The adventures of my life have allowed me to explore forests, trees, streams and coral reefs. Ah, but mountains are a different story. I have observed their beauty from land and air. Climbing one presents challenges. Several years ago we drove to Mount Rainier with the intentions of hiking. Soon we noticed that to do this we would need snow shoes even in the summer. We definitely were not prepared with warm jackets, hats, gloves or scarfs: hence, we observed from the base and threw snowballs. I could walk away disappointed but decided to be grateful for the beauty I took in.

There have been mountains in my life that didn’t seem to hold any beauty. All I could see was how they were blocking my path and presenting challenges I didn’t know how to handle. I prayed for them to be removed, but God didn’t seem to be listening. Climbing the jagged edges pierced my body and spirit. Battered and bruised I nursed my wounds and cried out “Why God?”.

With flagging faith I pressed forward holding on to God’s word and promises. Some of the words that kept me going were found in the Bible.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Deuteronomy 31:8

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:12

God opened doors that needed to be opened. God made straight paths when I needed them. God strengthened me when I was afraid. He gave me comfort. He gave me peace. He gave me hope.

For now, the mountain of having a parent with Alzheimer’s and caring for them has been climbed and conquered. God chose to heal by allowing my mom to come to her final home where the pain and suffered are over. I can praise God with a joyful heart for that.

There are other mountains I still face. God is leading me with hope as I face them. He alone knows what the future holds. I know I can trust him. He loved me enough to send His son, Jesus, to tear the veil separating me from God. This relationship with God has seen me through many trials. I have been able to walk away stronger and fuller of faith with the cuts and bruises healed.

I share this glimpse into my life because this is my story. People can accuse God of being a crutch. I shout for joy that I have such a powerful crutch to lean on.

Caregivers need all of the help they can get. No person can feel your concerns, worries, fears, and pain. Friends try. Counselors try. God created you. He gave you the ability to have emotions so He alone gets it. I encourage you to turn to the greatest source of help you will ever find.

If you disagree with my faith, that is alright too. I know that God gave each of us choices. I ask that you simply respect my choices and hope that other things I offer here will be helpful to you.

Every post is written with love and concern for those who have answered the call to be a caregiver. Some stepped up willingly while others had no choice. Either way, you are a caregiver. You have joined an army across the world who are working just as hard as you. Any time we can encourage each other we need to.

Word for Today

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. I Corinthians 1:18

Song for Today

( This testimony and song remind us that sometimes we don’t have to understand what God is doing. I can relate. You may see me as someone who has it all together. I do not. I simply walk by faith.)

Prayer for Today,

Dear God,

I am facing mountains in my life. Sometimes it is hard to believe. Give me more faith when mine is small. Help me to accept the mountain knowing that you have a plan. Hold my hand as I climb it and teach me as I climb.

Amen.

If you are someone who has just learned that a close family member or friend has Alzheimer’s disease you may be overwhelmed. You are suffering the gradual loss of a loved one as well as giving up the dreams you had for the rest of your life together. This is painful and unpleasant. You may find yourself retreating as your minds races and your emotions swirl around you. You may begin to experience grief but feel you must hide it. That presents a fine balancing act of taking care of your loved one and taking care of yourself. This is all normal.

You have entered into grief. Many in the field of mental health state there are stages of grief. Everyone does not go through all of the stages or in any particular order. I found myself cycling and bouncing around.

The 5 stages most list are :

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression
• acceptance

In stage one we don’t want to believe the diagnosis. We pull away and isolate ourselves to process the thoughts. Take your time. You will need a support network. Before you start building it though, realize that they will not understand that you don’t even know what help you will need yet. At first, you will just need their prayers and arms to hold you as you cry.

An earthquake has just rattled your world. Aftershocks will occur in the coming days so don’t be surprised. The shocks will soon be felt by your family, neighbors and friends. I held on tightly to my faith and God helped me work through the hardest days. He will do the same for you. As time passes you will discover you are stronger than you ever thought you could be.

Alzheimer’s has been described as the long goodbye. You will need to allow yourself to grieve the small losses along the way, This helps you to focus on making the most of what you still have left. Tears will fall but moments of happiness can still occur. Learning to relax and ride the waves, rather than fighting them, makes it easier.

At a later date I will address the other steps of grief. In parting, know that life has changed but your love for each other has not. Love can override fear, anxiety, and hopelessness.

Word for Today

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I come today wracked by pain and brokenness. I simply cannot do this alone. I need you to hold me. I need you to give me hope as I work through the news I have received. My words and thoughts are so scattered so most of my prayer will be tears and groaning.

I know you understand. I place my trust in you.

Amen

As caregivers we often forget that perhaps we are in the greatest ministry we will ever be asked to do when we provide care for someone who needs it so very much. God reminds me of this often. A beautiful lady lives in the facility near my home. On my first encounter with her, she was sitting quietly reading her Bible. As time passed she lost the ability to read and to talk. One day I walked with her to her room and noticed the beautiful quilts on the bed and wall. She was pleased that I talked about them. This was the first of many visits. One day when I walked into the living room area I saw her coming down the hall. She started smiling and laughing as she made her way to me. My heart was overcome with joy. It truly made my day. Then as I sat by her side she reached over and patted my knee and gave me a half smile. Fighting tears, I smiled back. She had no way of knowing that my mom had the same smile and often patted the knee of a grandchild to show love.

The greatest ministry I have ever done was when I was the weakest. Full of fear, uncertainty, heartache and feelings of inadequacy I stepped into being a caregiver. I, an ordinary woman, was able to do extraordinary things empowered and led by my extraordinary God. Today marks the fourth anniversary of Mom’s passing. God was faithful to see us through.

Remember on the days that are difficult that all you do is as unto the Lord. Sometimes the greatest ministers are those we call unsung heroes. They minister behind closed doors. Changing adult diapers, handling behavior issues, making finances balance and missing out on fun with friends doesn’t feel rewarding or great. The rewards in heaven will be amazing. Just imagine hearing the words, “well done my good and faithful servant”.

Remember that God is extraordinary and He is right beside you. He sees your struggles. He sees your failures. He sees you burden. He is there to help you carry it.

Remember that caregiver is for a season. When it ends, you will look back and see it was perhaps the greatest ministry you ever did as well. Caring for the two beautiful people below is one of the highest honors God has given me. That season has ended but my heart overflows with joy for the time I had with them.

Word for Today

 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:39-40

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

God,

I come to you today humbled to be your servant in this ministry to my loved one. Care giving is such a demanding ministry that tests me daily. I need answers. I need courage and I need strength. I know I will make mistakes. I know I will lose my cool and get frustrated. I ask for forgiveness on the days that I mess up. Help me lo love with the same compassion that Jesus loves me with.

Help me to see that in your eyes my obedience is what counts. Help me to remember that this is about putting the needs of others ahead of my own. Give me hope when I forget. Help me to serve until I hear your voice welcoming me with “well done”.

Amen

Maybe you find yourself sitting in silence as Christmas approaches. Instead of anticipating parties, family gatherings, and shopping, you are dreading the holidays. Life has left you feeling wrung out and exhausted. Dreams have faded and you are losing hope.

Take time to listen for God’s voice on your silent night. He lead shepherds to a manger. He lead the three kings to the one true King. He will lead you into His loving arms. His peace will replace your fears. His comfort will heal your pain. His love will hold your broken heart.

Take time to allow God to become your caregiver.

Word for Today

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

We thank you for sending your son, Jesus so that we can have hope. This world is hard sometimes and very difficult to walk alone. Help us to remember that you stand waiting on us to cry out to you. You catch the tears and hold us in the palm of your hand.

Forgive us for waiting until we have come to the end of ourselves before turning to you. Thank you for patiently waiting on us to ask for your help. Thank you for gently leading us to Jesus, our hope each and every day.

Amen

In the movie Pollyanna, a little girl always looked at the world watching for things to be glad for. When you are a caregiver, you may experience many days of looking for things to be glad for. It is important to take the time to reflect on what you can count as blessings. The blessing can be as simple as a shared smile. If you watch carefully, you will begin to discover there are many blessings. It may be an unexpected card in the mail from a friend. It may be a call from a friend asking to come visit. It may be an especially peaceful day when both of you can take a nap.

There are many days that friends and family do not provide the blessings we need. That is when we have a heavenly Father to turn to. God hears our prayers and we should not hesitate to let him know when we need comfort, peace, wisdom, encouragement and joy. We can boldly approach him when we need to see blessings in our life. After praying, be watchful to see answers to our prayers. Then offer up thanks for these blessings.

God made it so simple to come to Him with all of our needs. Sometimes we waste time feeling sorry for ourselves when we could simply make our needs known to the only One who never fails us. In my life, I discovered that a huge blessing I walked away from caregiving with is the knowledge that God never left even on the darkest days.

His faithfulness to me is the same faithfulness He has toward each of His children. As Thanksgiving approaches I will be praying for you to find things in your life to count as blessings and be thankful for.

Word for Today

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. Colossians 4:2

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I come to you with a thankful and expectant heart. You see my day with its highs and lows. You search my heart and see my struggles. I come boldly like a child looking for you to meet me each day. I ask that when my faith is low, you will reassure me that there are things to be thankful for. Let me feel you warm embrace and relax in your presence.

Amen

Deciding who to share information with is something you will face as a caregiver. You need to process the idea that someone you care about now has a terminal disease. If you need help accepting and processing this information, please seek out someone to help you. My life had crossed paths with two casual acquaintances who were already caregivers or had been. They listened to me and became friends. They were walking the same path but were many steps ahead of me. They encouraged me to prepare for what lie ahead.

In preparing you will want to build a support network. Consider the people you interact with the most. This may be family members, neighbors, coworkers and close friends. Most likely they will not be surprised by your news. They may have observed changes in your loved one and actually be relieved to know what it is. Slowly begin to share with these people. They need time to process as well. The pattern usually moves through shock, denial and finally acceptance.

Once everyone has arrived at acceptance, they will be more wiling to offer support and encouragement. If the person with Alzheimer’s is still working, the employer needs to be made aware. They may be willing to make adjustments to expectations. Do not fear that telling them will result in termination. It will happen eventually as the disease progresses.

You do not have to tell people outside of your support network right away. Take your time and tell those you trust and value in your life. These are the ones who will walk the path with you.

I highly recommend finding a good caregiver support group. They are not all the same. Visit a few if you can find them and find the one that feels right for you. The group should offer information, encouragement, listening ears and fellowship. The ages will range from young adults to seniors because caregivers can be spouses, siblings, children, grandchildren or nieces and nephews.

Talking about Alzheimer’s is nothing to be ashamed of. It is simply a disease effecting an organ. This organ happens to be someone’s brain. They deserve to be treated with love, respect and dignity. By sharing why their behavior has changed is showing love. Your job is to share so that others understand and make adjustments in how they interact with your loved one.

This takes courage but you can do it. If your loved one doesn’t want anyone to know, do not argue. Simply tell who you need to when you feel the time is right. Your loved one may experience fear, confusion and even paranoia so do it quietly. They will have lost reasoning skills and trying to explain to them why someone needs to know may only make things worse.

Sending love and prayers your way as you travel the path of being a caregiver. It may seem daunting at times, but you can do this. When you listen to the lead in to today’s song remember the two people I mentioned at the first of today’s post. God caused our paths to cross and He will cross your path with those you need.

Word for Today

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. I John 4:11

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Our Heavenly Father,

We are so grateful that you love us enough to send people to hold our hands and keep us lifted in prayer. Give us wisdom to know who to share our burdens with. Give us courage to ask for help when we need it. Give us the ability to accept our circumstances knowing that you are here with us. Give us peace and the ability to proclaim “it is well with my soul”.

Amen

Tis the season to be bombarded with marketing displays. The stores want to appeal to all of our senses as we shop for costumes, food and decor. In October we all love the smell of apple cider and pumpkin pie but we don’t all love being scared. You can walk through your local big box store and turn a corner to encounter a giant monster and scary music. As a caregiver you have to remember that the things you know aren’t real can be very real to your loved one with dementia. They must be protected from things that can startle or alarm them. This may mean avoiding stores during the month of October as much as possible.

I would turn my lights down and avoid answering the door for trick or treaters. You might plan a quiet outing to visit a friend who lives away from the hustle and bustle.

As the candy wrappers disappear the festivities of Thanksgiving and Christmas loom on the horizon. While family gatherings can be wonderful for many, they can be intimidating for someone who is already confused. Over stimulation drives them into a shell. The key to navigating the holidays is to keep things simple.

It is alright to decorate the tree, bake cookies and play carols. Just spread the activities out. Take down time to sip hot cocoa and enjoy the cookies. Entertain a few visitors at a time rather than large groups. Avoid the shopping crowds. Take advantage of online shopping. Consider ordering groceries online if it is available in your area. Taking a short ride to pick up filled orders might be fun for your loved one.

If your loved one lives in a facility ask yourself the hard questions. Do I bring them to the family gathering? Why am I doing this? Do they truly enjoy the large crowd or is it to ease my guilt? Many times they return exhausted, confused and agitated. Perhaps you can spread the family out and make short visits to the facility so you can visit one on one without so many distractions.

One year my husband and I found a cabin in the mountains and took my parents just before Thanksgiving. We cooked our meals in and simply enjoyed watching wild turkeys on the property. We chose to take a drive to one of my mother’s favorite spots. She was very peaceful and remembered taking trips there before. On our way back to the cabin snow began to fall. It is one of the best days she had just before her disease progressed to a new stage. We entered Thanksgiving with peaceful hearts.

The most important gift we can give and celebrate is the love we share and the joy we find in Christ. Wrap your loved one in your arms and let peace surround you both.

Word for Today

“Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.” Luke 2:14

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

We come to you today seeking the humbleness of a child who trusts so easily. We make it hard and forget that the peace of Christ is a gift you give freely. Let us remain in this place of peace as the holiday season approaches. Remind us to slow down and focus on what truly matters.

Amen

Discussion happens. Who will do it? How will they do it? When should they do it? No one wants to take away the car keys. Everyone wants people to be safe. Sometimes our wants have a conflict of interest. The responsibility of taking the keys is passed around like a hot potato until someone gets the courage to take action.

Who will do it? The brave one or the one caught with the hot potato! Seriously, that is different with each family and their dynamics. It is not easy. You may turn to a local police officer, minister, family friend, or physician for assistance.

How will we do it? That is a great question. Sometimes our solution may not work.

One family simply removed a few car parts. The father had worked on his own cars all of his life. Those long term memories kicked right in and he reassembled it and kept on driving. Another son took the truck keys. His dad had another set. He took those. He then took the battery from his truck while he napped. A couple of days later he visited his dad and the truck was gone. In a bit, his dad pulled in. He told his son, “someone stole my battery and I had to get someone to take me to get another one”. His dad obviously had a third set of keys as well.

My dad had a doctor tell him he could no longer drive. A friend’s mother hit her house, scared herself and handed over the keys on her own.

Whoever does it should appeal to their loved one’s own sense of responsibility. Take action while you can still have a conversation. Respect their feelings. They are scared. They are losing their independence. They may be angry or sad. They could even be relieved. Listen with compassion but remain firm.

When should I do it?

There are legal responsibilities once a person is diagnosed with dementia. A person with Alzheimer’s will lose the ability to drive safely. It will change as the disease progresses. Their response times are slower. Their spacial conception may change. They may get lost. Watch for signs of confusion, a lack of alertness and memory loss. When these become evident and you fear for the safety of them and others, it is time.

I share the stories below to let you know taking action and timing the action is not always easy.

Just last night an elderly man with dementia spent the night on a bed made in the police station by caring officers who were called to a gas station. He had driven from another state and was lost and confused. They bought him food and sheltered him until his family could drive there to take him home.

Concerned friends and neighbors who witnessed my dad pull out in front of traffic and run stop signs called me. There were always new dings in his van that he could not explain. I feared for his safety as well as the people on the roadways with him. Taking his car keys meant having to provide transportation for him. It meant taking some of his independence from him. It meant the man who patiently taught me to drive could no longer drive safely. My heart struggled but I knew it was time to take action.

You also have other help when taking action. Carrie Underwood sang a song about it. As you listen to the song I selected today, remember that God will help you get through these tough decisions.

Word for Today

Honor your father and mother and love your neighbor as yourself. Matthew 19:19

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

We come to you today with hearts of compassion and concern for the ones we care for. We always want to show honor and respect. We also want to protect. Help us to do this with wisdom. Give us the words to say and prepare all of our hearts to make wise decisions and to take action when it is necessary. Give us courage, strength and grace. Go before us making our loved one willing accept our actions.

We thank you for being in control when we feel as if things are spinning out of our control.

Amen

This post is my most difficult post to write. I have revised and reflected for several weeks before sharing it. This morning I will make an attempt to say things in a way that speak the truth with love for all who read it.

Caregiving is a journey. It is a journey of walking a loved one with a terminal illness across the bridge to their final home. Other bridges may be crossed along the way. Bridges take us from one place to another. In the world of caregiving one place is a familiar home and the other is the unknown. Crossing that bridge creates much anxiety and fear for the person being moved as well as for the caregiver relinquishing the one they love.

To be successful in the crossing of the bridge from homes to facilities, a hand off occurs from the primary caregiver to the paid caregiver. Caregivers on both ends must make adjustments in their thinking and responses. They must make a sincere effort to understand where each other is coming from. They need to meet in the middle and link arms in the transition.

Persons employed in the field must understand where the caregiver comes from. Some caregivers come from a place of exhaustion, emotional distress, guilt and fear. They have given until they can no longer keep up with the daily responsibilities. They need help desperately but fear they are failing their loved one if they place them in a facility.

Others are not prepared to be a caregiver and don’t know what to do and place their loved one in care out of desperation. Many families must work and cannot provide constant care.

Every family has its own story. These are highly emotional stories. They have been told someone they love is terminally ill. The disease will progress. There is no detailed time table of how long this will take. Questions haunt them. Am I doing the right thing? How can we pay for this? How long will they know me? What will the rest of my family think? Who is going to help me with this load?

Tossing and turning at night as these thoughts run around in their minds they try to make decisions. Emotions and stress have them making decisions when they are not at their best. Logic and emotions mingle creating conflict inside of them as they arrive at one end of the bridge holding the hand of their confused love one.

The person on the receiving end is usually well trained. They are better qualified than the family caregiver simply due to experience and training. Most that I have met on my own journey are compassionate and caring people. I have seen people remaining after their shift sitting with an agitated person to calm them down. One morning at 2:00 am I heard singing and walked down the hall. I found a young man blow drying a woman’s hair as she held a hairbrush like a microphone. They were singing and laughing. Out of curiosity, I stepped over to the nurse and asked for their story. He was an aide on her floor and had noticed she was awake in the wee hours of the morning on his shift. He knew she slept late and they struggled getting her to shower. He suggested allowed him to give her a shower while she was wide awake. It was a beautiful gesture as well as heart warming to see.

These are examples of the people waiting on the opposite end of the bridge. Hopefully, they will walk to the middle and take your loved one’s other hand.

Communication on both sides is key to transferring a loved one to someone for their care.

Families must tell their story. They must give the facility all of the information they need. Describe your loved ones likes and dislikes. Create a well labeled memory book telling about their life. Include information about favorite music, hobbies, food and family. This will give the caregiving team ideas on how to best relate to them as an individual with a real life.

Staff can calmly explain to family up front that every effort is made to meet needs. There will be crisis every day due to so many patients having needs such as falls, medical emergencies or behavior issues. Sometimes a crisis will take precedence over normal routine. Personal one on one care is not possible 24 hours a day.

Families need to be informed when taking their loved one out and returning them creates stress and anxiety. Families need to understand that outings and holiday celebrations should consider the overall well being of the one with dementia and not about them having mom or dad with them for large gatherings.

Even when I knew it was time to cross the bridge, I cried all the way home that day after telling mom goodbye. It was one of the most difficult decisions I had ever made in my life. Yes, I called to check on her. I visited at odd hours to meet all of her caregivers. I needed peace that my mom was being well taken care of. I encourage families to visit and remain connected with their loved one and their care team.

Just writing this feels as if I am walking a tightrope. The tightrope I walk gives me a bird’s eye view that many never get. I know large numbers of caregivers both primary at home ones and paid professional ones. I do not want to step on anyone’s toes. We need each other because Alzheimer’s is a horrible disease and our greatest concern is for the one suffering from it.

Each person who gives care is important. You have been entrusted with a beautiful life or lives who need you. You have my respect and prayers for answering the call of being a caregiver. May God bless you richly for your efforts and kindness.

“There never was any heart truly great and generous, that was not also tender and compassionate.” Robert Frost

Word for Today

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

We come to you humbled. We realize we cannot navigate the tough decisions we face without your guidance and comfort. We thank you for this.

Teach us to work together as families and caregivers. Give us forgiveness when we fail each other. Give us compassion and understanding as we walk this out knowing we need each others input. Give us wisdom as we make decisions together.

Help us to have the attitude of Christ and love of Christ to pierce through the darkness of this disease and provide the best care to the one suffering from this disease.

Amen

Today, I will be brief. As a volunteer in the Alzheimer’s community, I often have to wonder if my visit will be the final one with my friends that I have come to love. During the last month it has happened twice. I hug them and promise to see them again soon not knowing that soon will be longer than I expected. It will be when I, too, get to heaven.

God allowed me to see their hearts and pour love into their lives. I am so grateful for that. I have seen laughter and tears. I have given and received hugs. I have prayed for them and with them.

I cry when each one is gone. It was be so easy to walk away and say no more pain. My heart won’t allow me to do this. Knowing there will be pain in saying goodbye, I choose to continue going to visit and look for joy in each day.

I encourage each of you to continue to visit those you know who have Alzheimer’s. Look for ways to bring joy to them while they are still here.