Tag…You Are It!

I always felt handicapped when on the playground as a child. My height as a full grown adult is only five feet. Most people run faster because their stride is longer. That feeling continues off the playground. On a vacation several years ago we were walking through Vancouver Cananda. Everyone in the group except me was 6 feet tall. Their casual stroll was a fast paced walk for me trying to keep up. After a long morning of sightseeing and a lunch in Chinatown, I found a bench and instructed them to continue on, I would wait for them and join the group later. They were frustrated and urged me to keep walking. I refused. I was exhausted.

Many times when a family member is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, everyone panics and wants to run before they are tagged it as the caregiver. When we face uncertainty or a complex situation, we all find excuses. This is not uncommon or new.

Long ago a man named Gideon was hiding while grinding wheat. A group of people known as the Midianites had tormented the Israelites. They raided their fields, animals and land. The Israelites cried out to God for help. Gideon was simply hiding in a winepress and grinding wheat when an angel appeared. The angel told Gideon to gather an army to fight the Midianites. Gideon had an excuse. He responded, “my clan is the weakest, and I am the least of my family”.

We may feel the same way Gideon did, inadequate and a little fearful. We use many excuses such as ” I am too busy to take care of mom” or “she has always like you best so you would be better doing this”. What we are really saying is that this is going to be too hard for me. Tag someone else for caregiver.

God had a word for GIdeon. It was simple and plain but spoken in truth. “I will be with you” is what Gideon heard. As an experienced caregiver I can attest to that statement. God showed up each and every day on my journey.

While there are a vast number of books, training and podcasts for caregivers, they can only prepare and advise you from other people’s experience and knowledge. Every case of Alheizmer’s is different. Every day may even be different. I understand why you want to run away.

God was my guide on the journey of caregiving.

When I was traveling 6 hours each way God allowed me to find still waters. (Psalm 23:2)

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

When I had to make difficult decisions He lead me to the right one. (Psalm 25:9)

He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

When I floundered God sustained me and still does. (Psalm 54:4)

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

When my parents and In-laws passed away God comforted me. (Psalm 23:4)

Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

When people suggested I was not doing things right God reassured me. (Psalm 73:24)

You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

When criticism and judgements became harsh God whispered in my ear. (Isaiah 30:21)

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

When the long nights of feeling helpless kept me awake God calmed me. (Isaiah 42:16)

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
    along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
    and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
    I will not forsake them.

God didn’t send me an actual angel like Gideon had, but he used people who lended themselves to be God’s servants. Cards came in the mail. A stranger knocked on my dad’s door with a bouquet of flowers. A nurse found a quiet place in the emergency room to pray for me. A neighbor brought our dinner. Friends prayed, laughed and cried with me. My amazing husband walked each step of the way with me.

In parting, I readily admit that there were times when I longed for someone to slow down enough for me to tag them and say “tag, you are it”. Those thoughts were fleeting because I know what an honor it was to walk my parents to their final home in heaven. If you have been tagged, remember that God is with you.

Wondering what happened to Gideon? It is a really cool story. Dust off your Bible and read Judges 6 and 7. It definitely is reassuring to know when you get tagged by God, He goes to battle with you.

Word for Today

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. Psalm 54:4

Song for Today I just couldn’t resist reminding you of other battles God fought.

Prayer for Today

God,

I am not sure why I have been chosen to be a caregiver. Humbled I come to you as my guide. Give me courage, patience and compasssion. Equip me for the journey and walk beside me each step of the way.

Amen

Men Fix Things

Today I am addressing the men who are caregivers. Most men by nature are fixers. Give them a problem and they immediately begin making plans to fix the problem. Sometimes they don’t even stop to listen to the fine print details you need to express to them.

I am married to one of those men. He is amazing, He truly is a jack of all trades. He has a shop full of tools. He has backups for backups when it comes to being prepared. Now that you tube is available, he keeps expanding his knowledge. While I am inside writing, he is outside repairing pvc pipes on our rain catchment system.

I could continue to expound upon how much money we have saved because he doesn’t need to call a repairman. Having said all of this, even he had to face reality when he was caring for his mom with vascular dementia. He simply could not fix things for her. There were days that I observed as he applied every tool in his caregiver toolbox. He proofreads my blog. He listens to my lessons when I teach. He hears me counseling caregivers on the phone. He attends seminars with me. He has a vast amount of knowledge in this area. There are days that no tool works. You have to accept that it is in God’s hands and just be present and show love in any way you can.

Women, we face days that we just can’t fix it as well. I felt like a complete failure one day at my mother-in-law’s side while she was determined to get out of her hospital bed. She was a serious fall risk and was struggling with me as I blocked her way while calling for assistance. The dementia began to speak loud and clear in words I had never heard from her. She was kicking, shoving and doing her best to win this battle. She yelled this to me “you are the most demanding person I have ever met”. Instead of biting my tongue, I exhaustedly replied. “no, you are”.

Nurses arrived and I excused myself from the room and dissolved into tears. I tell all of you to remain calm and compassionate. There are times that it is very difficult. I knew she had always been used to getting her way. I didn’t expect the dementia to make determination her super power.

Men and women struggle. There will be days when you feel helpless and frustated. You have ridden and emotional rollercoaster that just never seems to stop. The ups and downs, the twists and turns have left you exhausted and hurting. You finally collapse into bed and tears fall. This is not the end. You must get up and go again tomorrow. The only thing I found that allowed me to keep going was to place the person I could not fix into God’s hands and then climb into those same hands so God could comfort both of us.

Each day of caregiving brings surprises through hearing words come out of a loved one’s mouth that shock you or losing your loved one who slipped out the door. Objects in your home may decide to hide in new places. A shoe may show up in the refrigerator. You are left with a choice to make. Try to correct the behavior or accept that today has brought a new adventure. Word of advice offered here. Trying to correct the new behavior is the wrong choice!

The only thing we can truly fix is our own reactions to the behaviors. If all dad will eat is ice cream, let him eat ice cream and try healthier choices later. If your wife refuses a bath, try again tomorrow. Choose your battles.

Word for Today

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

It has been one of those weeks where I tried to do things in my own wisdom and power. I so want to fix the behaviors and changes in my loved one. My heart is filled with pain while I mess things up and sit idly by. I need you to take control and give me the faith and peace to trust in you being in control.

Give me strength when I feel weak. I thank you for hloding me together when I feel as if I am faling apart.

Amen

When My Plan Doesn’t Work

While working on building projects with my husband, I learned the importance of fine tuning as we go. Measure twice and cut once. Check for levelness and squareness. Hold your breath when trimming with paint. Wear your grubby clothes. Use a drop cloth. Have a shop vac handy. Having the right tools is also vital. Hand planers, levels and safety glasses are always nearby for when we need them. The finished product is well worth the effort and time spent. You watched a plan come together and smiled at the finished product.

If only caregiving worked the same way! You can plan, carry out the plan and then find there is no fine tuning that can make life turn out as you thought it should. You cannot just sand off the edges when raw emotions erupt into anger and frustration. The breakfast you lovingly prepared because your spouse seemed to enjoy it immensely yesterday is pushed aside and they refuse to eat. You shopped for a few new shirts and your husband refuses to wear anything except the one he has worn for three days.

I found a book from my senior year of high schoool. The five year plan I set for myself was to go to college and get married. I check that one off. The ten year plan was to buy a house and have children. Check again! Then life happened fast and furious. Before I knew it the kids were off to college and our nest was empty.

We had a flurry of weddings and grandchildren. All was going according to what I had expected. Then I noticed my mom just wasn’t herself. My heart was gripped with the words Alzhiemer’s Disease. Caregiving was not in my plan for many years down the road. I couldn’t push the schedule back. Adjustments had to be made quickly. For the early years of the caregiving journey, frequent visits, prepping meals for the freezer to help dad, taking care of doctor visits, monitoring finances online and hiring help for my parents worked.

My time was being split between my parent’s home 6 hours from mine and my own home. Trips to visit grandchildren became less frequent. We made a couple of major adjustments. We moved near our grandchildren and my husband was able to work from home and travel with me. This cut my trip to 3 1/2 hours each way.

In the end, my parents were both declining. I moved them to an assisted living and nursing home close to me. Visits were then daily. My mom was in end stage with Alzheimer’s and my dad struggled with mini strokes, diabetes and incontinence.

I know that I never had to provide full 24 hour care like many of you do every day. I do know my mind was always questioning things. Did I give my husband enough time? What am I missing out on with my children and grandchildren? Did I leave food prepared and clothes washed for my husband and my parents? How many more hours do I have to fight traffic? When is the next doctor’s appointment? It felt like I was on one of those round spinning wheels we used to play on as a child. I had run around and around and then hopped on to ride. Grasping tightly to the metal bar, I held on so I wouldn’t fall off.

In the midst of my trying to plan for whatever happened, I came to realize I could not plan for all of the twist and turns ahead. I had to trust God with the plan. I had to let Him fine tune and adjust me for things to work. He then held me tightly so the ride of life would not throw me off.

Some of you have feelings of guilt and inadequacies. Recently I read another blog for caregivers. A caregiver felt like a failure. When asked why, her response will make you smile. She failed to give her husband a daily bath. Wow! I consider one every third day a success. You make great plans, but life as a caergiver shows you they don’t always work. Continue to plan but have several backup plans as well. Trust God to guide you and hold you tight.

Word for Today

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I humble myself and ask for you to move the mountains that I cannot move. I will rest in your arms and let you hold me close while I witness your work in my situations.

Amen