This quote may be offensive to you. You may have a heart that is shattered into a million pieces and you are not at the point of thanking God for allowing it to be broken. When the pain subsides, you may feel differently. Brokenness allows many things to come to the surface that have been hidden away for years such as anger, doubt, fear or resentment.

Brokenness leads to reflection sometimes. I have revisited the journey of walking my mom and dad to their final home. Questions run through my mind. Did I give caring for them my best? What could I have done better? Did I allow God to mold me into a better person in the process? Will I remain faithful to live the life God has called me to? Will I be strong as I walk my mother-in-law to her final home? Will I share the message of hope that others need as they walk with their loved ones?

One way I can make sure I do my best is by relying on God to do His best. Let me explain. Most of you have heard the name Ebenezer Scrooge from Charles Dicken’s Christmas Carol. While Scrooge took a while to transform his character, we sometimes take time as God transforms us. The word ebenezer actually comes from the bible. Israel had experienced a great victory due to God’s intervention. Ebenezer means “stone of help.” Samuel erected a stone and called it ebenezer as a tangible reminder to the people of God’s act to help them. The “stone of help” marked the spot where the enemy had been routed and God’s promise to bless His repentant people had been honored.

Today I need to take time to add my own stones to a wall of reminder of God’s assistance. They will be there to encourage me as my journey of caregiving continues. God has moved mountains and opened doors just when I needed it the most. There were many days that I hid and let tears flow when I felt like I just couldn’t make any more tough decisions. In those moments I ran under God’s shelter and He was my refuge where I could rest and let Him fight my battles. I could give specific examples; however, your situation will have your own unique circumstances of when God helped you.

One thing I do know is that this is my story and my truth. While others may tune my voice out when they hear God in my story, others will realize that if God was there for me, He is there for them as well. If you trust God to guide you as a caregiver, you can be confident that He will.

This post has sat as a draft until today. Since I began writing it, my mother-in-law and a dearly loved aunt and uncle have passed away. My heart has been shattered and broken once more. God is bringing peace as I sit in His presence. I am allowing the healing to make me stronger.

God will take your fear, pain, frustration and burdens and carry the load so you can survive. He understands and sees the long hours and isolation that you feel as a caregiver. Every tear that falls and every prayer is noticed and heard. You are not alone. Keep believing. You will join me in building a wall to remind us of the times God showed up in our journey. As I build, I will be here to encourage you and share what helped me as a caregiver. Be blessed.

Word for Today

 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

We come today in brokeness trusting you to restore our strength. Enable us to serve as caregivers under your guidance and direction. Give us wisdom. Give us courage. Give us peace. Send finances and people to assist us when we are carrying a load that can be overwhelming. Hear our heart cry out to you when words don’t come to express the depths of our pain.

We stand in faith trusting you.

Amen

i

Flux is a state of uncertainty about what should be done (usually following some important event) preceding the establishment of a new direction of action. You need to pause sometimes and look for beauty around you. I have been trying to do just that.

This describes my absense from writing on this blog for such a lengthy time. There are way too many stories for me to share them all in today’s post about why I found myself in this state of flux. All caregivers face uncertainty on their journey. Many important events occur as well. Caregivers are always making decisions and taking action as their journey ebbs and flows.

Flux can be explained simply as finding it hard to make decisions to move forward after being knocked to your knees feeling drained of emotions after the tears have ceased. You sit wanting to move forward but finding your legs weak and afraid to stand.

I have shared much from my journey with a mom who had Alzheimer’s, a father who suffered mini strokes and mild dementia, a father-in-law who passed from cancer last October and then the moving of my mother-in-law to an assisted living due to vascular dementia. Add to this relocating to two cities, seeing childen relocate across country and a minor surgery and cancer scare myself and you have a picture of the last 14 years of my life. There have been many ebbs and flows due to these circumstances. I have found God’s grace and strength to face every challenge.

Earlier this year, a friend lost her dear husband to cancer. He was just getting ready to retire and they had dreams of travel and time with family. These dreams were shattered to pieces and she is left standing alone and broken hearted in the pile. Raw emotions overwhelm her as she now faces the rest of her life without her soul mate by her side. I sat on the other end of the phone and listened as she sobbed and watched her husband to make sure he was still breathing several nights.

I have said goodbye to many relatives, but I have had a rock solid husband by my side each time. Over the last few months I have awakened during the night and listened to my husband breathe or snore. If he is too quiet, I reach to see if his body is warm. That may sound morbid, but I am being honest. The thoughts of losing him someday have awakened a desire to be more than a caregiver and support group leader. We do not know how many years we will have together. It is time to begin to live some of our dreams. They are not grand or lofty. They include walks on the beach, fishing, watching meteor showers or maybe traveling in a camper.

I have been praying and thinking about what God is asking me to do. I can still post from where ever my dreams take me. I can allow God to order my steps to those of others when I can offer them encouragement and knowledge about caregiving. It may be on the beach or around a campfire. I could speak to senior groups and church leaders as we travel. Basically, I desire to be used by God to speak into the lives of caregivers as I allow myself to dream again.

Living in a state of flux is not always bad. Sometimes when the important events in your life involve extreme heartache and loss, you just have to sit still and allow God to heal the places no person has the ability to heal. If you find yourself suffering from loss today, Sit still and allow God to hold you and heal your heart. You will realize that when you attempt to stand that the weak kness are stronger. The battles you fought exposed strengths you didn’t realize you had. You are stronger and ready to take action again. Use what you have learned to help others in their battles. Together we can survive and move forward.

A song suggestion for today is

A verse to encourage you is

1 Corinthians 15:58

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

A prayer to help

Dear God,

Our lives as caregivers and just travelers on our way home seem to always be in a state of flux. Give us peace as we navigate our path. Give us hope as we stand in the knowledge that you remain the same day after day. Give us strength as we rely on you when we feel weak.

Amen

Have you ever longed for a time of refreshment and joy? The last two years should have been one of those times in my life. There was a brief repreive from caregiving as I had known it. I took on an exhausting undertaking as an indirect caregiver by becoming a fixer upper. Add the heartache of losing my father-in-law and a much loved pet and I was a woman whose joy had almost been stolen. Running on empty has kept me away from posting. Here is my story so you know I haven’t gone away for good.

We purchased a home with my father-in-law to renovate and have as a resource for the care of my mother-in-law should the need arise. He had the best of intentions in assisting with the renovations but not enough energy to carry them out. I have pulled nails, hammered nails, removed old flooring, removing ceiling tiles and assisted my hubby with the physical labor. I have picked out flooring, cabinets, lighting, countertops,etc. Since he has a time demanding job, we have spent many long nights and Saturdays at this task. Our usual gardening and occasional fishing were put on hold.

A much anticipated vacation was awaiting us as our timeout from the chaos, or so we thought. The month before our vacation, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with vascular dementia. The week before our vacation, my father-in-law became very juandiced. We rushed to a nearby city and he was admitted to the hospital. With covid restrictions in place, I found myself sitting in the parking garage in the near 90 degree heat with my mother-in-law. As my husband sat by his father’s side for the next 12 days, I bounced from airbnb to airbnb with my mother-in-law and drove back and forth to our home for clean clothes as needed. My father-in-law and husband were bouncing from his room to icu several times. On October 12 we were allowed to be with him to say our final goodbye.

In November we had to admit my mother-in-law into the hospital and eventually to a specialized care assisted living. That same week, lightning hit our home! It is a true blessing that it did not catch fire.

Our much loved fur baby had to be put down during all of this.

Three weeks later my husband and I tested positive for covid.

Now I am making myself vulnerable. This is something I rarely do. The world sees way too much of this on social media as people cry out for attention and followers. My intentions are to only share from my heart to encourage caregivers. The last few months have been tough. Tears have been shed, prayers have been prayed, nights have been sleepless and hearts have been broken.

Thankfully, I am married to an incredible man. We have faced all of this hand in hand trusting God.

Are we tired? Yes.

Are we frustrated? Yes

Are we angry? Not any more. The anger part of our grief has passed.

We know where our hope lays. We know where our provision comes from. We know where our strength comes from. We know where our protection comes from. God makes a way through the dark days giving us hope and our joy is restored when we keep our focus on Christ.

Tough decisions had to be made. We prayed for wisdom and asked God to order our steps in making those decisions. We had hoped that by living next door we could allow my mother-in-law to live at home as long as possible. A crisis situation made us realize it was not in her best interest due to safety concerns. A lot of factors played into our decision. When others only knew bits and pieces of the story, they were quick to judge us. Some of you have found yourselves in my shoes. You do not have to please everyone else’s emotional needs. That job belongs to God. You have to make a decision that is best for the one you care for and for you as the caregiver. There is not one solution that fits every situation.

We will move forward caring from a distance through phone calls, frequent visits, outings on good days and pouring out love at every opportunity. At night she sleeps well knowing she is safe. She doesn’t have to handle any finances. She told me today that she can just watch the birds at the feeder by her window and not have to pull weeds when the seeds sprouted. When I told her I had to go make dinner, she replied,”that is something else I don’t have to do anymore”. I teased back that she forgot the best part, she doesn’t have to clean the kitchen and dishes. She laughed. It sounded so good to hear. I caught a glimpse of beauty from that conversation.

We sleep well knowing she is safe, her medications are given correctly, she is well fed and is making new friends. Slowly, she is adjusting and laughing. That would have taken much longer had she been left in isolation in her home when we were busy.

Word for Today

Isaiah 61:3
and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

I ask that you give the same hope, strength, comfort and wisdom to anyone needing it. Give them glimpses of beauty when they feel like they are sitting in a pile of ashes. Hide them in your presence when they feel weak and fragile. Sheild them from criticism and judgments that feel like people are throwing stones at them. May they grow strong and tall in you. Let them shine reflecting your splendor.

Amen

Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s requires a balancing act like no other task I know.  You are shouldered with the responsibility of protecting someone from themselves and the world while still allowing them to be honored and respected as the person who struggles to still be themselves. 

This becomes challenging as you learn to allow them to save face.  None of us like to be embarrassed.  In the early stages of dementia most caregivers that are spouses begin the process by finishing sentences for their loved one.  They begin to cover for them even in doctor’s visits.

I want to address how to assist them in saving face by looking at some basic rules.

• Never argue.  You don’t have to be right.
• Do not demand your own way.
• Allow them to complete their sentences when possible.
• Do not talk about them in front of them.
• Give physicians information about changes and concerns ahead of appointments.  This allows the doctor to ask questions they already know the answer to while observing the patient’s responses.
• Prepare friends and family members before visits about behavior changes.

My daughter and her husband were visiting my parents.  My daughter walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing with his hand on a coffee cup frozen in place with his back to the room.  She stifled giggles when she realized he had been about to pour coffee when he saw my mom had entered the kitchen wearing only her underwear.  Horrified, he just stayed in place so he would not embarrass her.

Here are a few suggestions that may help.  

What do you do when the server keeps trying to take your loved one’s order at a restaurant? 

When eating out, slip a note to the server asking them to please direct questions to you.  Go to restaurants at less busy times.  Bibs are not a bad thing to prevent stains.  I made ones in pretty prints for my mom.  There are ones for men that look like a shirt front. Know what they like and order for them.

What do you do when you are in public and your dad’s pants fall to the ground?  You simply pull them up and keep going.

What do you do when they ask for a loved one that has passed away?  You tell them they can’t visit today but maybe later.  Never tell them they died.  This can be a fresh loss to them each time you tell them.

What do you do when they ask the same question every 10 minutes?

Give a different answer each time to save your own sanity.  For example, on a long car trip my mom asked,  “What time did we leave?”.  I knew what was about to happen so we had fun.  It went something like this.

Mom     What time did we leave?

Me         Around 6 o’clock 

Mom     What time did we leave?

Me         Right after breakfast

Mom     What time did we leave

Me         When the rooster crowed

I got sillier with each answer and it became a game that kept her entertained.  Some people prefer giving the same answer hoping it will eventually stick.  

 A paid caregiver was looking at family photos with a lady.  The lady told her that one was her daughter.  She then mentioned her name, job and children.  Within an hour  the phone rang.  The caregiver told her that her daughter was on the phone. She replied, “I don’t have a daughter”.

How do you respond?

• Yes, you do.  Remember she is in that picture.
• Oh, I must be mistaken.  Her name is Carol and she would like to talk to you.

Hint to the above…. never use the word remember!

How do you handle finances?

Limit the amount of cash they have on them.  Get a new debit card and place a limit on it.  This allows a little freedom but not enough to get taken advantage of or over spending.

Helping them save face may take practice, but it makes life smoother for both of you.  There are so many days that cause both of you to be frustrated. God will give you the grace to take their hand while looking into their eyes and say, “I know you are frustrated. That is alright.”

A loving caregiver looked at me with tears and asked me when would someone take her hand and say those very words. Most of you have that same question on your mind. Take a deep breath and listen to my virtual voice. I know you are frustrated and that is perfectly alright. God knows you are frustrated as well. His strength truly is perfect when your is exhuasted.

Word for Today

He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:29

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for your strength when I am exhausted and frustrated. Even if the time I have with you seems to be squeezed in whenever it can be, I feel your presence through my demanding days. Forgive me for complaining but thank you for allowing me to run to you with all of my cares. Sometimes I can’t even take time to turn to a friend. Those I the times I lean on you.

Hear my heart and know I truly accept the role of a caregiver. Give me grace when I lose sight that it is all about showing your love as well as my own love. Remind me that this is for a season.

Amen

Song for Today

Earlier I posted about life throwing curve balls. I have been fielding a few of those. Hopefully, I will be back writing on a regular basis now. The great news is that a desire dear to me is been fulfilled. My own journey as a caregiver opened my eyes and heart to how vast the need is for education and encouragement for caregivers. An organization I am involved with is partnering with our local library to present a series offering those two things to the public. I have been busy preparing for this and have accepted the challenge of leading a support group for caregivers.

Today’s topic involves sewing a quilt. A quilt is pieced together from many pieces of fabric. Then a batting thickness has to be determined. Next you add backing and then stich it all together with binding. The result is both a piece of art and  a functioning cover to bring warmth and coziness.

You may be asking what this has to do with caregiving. Let me explain.

Family caregivers can be part time, full time, live in or long distance.  The roles are different for every family.  You may see your role change as time passes.  Perhaps the greatest challenge every caregiver faces is guilt.  Sometimes we can allow a guilt quilt to be designed for us to lay under.

Too often we let the overload of guilt fall into heaps of fabric at our feet to be  pieced together through our thought processes. We ponder about what we think we should be to those around us.  We see all of our inadequacies. We feel as if our best is never enough. We slowly stitch the thoughts and allow an ugly pattern to take place.

Then a batting is added. It’s weight is made up of what everyone else in the family thinks of the job we are doing as a caregiver. Words of criticism hurt when you are the one carrying the bulk of the load. Their opinions cause you to second guess your own decisions.

This is layered on top of the opinions of outsiders.  A wise man once told me that you shouldn’t have a voice unless you have a horse in the race. Many who are trying to tell you what to do have never walked in your shoes.

Then we stitch everything together with our insecurities and shortcomings.  The result is a picasso painting at best and is way too heavy to ever bring coziness.

Maybe it is time to take the quilt apart and start over.  Pick up your seam ripper and get started!

Allow  the quilt top to be made of  forgiveness from God first.  Then forgive yourself for not being perfect.  Evaluate your gifts and skills that you bring to the table as a caregiver. Arrange the positive things in a way that reflects beauty and gives God glory.  

The batting may take a little more work.  Listen as the family members who appreciate you speak into your life.  If they are missing, then find friends who become your family.  Allow their love to cushion and comfort you. 

Next,  we will toss the opinions of outsiders into the scrap pile.  It will be replaced with opinions of educated people who equip us for the caregiving journey.  Add to this the encouraging words of prayer warriors.  Sew the binding with  confidence and peace knowing your caregiving quilt will only be a blessing when shared.

It is amazing when you learn to accept the approval of God and not depend on the approval of men.  Actually, it transforms your life.  There is freedom to be who God has called you to be.

Word for Today

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But thegreatest of these is love. I Corinthians 13:13

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for always holding me fast in this broken world I live in. Help me to turn my ears to you as I strive to be the caregiver you have equipped me to be. Help me to turn to you when I need hope, strength and wisdom.

Help me to reflect your glory in all I do.

Amen

I am a little delayed, but the promised post about how to locate a facility when planning ahead is finally here. Everyone knows that common sense is required in these decisions. Keep in mind that no place is perfect. However, there are many places that truly care about their residents. You can use your senses to evaluate these. Put your eyes, ears, nose, and feet to work. Take a scouting trip to facilities near you.

When you arrive, stay in your car. Pray for God to open your eyes and ears to what you need to see. Emotions will tear at your heart and this is not an easy task. Cry if you need to. I shed many buckets of tears in my own research process. This is a decision that requires focus. When you are ready, exit the car and walk in.

The first thing to observe should be person centered care. Of course health and safety are top priority. That does not mean that person centered care cannot be applied. Person centered care means a resident has a name, a personality and special needs that are addressed. You can feel if this is the emphasis when you visit. A visit, by the way, is not simply a scheduled tour. It can mean you either visit someone you know who lives there or buy a small bouquet of flowers and visit anyone there. This allows you to use your senses as you make observations. If covid prevents this, then schedule a tour.

Go in with eyes and ears open. Do employees acknowledge residents by name and interact when they encounter a resident in the hall? What do you smell? Keeping in mind that incontinence is common. You may smell something in a room or two, but the entire place should not smell.

Have a meal with the residents if it is offered. Is the food something you could bear eating everyday? Light seasoning is to be expected due to dietary needs. Look around and observe. Are residents who need assistance being taken care of?

Walk the halls slowly. Are rooms neat? Is the place clean? While using your feet, use your ears. Are employees mumbling and complaining? Are they cheerful?

Find a chair in a common area and become a wallflower. Soak in the atmosphere. What do you feel? What does your spiritual self experience? God will guide your steps if you allow Him to.

Write notes as soon as you get into the car. Places tend to run together after visiting several. The marketing person may promise you the world. It is their job. Your careful attention should focus on what your own senses and spirit picked up on. Quality of care is more critical than the beauty of the facility.

Discuss your findings with a trusted friend or family member. Take them along for another visit to the facilities you feel the best about. You may never have to make a choice to use a facility, but it is not a decision you want to make in a crisis situation. Planning ahead takes some of the pressure off later.

Keep in mind there are in home sitters and services. Hospice is available in some situations. Respite care can be tried on a trial basis. Assisted living with a memory care unit is a choice before skilled nursing care is required. Some facility have levels of care that change as your needs change. Read about these before making your first visits.

In my own journey we had my dad as a caregiver for my mom and added in home care when he needed extra help. My brother and I came when we were needed for weeks at a time. Our next step was assisted living with memory care and then skilled care nursing for my mom. My dad eventually had to move to an assisted living next to mom’s skilled care facility. Dad spent his final months in a skilled care assisted living.

I have no regrets for the choices we made. In the end, I had so much more freedom and time to just visit my parents and love on them. I was their loving child again. I wasn’t the nurse giving shots and medications. I wasn’t the therapist making them exercise. I wasn’t the person cooking, cleaning and doing the laundry. For years I was accused of stealing their freedom, controlling their lives and being bossy. They knew in their hearts I was doing all I could to give them the best life possible, they were just fearful of losing their independence.

They worked hard all of their lives. They loved family and travel. Their dreams of enjoying both of these during their retirement years was cut short by Alzheimer’s. There have been so many days that I long to sit on the porch and enjoy hummingbirds with my mom or cheer on the Crimson Tide football team with my dad. I treasure the last trip we took with my parents. Dad insisted that they wanted to go to the Smokey Mountains. Mom was already very confused. I found a quiet isolated cabin and we cooked our meals in. Mom watched wild turkeys in the lawn with the wonder of a young child. We loaded the car and drove through Cades Cove. It began to snow. Mom smiled the whole time. The dreams of traveling with them were cut short for us as well.

You will have tough choices ahead. You will make them and second guess yourself. In the end, do it all with love and commit to making good memories for yourself to cherish later.

Word for Today

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:2

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

In a changing world with changing circumstances, I need you more than ever. I humbly ask you to order my steps day by day. Give me wisdom as I make tough decisions. I will give you the glory.

Amen

Song for Today

Musicians understanding the importance of transitions. These allow the music and melody to flow freely without feeling disconnected. Eyeglass makers offer transition lenses. These adjust when you step from a room into bright sunlight to protect your eyes from harsh glares.

Caregivers will face harsh and unexpected changes sometimes. The most difficult decisions are forced by these changes. Can I still be the sole caregiver? Is it time to hire in home care? Are we ready for assisted living, memory care, skilled nursing care or hospice? How do I even decide?

Take a deep breath if this hit you where you are. Everything will work out. You will survive the transitions. I did. It hurt. I struggled. I prayed. I trusted God to order my steps.

Today, I will share a little of the transitioning my family went through and then offer some things to consider as you go through transitions. Grab a box of tissues if you cry easily. You would even see water spots from my tears if this was a letter written on paper.

I lived six hours away when my mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. My brother and I would visit often. We cleaned, prepared meals for dad to heat up, took mom shopping for clothing, did lawn work and just enjoyed time with them. Dad began to have his hands full so we hired someone to clean. Then we finally hired in home care.

I found myself taking over all medical appointments and spending more and more time with them. Mom began to wander and to get angry when my dad was out of her sight. Dad put on her makeup for her, cooked their meals and gave her wonderful care. He could not make the changes that were necessary to keep her calm. He would correct her and argue. He insisted she still wanted to go out to eat when it was confusing for her. When we reached the point that I was spending more time there than at my home, I realized Dad was overwhelmed. We could not just sell our home and change my husband’s job quick enough to be there all the time. Dad refused to move to us. My only choice then was to place Mom in an assisted living with memory care.

I bought a bedspread to match hers at home. I took some of her favorite things. Then when it was time to move her, I was overcome with sorrow for our whole family. Mom had been the true heart of her home. She loved nothing more than sharing it with family. With very heavy hearts my dad, brother and I drove away. I held my tears until late that night after Dad was asleep and then I poured my heart out to God for peace for both of my parents.

The next transition came after Mom had an UTI infection. She became very angry and aggressive. The senior unit at a hospital was our first move. Unfortunately, over medication resulted in a transition to a skilled nursing care facility.

Then my Dad slowly began to change. After a knee replacement, numerous falls and fender benders we knew he did not need to be living alone. I was staying with him up to 9 weeks at a time. On my commute back home after each visit, I was truly too exhausted to be driving in heavy traffic.

Dad fell again and was on the floor for 24 hours. With this hospital admission I knew he would not be returning to his home. I had already placed he and my mom on waiting list at an assisted living and skilled nursing facility near me. Dad came because he really had no choice and Mom never even realized we moved her.

Mom passed away about 5 weeks after this move. Dad made one more transition. We placed our home on the market, received permission for my husband to work from home and moved Dad to a special care assisted living in his hometown. We visited every weekend as we prepared for our move. Dad passed away before we could even move. He had fallen again, so I packed clothes and stayed with him during his last weeks.

Hospice workers were amazing during the final days with both of my parents.

As you just read, I managed to use in home care, assisted memory care, skilled nursing facilities, regular assisted living and hospice. The experiences were varied at each stay. Doing my research ahead of time resulted in them receiving care that allowed me to sleep better at night.

This was lengthy, but I wanted you to know I do feel your pain and confusion about what you should do when facing transitions. My first word of advice is to do your research. Begin to develop a plan before the transition comes. Then pray for guidance.

Start a journal or photo album that tell your loved ones life story. Include past jobs, names of children and grandchildren, list of hobbies, favorite foods, etc. This will assist any caregiver in getting acquainted with your loved one. For example, I hung a huge Alabama Crimson Tide wreath on my dad’s door. We watched every game with him. The last football season we shared began with putting up a Christmas tree. Each game they won resulted in a new Alabama ornament being hung on his tree. The resident assistance would look for it and talk to dad about the game. He loved the attention.

Later this week I will post on things to look for when you make visits to tour facilities. If you are reading this and have questions, please leave a comment and an email address and I will respond. The comments are private.

Word for Today

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 4:4-7

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Help me today to trust that you have a plan. Give me faith to trust your plan. Give me comfort as the plan unfolds.

I choose to rejoice in you through it all.

Amen

Song for Today

I have been online for 2 days with an incredible army of volunteers with the Alzheimer’s association. We are having discussions about how to partner with families dealing with Alzheimer’s disease. Most everyone has been a caregiver at some point. If you could hear people from all across the country share about the importance of offering education, support groups and funding research you would be shedding a few tears with me. They get it. Their heart carries a burden because many have walked the path you are now walking.

You are not alone in this battle. Please take a few minutes today and visit alz.org

You will find education opportunities and support. As you learn more, you can navigate life as a caregiver with more confidence. Every caregiver has their own unique personality, gifts and skills. You use this to be the best caregiver possible. Never compare yourself to other caregivers.

Last night I read something that I feel lead to share. Imagine all of your skills, talents, strengths and character are in a measuring cup. Each of the caregivers around you have their measuring cups lined up on the counter. The enemy of your soul would like to tempt you to compare the fullness of your cup to theirs. If you do look and compare, you may end up feeling like an inadequate failure. That is exactly when you end up living in discouragement and fear.

If your focus is on just your cup then God can begin to pour all of those wonderful ingredients He has placed in your life into the life of someone who needs you. They love every smidgen of love that flows from that cup.

You are strong. You are beautiful. You are on the front lines of a huge battle. You are surrounded by an army of fellow caregivers. God is in your midst. If God aided David in his battle against Goliath, He will be there with you. It may take a while, but keep holding on to your faith!

World for Today
Hebrews 11:30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days.

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for being my strength. Thank you for equipping me for the task of caregiving. Help me to trust in what you have placed inside of me when I feel frightened and unprepared. Step by step I will rely on you to be with me.

Amen

Song for Today

Finally, I am back. Hopefully I have an idea for handling difficult days. Forgive my absence please. A couple of friends, a family member and a neighbor have been thrown some curve balls over the last few weeks as caregivers. I have tried to be a listening ear, prayer partner and voice of encouragement for them.

As I have thought about what to share with you, I remembered a story that I would like to share. A church I attended had plenty of people who disagreed on the right temperature for the building to be. Some thought it was too cold while others were convinced it was too hot. Some wise board members found a solution. The real thermostat to control the temperature was relocated to a office that was locked during services. The one on the wall that everyone could access was disconnected but left on the wall. Everyone, who wanted to, could adjust the setting and suddenly the temps were always just right.

When you are caring for someone with dementia you may have to take control of situations in a way that allows them to think they are still in control. This takes planning and holding of your tongue. Remember arguing never results in a win for either of you. You can plant an idea in their head and give them a few days to ponder it during the early stages of Alzheimer’s. Often they will come back to you with your idea. Reply “that is a great idea so let’s try it”. Never reply with “I told you so”. Humble yourself to save their dignity.

You can plan carefully with the best of intentions. Sometimes the plan works. Other times it falls apart. Today is one of those days. My plans were to lead an in person support group An ice storm halted those plans. So, I decided to use up some food before we lose power. The blender was full of greek yogurt, pineapple, blueberries and strawberries. Delicious smoothies would be lunch. Maybe I was feeling a bit pleased with myself for this great idea. Then humility flooded over me as I looked at my kitchen.

The blender began to work slowly and then smoke was pouring from it. I hurried to unplug it. Then I hastily tried to remove the glass container full of smoothie. The blade and holder stayed with the base and smoothie went all over me, the counter, the cabinet doors and the floor. My German shepherd was eager to clean the floor. This is the point that my husband walked back in for lunch and found it all over the kitchen. He is a great a wonderful man and rescued me from my disaster. To prove how wonderful he is, he just ordered me a new and improved blender!

Each of you have God on your side. He sweeps in when our plans fail to help us clean up the mess. Who knows a friend may even step in with a pleasant surprise such as my new blender.

God’s word is full of examples of people who had curve balls to handle. Jacob said “I Do”, lifted the veil and saw he had married the wrong girl. Joseph shared his dream and landed in the bottom of a pit. Mary was a young virgin girl who was told by an angel that she would bear a child conceived by God. The rest of their stories can be explored to find how they handled the changes and where their journeys took them. God had a plan for each of them.

God will be faithful to help you face tough days as well. You are stronger than you think because He carries part of your load. Trust Him to give you wisdom. He knows His plan for you.

Word for Today

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Some days are not as peaceful as others. No matter how much I try, it feels as if I never do the right thing. Then I carry guilt and have a lack of peace, thinking I blew it again. Give me the courage to pick myself up and keep going. Give me peace when life is full of stress. Give me faith to know you will make my paths straight and have a plan for me. Part of that plan is to be a caregiver.

I thank you for the honor of walking my loved one to their final home. Help me to consider it an honor on the hard days.

Amen

Song for Today

P.S. The freezing ice has changed to beautiful snowflakes. I have a peace in my heart and praise in my heart. My home is warm and for now the power is still on. Make yourself a hot cup of cocoa or tea and praise God for your blessings.

Dear Friend,

This is my Christmas card and letter to you. You have had a difficult year. The last thing you need is more difficulties to navigate. As the person who lives with someone who changes daily, you understand their needs, emotions and abilities better than anyone. The family members who drop in occasionally or call to get information only have glimpses into what life is actually like.

They will have expectations of following traditions, gathering as a large group, and having fun. You are considered the Grinch who overprotects and ruins the party. My suggestion is that you send a Christmas letter to your family members. Tell them about changes that have occurred. Make them aware that someone with Alzheimer’s can easily be overstimulated by loud noises, bright lights and everyone talking at once. Suggest that having them in a large gathering can really upset them. They just cannot process the activity around them that used to bring them pleasure.

Assure them of how much you love them and you would love visits by a few at a time. Encourage them to prepare children and teens for the change. They may want to bring quiet toys for younger children. Most people with Alzheimer’s love to see children. Make them aware of the best time of the day for the visit.

One year my mom had declined rapidly. I knew that family members would surround she and my dad so I returned to my home in another state to celebrate with my own children and grandchildren. Frantic phone calls came in all day long. Older grandchildren had left crying. My mom’s sisters were convinced she was dying. My dad had panicked due to their reactions. It was chaos. Thankfully I had a home health care nurse calling as well. She assured me that mom was just like she had been when I left them two days ago.

Exhausted from driving, I had to return to mom and dad the next day to settle everyone down. Partly, it was my fault. I should have tried harder to convey to them how much was changing. I feared being accused of exaggerating mom’s conditions or of trying to make them feel guilty. Keep in mind that the focus should always be on what is the best for the one you care for. If you must bear the burden of being the bad guy, remember God will help you bear the load.

Here are a few gift suggestions to make to extended family.

Stuffed animals or dolls are appropriate gifts at later stages of the disease.

Clothing gifts should be easy to put on and take off as well as comfortable.

Seek puzzles or picture books as well at the later stage.

Perhaps a bird feeder would be nice for them to watch from inside.

Arnica oil (weleda massage oil) is a lovely gift. You can massage stiff joints and provide human touch that is enjoyed.

Lavender and citrus essential oils with a diffuser would be nice as well. The lavender helps with calming and the citrus is great for mornings and helping them wake up.

A scrapbook of their life.

Sweets (unless they are diabetic)

Stocking with an orange, apple and candy cane

Drive to see Christmas lights

I hope this has inspired you with some ideas of your own.You may still be told “You are a mean one Mr. Grinch”. You and I know “You are the amazing one”!

May God richly bless you and bring joy to your home this Christmas season.

Word for Today (I do not have memory issues. Someone needs to hear this again today.)

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John16:33

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Please give me wisdom and favor as I speak to my family about celebrating this year. Help me to focus on your gift to us and the reason we do celebrate. Help me to see caring for another as an honor.

Amen

Song for Today