer to listen or give them a break. Helping provide care will open your eyes to how much is involved day by day in your caregiving friend’s life.

Caregivers don’t attempt to bottle up your emotions. Find a trusted friend, family member or support group where you are heard and understood. Take that mask off and shed a tear or laugh. God is the place we lay our burdens down. Friends can help us do this. Go find a place to shout if you need to. I have been known to do this in my car traveling home after caregiving.

Word for Today

Matthew 11: 28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Song for Today ( My husband sent me this link when I had just left my mom’s side. I had to pull over and cry. Little did I know my mom would be in heaven less than 2 weeks later. 2 days from now will be 10 years since I said goodbye. Miss her all the time.)

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Forgive me for the times I try to do this job of caregiving all by myself. I thank you for sending Jesus to assist me when I am weary and burdened. I thank you for people in my life that came by my side to encourage me.

Open my eyes to other caregivers that need someone to hug them and pray for them.

Amen

How Do Couples Cope With Dementia?

As a couple, my husband and I can communicate with each other with a certain look or touch. We have honed these skills during our 45 years of marriage. Just snuggling together or holding hands doesn’t always require words. When we first began dating we were with a group sitting around a campfire. He snuggled close and put his arm around me. Instantly, I felt at home. This was just the very beginning of moments, days, months and now years that wrapping an arm around me and holding me close have been home.

Should either of us ever develop dementia and roam around repeating, “I just want to go home” what will we really mean. I know most people just want to go back to what feels safe and familiar. Maybe our home will continue to be snuggling together where it has been safe and familiar our entire adult life.

Daily I praise God for allowing both of us to still have strong minds. Muscle strength has weakened, hairs have grayed and we search for our reading glasses to prevent eyestrain. We may not be able to recall someone’s name, but then it comes to us so normal aging is happening.

This afternoon as I write my hubby is strumming his guitar and writing a new song. Our hobbies keep our minds active. We love being outdoors with the dogs, chickens, bees and sheep. We are building a firepit area to entertain friends.

Our hope is that living in the moment intentionally and trusting God with our future will mean we never have to face dementia. We know that God will continue to be faithful. He has seen us through deep dark valleys and allowed us to rejoice from the highest of mountain tops. Should dementia come, we are assured that God will never forsake us.

Some of you have had to face dementia in a spouse. I hear your stories in our support group. I pray for you to still find moments each day where you and your loved one can still connect. Maybe a favorite song will draw you close. Perhaps a drive to one of your favorite spots will bring peace. Take every opportunity to have physical contact. This can be holding hands, hugging, or giving a gentle massage.

During the upcoming Christmas season play carols, eat Christmas cookies, drive around and look at the lights. Rediscover the simple joys. Large gatherings should be avoided but quiet visits with a few people at a time can still bring happiness.

Never quit saying “I love you”.

Most people my age made vows to love and cherish their spouse in sickness and in health until death. As a young couple we make that promise. Life happens and those promises are not so easy to keep. We make a choice to keep that promise and discover God has to give us the courage and strength to walk it out. The greatest honor you can have is to be the one who stands by that promise.

God sees your loneliness and struggles. He sees the tears shed when no one else is looking. Trust him to walk beside you in sickness and in health.

Word for Today

John 13:34

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

May I always find my home is being with you. When my spouse doesn’t remember my name please let them know my love. Show me how to express my love ina way that they can feel. Help me to keep the promise I made on our wedding day.

Amen