This weekend my husband and I ventured to the local Master Gardners club plant sale. Members of the group were busy answering questions and pulling out their cell phones to find information if they did not know the answers. All of them were very eager to assist other plant lovers. It is always a fun adventure for us.

When we rolled our cart up to the table to pay we were greeted and someone pulled our tags to give us our total. Then it became very evident to us that the person taking our cash was extremely confused. Up until this point she made complete sense talking with us. My husband handed her a large bill and waited on change. She counted the money several times before handing us back the amount we owed and not our change. She only became more confused as someone tried to help her. The person assisting her explained that they were tired from the long day.

Walking to our truck my husband looking at me and asked, “Who is going to state the obvious first?. We have been around dementia enough to notice subtle signs of early stages. My heart hurts every time I notice these signs of early dementia when we are out in public. I want to wrap my arms around the person and tell them it is going to be alright. I want to pull the family aside and tell them to watch closely for further changes.

Family members do not want to see the changes. None of us do; however, they are real. Some of the things to take note of include:

using the wrong word for something

struggling to make decisions

unable to balance checkbook or count money

taking longer to do task or follow recipes

repeating questions or stories

a change in gait

getting lost driving

trouble navigating new places such as hotels, store or finding way to restroom and back in restuarants

change in eating habits (strong perference for sweets)

Do not assume the problems are Alzheimer’s Disease. This is just one form of dementia. Parkinson’s with dementia, Lewey Bodies, Vascular and others fall under the umbrella of dementia that can occur with aging. Consulting a physician early on about your concerns can lead to testing and evaluations for more answers. Many family physicians may give you a diagnosis of mild cognitive decline. This is vague and you may want to get a referral to a gerontologist or neurologist.

Be prepared to become an advocate for someone with mild dementia. Their world is becoming confusing and they need you to walk with them as a caregiver. Equip yourself with knowledge. Walk in faith that God is with you. Do not panic. You can do this!

My song today may hit hard. It should! I can never explain to you how important the visits with my mom were while she still knew who I was. You will see your loved one with new eyes. My mom who was never silly, became quite silly just like the father in the video is hiding behind his hamburger. Let this inspire you to make the visits, gives hugs and kisses and say I love you while you still can.

Word for Today

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. I Peter5:7

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

We are surrounded with people who are confused due to disease. Show us how to meet their needs. Help us to show patience when their confusion inconveniences us. Help to to show kindness when their confusion causes them to lash out. Give us peace when fear rushes in. Give us healing when our heart feels the loss of a relationship that once gave back but is now only able to receive. Teach us to be compassionate.

Amen

Song for Today

In the Wizard of Oz we watch as Dorothy and her friends work themselves into a fearful frenzy of what may lie ahead. When we hear words such as dementia, Alzheimer’s or Lewey Bodies. we can work ourselves into a fearful frenzy as if we had just heard lions, tigers and bears. While it sounds scary, you can handle this.

Maybe someone you love has recently been diagnosed with one of the above or another form of dementia. Take a deep breath. You are not alone. Families all across the world are facing the same crisis. Fortunately, there are incredible resources being made available. This blog is just one of many written by caregivers. I personally found courage to face my fears in several ways.

First, I asked God to guide my steps. Bible verses that I have always relied on are Proverbs 3:5-6. Below are several versions. One may speak to you more than another.

The Message

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.

New International Version

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

King James

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Maybe you don’t have a relationship with God. It is the most amazing strength I have ever encountered. When facing scary situations, I have peace that is unexplainable.

My examples of God’s provision along with those of the many caregivers I have encountered are amazing.

Here are a few examples:

* A room suddenly becomes available in a facility with a long waiting list just when I need it.

(Ths happened 3 times in our caregiving journey)

* Receiving a card or book in the mail when you needed encouragement the most

* Friends getting referrals for in home caregivers at times of desperate need.

* Ideas coming about how to connect at a deep level with the one you care for when you lose hope

*A nurse calling you into the hallway of an emergency room and asking to pray for you

*Neighbors bringing hot meals over when they see you return home exhausted

*a random florist owner knocking on the door with a free yellow smiley face mug of flowers when you are sitting in the dark room crying because your dad is slowly passing away

God will meet your needs just like he met mine and my caregiving friends.

Second, I educated myself. Read, watch and listen. There are many resources on the web. Check out the Alzheimer’s Association. Get your hand on The 36 Hour Day. ( This is a must read.) Locate a support group for caregivers. If you read my past blog entries you will see suggested reading materials.

Thirdly, I realized that life had changed forever for me and the one I cared for. They now lived in a different reality and could not change. I had no chose but to step into their world.

If you still fear the journey, rest assured we all learn along the way. We mess up. We cry and pray a lot! You do the best you can.

My dad could be stubborn but he mellowed. I watched him shower love on my mom in ways I never expected. This man learned how to apply her makeup and style her hair. He fought getting help and moving mom into a nursing home. These were very hard decisions for him and heartbreaking ones.

Once mom was settled at the skilled care facility, he got a much needed knee replacement. His goal was to get out of rehab and see mom. That goal was met in 3 weeks and I signed him out with him informing me to keep driving and go straight to see mom. I rolled his wheelchair into her room and stepped back to observe. After 55 years of marriage no words were needed. The unspoken “I love you” bounced off the walls of that room. Her eyes sparkled and his tears fell.

A few years later as mom was leaving this world, Dad stood by her bed when I quietly walked in. I overheard his words and froze in place. Dad was holding mom’s hand. He said “Linda, I am going to hold your hand and count backwards. Ten, nine, eight”. Suddenly I knew he was thinking of when you are being put to sleep in surgery. He was trying to help Mom as she left us. I whirled around and eased out of the room emotionally undone. I had just witnessed an intense act of love.

You will be a part of these intense acts of love as you take care of someone. Remember that no act of love is ever wasted. Those acts of love can tame lions, tigers, and bears while erasing your fears.

Word for Today

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Prayer for Today

Dear Father God,

Today I come with gratitude for your amazing love. When fear enters my heart help me to trust that you are walking with me through the storm. Calm the storm and calm my soul.

Amen

Song for Today

After a season of caregiving that has lasted from 2008 until 2 months ago, I find myself in a strange new world. For a long time a part of every single day has involved phone calls, doctor visits, trips between cities, being in someone else’s home sometimes as much as my own and always having the needs of someone else weighing on my mind with almost every decision I made.

Now there is a strange silence and loneliness in my heart. Dreams have been put on hold for so long that I seem to have forgotten how to dream or even had enough courage to dream. I sit at my kitchen table looking out the window at neglected flower beds. Wild blackberries have crept into the lawn. My hallway is full of boxes that were quickly packed when we sold my mother-in-law’s home. They sit waiting to be sorted. Sometimes I know these things have to be tended to but my emotions cause me to pause. I need to allow God to refresh my soul and spirit.

Perhaps one of you has experienced loss and you find yourself in this same place. Pain can be triggered by the smallest of things. A few months ago, I attended the funeral service of my precious aunt. Watching my cousins walk out of the service broke my heart. As adults we were all now orphans. Our heavenly Father is the only father we have to turn to for advice, comfort or a hug.

My hope keeps me going. I know this earth is just a temporary home; however, I miss loved ones and wait with expectancy to join them when God calls me home.

As I wait, I wonder what lies ahead. Am I ready to turn the page to a new chapter in my story? Do I have the courage to make plans and dream again? What excites me? What makes me happy? What talents do I need to develop? Can God use all of my experience to help someone else?

Challenges came so fast and furious that we feel as if the storm has blown over and we are now picking up the debris left behind. We survived. God became our storm shelter. He gave us strength and courage to make tough decisions. He held us when we felt too weak to hang on to Him. Now we look ahead.

I have begun writing again My garden is beckoning me to clean it up and replant. A new baby in my family is waiting to be snuggled. We can plan a trip without having backup support on standby. We sleep without bizarre calls in the middle of the night.

Yes, I do feel that I can dream again. How about you? Perhaps you are nearing the end of your season of caregiving. You are experiencing relief and grief. When you have watched a love one decline over a long period of time, these emotions go hand in hand. Never feel guilty for these feelings. They are normal. You have faithfully given your all and you are tired. Keep in mind that you will feel drained and dreams of hope for the future may take a while to return.

Allow yourself to rest and trust God to restore your soul at the right time.

Word for Today

Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Prayer for Today

Hevenly Father,

We thank you for the hope we have as your children. Help us to allow you to build character in us as we suffer. Close our mouths when we grumble and complain. Forgive us when we take our eyes off of you and focus on our problems. Give us joy and restore our souls as we lean on your plan.

Amen

Song for Today

Country roads brought me home to the place where I belong.  Sitting on my porch listening to the birds sing and watching momma bird fly back and forth feeding her babies reminds me that life is beautiful.  Night skies are amazing on a clear evening. I am much more likely to hear a few coyotes than sirens at night.

Tires rolling over gravel leave a cloud of dust alerting me to visitors.

Fresh eggs, honey, berries and vegetables nourish our bodies and minds.  We know the preservatives and chemicals are missing that could cause damage. I would rather harvest on my farm than shop at the store.  Friends at the farmer’s market grow the things we don’t.  Bartering works well with freinds.

You may wonder what any of this has to do with caregiving.  Allow me to explain.

The last place I ever expected to move to was this farm.  My dreams involved a small farm in the foothills of Tennessee.  When my mother and father passed away, a new journey of caregiving began.  I had seen signs of mild dementia in my mother-in-law.  They lived on 21 acres and would not sell or move.  The amount of upkeep was too much for them.  My dear husband suggested that we offer to buy their farm and let them keep a few acres and build a home next to us.

Every fiber of my being screamed “no”.  I grew up next door to a set of grandparents.  My grandmother made life miserable at times for all of us.  I never wanted to relive any of that.  Memories flooded  through my mind as I mulled his suggestion over.

God surprised me.  It felt as if He whispered in my ear, “Trust me.  I have a plan for your life”. Suddenly, I heard the word “Yes” come from me and I was at peace.  In a matter of days it was settled.  We put a “for sale” sign out front and began packing.

God was teaching me to be content in my circumstances.  He knew that my father-in-law would soon have cancer.  He knew they needed us next door.  He knew that I would help navigate doctor appointments and be their driver as we traveled back and forth for treatments.  He knew we would say goodbye to him way too soon.

The last eighteen months have been filled with drama.  My mother-in-law had vascular dementia.  She became extremely delusional at times.  She seemed to cycle daily from being sensible to living in another reality.  She was very dependent on us.  A fall, hospital stay and refusal to eat caused us to lose her on December 22, 2022.

My husband and I are so very grateful for the time we had with them so close to us. We feel it was an honor to walk them to their final home. Trusting God and listening to His voice put us exactly where we needed to be at just the right time.

As a caregiver, it is so critical to trust God.  The world around you is swirling with opinions on politics, wokeness, climate change and noise pollution of all kinds. It makes me want to shout out, “in the end none of this matters”.  We are passing through this world.  Any comfort, any kindness and any acts of love that we show others does matter.  Caregivers get this. 

 Caregivers are in a tough situation.  They are making sacrifices others don’t see.  They are overworked, underpaid and misunderstood.  No one pays them big money to parade around as an influencer; however,  if you are a caregiver, you influence the person you care for every day.  You don’t pretend to have all of the answers.  You figure things out and make them work.  My hat is off to you.

Keep doing what you do.  Trust God to order your steps.  Trust God to carry the load.  Trust God to be your own personal therapist.  You don’t have to join Jesus at the table and share your story.  He already knows it.  He is just waiting on you to realize that He is all you need.

He is all I need and trusting him has led me places I didn’t expect.  I now lead a support group, write this blog, teach classes and make wonderful friends through all of it.  I have written a book that I hope to release soon.

Last week I talked to a  caregiver on the phone about life in general because her spouse no longer talks.  I crossed paths with two families looking for a support group. I smiled because one of the members of our support group found that a robotic dog was being enjoyed by his wife.

The biggest lesson I have learned is that God’s plans are so much better than mine.  It is time to go back to my porch and enjoy the roses and windchimes as I continue to learn to be content. Thankfully, God’s plan has allowed me to remain in the south on a country road.  It is nice here.

Word for Today

 Romans 11:33

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

You never cease to amaze us with your tender love and guidance.  I ask that you fill my fellow caregivers with wisdom and guide their steps.  As they walk the path you have placed them on, send friends to keep them company and offer encouragement.  Let a word be spoken, a small gift given or an act of service to assist them serve as reminders of how you see them and you care.

Hold them close and bless them.

Amen

Song for Today

Tauren Wells – Hills and Valleys (Acoustic Video)

This quote may be offensive to you. You may have a heart that is shattered into a million pieces and you are not at the point of thanking God for allowing it to be broken. When the pain subsides, you may feel differently. Brokenness allows many things to come to the surface that have been hidden away for years such as anger, doubt, fear or resentment.

Brokenness leads to reflection sometimes. I have revisited the journey of walking my mom and dad to their final home. Questions run through my mind. Did I give caring for them my best? What could I have done better? Did I allow God to mold me into a better person in the process? Will I remain faithful to live the life God has called me to? Will I be strong as I walk my mother-in-law to her final home? Will I share the message of hope that others need as they walk with their loved ones?

One way I can make sure I do my best is by relying on God to do His best. Let me explain. Most of you have heard the name Ebenezer Scrooge from Charles Dicken’s Christmas Carol. While Scrooge took a while to transform his character, we sometimes take time as God transforms us. The word ebenezer actually comes from the bible. Israel had experienced a great victory due to God’s intervention. Ebenezer means “stone of help.” Samuel erected a stone and called it ebenezer as a tangible reminder to the people of God’s act to help them. The “stone of help” marked the spot where the enemy had been routed and God’s promise to bless His repentant people had been honored.

Today I need to take time to add my own stones to a wall of reminder of God’s assistance. They will be there to encourage me as my journey of caregiving continues. God has moved mountains and opened doors just when I needed it the most. There were many days that I hid and let tears flow when I felt like I just couldn’t make any more tough decisions. In those moments I ran under God’s shelter and He was my refuge where I could rest and let Him fight my battles. I could give specific examples; however, your situation will have your own unique circumstances of when God helped you.

One thing I do know is that this is my story and my truth. While others may tune my voice out when they hear God in my story, others will realize that if God was there for me, He is there for them as well. If you trust God to guide you as a caregiver, you can be confident that He will.

This post has sat as a draft until today. Since I began writing it, my mother-in-law and a dearly loved aunt and uncle have passed away. My heart has been shattered and broken once more. God is bringing peace as I sit in His presence. I am allowing the healing to make me stronger.

God will take your fear, pain, frustration and burdens and carry the load so you can survive. He understands and sees the long hours and isolation that you feel as a caregiver. Every tear that falls and every prayer is noticed and heard. You are not alone. Keep believing. You will join me in building a wall to remind us of the times God showed up in our journey. As I build, I will be here to encourage you and share what helped me as a caregiver. Be blessed.

Word for Today

 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

We come today in brokeness trusting you to restore our strength. Enable us to serve as caregivers under your guidance and direction. Give us wisdom. Give us courage. Give us peace. Send finances and people to assist us when we are carrying a load that can be overwhelming. Hear our heart cry out to you when words don’t come to express the depths of our pain.

We stand in faith trusting you.

Amen

i

Flux is a state of uncertainty about what should be done (usually following some important event) preceding the establishment of a new direction of action. You need to pause sometimes and look for beauty around you. I have been trying to do just that.

This describes my absense from writing on this blog for such a lengthy time. There are way too many stories for me to share them all in today’s post about why I found myself in this state of flux. All caregivers face uncertainty on their journey. Many important events occur as well. Caregivers are always making decisions and taking action as their journey ebbs and flows.

Flux can be explained simply as finding it hard to make decisions to move forward after being knocked to your knees feeling drained of emotions after the tears have ceased. You sit wanting to move forward but finding your legs weak and afraid to stand.

I have shared much from my journey with a mom who had Alzheimer’s, a father who suffered mini strokes and mild dementia, a father-in-law who passed from cancer last October and then the moving of my mother-in-law to an assisted living due to vascular dementia. Add to this relocating to two cities, seeing childen relocate across country and a minor surgery and cancer scare myself and you have a picture of the last 14 years of my life. There have been many ebbs and flows due to these circumstances. I have found God’s grace and strength to face every challenge.

Earlier this year, a friend lost her dear husband to cancer. He was just getting ready to retire and they had dreams of travel and time with family. These dreams were shattered to pieces and she is left standing alone and broken hearted in the pile. Raw emotions overwhelm her as she now faces the rest of her life without her soul mate by her side. I sat on the other end of the phone and listened as she sobbed and watched her husband to make sure he was still breathing several nights.

I have said goodbye to many relatives, but I have had a rock solid husband by my side each time. Over the last few months I have awakened during the night and listened to my husband breathe or snore. If he is too quiet, I reach to see if his body is warm. That may sound morbid, but I am being honest. The thoughts of losing him someday have awakened a desire to be more than a caregiver and support group leader. We do not know how many years we will have together. It is time to begin to live some of our dreams. They are not grand or lofty. They include walks on the beach, fishing, watching meteor showers or maybe traveling in a camper.

I have been praying and thinking about what God is asking me to do. I can still post from where ever my dreams take me. I can allow God to order my steps to those of others when I can offer them encouragement and knowledge about caregiving. It may be on the beach or around a campfire. I could speak to senior groups and church leaders as we travel. Basically, I desire to be used by God to speak into the lives of caregivers as I allow myself to dream again.

Living in a state of flux is not always bad. Sometimes when the important events in your life involve extreme heartache and loss, you just have to sit still and allow God to heal the places no person has the ability to heal. If you find yourself suffering from loss today, Sit still and allow God to hold you and heal your heart. You will realize that when you attempt to stand that the weak kness are stronger. The battles you fought exposed strengths you didn’t realize you had. You are stronger and ready to take action again. Use what you have learned to help others in their battles. Together we can survive and move forward.

A song suggestion for today is

A verse to encourage you is

1 Corinthians 15:58

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

A prayer to help

Dear God,

Our lives as caregivers and just travelers on our way home seem to always be in a state of flux. Give us peace as we navigate our path. Give us hope as we stand in the knowledge that you remain the same day after day. Give us strength as we rely on you when we feel weak.

Amen

Have you ever longed for a time of refreshment and joy? The last two years should have been one of those times in my life. There was a brief repreive from caregiving as I had known it. I took on an exhausting undertaking as an indirect caregiver by becoming a fixer upper. Add the heartache of losing my father-in-law and a much loved pet and I was a woman whose joy had almost been stolen. Running on empty has kept me away from posting. Here is my story so you know I haven’t gone away for good.

We purchased a home with my father-in-law to renovate and have as a resource for the care of my mother-in-law should the need arise. He had the best of intentions in assisting with the renovations but not enough energy to carry them out. I have pulled nails, hammered nails, removed old flooring, removing ceiling tiles and assisted my hubby with the physical labor. I have picked out flooring, cabinets, lighting, countertops,etc. Since he has a time demanding job, we have spent many long nights and Saturdays at this task. Our usual gardening and occasional fishing were put on hold.

A much anticipated vacation was awaiting us as our timeout from the chaos, or so we thought. The month before our vacation, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with vascular dementia. The week before our vacation, my father-in-law became very juandiced. We rushed to a nearby city and he was admitted to the hospital. With covid restrictions in place, I found myself sitting in the parking garage in the near 90 degree heat with my mother-in-law. As my husband sat by his father’s side for the next 12 days, I bounced from airbnb to airbnb with my mother-in-law and drove back and forth to our home for clean clothes as needed. My father-in-law and husband were bouncing from his room to icu several times. On October 12 we were allowed to be with him to say our final goodbye.

In November we had to admit my mother-in-law into the hospital and eventually to a specialized care assisted living. That same week, lightning hit our home! It is a true blessing that it did not catch fire.

Our much loved fur baby had to be put down during all of this.

Three weeks later my husband and I tested positive for covid.

Now I am making myself vulnerable. This is something I rarely do. The world sees way too much of this on social media as people cry out for attention and followers. My intentions are to only share from my heart to encourage caregivers. The last few months have been tough. Tears have been shed, prayers have been prayed, nights have been sleepless and hearts have been broken.

Thankfully, I am married to an incredible man. We have faced all of this hand in hand trusting God.

Are we tired? Yes.

Are we frustrated? Yes

Are we angry? Not any more. The anger part of our grief has passed.

We know where our hope lays. We know where our provision comes from. We know where our strength comes from. We know where our protection comes from. God makes a way through the dark days giving us hope and our joy is restored when we keep our focus on Christ.

Tough decisions had to be made. We prayed for wisdom and asked God to order our steps in making those decisions. We had hoped that by living next door we could allow my mother-in-law to live at home as long as possible. A crisis situation made us realize it was not in her best interest due to safety concerns. A lot of factors played into our decision. When others only knew bits and pieces of the story, they were quick to judge us. Some of you have found yourselves in my shoes. You do not have to please everyone else’s emotional needs. That job belongs to God. You have to make a decision that is best for the one you care for and for you as the caregiver. There is not one solution that fits every situation.

We will move forward caring from a distance through phone calls, frequent visits, outings on good days and pouring out love at every opportunity. At night she sleeps well knowing she is safe. She doesn’t have to handle any finances. She told me today that she can just watch the birds at the feeder by her window and not have to pull weeds when the seeds sprouted. When I told her I had to go make dinner, she replied,”that is something else I don’t have to do anymore”. I teased back that she forgot the best part, she doesn’t have to clean the kitchen and dishes. She laughed. It sounded so good to hear. I caught a glimpse of beauty from that conversation.

We sleep well knowing she is safe, her medications are given correctly, she is well fed and is making new friends. Slowly, she is adjusting and laughing. That would have taken much longer had she been left in isolation in her home when we were busy.

Word for Today

Isaiah 61:3
and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

I ask that you give the same hope, strength, comfort and wisdom to anyone needing it. Give them glimpses of beauty when they feel like they are sitting in a pile of ashes. Hide them in your presence when they feel weak and fragile. Sheild them from criticism and judgments that feel like people are throwing stones at them. May they grow strong and tall in you. Let them shine reflecting your splendor.

Amen

Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s requires a balancing act like no other task I know.  You are shouldered with the responsibility of protecting someone from themselves and the world while still allowing them to be honored and respected as the person who struggles to still be themselves. 

This becomes challenging as you learn to allow them to save face.  None of us like to be embarrassed.  In the early stages of dementia most caregivers that are spouses begin the process by finishing sentences for their loved one.  They begin to cover for them even in doctor’s visits.

I want to address how to assist them in saving face by looking at some basic rules.

• Never argue.  You don’t have to be right.
• Do not demand your own way.
• Allow them to complete their sentences when possible.
• Do not talk about them in front of them.
• Give physicians information about changes and concerns ahead of appointments.  This allows the doctor to ask questions they already know the answer to while observing the patient’s responses.
• Prepare friends and family members before visits about behavior changes.

My daughter and her husband were visiting my parents.  My daughter walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing with his hand on a coffee cup frozen in place with his back to the room.  She stifled giggles when she realized he had been about to pour coffee when he saw my mom had entered the kitchen wearing only her underwear.  Horrified, he just stayed in place so he would not embarrass her.

Here are a few suggestions that may help.  

What do you do when the server keeps trying to take your loved one’s order at a restaurant? 

When eating out, slip a note to the server asking them to please direct questions to you.  Go to restaurants at less busy times.  Bibs are not a bad thing to prevent stains.  I made ones in pretty prints for my mom.  There are ones for men that look like a shirt front. Know what they like and order for them.

What do you do when you are in public and your dad’s pants fall to the ground?  You simply pull them up and keep going.

What do you do when they ask for a loved one that has passed away?  You tell them they can’t visit today but maybe later.  Never tell them they died.  This can be a fresh loss to them each time you tell them.

What do you do when they ask the same question every 10 minutes?

Give a different answer each time to save your own sanity.  For example, on a long car trip my mom asked,  “What time did we leave?”.  I knew what was about to happen so we had fun.  It went something like this.

Mom     What time did we leave?

Me         Around 6 o’clock 

Mom     What time did we leave?

Me         Right after breakfast

Mom     What time did we leave

Me         When the rooster crowed

I got sillier with each answer and it became a game that kept her entertained.  Some people prefer giving the same answer hoping it will eventually stick.  

 A paid caregiver was looking at family photos with a lady.  The lady told her that one was her daughter.  She then mentioned her name, job and children.  Within an hour  the phone rang.  The caregiver told her that her daughter was on the phone. She replied, “I don’t have a daughter”.

How do you respond?

• Yes, you do.  Remember she is in that picture.
• Oh, I must be mistaken.  Her name is Carol and she would like to talk to you.

Hint to the above…. never use the word remember!

How do you handle finances?

Limit the amount of cash they have on them.  Get a new debit card and place a limit on it.  This allows a little freedom but not enough to get taken advantage of or over spending.

Helping them save face may take practice, but it makes life smoother for both of you.  There are so many days that cause both of you to be frustrated. God will give you the grace to take their hand while looking into their eyes and say, “I know you are frustrated. That is alright.”

A loving caregiver looked at me with tears and asked me when would someone take her hand and say those very words. Most of you have that same question on your mind. Take a deep breath and listen to my virtual voice. I know you are frustrated and that is perfectly alright. God knows you are frustrated as well. His strength truly is perfect when your is exhuasted.

Word for Today

He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:29

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for your strength when I am exhausted and frustrated. Even if the time I have with you seems to be squeezed in whenever it can be, I feel your presence through my demanding days. Forgive me for complaining but thank you for allowing me to run to you with all of my cares. Sometimes I can’t even take time to turn to a friend. Those I the times I lean on you.

Hear my heart and know I truly accept the role of a caregiver. Give me grace when I lose sight that it is all about showing your love as well as my own love. Remind me that this is for a season.

Amen

Song for Today

Earlier I posted about life throwing curve balls. I have been fielding a few of those. Hopefully, I will be back writing on a regular basis now. The great news is that a desire dear to me is been fulfilled. My own journey as a caregiver opened my eyes and heart to how vast the need is for education and encouragement for caregivers. An organization I am involved with is partnering with our local library to present a series offering those two things to the public. I have been busy preparing for this and have accepted the challenge of leading a support group for caregivers.

Today’s topic involves sewing a quilt. A quilt is pieced together from many pieces of fabric. Then a batting thickness has to be determined. Next you add backing and then stich it all together with binding. The result is both a piece of art and  a functioning cover to bring warmth and coziness.

You may be asking what this has to do with caregiving. Let me explain.

Family caregivers can be part time, full time, live in or long distance.  The roles are different for every family.  You may see your role change as time passes.  Perhaps the greatest challenge every caregiver faces is guilt.  Sometimes we can allow a guilt quilt to be designed for us to lay under.

Too often we let the overload of guilt fall into heaps of fabric at our feet to be  pieced together through our thought processes. We ponder about what we think we should be to those around us.  We see all of our inadequacies. We feel as if our best is never enough. We slowly stitch the thoughts and allow an ugly pattern to take place.

Then a batting is added. It’s weight is made up of what everyone else in the family thinks of the job we are doing as a caregiver. Words of criticism hurt when you are the one carrying the bulk of the load. Their opinions cause you to second guess your own decisions.

This is layered on top of the opinions of outsiders.  A wise man once told me that you shouldn’t have a voice unless you have a horse in the race. Many who are trying to tell you what to do have never walked in your shoes.

Then we stitch everything together with our insecurities and shortcomings.  The result is a picasso painting at best and is way too heavy to ever bring coziness.

Maybe it is time to take the quilt apart and start over.  Pick up your seam ripper and get started!

Allow  the quilt top to be made of  forgiveness from God first.  Then forgive yourself for not being perfect.  Evaluate your gifts and skills that you bring to the table as a caregiver. Arrange the positive things in a way that reflects beauty and gives God glory.  

The batting may take a little more work.  Listen as the family members who appreciate you speak into your life.  If they are missing, then find friends who become your family.  Allow their love to cushion and comfort you. 

Next,  we will toss the opinions of outsiders into the scrap pile.  It will be replaced with opinions of educated people who equip us for the caregiving journey.  Add to this the encouraging words of prayer warriors.  Sew the binding with  confidence and peace knowing your caregiving quilt will only be a blessing when shared.

It is amazing when you learn to accept the approval of God and not depend on the approval of men.  Actually, it transforms your life.  There is freedom to be who God has called you to be.

Word for Today

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But thegreatest of these is love. I Corinthians 13:13

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for always holding me fast in this broken world I live in. Help me to turn my ears to you as I strive to be the caregiver you have equipped me to be. Help me to turn to you when I need hope, strength and wisdom.

Help me to reflect your glory in all I do.

Amen

I am a little delayed, but the promised post about how to locate a facility when planning ahead is finally here. Everyone knows that common sense is required in these decisions. Keep in mind that no place is perfect. However, there are many places that truly care about their residents. You can use your senses to evaluate these. Put your eyes, ears, nose, and feet to work. Take a scouting trip to facilities near you.

When you arrive, stay in your car. Pray for God to open your eyes and ears to what you need to see. Emotions will tear at your heart and this is not an easy task. Cry if you need to. I shed many buckets of tears in my own research process. This is a decision that requires focus. When you are ready, exit the car and walk in.

The first thing to observe should be person centered care. Of course health and safety are top priority. That does not mean that person centered care cannot be applied. Person centered care means a resident has a name, a personality and special needs that are addressed. You can feel if this is the emphasis when you visit. A visit, by the way, is not simply a scheduled tour. It can mean you either visit someone you know who lives there or buy a small bouquet of flowers and visit anyone there. This allows you to use your senses as you make observations. If covid prevents this, then schedule a tour.

Go in with eyes and ears open. Do employees acknowledge residents by name and interact when they encounter a resident in the hall? What do you smell? Keeping in mind that incontinence is common. You may smell something in a room or two, but the entire place should not smell.

Have a meal with the residents if it is offered. Is the food something you could bear eating everyday? Light seasoning is to be expected due to dietary needs. Look around and observe. Are residents who need assistance being taken care of?

Walk the halls slowly. Are rooms neat? Is the place clean? While using your feet, use your ears. Are employees mumbling and complaining? Are they cheerful?

Find a chair in a common area and become a wallflower. Soak in the atmosphere. What do you feel? What does your spiritual self experience? God will guide your steps if you allow Him to.

Write notes as soon as you get into the car. Places tend to run together after visiting several. The marketing person may promise you the world. It is their job. Your careful attention should focus on what your own senses and spirit picked up on. Quality of care is more critical than the beauty of the facility.

Discuss your findings with a trusted friend or family member. Take them along for another visit to the facilities you feel the best about. You may never have to make a choice to use a facility, but it is not a decision you want to make in a crisis situation. Planning ahead takes some of the pressure off later.

Keep in mind there are in home sitters and services. Hospice is available in some situations. Respite care can be tried on a trial basis. Assisted living with a memory care unit is a choice before skilled nursing care is required. Some facility have levels of care that change as your needs change. Read about these before making your first visits.

In my own journey we had my dad as a caregiver for my mom and added in home care when he needed extra help. My brother and I came when we were needed for weeks at a time. Our next step was assisted living with memory care and then skilled care nursing for my mom. My dad eventually had to move to an assisted living next to mom’s skilled care facility. Dad spent his final months in a skilled care assisted living.

I have no regrets for the choices we made. In the end, I had so much more freedom and time to just visit my parents and love on them. I was their loving child again. I wasn’t the nurse giving shots and medications. I wasn’t the therapist making them exercise. I wasn’t the person cooking, cleaning and doing the laundry. For years I was accused of stealing their freedom, controlling their lives and being bossy. They knew in their hearts I was doing all I could to give them the best life possible, they were just fearful of losing their independence.

They worked hard all of their lives. They loved family and travel. Their dreams of enjoying both of these during their retirement years was cut short by Alzheimer’s. There have been so many days that I long to sit on the porch and enjoy hummingbirds with my mom or cheer on the Crimson Tide football team with my dad. I treasure the last trip we took with my parents. Dad insisted that they wanted to go to the Smokey Mountains. Mom was already very confused. I found a quiet isolated cabin and we cooked our meals in. Mom watched wild turkeys in the lawn with the wonder of a young child. We loaded the car and drove through Cades Cove. It began to snow. Mom smiled the whole time. The dreams of traveling with them were cut short for us as well.

You will have tough choices ahead. You will make them and second guess yourself. In the end, do it all with love and commit to making good memories for yourself to cherish later.

Word for Today

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:2

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

In a changing world with changing circumstances, I need you more than ever. I humbly ask you to order my steps day by day. Give me wisdom as I make tough decisions. I will give you the glory.

Amen

Song for Today