My best friend taught me something years ago. It is important when I am uptight about things to stop and ask myself, “Five years from now will this matter?”. That simple question helps me to put things into perspective. Rocking a grandchild to sleep and then holding them even after they are asleep really is more important than putting them down and washing the laundry. Grandchildren grow too big to do this in five years. There will be laundry to do always.

Devoting yourself to being the best caregiver possible will matter five years from now. Whether the one you care for is still here in five years or if you are no longer in the situation, you will be a very different person. You will be able to look back and cherish the good moments shared. You will be able to move on as a stronger person. You will be able to go to sleep at night knowing you gave your best and not toss and turn struggling with regrets.

There will be long days that leave you battle scarred. It will not always be easy. The tough days provide you opportunities to develop patience, offer forgiveness, walk by faith and express love at a greater capacity than you thought possible.

There will never be an awards show to recognize your outstanding devotion and service. There is not a salary high enough to compensate you for the long hours. Most of your sacrifice will only be seen by the one you care for. I believe deep in my heart that even those who had bad relationships in the past can still find love is given and received between the caregiver and the one that are caring for. The hidden gems may be found in a hand squeeze, a smile or even peaceful silence. If you look hard enough you will find them.

Taking time to reflect will reassure you that the choices you are making now do matter and will still matter in five years. Fashions change, music styles change, social agenda changes and technology changes. Live in the moment with the person you can for. They are changing each day. You can never get them back but you can always catch up to the other things changing around you.

Always remember when asking the question above, that each choice we make matters to God who never changes. In looking for a song to feature today, I took a trip to my days of serving in youth ministry. It reminds me that when we serve as caregivers we are God’s hands and feet. We serve Him when we make the choices to love no matter what the cost.

Word for Today

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. I Peter 4:10

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Our Loving Heavenly Father,

I come to you knowing you see every day. You see the times I get it right and when I really mess up. My desire is to be the best caregiver I can be. Forgive me as I get angry and help me forgive when my loved one gets angry with me. Be patient with me even when I lose my patience. The only way I can do this is with your help.

I choose to love and serve with these hands and this heart you have given me. I choose to serve as if I am serving you. Any accolades I receive, help me to lay them at your feet so You alone receive the glory.

Amen

Through the years I have observed a beautiful setting where paths have crossed that filled me with joy and terrible heartache at the same time. My children and nephew enjoyed the moments when their great grandmother was playful and giggling. My first observation of this was when I walked in to find my son trying to make the bed while she was throwing the sheets in the air and laughing. He had a puzzled look but laughed with her. As time passed they matured and loved visiting her. They were growing up and understood that she had Alzheimer’s disease so they made adjustments such as eating ice cream twice when she forgot they had eaten a bowl of ice cream. Her favorite card game was rook. They patiently played and allowed her to win when she forgot the color of the trump suit and changed it to whatever she played each hand.

Some days I would drive from my daughter’s home where I had just cut up food for a little one to my parents home where I cut up my mother’s food for her. While one was potty training the other was beginning to wear depends. The paths crossed as one grew up and the other faded away. The heaviness of seeing my mom like this was lifted by the joy of the little ones around me.

Every caregiver watches this crossing of paths. A child becomes the one protecting and nurturing the parent. As a spouse, you will get tiny glimpses into what your husband or wife was like as a child. For most of my adult life I always knew that just talking to my dad on the phone made things seem better, even if I never told him what difficulties I might be facing. Just hearing his voice gave me comfort and strength. The last years that Dad was with me, I faced a complete reversal of this. I was his comfort and strength. He depended on me always answering the phone when he called. My cell phone had a specific ringtone assigned to him. I almost always took his call because I knew he would have taken mine in the past.

When the paths cross embrace the love and memories. Look for the best. Take the one you love by the hand and assure them you will walk the path with them to the best of your abilities. You will guide them when they are confused. You will be a light when the path gets dark. You will hold them up when they stumble.

In order to lead you must be strong. The role of caregiving can drain your strength. There is a source of refilling and renewing. It was provided by a loving heavenly Father. He sees every struggle. He feels every heartache. He collects your tears. He loves you enough to send Jesus, his only son, to die for you. He intercedes on your behalf. Allow this to be your strength.

Word for Today

Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. Psalm 119:105

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Sometimes the path twists and turns leaving me uncertain of where it is going. I am responsible for helping someone else along this path as well. Give me confidence in you when I feel overwhelmed. Give me peace when changes occur. Allow me to experience your peace and presence and then help me connect with the one I care for in a way that offers them the same peace. I have the ability to trust you and I know their soul can still feel you as well.

As we link arms on this path be our light to guide us. For this we give you praise.

Amen

Do you see a beautiful happy little person or a mess to clean up? So many times we are busy and only see the mess.

As a caregiver it is so vital that we see the person in front of us rather than the disease that they have. This helps us to look for the beauty that remains. When we become exhausted and frustrated this can be a challenge. Walk away when you need to and remind yourself that the person you once knew is still the same person. They just struggle allowing that person to shine through as they once did.

Today I would like to suggest some ideas to help them express their real self and perhaps recapture things they once loved. It may take some trial and effort but the reward of seeing joy and smiles on their faces is so worth the effort.

Think about what they were passionate about when they could express themselves. If they enjoyed fishing, hang the gone fishing sign and get outdoors if they are able to go. If they are not able, sit down and watch a fishing show or something on you tube about fishing. When they respond, hit the pause button and let them talk about their own fishing experiences. If they were an avid knitter, visit the store and look at yarns. Purchase some and let them just hold it if they can no longer knit.

My dad was an avid Alabama football fan. When I had to relocate him to another state to an assisted living near me I purchased a large Alabama wreath for his door. It provided a talking point for aides and other residents to interact with him about. I even put up a Christmas tree the first game of the season. Each time they won a game he got a new Bama related ornament. This resulted in banter with the employees and residents every week during football season. Of course we watched every game with him bringing his favorite meal and snacks to enjoy.

It my take a little thinking outside of the box to make adjustments, but it is very possible to find ways for them to still enjoy the things they have always enjoyed. Just slow down and let them experience and process at their own pace. Be in the moment with them as a person. Do not let the change in how they process rob them of experiences.

Seeing the person first and the disease second can be difficult. They may look like the child covered in paint when you get through with an art project, a baking session, or gardening adventure. Don’t see the mess. See the contentment on their faces.

It helps when you can access the time of their life that they seem to be living in. In the end stage of Alzheimer’s disease you may have to really dig. My own mother responded positively to the voices of children. Her great grandchildren learned songs from her early years and would sit on her bed and sing to her. This usually resulted in laughter from all of them. She would join in with the few words she could get out and then laugh with them.

Look for the things that brighten the day for both of you. Enjoy them as the person you know and love. Make the most of the beauty and overlook the mess.

When you can’t see past the disease, God will give you wisdom on how to. He gave me ideas when my own creativity was drained. He will be faithful to do the same for you.

Word for Today

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Heavenly Father,

We come to you today desiring to see the person we care for like you do. Every struggle we have along the way matters to you. You love us enough to guide us along the way. We ask that you open our eyes to truly see beyond this terrible disease and see the person with a heart of love. Show us how to remain connected.

Give us patience and kindness when we grow frustrated. Give us peace when confusion blocks our ability to communicate. Grant our desires to give and receive love each and every day.

Amen

The adventures of my life have allowed me to explore forests, trees, streams and coral reefs. Ah, but mountains are a different story. I have observed their beauty from land and air. Climbing one presents challenges. Several years ago we drove to Mount Rainier with the intentions of hiking. Soon we noticed that to do this we would need snow shoes even in the summer. We definitely were not prepared with warm jackets, hats, gloves or scarfs: hence, we observed from the base and threw snowballs. I could walk away disappointed but decided to be grateful for the beauty I took in.

There have been mountains in my life that didn’t seem to hold any beauty. All I could see was how they were blocking my path and presenting challenges I didn’t know how to handle. I prayed for them to be removed, but God didn’t seem to be listening. Climbing the jagged edges pierced my body and spirit. Battered and bruised I nursed my wounds and cried out “Why God?”.

With flagging faith I pressed forward holding on to God’s word and promises. Some of the words that kept me going were found in the Bible.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Deuteronomy 31:8

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:12

God opened doors that needed to be opened. God made straight paths when I needed them. God strengthened me when I was afraid. He gave me comfort. He gave me peace. He gave me hope.

For now, the mountain of having a parent with Alzheimer’s and caring for them has been climbed and conquered. God chose to heal by allowing my mom to come to her final home where the pain and suffered are over. I can praise God with a joyful heart for that.

There are other mountains I still face. God is leading me with hope as I face them. He alone knows what the future holds. I know I can trust him. He loved me enough to send His son, Jesus, to tear the veil separating me from God. This relationship with God has seen me through many trials. I have been able to walk away stronger and fuller of faith with the cuts and bruises healed.

I share this glimpse into my life because this is my story. People can accuse God of being a crutch. I shout for joy that I have such a powerful crutch to lean on.

Caregivers need all of the help they can get. No person can feel your concerns, worries, fears, and pain. Friends try. Counselors try. God created you. He gave you the ability to have emotions so He alone gets it. I encourage you to turn to the greatest source of help you will ever find.

If you disagree with my faith, that is alright too. I know that God gave each of us choices. I ask that you simply respect my choices and hope that other things I offer here will be helpful to you.

Every post is written with love and concern for those who have answered the call to be a caregiver. Some stepped up willingly while others had no choice. Either way, you are a caregiver. You have joined an army across the world who are working just as hard as you. Any time we can encourage each other we need to.

Word for Today

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. I Corinthians 1:18

Song for Today

( This testimony and song remind us that sometimes we don’t have to understand what God is doing. I can relate. You may see me as someone who has it all together. I do not. I simply walk by faith.)

Prayer for Today,

Dear God,

I am facing mountains in my life. Sometimes it is hard to believe. Give me more faith when mine is small. Help me to accept the mountain knowing that you have a plan. Hold my hand as I climb it and teach me as I climb.

Amen.

If you are someone who has just learned that a close family member or friend has Alzheimer’s disease you may be overwhelmed. You are suffering the gradual loss of a loved one as well as giving up the dreams you had for the rest of your life together. This is painful and unpleasant. You may find yourself retreating as your minds races and your emotions swirl around you. You may begin to experience grief but feel you must hide it. That presents a fine balancing act of taking care of your loved one and taking care of yourself. This is all normal.

You have entered into grief. Many in the field of mental health state there are stages of grief. Everyone does not go through all of the stages or in any particular order. I found myself cycling and bouncing around.

The 5 stages most list are :

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression
• acceptance

In stage one we don’t want to believe the diagnosis. We pull away and isolate ourselves to process the thoughts. Take your time. You will need a support network. Before you start building it though, realize that they will not understand that you don’t even know what help you will need yet. At first, you will just need their prayers and arms to hold you as you cry.

An earthquake has just rattled your world. Aftershocks will occur in the coming days so don’t be surprised. The shocks will soon be felt by your family, neighbors and friends. I held on tightly to my faith and God helped me work through the hardest days. He will do the same for you. As time passes you will discover you are stronger than you ever thought you could be.

Alzheimer’s has been described as the long goodbye. You will need to allow yourself to grieve the small losses along the way, This helps you to focus on making the most of what you still have left. Tears will fall but moments of happiness can still occur. Learning to relax and ride the waves, rather than fighting them, makes it easier.

At a later date I will address the other steps of grief. In parting, know that life has changed but your love for each other has not. Love can override fear, anxiety, and hopelessness.

Word for Today

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I come today wracked by pain and brokenness. I simply cannot do this alone. I need you to hold me. I need you to give me hope as I work through the news I have received. My words and thoughts are so scattered so most of my prayer will be tears and groaning.

I know you understand. I place my trust in you.

Amen

As caregivers we often forget that perhaps we are in the greatest ministry we will ever be asked to do when we provide care for someone who needs it so very much. God reminds me of this often. A beautiful lady lives in the facility near my home. On my first encounter with her, she was sitting quietly reading her Bible. As time passed she lost the ability to read and to talk. One day I walked with her to her room and noticed the beautiful quilts on the bed and wall. She was pleased that I talked about them. This was the first of many visits. One day when I walked into the living room area I saw her coming down the hall. She started smiling and laughing as she made her way to me. My heart was overcome with joy. It truly made my day. Then as I sat by her side she reached over and patted my knee and gave me a half smile. Fighting tears, I smiled back. She had no way of knowing that my mom had the same smile and often patted the knee of a grandchild to show love.

The greatest ministry I have ever done was when I was the weakest. Full of fear, uncertainty, heartache and feelings of inadequacy I stepped into being a caregiver. I, an ordinary woman, was able to do extraordinary things empowered and led by my extraordinary God. Today marks the fourth anniversary of Mom’s passing. God was faithful to see us through.

Remember on the days that are difficult that all you do is as unto the Lord. Sometimes the greatest ministers are those we call unsung heroes. They minister behind closed doors. Changing adult diapers, handling behavior issues, making finances balance and missing out on fun with friends doesn’t feel rewarding or great. The rewards in heaven will be amazing. Just imagine hearing the words, “well done my good and faithful servant”.

Remember that God is extraordinary and He is right beside you. He sees your struggles. He sees your failures. He sees you burden. He is there to help you carry it.

Remember that caregiver is for a season. When it ends, you will look back and see it was perhaps the greatest ministry you ever did as well. Caring for the two beautiful people below is one of the highest honors God has given me. That season has ended but my heart overflows with joy for the time I had with them.

Word for Today

 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:39-40

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

God,

I come to you today humbled to be your servant in this ministry to my loved one. Care giving is such a demanding ministry that tests me daily. I need answers. I need courage and I need strength. I know I will make mistakes. I know I will lose my cool and get frustrated. I ask for forgiveness on the days that I mess up. Help me lo love with the same compassion that Jesus loves me with.

Help me to see that in your eyes my obedience is what counts. Help me to remember that this is about putting the needs of others ahead of my own. Give me hope when I forget. Help me to serve until I hear your voice welcoming me with “well done”.

Amen

Maybe you find yourself sitting in silence as Christmas approaches. Instead of anticipating parties, family gatherings, and shopping, you are dreading the holidays. Life has left you feeling wrung out and exhausted. Dreams have faded and you are losing hope.

Take time to listen for God’s voice on your silent night. He lead shepherds to a manger. He lead the three kings to the one true King. He will lead you into His loving arms. His peace will replace your fears. His comfort will heal your pain. His love will hold your broken heart.

Take time to allow God to become your caregiver.

Word for Today

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

We thank you for sending your son, Jesus so that we can have hope. This world is hard sometimes and very difficult to walk alone. Help us to remember that you stand waiting on us to cry out to you. You catch the tears and hold us in the palm of your hand.

Forgive us for waiting until we have come to the end of ourselves before turning to you. Thank you for patiently waiting on us to ask for your help. Thank you for gently leading us to Jesus, our hope each and every day.

Amen

In the movie Pollyanna, a little girl always looked at the world watching for things to be glad for. When you are a caregiver, you may experience many days of looking for things to be glad for. It is important to take the time to reflect on what you can count as blessings. The blessing can be as simple as a shared smile. If you watch carefully, you will begin to discover there are many blessings. It may be an unexpected card in the mail from a friend. It may be a call from a friend asking to come visit. It may be an especially peaceful day when both of you can take a nap.

There are many days that friends and family do not provide the blessings we need. That is when we have a heavenly Father to turn to. God hears our prayers and we should not hesitate to let him know when we need comfort, peace, wisdom, encouragement and joy. We can boldly approach him when we need to see blessings in our life. After praying, be watchful to see answers to our prayers. Then offer up thanks for these blessings.

God made it so simple to come to Him with all of our needs. Sometimes we waste time feeling sorry for ourselves when we could simply make our needs known to the only One who never fails us. In my life, I discovered that a huge blessing I walked away from caregiving with is the knowledge that God never left even on the darkest days.

His faithfulness to me is the same faithfulness He has toward each of His children. As Thanksgiving approaches I will be praying for you to find things in your life to count as blessings and be thankful for.

Word for Today

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. Colossians 4:2

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I come to you with a thankful and expectant heart. You see my day with its highs and lows. You search my heart and see my struggles. I come boldly like a child looking for you to meet me each day. I ask that when my faith is low, you will reassure me that there are things to be thankful for. Let me feel you warm embrace and relax in your presence.

Amen

Deciding who to share information with is something you will face as a caregiver. You need to process the idea that someone you care about now has a terminal disease. If you need help accepting and processing this information, please seek out someone to help you. My life had crossed paths with two casual acquaintances who were already caregivers or had been. They listened to me and became friends. They were walking the same path but were many steps ahead of me. They encouraged me to prepare for what lie ahead.

In preparing you will want to build a support network. Consider the people you interact with the most. This may be family members, neighbors, coworkers and close friends. Most likely they will not be surprised by your news. They may have observed changes in your loved one and actually be relieved to know what it is. Slowly begin to share with these people. They need time to process as well. The pattern usually moves through shock, denial and finally acceptance.

Once everyone has arrived at acceptance, they will be more wiling to offer support and encouragement. If the person with Alzheimer’s is still working, the employer needs to be made aware. They may be willing to make adjustments to expectations. Do not fear that telling them will result in termination. It will happen eventually as the disease progresses.

You do not have to tell people outside of your support network right away. Take your time and tell those you trust and value in your life. These are the ones who will walk the path with you.

I highly recommend finding a good caregiver support group. They are not all the same. Visit a few if you can find them and find the one that feels right for you. The group should offer information, encouragement, listening ears and fellowship. The ages will range from young adults to seniors because caregivers can be spouses, siblings, children, grandchildren or nieces and nephews.

Talking about Alzheimer’s is nothing to be ashamed of. It is simply a disease effecting an organ. This organ happens to be someone’s brain. They deserve to be treated with love, respect and dignity. By sharing why their behavior has changed is showing love. Your job is to share so that others understand and make adjustments in how they interact with your loved one.

This takes courage but you can do it. If your loved one doesn’t want anyone to know, do not argue. Simply tell who you need to when you feel the time is right. Your loved one may experience fear, confusion and even paranoia so do it quietly. They will have lost reasoning skills and trying to explain to them why someone needs to know may only make things worse.

Sending love and prayers your way as you travel the path of being a caregiver. It may seem daunting at times, but you can do this. When you listen to the lead in to today’s song remember the two people I mentioned at the first of today’s post. God caused our paths to cross and He will cross your path with those you need.

Word for Today

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. I John 4:11

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Our Heavenly Father,

We are so grateful that you love us enough to send people to hold our hands and keep us lifted in prayer. Give us wisdom to know who to share our burdens with. Give us courage to ask for help when we need it. Give us the ability to accept our circumstances knowing that you are here with us. Give us peace and the ability to proclaim “it is well with my soul”.

Amen

Tis the season to be bombarded with marketing displays. The stores want to appeal to all of our senses as we shop for costumes, food and decor. In October we all love the smell of apple cider and pumpkin pie but we don’t all love being scared. You can walk through your local big box store and turn a corner to encounter a giant monster and scary music. As a caregiver you have to remember that the things you know aren’t real can be very real to your loved one with dementia. They must be protected from things that can startle or alarm them. This may mean avoiding stores during the month of October as much as possible.

I would turn my lights down and avoid answering the door for trick or treaters. You might plan a quiet outing to visit a friend who lives away from the hustle and bustle.

As the candy wrappers disappear the festivities of Thanksgiving and Christmas loom on the horizon. While family gatherings can be wonderful for many, they can be intimidating for someone who is already confused. Over stimulation drives them into a shell. The key to navigating the holidays is to keep things simple.

It is alright to decorate the tree, bake cookies and play carols. Just spread the activities out. Take down time to sip hot cocoa and enjoy the cookies. Entertain a few visitors at a time rather than large groups. Avoid the shopping crowds. Take advantage of online shopping. Consider ordering groceries online if it is available in your area. Taking a short ride to pick up filled orders might be fun for your loved one.

If your loved one lives in a facility ask yourself the hard questions. Do I bring them to the family gathering? Why am I doing this? Do they truly enjoy the large crowd or is it to ease my guilt? Many times they return exhausted, confused and agitated. Perhaps you can spread the family out and make short visits to the facility so you can visit one on one without so many distractions.

One year my husband and I found a cabin in the mountains and took my parents just before Thanksgiving. We cooked our meals in and simply enjoyed watching wild turkeys on the property. We chose to take a drive to one of my mother’s favorite spots. She was very peaceful and remembered taking trips there before. On our way back to the cabin snow began to fall. It is one of the best days she had just before her disease progressed to a new stage. We entered Thanksgiving with peaceful hearts.

The most important gift we can give and celebrate is the love we share and the joy we find in Christ. Wrap your loved one in your arms and let peace surround you both.

Word for Today

“Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.” Luke 2:14

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

We come to you today seeking the humbleness of a child who trusts so easily. We make it hard and forget that the peace of Christ is a gift you give freely. Let us remain in this place of peace as the holiday season approaches. Remind us to slow down and focus on what truly matters.

Amen