Tag: faith

Caregiver Anger

Anger is real. How you react is what matters the most. It is not always a person that makes you angry. It can be the disease itself. It can be insurance companies, Medicare, Medicaid or the medical community. You can be angry at the person you care for. You can be angry with friends and family that don’t help carry the load. You can be angry with yourself because you feel like a lousy caregiver.

Anger is normal and can be expected when facing circumstances that are out of your control. You may be as fearful as you are angry. It would be a good idea to write a list of who and what you are angry about. No one has to see this list, however, you may feel better expressing your angry and asking yourself if any of the people or things you are angry about can be changed.

If there is a way to safely address this list, in a calm manner talk with who you need to. If there is not a way to change circumstances, ask God to help you accept this. Ask yourself what triggered this episode of anger and what condition you were in when it happened.

Physical and mental fatigue are very likely culprits when you are easily angered. Getting enough sleep may mean napping when the one you take care of naps. I can remember being pregnant with my second child. I had an active one year old. When she took a nap, I napped with her so I could be patient and loving instead of grumpy and tired.

Eat healthy. Keep fruit and vegetables handy for you and the one you care for to grab when hungry. Use the crockpot or instant pot to prepare meals on busy days.

Go for a walk. Take time to enjoy nature.

Listen to your favorite music.

Pray.

Step away from a stressful situation and simply breathe a few slow breaths.

Address the fears you have. This may mean preparing for the what if moments before they happen. I knew my mother had Alzheimer’s and it was prgressive and eventually fatal. When my dad was unable to take care of her, I researched memory care assisted living facilities and put her name on the waiting list of those I liked. I did this in their city and in the city I lived in. This was because I knew that should dad pass away, I would have to move mom to me.

Financial and legal planning took place early on in my family. My brother and I were involved together with our parents. We never had to worry about them losing their home. We understood their medical directives. Deal with these items now, not later.

Learn to appreciate help when you can get it. Keeping a grateful attitude is better than simmering in resentment when help is not given.

If there is any pain in your past relationship with the one you care for, please find a way to forgive when you can no longer have a meaninful conversation with them. Forgiveness opens room in your heart for love, compassion and kindness. Forgive siblings or children who don’t step up to the plate and assist you. Focus on making the most of the time you have because you did step up to the plate.

Lastly, forgive yourself. This is the toughest job you will ever encounter. There is a learning curve and you will get better each day. When fear and anger try to overshadow the goodness, try to take the thoughts captive before they grow out of control. Trust God to give you peace.

Word for Today

Ephesians 4:26

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

God,

Thank you for giving me emotions. Sometimes I get frustrated and allow them to overwhelm me. Help me to stop and reflect on how my actions could hurt others. Help me to trust you to handle the people and circumstances that I cannot control. Guide me to take peaceful actions rather than lash out. Heal my heart from hurts and fears so that I can love the way I should.

Amen

Life With a Diminished Brain

Today I read a prompt to write about what life without a computer would be like. Immediately, I thought about what life would be like without a fully functioning brain. If I had no computer, I could find a work around. As a child I researched by reading real books. I wrote with pen and paper. Truly, being without a computer would simply be a huge inconvenience.

Trying to live my life with a diminished or diseased brain is extremely frightening. Just imagine losing your ability to control your own life day by day, then year by year. The lose of dignity and independence would feel as if you were in a small room with the walls and ceiling closing in on you. Eventually, you would be lying in a bed breathing shallowly as you waited for your last breath.

I watched my mom do just this. She lived a full life before Alzheimer’s disease began to steal her abilities to continue to be a loving person dedicated to her family. A loving family, successful career, beautiful home and amazing marriage had been dreams fulfilled. If a painting by a master artist could have portrayed her life it would have been a treasured masterpiece. No one would have allowed it to be hung where the sun could cause it to fade away.

Then this horrific disease, Alzheimer’s, caused her memories to fade We were left straining to hold on to all we could about her laugh, her smirk of a smile, her little love pats she gave the grandchildren and even her fear of mice. Many days I long to just hear her voice.

I know that she loved God and that he was her comfort in her final years. Hymns playing in her room brought peace. When we prayed, she would squeeze my hand. Even though she didn’t recognize me as her daughter, she knew we belonged together.

Perhaps every child of a parent with Alzheimer’s disease has a little nagging thought of getting this disease. I know that I do. Just last night I was in a booth with other volunteers for our city’s First Friday event. We were distributing pamplets about Alzheimer’s and related dementias. We were letting people know about our upcoming symposium for caregivers. Each of our group is experienced personally and professionaly with the burden caregivers carry.

We had a few people stop and talk. We had many slow down, look over our materials and quickly turn away. We watched as spouses walked past guiding their husband or wife through the crowd. At the end of the evening, all of us knew that many who had passed our booth are already showing signs of cognitive decline. This made me even more aware of how prevalent it is.

That nagging fear of knowing that could be me sometime tried to surface. I refuse to live my life controlled by this fear. I want to live a full life engaging with friends and family as often as I can.

I choose to exercise my body and mind while making healthy food choices. I choose to trust God with my future. The following scripture is my verse I choose to stand in faith on.

Isaiah 46:4

I will be your God throughout your lifetime— until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.

My soul will be saved when my body fades whether that is mentally or physically. None of us live forever on this earth. When we face trouble and suffering, we often complain that life is not fair. Only God sees the complete picture. We have to trust that his plan is for our best.

Word for Today

 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

You amaze me when I watch you order my steps and give me peace of mind when those steps are challenging. I trust in you when fear tries to come in. I know that you have an army of angels that surround me. The trials here do not compare to the glory I will see one day when I stand at your feet and you open my eyes to your plan. Give me strength and hope as I trust in you.

Amen

God Does Not Forget

We lose hope, get worn out, become discouarged and forget we cannot do it all. Our frustration snowballs into a large mound of guilt and helplessness when we cannot penetrate into the mind and soul of a loved one who is trapped. They live in a body with a mind that can no longer express itself. We can try to meet them but only God can go there sometimes.

God has known our loved me since knitting them together in their mother’s womb. He knows their heart and soul. His spirt can penetrate through the fog and reach them.

I have sat in my mom’s room when all she could do was moan and groan. It felt as if a knife was stabbing me in the heart. The only way I could stay with her was knowing the God was with us.

 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Romans 8:26

God’s spirit not only groaned with mom, but God hears our groaning.

Exodus 2:24

God heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob.

Exodus 6:5

Moreover, I have heard the groaning of the Israelites, whom the Egyptians are enslaving, and I have remembered my covenant.

We are living in a time when groaning is slipping from all of our lips. Life here is winding down and we are seeking an eternal home. The bible tells us the following:

Romans 8:22

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.

I do believe that my mom was looking to heaven. Perhaps her groaning was her crying out to God to welcome her home. This brought me peace on the days there I hurt the most.

My husband and I have been traveling over the last couple of weeks. During our travels God allowed us to meet random people who mentioned they had just lost a grandfather to Alzheimer’s or were living with a uncle who has Lewy Body disease. This was at an outdoor homestead expo. As we talked a small group gathered around us and joined in. Most of them either had a family member with Alzheimer’s or had lost someone close to them who had dementia. The phrase we heard again and again was that God is the only way they got through this.

Later, we attended a wedding. There was a memory table with photos and Bibles that had belonged to the couple’s grandparents. I looked at these and knew how much these grandparents loved their grandchildren and modeled a life of love for them. I looked at the pic of my mom and dad and hoped God could let them see a glimpse from heaven of their growing family. As much as I would have loved to have them with us, I had rather know they were in heaven where disease and age not longer caused them to groan.

As you continue to serve as a caregiver, know that God is with you on the good days and the toughest of days. He will never abandon you or your loved one. We can continue on in His strength until one day when God hears all of our groanings and calls us home.

Have a blessed day filled with peace and comfort.

Word for Today

2 Corinthians 1:3

God Offers Comfort to All

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for the peace and comfort only you can bring. Thank you for hearing the groaning and cries from our heart when the pain hits hard. When we feel helpless, you step in. You understand our pain because you sent your son to die on a cross for us. We look forward to the day you call all of us away from the suffering and pain. Give us courage to carry on until then.

Amen

Rediscovering Yourself After Caregiving

My husband and I are fencing acreage on our farm to raise sheep. After years of ministry and secular jobs, we are excited to begin this adventure. Many lessons have been learned as we served in churches and as our own family members caregivers. How did we decide that adding sheep would be the thing we both wanted to do?

Reflecting on the bible verses below helped us arrive at this decision.

Psalm 23:1

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” – Psalm 23:1

Isaiah 40:11

“He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.” – Isaiah 40:11

John 10:11

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” – John 10:11

Psalm 78:52

“But he brought his people out like a flock; he led them like sheep through the wilderness.” – Psalm 78:52

We both know that depending on God fully is the only way to live a life with peace. When we look out over the fields we will remember how God has been our good shepherd. We will shepherd our sheep and be grateful for all God has done for us.

Our goal is for our farm to be a place where people feel God’s peace and love. Visitors can sit on our porch or around the fire pit we plan to build and share life. Needs, hurts and heartaches will be discussed. Prayers will be prayed and we can share our story of God’s goodness and love.

I challenge you to look at the things you have laid aside to be a caregiver. Even if you are still a caregiver, you can evaluate where you are. What skills did you gain? What did you do well? What do you look forward to later?

For us, farming helps us slow down to rest and let our bodies and emotions heal from the 15 year marathon we ran taking care of our parents. We frequently pause now to watch sunsets, hummingbirds and butterflies. We listen to doves and quail. Our rogue rooster gets out and follows us like a puppy. Our hens gift us an abundance of eggs. We fish, garden, read, listen to music and breathe fresh air.

Writing is something I dreamed of doing as a child. Books were my friend. Finally, I am beginning to step into the waters as a writer. I enjoy teaching others about Alzheimer’s and how to be a caregiver. I have developed a deep love for connecting with people with Alzheimer’s disease.

Prior to being a caregiver there were several things I would never have believed. One was that I would love moving back to a country home. Two was that I have the confidence to lead. Three was that God would allow me to be tested with fire and come out safely on the other side. This leaves me assured that even unanswered prayers are heard by My Good Shepherd and He has a plan bigger and better than any I have ever had.

Trust God with the plan for your life. He is chiseling away rough edges. He is allowing pressure to shape you. You are a diamond that He is polishing. It hurts. It is lonely, but you are never truly alone. Sometimes God is silent, but He is there. One day on the other side of caregiving, you will understand what God was doing in you as you poured your life out to others.

God has a plan for the remainder of your life. Trust Him.

We will protect our sheep just as God protects us. Read the verses again and let your soul and faith be renewed.

Word for Today

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I praise you for being my shepherd. When I stumble and flounder around, you guide my steps. When I am afraid you are here. When I feel inadequate, you remind me that your strength is perfect. Humbly I follow you knowing that your path is the right one.

Amen

A Grateful Heart

“God’s grace is the bridge that carries us from our brokenness to His wholeness.”

When you love deeply, you risk facing brokenness. As a caregiver you dig deep into your well of love to shower on someone else. That love is not always recipocated or recieved. The bible talks about wells that were dug. The enemies of Abraham filled the wells with dirt. Later when wells were dug, others claimed the wells as theirs. God has always provided when the enemy attempts to destroy. The deep well of your love is critical to guard from the enemies attacks so the love pouring out of it is pure and refreshing to others.

A crack in your heart begins the first time a family member shows behaviors toward you that you never have seen before. A kind and generous father may become angry and say and do things that you never thought you would see. Your childhood hero has transformed into a demanding and selfish person. Keep in mind that your hero is still there. A nasty disease has reared it’s ugly head. You have to allow God to sew a stitch in the crack of your heart and reach deeper to love while you yourself are hurting. I know that as I have hand stictched the binding onto quilts for each of my grandchildren I thought of them and prayed for their lives. Imagine the grace and love God is stitching into your heart with each stitch He sews.

As Alzheimer’s progresses you will see a person’s life going in reverse. I was watching a parent become incontinent at the same time a grandchild was being potty trained. With the grandchild, it was exciting. First steps toward independence were being taken. We would assist as they mastered their new skill. Cheering them on was fun as we saw their excitement. Assisting a parent or spouse brought sadness as their independence was being stolen away. You tried to preserve their dignity. You went shopping for depends with a sadness inside.

Sitting by my mom’s side and spooning yogurt into her mouth was done with vast amounts of love. We had now truly reversed roles. My heart was filled with gratitude for the woman who had tended to my needs for so many years. The memories I had were not always wonderful, but thanking God for the great ones and forgiving for the few ones that were not so good allowed me to heal. A healed heart and a grateful heart hold so much more to be poured out. God sewed the gaping hole together so I could pour love more freely.

I was at my dad’s side when he grew confused. He had oxygen tubing in and was irritated by it. I reached to adjust the tube after he removed it. He grabbed both of my wrists and cursed. I calmly reassured him that I would take it off for a while and then exited the room. My heart was breaking because I had never experienced that behavior or heard those words come from his mouth before. A protective relative followed me out. She was quite angry at my dad. Tearfully, I told her this was not my dad. This was a man whose cognitive decline were acting and speaking. God had allowed me to keep loving my dad as if this event had never happened. God had reenforced the stitched seams as the event unfolded.

A day will come when someone looks you in the eye and doesn’t know who you are anymore. That is when it feels like your heart rips in half. It hurts intensely as the hard truth sinks in. You may have to retreat to a quiet place for God to heal your heart and then recover slowly. Day by day you will feel strengthened as you pray and rest in God’s peace. His Intensive Care Unit is outstanding. When you exit and are ready to face the task at hand, you will have a grateful heart filled with overflowing love once more.

Day by day God will hold your heart in his hands.


Word for Today

Colossians 3:16

Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

You amaze me with your healing and forgiveness. Teach me to forgive when others misunderstand or reject my love. I am guilty of wanting to quit loving as deeply as you ask of me when I am hurting. Tenderly hold me and restore me so that I can pour love out to those who are depending on me to meet their needs. I want to serve with a heart of gratitude.

Amen

Welcome to Our World

I read a news article today about what happened to our brains after living through the recent pandemic. Studies have been conducted about this and results are being presented. I just have to share a quote from the study with you.

“But we believe the cumulative stressors of the pandemic — such as prolonged isolation, disrupted routines, reduced physical and cognitive activity, and economic uncertainty — likely contributed to the observed brain changes,” Mohammadi-Nejad

We all know what it is like to experience all of the above for many years at a time as caregivers. How have we even survived? We have shown excellence in beating the odds and have God with us. We must be better equipped than most. ( Not judging…just observing).

Yes, this may sound snarky and uncaring toward those who struggle. I am venting and letting off steam for all of us who have learned to keep going when things are extremely difficult. Life can be very challenging and sometimes the ones who whine the loudest get all of the attention. Most caregivers I know are too busy to whine. We are equipped because we keep striving and learning. We fall on our knees when we are overcome and feel helpless.

Seriously, we do live in a world where isolation, stress, interrupted schedules and chaos can be the normal for many years as the person we care for is losing ground and we live in a state of flux where flexibility is critical. Please know that you are doing incredible things in a challenging situation. I would not wish this burden on anyone. Truly it is the heaviest one I have ever tried to survive. It was only when I chose to see caregiving as an act of love that I could see the positive side. It was only when I admitted that I didn’t have all of the answers that God became my guide in everything.

Our pandemic is known as Alzheimer’s disease. We have no vaccines. We sometimes feel abandoned because people fear the unknown. We do have others caregivers living in our situations. We are not alone! We have God and we have each other.

Word for Today

Ephesians 4:2

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Hello God,

It is me again just taking time to acknowledge you. When life is hard and I continue to press on, give me strength and people to stand with me. I thank you for allowing me to view caregiving as an act of love. You are my counselor, provider and comforter. You are the hope I stand on.

Amen

Rest Relax Refresh

In theory these words are awesome. In reality as a caregiver they sound impossible.

I can relate. When I was a long distance caregiver for my mom, there were times that I longed for relaxation and fun. I had just returned from a couple of weeks with my parents. My grandchildren were in the backyard pool splashing and laughing. I longed to join them; however, exhaustion won over and I found myself on the front porch swing with tears flowing. Guilt prevented me from simply telling them that Grandma was not up for their visit and just wanted a good nap. After a few minutes of alone time, I dried the tears. I forced a smile and jumped into the pool with them.

I don’t consider those moments a pity party. I consider them honesty. I desperately needed a few moments of solitude before joining the real party going on at the pool. My little girls had a way of refreshing me with their silly and carefree play. Tension eased and I think their high energy restored mine a bit. I know their hugs refreshed my heart and soul.

We require rest. We have to find ways to relax and then refresh.

Financial and time constraints may prevent spa trips and reading a favorite book. Here are a few simple things all caregivers can do for themselves and with the one they are caring for.

Sniff an orange. Enjoy the citrusy aroma.

Take a walk.

Listen to music

Pet a furry friend

Learning to enjoy simple things rather than longing for bigger things is key to making the days easier to bear. Take a few deep breaths. Remind yourself that God has given you the ability to survive caregiving.

Word for Today

 I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint. Jeremiah 31:25

Song for Today

Dear God,

Sometimes I forget that the rest I need and the refreshing I long for can truly only come from you. Forgive me for trying to push on without turning to you. I come today to simply say I need you each and every day. When I am not able to go on, you carry me and then gently set me down renewed and ready to care for others. With a grateful heart I can go on. Thank you for your faithfulness that is new every day.

Amen

Kitchen Table Talks

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

Eleanor Roosevelt

The past week has been filled with old friends, new friends and family. Some of the days were carefully planned and others were unexpected occurances. Close freinds came for a brief visit of a few days. We hugged, shared meals, laughed and took them sightseeing in our area. One of them is struggling with his mother’s care. He goes to visit her often, but feels guilty that his sister is bearing most of the load. My husband and I listened and shared advice. Our hearts truly felt his pain.

On one of our adventures we met a couple who struck up a conversation. The lady voluntered that she had recently lost her mother to Alzheimer’s. She was generally surprised to learn that I lead a support group and wanted more information.

After our friends left, I heard a knock at the door. Our neighor had dropped by to escape his home for a few minutes. Tension was high and he needed to escape. His elderly mom has moved in with him and his wife works in a stressful job from home. That in itself may have some of you nodding your heads. We have all had days that we needed a little escape. Finding a safe place to do that can prove to be difficult. He felt safe enough that he found an excuse to drop by later in the week to let us know things were better.

Last night my brother-in-law came over for dinner. After eating, we settled in our family room to talk. Eventually, he had questions about dementia and wanted to know how to help a friend. He has experiece from dealing with his mom and was well aware that symtoms can vary.

You may find yourself interacting with a caregiver who needs a listening ear, word of encouragement, practical advice or prayer. These moments often happen in unexpected circumstances or times. Maybe you are the caregiver needing that for yourself. My prayer is that God continues to direct paths to cross on this journey. I know I have been in both positions and have been so fulfilled when friendships have developed along the way.

Have a blessed day and trust God to send someone your way to comfort you or for you to comfort.

Word for Today

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Song for Today

Flashback song to make you smile

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for always knowing how fragile I am at times and sending someone my way. Thank you for the friends I have made along the caregiving journey. Touch their hearts today as you have touched mine.

Amen

Tag…You Are It!

I always felt handicapped when on the playground as a child. My height as a full grown adult is only five feet. Most people run faster because their stride is longer. That feeling continues off the playground. On a vacation several years ago we were walking through Vancouver Cananda. Everyone in the group except me was 6 feet tall. Their casual stroll was a fast paced walk for me trying to keep up. After a long morning of sightseeing and a lunch in Chinatown, I found a bench and instructed them to continue on, I would wait for them and join the group later. They were frustrated and urged me to keep walking. I refused. I was exhausted.

Many times when a family member is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, everyone panics and wants to run before they are tagged it as the caregiver. When we face uncertainty or a complex situation, we all find excuses. This is not uncommon or new.

Long ago a man named Gideon was hiding while grinding wheat. A group of people known as the Midianites had tormented the Israelites. They raided their fields, animals and land. The Israelites cried out to God for help. Gideon was simply hiding in a winepress and grinding wheat when an angel appeared. The angel told Gideon to gather an army to fight the Midianites. Gideon had an excuse. He responded, “my clan is the weakest, and I am the least of my family”.

We may feel the same way Gideon did, inadequate and a little fearful. We use many excuses such as ” I am too busy to take care of mom” or “she has always like you best so you would be better doing this”. What we are really saying is that this is going to be too hard for me. Tag someone else for caregiver.

God had a word for GIdeon. It was simple and plain but spoken in truth. “I will be with you” is what Gideon heard. As an experienced caregiver I can attest to that statement. God showed up each and every day on my journey.

While there are a vast number of books, training and podcasts for caregivers, they can only prepare and advise you from other people’s experience and knowledge. Every case of Alheizmer’s is different. Every day may even be different. I understand why you want to run away.

God was my guide on the journey of caregiving.

When I was traveling 6 hours each way God allowed me to find still waters. (Psalm 23:2)

  He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

When I had to make difficult decisions He lead me to the right one. (Psalm 25:9)

He guides the humble in what is right
    and teaches them his way.

When I floundered God sustained me and still does. (Psalm 54:4)


Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

When my parents and In-laws passed away God comforted me. (Psalm 23:4)

Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

When people suggested I was not doing things right God reassured me. (Psalm 73:24)

You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.

When criticism and judgements became harsh God whispered in my ear. (Isaiah 30:21)

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

When the long nights of feeling helpless kept me awake God calmed me. (Isaiah 42:16)

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
    along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
    and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
    I will not forsake them.

God didn’t send me an actual angel like Gideon had, but he used people who lended themselves to be God’s servants. Cards came in the mail. A stranger knocked on my dad’s door with a bouquet of flowers. A nurse found a quiet place in the emergency room to pray for me. A neighbor brought our dinner. Friends prayed, laughed and cried with me. My amazing husband walked each step of the way with me.

In parting, I readily admit that there were times when I longed for someone to slow down enough for me to tag them and say “tag, you are it”. Those thoughts were fleeting because I know what an honor it was to walk my parents to their final home in heaven. If you have been tagged, remember that God is with you.

Wondering what happened to Gideon? It is a really cool story. Dust off your Bible and read Judges 6 and 7. It definitely is reassuring to know when you get tagged by God, He goes to battle with you.

Word for Today


Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. Psalm 54:4

Song for Today I just couldn’t resist reminding you of other battles God fought.

Prayer for Today

God,

I am not sure why I have been chosen to be a caregiver. Humbled I come to you as my guide. Give me courage, patience and compasssion. Equip me for the journey and walk beside me each step of the way.

Amen

Men Fix Things

Today I am addressing the men who are caregivers. Most men by nature are fixers. Give them a problem and they immediately begin making plans to fix the problem. Sometimes they don’t even stop to listen to the fine print details you need to express to them.

I am married to one of those men. He is amazing, He truly is a jack of all trades. He has a shop full of tools. He has backups for backups when it comes to being prepared. Now that you tube is available, he keeps expanding his knowledge. While I am inside writing, he is outside repairing pvc pipes on our rain catchment system.

I could continue to expound upon how much money we have saved because he doesn’t need to call a repairman. Having said all of this, even he had to face reality when he was caring for his mom with vascular dementia. He simply could not fix things for her. There were days that I observed as he applied every tool in his caregiver toolbox. He proofreads my blog. He listens to my lessons when I teach. He hears me counseling caregivers on the phone. He attends seminars with me. He has a vast amount of knowledge in this area. There are days that no tool works. You have to accept that it is in God’s hands and just be present and show love in any way you can.

Women, we face days that we just can’t fix it as well. I felt like a complete failure one day at my mother-in-law’s side while she was determined to get out of her hospital bed. She was a serious fall risk and was struggling with me as I blocked her way while calling for assistance. The dementia began to speak loud and clear in words I had never heard from her. She was kicking, shoving and doing her best to win this battle. She yelled this to me “you are the most demanding person I have ever met”. Instead of biting my tongue, I exhaustedly replied. “no, you are”.

Nurses arrived and I excused myself from the room and dissolved into tears. I tell all of you to remain calm and compassionate. There are times that it is very difficult. I knew she had always been used to getting her way. I didn’t expect the dementia to make determination her super power.

Men and women struggle. There will be days when you feel helpless and frustated. You have ridden and emotional rollercoaster that just never seems to stop. The ups and downs, the twists and turns have left you exhausted and hurting. You finally collapse into bed and tears fall. This is not the end. You must get up and go again tomorrow. The only thing I found that allowed me to keep going was to place the person I could not fix into God’s hands and then climb into those same hands so God could comfort both of us.

Each day of caregiving brings surprises through hearing words come out of a loved one’s mouth that shock you or losing your loved one who slipped out the door. Objects in your home may decide to hide in new places. A shoe may show up in the refrigerator. You are left with a choice to make. Try to correct the behavior or accept that today has brought a new adventure. Word of advice offered here. Trying to correct the new behavior is the wrong choice!

The only thing we can truly fix is our own reactions to the behaviors. If all dad will eat is ice cream, let him eat ice cream and try healthier choices later. If your wife refuses a bath, try again tomorrow. Choose your battles.

Word for Today

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

It has been one of those weeks where I tried to do things in my own wisdom and power. I so want to fix the behaviors and changes in my loved one. My heart is filled with pain while I mess things up and sit idly by. I need you to take control and give me the faith and peace to trust in you being in control.

Give me strength when I feel weak. I thank you for hloding me together when I feel as if I am faling apart.

Amen