Hiding the Stress and Pain

Some of us carry pain and stress inside. Others see a smiling face and admire our strength, especially those in our church. They know our trust and strength are in God alone. We do have peace, but even those who have faith and strength hurt.

Yesterday I saw a woman hugging and smiling as she entered the sanctuary. When I asked how she was, I saw a tiny hole in the “everything is ok” mask. A few questions coming from a fellow caregiver opened that hole and I saw weariness, tiredness and pain.

God began to remind me of the many times someone had not only prayed for me but actually put their arms around me and gave me a safe place to let the raw emotions escape as tears. I approached her and did just that. She sobbed as I prayed.

I know her faith in God is solid. I know she has a beautiful heart and spirit. I walked in her shoes not too long ago. I walked by faith as she does. I tried not to complain and assured others I was ok. That is all very true for me and my friend. We can be strong Christians and still feel things intensely. We feel guilty for not being all we can be to our family when caregiving takes so much of our time. We need to rest and have little time for it.

Do yourself a favor and confide to a close friend that you need prayer and to just be held for a few minutes.

“When you receive or give a (consensual!) hug, your brain releases a flood of mood-boosting neurotransmitters and hormones, including endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin”. neuroscientist Dave Rabin, MD, PhD.

Isolation and loneliness are common when you are a caregiver. That hug may be just what you need!

Men need hugs as much as women. We all hurt and need comfort at times.

Caregivers get caregivers. We all face similar problems. Some see this as expressing their love. Some see this as a burden. Some feel stuck with the job that no one else wants to do. We all have our reasons for being a caregiver. We all understand the heaviness of our job. That commonality allows us to share our stories and encourage each other.

As supportive as my husband was, he didn’t truly get the load I had been carrying until he was providing care for his own parents. I had to show grace and not hold it against family who had not walked in my shoes yet.

Friends of caregivers don’t wait until others ask for a safe place to talk and really be heard. Watch for signs of weariness or anger and offer to listen or give them a break. Helping provide care will open your eyes to how much is involved day by day in your caregiving friend’s life.

Caregivers don’t attempt to bottle up your emotions. Find a trusted friend, family member or support group where you are heard and understood. Take that mask off and shed a tear or laugh. God is the place we lay our burdens down. Friends can help us do this. Go find a place to shout if you need to. I have been known to do this in my car traveling home after caregiving.

Word for Today

Matthew 11: 28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Song for Today ( My husband sent me this link when I had just left my mom’s side. I had to pull over and cry. Little did I know my mom would be in heaven less than 2 weeks later. 2 days from now will be 10 years since I said goodbye. Miss her all the time.)

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Forgive me for the times I try to do this job of caregiving all by myself. I thank you for sending Jesus to assist me when I am weary and burdened. I thank you for people in my life that came by my side to encourage me.

Open my eyes to other caregivers that need someone to hug them and pray for them.

Amen

Life With a Diminished Brain

Today I read a prompt to write about what life without a computer would be like. Immediately, I thought about what life would be like without a fully functioning brain. If I had no computer, I could find a work around. As a child I researched by reading real books. I wrote with pen and paper. Truly, being without a computer would simply be a huge inconvenience.

Trying to live my life with a diminished or diseased brain is extremely frightening. Just imagine losing your ability to control your own life day by day, then year by year. The lose of dignity and independence would feel as if you were in a small room with the walls and ceiling closing in on you. Eventually, you would be lying in a bed breathing shallowly as you waited for your last breath.

I watched my mom do just this. She lived a full life before Alzheimer’s disease began to steal her abilities to continue to be a loving person dedicated to her family. A loving family, successful career, beautiful home and amazing marriage had been dreams fulfilled. If a painting by a master artist could have portrayed her life it would have been a treasured masterpiece. No one would have allowed it to be hung where the sun could cause it to fade away.

Then this horrific disease, Alzheimer’s, caused her memories to fade We were left straining to hold on to all we could about her laugh, her smirk of a smile, her little love pats she gave the grandchildren and even her fear of mice. Many days I long to just hear her voice.

I know that she loved God and that he was her comfort in her final years. Hymns playing in her room brought peace. When we prayed, she would squeeze my hand. Even though she didn’t recognize me as her daughter, she knew we belonged together.

Perhaps every child of a parent with Alzheimer’s disease has a little nagging thought of getting this disease. I know that I do. Just last night I was in a booth with other volunteers for our city’s First Friday event. We were distributing pamplets about Alzheimer’s and related dementias. We were letting people know about our upcoming symposium for caregivers. Each of our group is experienced personally and professionaly with the burden caregivers carry.

We had a few people stop and talk. We had many slow down, look over our materials and quickly turn away. We watched as spouses walked past guiding their husband or wife through the crowd. At the end of the evening, all of us knew that many who had passed our booth are already showing signs of cognitive decline. This made me even more aware of how prevalent it is.

That nagging fear of knowing that could be me sometime tried to surface. I refuse to live my life controlled by this fear. I want to live a full life engaging with friends and family as often as I can.

I choose to exercise my body and mind while making healthy food choices. I choose to trust God with my future. The following scripture is my verse I choose to stand in faith on.

Isaiah 46:4

I will be your God throughout your lifetime— until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.

My soul will be saved when my body fades whether that is mentally or physically. None of us live forever on this earth. When we face trouble and suffering, we often complain that life is not fair. Only God sees the complete picture. We have to trust that his plan is for our best.

Word for Today

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

You amaze me when I watch you order my steps and give me peace of mind when those steps are challenging. I trust in you when fear tries to come in. I know that you have an army of angels that surround me. The trials here do not compare to the glory I will see one day when I stand at your feet and you open my eyes to your plan. Give me strength and hope as I trust in you.

Amen

God Does Not Forget

We lose hope, get worn out, become discouarged and forget we cannot do it all. Our frustration snowballs into a large mound of guilt and helplessness when we cannot penetrate into the mind and soul of a loved one who is trapped. They live in a body with a mind that can no longer express itself. We can try to meet them but only God can go there sometimes.

God has known our loved me since knitting them together in their mother’s womb. He knows their heart and soul. His spirt can penetrate through the fog and reach them.

I have sat in my mom’s room when all she could do was moan and groan. It felt as if a knife was stabbing me in the heart. The only way I could stay with her was knowing the God was with us.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Romans 8:26

God’s spirit not only groaned with mom, but God hears our groaning.

Exodus 2:24

God heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob.

Exodus 6:5

Moreover, I have heard the groaning of the Israelites, whom the Egyptians are enslaving, and I have remembered my covenant.

We are living in a time when groaning is slipping from all of our lips. Life here is winding down and we are seeking an eternal home. The bible tells us the following:

Romans 8:22

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.

I do believe that my mom was looking to heaven. Perhaps her groaning was her crying out to God to welcome her home. This brought me peace on the days there I hurt the most.

My husband and I have been traveling over the last couple of weeks. During our travels God allowed us to meet random people who mentioned they had just lost a grandfather to Alzheimer’s or were living with a uncle who has Lewy Body disease. This was at an outdoor homestead expo. As we talked a small group gathered around us and joined in. Most of them either had a family member with Alzheimer’s or had lost someone close to them who had dementia. The phrase we heard again and again was that God is the only way they got through this.

Later, we attended a wedding. There was a memory table with photos and Bibles that had belonged to the couple’s grandparents. I looked at these and knew how much these grandparents loved their grandchildren and modeled a life of love for them. I looked at the pic of my mom and dad and hoped God could let them see a glimpse from heaven of their growing family. As much as I would have loved to have them with us, I had rather know they were in heaven where disease and age not longer caused them to groan.

As you continue to serve as a caregiver, know that God is with you on the good days and the toughest of days. He will never abandon you or your loved one. We can continue on in His strength until one day when God hears all of our groanings and calls us home.

Have a blessed day filled with peace and comfort.

Word for Today

2 Corinthians 1:3

God Offers Comfort to All

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for the peace and comfort only you can bring. Thank you for hearing the groaning and cries from our heart when the pain hits hard. When we feel helpless, you step in. You understand our pain because you sent your son to die on a cross for us. We look forward to the day you call all of us away from the suffering and pain. Give us courage to carry on until then.

Amen

A Grateful Heart

“God’s grace is the bridge that carries us from our brokenness to His wholeness.”

When you love deeply, you risk facing brokenness. As a caregiver you dig deep into your well of love to shower on someone else. That love is not always recipocated or recieved. The bible talks about wells that were dug. The enemies of Abraham filled the wells with dirt. Later when wells were dug, others claimed the wells as theirs. God has always provided when the enemy attempts to destroy. The deep well of your love is critical to guard from the enemies attacks so the love pouring out of it is pure and refreshing to others.

A crack in your heart begins the first time a family member shows behaviors toward you that you never have seen before. A kind and generous father may become angry and say and do things that you never thought you would see. Your childhood hero has transformed into a demanding and selfish person. Keep in mind that your hero is still there. A nasty disease has reared it’s ugly head. You have to allow God to sew a stitch in the crack of your heart and reach deeper to love while you yourself are hurting. I know that as I have hand stictched the binding onto quilts for each of my grandchildren I thought of them and prayed for their lives. Imagine the grace and love God is stitching into your heart with each stitch He sews.

As Alzheimer’s progresses you will see a person’s life going in reverse. I was watching a parent become incontinent at the same time a grandchild was being potty trained. With the grandchild, it was exciting. First steps toward independence were being taken. We would assist as they mastered their new skill. Cheering them on was fun as we saw their excitement. Assisting a parent or spouse brought sadness as their independence was being stolen away. You tried to preserve their dignity. You went shopping for depends with a sadness inside.

Sitting by my mom’s side and spooning yogurt into her mouth was done with vast amounts of love. We had now truly reversed roles. My heart was filled with gratitude for the woman who had tended to my needs for so many years. The memories I had were not always wonderful, but thanking God for the great ones and forgiving for the few ones that were not so good allowed me to heal. A healed heart and a grateful heart hold so much more to be poured out. God sewed the gaping hole together so I could pour love more freely.

I was at my dad’s side when he grew confused. He had oxygen tubing in and was irritated by it. I reached to adjust the tube after he removed it. He grabbed both of my wrists and cursed. I calmly reassured him that I would take it off for a while and then exited the room. My heart was breaking because I had never experienced that behavior or heard those words come from his mouth before. A protective relative followed me out. She was quite angry at my dad. Tearfully, I told her this was not my dad. This was a man whose cognitive decline were acting and speaking. God had allowed me to keep loving my dad as if this event had never happened. God had reenforced the stitched seams as the event unfolded.

A day will come when someone looks you in the eye and doesn’t know who you are anymore. That is when it feels like your heart rips in half. It hurts intensely as the hard truth sinks in. You may have to retreat to a quiet place for God to heal your heart and then recover slowly. Day by day you will feel strengthened as you pray and rest in God’s peace. His Intensive Care Unit is outstanding. When you exit and are ready to face the task at hand, you will have a grateful heart filled with overflowing love once more.

Day by day God will hold your heart in his hands.

Word for Today

Colossians 3:16

Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

You amaze me with your healing and forgiveness. Teach me to forgive when others misunderstand or reject my love. I am guilty of wanting to quit loving as deeply as you ask of me when I am hurting. Tenderly hold me and restore me so that I can pour love out to those who are depending on me to meet their needs. I want to serve with a heart of gratitude.

Amen

When the Dam Breaks

Today you will learn a bit more about me and my caregiving journey. The photo above is of a dam near my home. There is a history about it that I am sharing to help you better understand my own story.

According to my research over 50 men died during the construction of the dam. A local business has photos taken during the construction and stories I heard from family were that a few of the men fell and were buried in concrete.

The Wilson Dam was constructed in between 1918 and 1924. The shoals on the Tennessee river were difficult to navigate; hence,the dam was an attempt to tame the river. Today it produces power for the Tennessee valley. Families travel over the dam, power their homes and enjoy water activites without knowing the price some men paid.

I realized one day that I too had built a dam to try to control the turbulent emotions that being a caregiver had produced in me. To be strong, I buried pain and grief so that I could be an effective and loving caregiver. My mom had Alzheimer’s. It hurt me to the core watching her fade away. I was hurting so badly that I didn’t even realize that my dad was losing some cognitive ground as well. There was not enough time to process the changes. I shoved the fear, anxiety and heartache aside on the days that I didn’t take time to lay it at God’s feet.

When my mom died, I was not overcome with debilating grief. Dad needed me and I thought that the gradual grief that occurred as I lost bits and pieces of my mom must have left few tears to shed. Then my dad passed and I felt grief, but it still seemed like a wave of extreme grief would hit but it didn’t immediately.

Time passed and tsunami waves did begin to wash over me. Life isn’t always easy, so I shook the water off until other situations in life rattled me. I thought I was doing better and that I had given things to God.

One day out of the blue, a trigger hit. The patches I had applied to the dam could only last so long. When the dam broke, I broke. All of the stuffed emotions rolled over me. As I gasped for air, God used my husband to hold me and just let me cry.

Have any of you been building a dam to hold back your river of emotions? Many of you are dealing with unforgiveness over things in your past. Some of you have regrets that you didn’t choose to lay some things aside and make visiting your loved one a priority. Perhaps you live in fear of getting a terminal illness yourself. Do words run through your head that you wished you had said?

If your loved one is still alive, go and take care of things hidden in your dam. If you feel the stress and see fractures in your dam, find a place to hide and let emotions go. God is a great listener. A friend of mine felt like a pressure cooker and felt she had no place to let off stem. She visited the ocean and slipped out for an early morning walk on the beach. With no one in sight, she faced the ocean and yelled. The ocean sounds covered her voice, but she walked in peace.

Burying your emotions is only a very temporary solution. I understand that you have to be strong until a crisis is over. I encourage you to monitor your emotions. You will reach a point of needing to let steam off. Find a friend you trust and talk it out. Do not be guilty of allowing your spiritual, physical and mental health to suffer. I ignored a health issue for way too long, almost too long. Unusual circumstances happened in the year that my mom passed away. I had to slow down long enough to address a health issue. A surgery and biopsy revealed cancer cells that were caught just in time.

Grief can ease as we replace it with thankfulness for having a person in our lives that we were so blessed to have known. God has healed my heart in a way that no person could. I still miss my parents intensely.

Word for Today

The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. Zephaniah 17:3

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

I praise you that you are a refuge I can run to when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. You are faithful to bear the load I carry. There are days when I understand the outpouring of psalms that David wrote. They are often extreme words of thanksgiving or sobs of a broken heart. You hear my words that flow from me.

Heal and restore me so that I can continue on. Touch my tired body. Renew my confused mind. Give me hope as I face trials. When I am guilty of hiding my emotions, you are searching my heart and waiting for me to simply pour it out to you.

Thank you for loving me.

Amen

Kitchen Table Talks

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

Eleanor Roosevelt

The past week has been filled with old friends, new friends and family. Some of the days were carefully planned and others were unexpected occurances. Close freinds came for a brief visit of a few days. We hugged, shared meals, laughed and took them sightseeing in our area. One of them is struggling with his mother’s care. He goes to visit her often, but feels guilty that his sister is bearing most of the load. My husband and I listened and shared advice. Our hearts truly felt his pain.

On one of our adventures we met a couple who struck up a conversation. The lady voluntered that she had recently lost her mother to Alzheimer’s. She was generally surprised to learn that I lead a support group and wanted more information.

After our friends left, I heard a knock at the door. Our neighor had dropped by to escape his home for a few minutes. Tension was high and he needed to escape. His elderly mom has moved in with him and his wife works in a stressful job from home. That in itself may have some of you nodding your heads. We have all had days that we needed a little escape. Finding a safe place to do that can prove to be difficult. He felt safe enough that he found an excuse to drop by later in the week to let us know things were better.

Last night my brother-in-law came over for dinner. After eating, we settled in our family room to talk. Eventually, he had questions about dementia and wanted to know how to help a friend. He has experiece from dealing with his mom and was well aware that symtoms can vary.

You may find yourself interacting with a caregiver who needs a listening ear, word of encouragement, practical advice or prayer. These moments often happen in unexpected circumstances or times. Maybe you are the caregiver needing that for yourself. My prayer is that God continues to direct paths to cross on this journey. I know I have been in both positions and have been so fulfilled when friendships have developed along the way.

Have a blessed day and trust God to send someone your way to comfort you or for you to comfort.

Word for Today

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Song for Today

Flashback song to make you smile

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for always knowing how fragile I am at times and sending someone my way. Thank you for the friends I have made along the caregiving journey. Touch their hearts today as you have touched mine.

Amen

Tag…You Are It!

I always felt handicapped when on the playground as a child. My height as a full grown adult is only five feet. Most people run faster because their stride is longer. That feeling continues off the playground. On a vacation several years ago we were walking through Vancouver Cananda. Everyone in the group except me was 6 feet tall. Their casual stroll was a fast paced walk for me trying to keep up. After a long morning of sightseeing and a lunch in Chinatown, I found a bench and instructed them to continue on, I would wait for them and join the group later. They were frustrated and urged me to keep walking. I refused. I was exhausted.

Many times when a family member is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, everyone panics and wants to run before they are tagged it as the caregiver. When we face uncertainty or a complex situation, we all find excuses. This is not uncommon or new.

Long ago a man named Gideon was hiding while grinding wheat. A group of people known as the Midianites had tormented the Israelites. They raided their fields, animals and land. The Israelites cried out to God for help. Gideon was simply hiding in a winepress and grinding wheat when an angel appeared. The angel told Gideon to gather an army to fight the Midianites. Gideon had an excuse. He responded, “my clan is the weakest, and I am the least of my family”.

We may feel the same way Gideon did, inadequate and a little fearful. We use many excuses such as ” I am too busy to take care of mom” or “she has always like you best so you would be better doing this”. What we are really saying is that this is going to be too hard for me. Tag someone else for caregiver.

God had a word for GIdeon. It was simple and plain but spoken in truth. “I will be with you” is what Gideon heard. As an experienced caregiver I can attest to that statement. God showed up each and every day on my journey.

While there are a vast number of books, training and podcasts for caregivers, they can only prepare and advise you from other people’s experience and knowledge. Every case of Alheizmer’s is different. Every day may even be different. I understand why you want to run away.

God was my guide on the journey of caregiving.

When I was traveling 6 hours each way God allowed me to find still waters. (Psalm 23:2)

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

When I had to make difficult decisions He lead me to the right one. (Psalm 25:9)

He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

When I floundered God sustained me and still does. (Psalm 54:4)

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

When my parents and In-laws passed away God comforted me. (Psalm 23:4)

Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

When people suggested I was not doing things right God reassured me. (Psalm 73:24)

You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

When criticism and judgements became harsh God whispered in my ear. (Isaiah 30:21)

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

When the long nights of feeling helpless kept me awake God calmed me. (Isaiah 42:16)

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
    along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
    and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
    I will not forsake them.

God didn’t send me an actual angel like Gideon had, but he used people who lended themselves to be God’s servants. Cards came in the mail. A stranger knocked on my dad’s door with a bouquet of flowers. A nurse found a quiet place in the emergency room to pray for me. A neighbor brought our dinner. Friends prayed, laughed and cried with me. My amazing husband walked each step of the way with me.

In parting, I readily admit that there were times when I longed for someone to slow down enough for me to tag them and say “tag, you are it”. Those thoughts were fleeting because I know what an honor it was to walk my parents to their final home in heaven. If you have been tagged, remember that God is with you.

Wondering what happened to Gideon? It is a really cool story. Dust off your Bible and read Judges 6 and 7. It definitely is reassuring to know when you get tagged by God, He goes to battle with you.

Word for Today

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. Psalm 54:4

Song for Today I just couldn’t resist reminding you of other battles God fought.

Prayer for Today

God,

I am not sure why I have been chosen to be a caregiver. Humbled I come to you as my guide. Give me courage, patience and compasssion. Equip me for the journey and walk beside me each step of the way.

Amen

Men Fix Things

Today I am addressing the men who are caregivers. Most men by nature are fixers. Give them a problem and they immediately begin making plans to fix the problem. Sometimes they don’t even stop to listen to the fine print details you need to express to them.

I am married to one of those men. He is amazing, He truly is a jack of all trades. He has a shop full of tools. He has backups for backups when it comes to being prepared. Now that you tube is available, he keeps expanding his knowledge. While I am inside writing, he is outside repairing pvc pipes on our rain catchment system.

I could continue to expound upon how much money we have saved because he doesn’t need to call a repairman. Having said all of this, even he had to face reality when he was caring for his mom with vascular dementia. He simply could not fix things for her. There were days that I observed as he applied every tool in his caregiver toolbox. He proofreads my blog. He listens to my lessons when I teach. He hears me counseling caregivers on the phone. He attends seminars with me. He has a vast amount of knowledge in this area. There are days that no tool works. You have to accept that it is in God’s hands and just be present and show love in any way you can.

Women, we face days that we just can’t fix it as well. I felt like a complete failure one day at my mother-in-law’s side while she was determined to get out of her hospital bed. She was a serious fall risk and was struggling with me as I blocked her way while calling for assistance. The dementia began to speak loud and clear in words I had never heard from her. She was kicking, shoving and doing her best to win this battle. She yelled this to me “you are the most demanding person I have ever met”. Instead of biting my tongue, I exhaustedly replied. “no, you are”.

Nurses arrived and I excused myself from the room and dissolved into tears. I tell all of you to remain calm and compassionate. There are times that it is very difficult. I knew she had always been used to getting her way. I didn’t expect the dementia to make determination her super power.

Men and women struggle. There will be days when you feel helpless and frustated. You have ridden and emotional rollercoaster that just never seems to stop. The ups and downs, the twists and turns have left you exhausted and hurting. You finally collapse into bed and tears fall. This is not the end. You must get up and go again tomorrow. The only thing I found that allowed me to keep going was to place the person I could not fix into God’s hands and then climb into those same hands so God could comfort both of us.

Each day of caregiving brings surprises through hearing words come out of a loved one’s mouth that shock you or losing your loved one who slipped out the door. Objects in your home may decide to hide in new places. A shoe may show up in the refrigerator. You are left with a choice to make. Try to correct the behavior or accept that today has brought a new adventure. Word of advice offered here. Trying to correct the new behavior is the wrong choice!

The only thing we can truly fix is our own reactions to the behaviors. If all dad will eat is ice cream, let him eat ice cream and try healthier choices later. If your wife refuses a bath, try again tomorrow. Choose your battles.

Word for Today

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

It has been one of those weeks where I tried to do things in my own wisdom and power. I so want to fix the behaviors and changes in my loved one. My heart is filled with pain while I mess things up and sit idly by. I need you to take control and give me the faith and peace to trust in you being in control.

Give me strength when I feel weak. I thank you for hloding me together when I feel as if I am faling apart.

Amen

When My Plan Doesn’t Work

While working on building projects with my husband, I learned the importance of fine tuning as we go. Measure twice and cut once. Check for levelness and squareness. Hold your breath when trimming with paint. Wear your grubby clothes. Use a drop cloth. Have a shop vac handy. Having the right tools is also vital. Hand planers, levels and safety glasses are always nearby for when we need them. The finished product is well worth the effort and time spent. You watched a plan come together and smiled at the finished product.

If only caregiving worked the same way! You can plan, carry out the plan and then find there is no fine tuning that can make life turn out as you thought it should. You cannot just sand off the edges when raw emotions erupt into anger and frustration. The breakfast you lovingly prepared because your spouse seemed to enjoy it immensely yesterday is pushed aside and they refuse to eat. You shopped for a few new shirts and your husband refuses to wear anything except the one he has worn for three days.

I found a book from my senior year of high schoool. The five year plan I set for myself was to go to college and get married. I check that one off. The ten year plan was to buy a house and have children. Check again! Then life happened fast and furious. Before I knew it the kids were off to college and our nest was empty.

We had a flurry of weddings and grandchildren. All was going according to what I had expected. Then I noticed my mom just wasn’t herself. My heart was gripped with the words Alzhiemer’s Disease. Caregiving was not in my plan for many years down the road. I couldn’t push the schedule back. Adjustments had to be made quickly. For the early years of the caregiving journey, frequent visits, prepping meals for the freezer to help dad, taking care of doctor visits, monitoring finances online and hiring help for my parents worked.

My time was being split between my parent’s home 6 hours from mine and my own home. Trips to visit grandchildren became less frequent. We made a couple of major adjustments. We moved near our grandchildren and my husband was able to work from home and travel with me. This cut my trip to 3 1/2 hours each way.

In the end, my parents were both declining. I moved them to an assisted living and nursing home close to me. Visits were then daily. My mom was in end stage with Alzheimer’s and my dad struggled with mini strokes, diabetes and incontinence.

I know that I never had to provide full 24 hour care like many of you do every day. I do know my mind was always questioning things. Did I give my husband enough time? What am I missing out on with my children and grandchildren? Did I leave food prepared and clothes washed for my husband and my parents? How many more hours do I have to fight traffic? When is the next doctor’s appointment? It felt like I was on one of those round spinning wheels we used to play on as a child. I had run around and around and then hopped on to ride. Grasping tightly to the metal bar, I held on so I wouldn’t fall off.

In the midst of my trying to plan for whatever happened, I came to realize I could not plan for all of the twist and turns ahead. I had to trust God with the plan. I had to let Him fine tune and adjust me for things to work. He then held me tightly so the ride of life would not throw me off.

Some of you have feelings of guilt and inadequacies. Recently I read another blog for caregivers. A caregiver felt like a failure. When asked why, her response will make you smile. She failed to give her husband a daily bath. Wow! I consider one every third day a success. You make great plans, but life as a caergiver shows you they don’t always work. Continue to plan but have several backup plans as well. Trust God to guide you and hold you tight.

Word for Today

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I humble myself and ask for you to move the mountains that I cannot move. I will rest in your arms and let you hold me close while I witness your work in my situations.

Amen