In theory these words are awesome. In reality as a caregiver they sound impossible.
I can relate. When I was a long distance caregiver for my mom, there were times that I longed for relaxation and fun. I had just returned from a couple of weeks with my parents. My grandchildren were in the backyard pool splashing and laughing. I longed to join them; however, exhaustion won over and I found myself on the front porch swing with tears flowing. Guilt prevented me from simply telling them that Grandma was not up for their visit and just wanted a good nap. After a few minutes of alone time, I dried the tears. I forced a smile and jumped into the pool with them.
I don’t consider those moments a pity party. I consider them honesty. I desperately needed a few moments of solitude before joining the real party going on at the pool. My little girls had a way of refreshing me with their silly and carefree play. Tension eased and I think their high energy restored mine a bit. I know their hugs refreshed my heart and soul.
We require rest. We have to find ways to relax and then refresh.
Financial and time constraints may prevent spa trips and reading a favorite book. Here are a few simple things all caregivers can do for themselves and with the one they are caring for.
Sniff an orange. Enjoy the citrusy aroma.
Take a walk.
Listen to music
Pet a furry friend
Learning to enjoy simple things rather than longing for bigger things is key to making the days easier to bear. Take a few deep breaths. Remind yourself that God has given you the ability to survive caregiving.
Word for Today
I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint. Jeremiah 31:25
Song for Today
Dear God,
Sometimes I forget that the rest I need and the refreshing I long for can truly only come from you. Forgive me for trying to push on without turning to you. I come today to simply say I need you each and every day. When I am not able to go on, you carry me and then gently set me down renewed and ready to care for others. With a grateful heart I can go on. Thank you for your faithfulness that is new every day.
“Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.” — David Ogden Stiers
It is summer in the south when blueberries, blackberries and peaches are turned into desserts, jams, and jellies. A few days ago juice ran down my arm as I peeled fresh peaches. I am enjoying peach cobbler made with my mom’s recipe while typing. Her birthday was on June 16th and she has been on my mind. I still find myself using her recipes when cooking.
While reflecting on mom’s final years, I have no regrets about making sacrifices to be with her when I could. I have lots of regrets that I didn’t always know exactly how to naviagate the compex plan of care that she needed. Most of us learn much as we travel down the road of caring for someone who is no longer the strong capable person we once knew.
Emotions run wild and changes happen faster than we expect. The disease outpaces our learning curve and we all end up drained emotionally, physically and spiritually. When this happens we need to pause and focus on what we have done right.
My number one thing that I feel I got right was learning to make the most of every situation when mom and I connected. Early on we could shop together and enjoy my grandchildren and her greatgrand children. I let her help with holiday meals in ways that she could.
We traveled a few times to her favorite places. Answering her repeated question about what time we left could have stressed me, but I made it a silly game. My answers changed each time she asked. When the alarm went off. We left at 6 am. We left when the rooster crowed. We left as soon as dad packed the car. These answers kept her entertained.
I planned carefully for our last trip. My thoughts were that it could be a difficult trip. I prayed for a peaceful time and God answered. We found a lovely one level cabin in the mountains near Cades Cove in Tennessee. Mom loved the large yard that had a flock of wild turkeys visit. On the day we drove to Cades Cove light snow flurries fell all day. Mom was calm and loved every moment. I cooked meals in so she did not have to be in crowded restuarants.
As mom’s disease progressed, I could enjoy the moments that she became silly and like a playful child. It was a side I never would have seen if she didn’t have Alzheimer’s. Inhibitions were torn down and she lost her resolve to always be the strong one who was responsible for everyone else.
She was the oldest child and helped care and protect her younger siblings. Two of her sisters had been told that mom was a swallow risk as the disease progressed. They just knew that a piece of gum would help mom have a fresh feeling mouth. They gave mom the gum and she chewed it happily. When they had to leave they needed to retrieve the gum. With a swab, they tried to fish the gum out because neither of them wanted to chance being bitten. Mom promptly clenched her teeth on the stick and grinned. It took over an hour to accomplish removing the gum. A nurse told me she went to investigate the giggles and laughter she heard coming from mom’s room. There was so much joy between the sisters that she asked me to forgive them for the gum when she relayed the story. I did forgive them. They were learning how vital it was to make the moments of connection count.
In her final years, we connected when I called her Linda, not mom. She could not relate to being a mother, but she knew I loved her and was supposed to be there. I would gently massage her hands with arnica oil to help her stretch them without pain. I knew the music to play on a bad day. On really bad days, I sat by her side with tears as I prayed for God to give her peace. I placed my head on a pillow next to her and told her what a wonderful person she was.
About five days before mom moved from this earth to her heavenly home, she had tears when a sister called. She squeezed my hand when a grandson called from across the country. She squeezed the hand of a granddaughter and great grandchild who stood by her bed. This continued most of the afternoon as family calls came in. I wondered if she really knew each voice. Then my sister in law called. I placed the phone near mom and had it on speaker phone. She thanked mom for raising an amazing son and then assured her that she had hard it had been since she was raising his 6 kids. Mom tried to laugh. We all knew that for that afternoon we had all connected. Tears of joy abounded.
Do what you can to make those heart connections. You will never regret doing this. Making new connections may require forgiving the one you care for if any hurts are in your past. This is a tough one, but it will become necessary for you to do this so God can heal your hurts and enable you to love more deeply.
The past week has been filled with old friends, new friends and family. Some of the days were carefully planned and others were unexpected occurances. Close freinds came for a brief visit of a few days. We hugged, shared meals, laughed and took them sightseeing in our area. One of them is struggling with his mother’s care. He goes to visit her often, but feels guilty that his sister is bearing most of the load. My husband and I listened and shared advice. Our hearts truly felt his pain.
On one of our adventures we met a couple who struck up a conversation. The lady voluntered that she had recently lost her mother to Alzheimer’s. She was generally surprised to learn that I lead a support group and wanted more information.
After our friends left, I heard a knock at the door. Our neighor had dropped by to escape his home for a few minutes. Tension was high and he needed to escape. His elderly mom has moved in with him and his wife works in a stressful job from home. That in itself may have some of you nodding your heads. We have all had days that we needed a little escape. Finding a safe place to do that can prove to be difficult. He felt safe enough that he found an excuse to drop by later in the week to let us know things were better.
Last night my brother-in-law came over for dinner. After eating, we settled in our family room to talk. Eventually, he had questions about dementia and wanted to know how to help a friend. He has experiece from dealing with his mom and was well aware that symtoms can vary.
You may find yourself interacting with a caregiver who needs a listening ear, word of encouragement, practical advice or prayer. These moments often happen in unexpected circumstances or times. Maybe you are the caregiver needing that for yourself. My prayer is that God continues to direct paths to cross on this journey. I know I have been in both positions and have been so fulfilled when friendships have developed along the way.
Have a blessed day and trust God to send someone your way to comfort you or for you to comfort.
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Song for Today
Flashback song to make you smile
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
Thank you for always knowing how fragile I am at times and sending someone my way. Thank you for the friends I have made along the caregiving journey. Touch their hearts today as you have touched mine.
I always felt handicapped when on the playground as a child. My height as a full grown adult is only five feet. Most people run faster because their stride is longer. That feeling continues off the playground. On a vacation several years ago we were walking through Vancouver Cananda. Everyone in the group except me was 6 feet tall. Their casual stroll was a fast paced walk for me trying to keep up. After a long morning of sightseeing and a lunch in Chinatown, I found a bench and instructed them to continue on, I would wait for them and join the group later. They were frustrated and urged me to keep walking. I refused. I was exhausted.
Many times when a family member is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, everyone panics and wants to run before they are tagged it as the caregiver. When we face uncertainty or a complex situation, we all find excuses. This is not uncommon or new.
Long ago a man named Gideon was hiding while grinding wheat. A group of people known as the Midianites had tormented the Israelites. They raided their fields, animals and land. The Israelites cried out to God for help. Gideon was simply hiding in a winepress and grinding wheat when an angel appeared. The angel told Gideon to gather an army to fight the Midianites. Gideon had an excuse. He responded, “my clan is the weakest, and I am the least of my family”.
We may feel the same way Gideon did, inadequate and a little fearful. We use many excuses such as ” I am too busy to take care of mom” or “she has always like you best so you would be better doing this”. What we are really saying is that this is going to be too hard for me. Tag someone else for caregiver.
God had a word for GIdeon. It was simple and plain but spoken in truth. “I will be with you” is what Gideon heard. As an experienced caregiver I can attest to that statement. God showed up each and every day on my journey.
While there are a vast number of books, training and podcasts for caregivers, they can only prepare and advise you from other people’s experience and knowledge. Every case of Alheizmer’s is different. Every day may even be different. I understand why you want to run away.
God was my guide on the journey of caregiving.
When I was traveling 6 hours each way God allowed me to find still waters. (Psalm 23:2)
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
When I had to make difficult decisions He lead me to the right one. (Psalm 25:9)
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
When I floundered God sustained me and still does. (Psalm 54:4)
Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustainsme.
When my parents and In-laws passed away God comforted me. (Psalm 23:4)
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
When people suggested I was not doing things right God reassured me. (Psalm 73:24)
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
When criticism and judgements became harsh God whispered in my ear. (Isaiah 30:21)
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”
When the long nights of feeling helpless kept me awake God calmed me. (Isaiah 42:16)
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
God didn’t send me an actual angel like Gideon had, but he used people who lended themselves to be God’s servants. Cards came in the mail. A stranger knocked on my dad’s door with a bouquet of flowers. A nurse found a quiet place in the emergency room to pray for me. A neighbor brought our dinner. Friends prayed, laughed and cried with me. My amazing husband walked each step of the way with me.
In parting, I readily admit that there were times when I longed for someone to slow down enough for me to tag them and say “tag, you are it”. Those thoughts were fleeting because I know what an honor it was to walk my parents to their final home in heaven. If you have been tagged, remember that God is with you.
Wondering what happened to Gideon? It is a really cool story. Dust off your Bible and read Judges 6 and 7. It definitely is reassuring to know when you get tagged by God, He goes to battle with you.
Word for Today
Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustainsme. Psalm 54:4
Song for Today I just couldn’t resist reminding you of other battles God fought.
Prayer for Today
God,
I am not sure why I have been chosen to be a caregiver. Humbled I come to you as my guide. Give me courage, patience and compasssion. Equip me for the journey and walk beside me each step of the way.
When I began this blog, I was in the midst of an incredible journey that tested me like no other. The winds blew in storms as I stood on shifting sand. The lightning strikes had names such as Alzheimer’s Disease, vascular dementia and cancer. Thunder rumbled in the distance whispering “this is more than you can bear”. A choice had to be made. I couldn’t control the storm, but I could change my reaction.
The storms finally abated leaving emptiness as I tried to process the heart wrenching pain.
You have walked with me as I shared part of my story. Most of it will only be known by my wonderful husband and closet friends. I have been open and honest. Writing has allowed me to work through grief and consider how all of the shifting sand made me stronger.
I stepped away from writing for a bit to enjoy life again. My decisions of what to do will be shared later in this post.
On our farm spring is a busy season. Nineteen acres abounds with wild blackberries, privet, weeds, fireants, snakes and opportunities to transform that chaos into lovely raised beds full of chard, lettuce, carrots, kale, herbs and garlic. We even used the chain saw and rediscovered our overgrown barn on the far corner near the woods.
The labor has been intense, but we know how rewarding it will be to enjoy the fruits of our labor. Only one grocey store sells chard. Can you believe even the farmers market doesn’t sell it? I am truly a southern girl, however my palette for greens is not limited to turnip greens and lettuce. I even saute lambs quarters and throw dandelions into salads.
A trip to the bay was enjoyed immensely. We set crab traps, fished and watched dolphins. On a whim, we stayed an extra week. It felt amazing not having to find someone to be on call if a parent had an emergency. That freedom helped me realize my role as caregiver had truly limited vacations and travel. Guilt tried to creep in as I reflected over the peace I now have. The tides have shifted and I am content knowing I have no regrets over the caregiving years.
As a seasoned caregiver, I can assure you that your hard work as a caregiver will be rewarded by small moments such as a shared laugh or hug when you know you have connected. I can assure you that you will survive. I can assure you that God walks with you. I can assure that life will change as you move on.
I am better equipped to offer encouragement, advice, comfort and education to others on the path of caregiving because of what I have experienced first hand. I have spent sleepless nights struggling with decisions or answering phone calls in the wee hours of the morning. I have answered the same question over and over and over again. I have watched a loved one cry out in pain when they can no longer tell you where they hurt. I have cried so many tears that I was numb by the time God called my parents, in-laws and cherished aunts and uncles home. I have been punched, hit and cursed at by a disease that robbed me of a loving parent. I get the demands and challenges you face.
My next adventure is beginning. I will be renaming this blog and will let you know when this happens. A pod cast featuring guests is in the beginning stages and two book ideas are in my head waiting to be on paper. I will continue to lead a local support group and am considering a google meet support group. This is the way my loved ones will live on in my heart and be honored. They instilled a faith in God in me and modeled a life of compassion, generousity, resilence and love that I now want to share.
I hope that each of you realize that you are amazing. You are able to meet the demands of caregiving. You didn’t seek this job. No one would. You aren’t perfect. Neither am I. Together we can encourage each other.
It is with excitement that I ask you to join me on my new adventures. You could be my guest as the podcast launches. You may want to join the google meet group. Leave comments if you would like to be a part of these.
In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
I come to you with a grateful heart. You walked with me each moment as a caregiver. You spoke into my heart in the darkest moments when I felt helpless and afraid. I ask now that you do the same for caregivers aroound me. Reassure them that you have equipped them for the task. Let peace reign in their hearts and home.
Today I am addressing the men who are caregivers. Most men by nature are fixers. Give them a problem and they immediately begin making plans to fix the problem. Sometimes they don’t even stop to listen to the fine print details you need to express to them.
I am married to one of those men. He is amazing, He truly is a jack of all trades. He has a shop full of tools. He has backups for backups when it comes to being prepared. Now that you tube is available, he keeps expanding his knowledge. While I am inside writing, he is outside repairing pvc pipes on our rain catchment system.
I could continue to expound upon how much money we have saved because he doesn’t need to call a repairman. Having said all of this, even he had to face reality when he was caring for his mom with vascular dementia. He simply could not fix things for her. There were days that I observed as he applied every tool in his caregiver toolbox. He proofreads my blog. He listens to my lessons when I teach. He hears me counseling caregivers on the phone. He attends seminars with me. He has a vast amount of knowledge in this area. There are days that no tool works. You have to accept that it is in God’s hands and just be present and show love in any way you can.
Women, we face days that we just can’t fix it as well. I felt like a complete failure one day at my mother-in-law’s side while she was determined to get out of her hospital bed. She was a serious fall risk and was struggling with me as I blocked her way while calling for assistance. The dementia began to speak loud and clear in words I had never heard from her. She was kicking, shoving and doing her best to win this battle. She yelled this to me “you are the most demanding person I have ever met”. Instead of biting my tongue, I exhaustedly replied. “no, you are”.
Nurses arrived and I excused myself from the room and dissolved into tears. I tell all of you to remain calm and compassionate. There are times that it is very difficult. I knew she had always been used to getting her way. I didn’t expect the dementia to make determination her super power.
Men and women struggle. There will be days when you feel helpless and frustated. You have ridden and emotional rollercoaster that just never seems to stop. The ups and downs, the twists and turns have left you exhausted and hurting. You finally collapse into bed and tears fall. This is not the end. You must get up and go again tomorrow. The only thing I found that allowed me to keep going was to place the person I could not fix into God’s hands and then climb into those same hands so God could comfort both of us.
Each day of caregiving brings surprises through hearing words come out of a loved one’s mouth that shock you or losing your loved one who slipped out the door. Objects in your home may decide to hide in new places. A shoe may show up in the refrigerator. You are left with a choice to make. Try to correct the behavior or accept that today has brought a new adventure. Word of advice offered here. Trying to correct the new behavior is the wrong choice!
The only thing we can truly fix is our own reactions to the behaviors. If all dad will eat is ice cream, let him eat ice cream and try healthier choices later. If your wife refuses a bath, try again tomorrow. Choose your battles.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
It has been one of those weeks where I tried to do things in my own wisdom and power. I so want to fix the behaviors and changes in my loved one. My heart is filled with pain while I mess things up and sit idly by. I need you to take control and give me the faith and peace to trust in you being in control.
Give me strength when I feel weak. I thank you for hloding me together when I feel as if I am faling apart.
When the going gets tough, you may questions your abilities. That is pretty common. You may even find yourself wishing you could just choose another path.
If you look closely, you will notice this hiker can go to the left or to the right. They both seem to lead to the same place. He can stand pondering his choice or take a step forward in either direction. What if the path simply takes him in a circle? He can keep circling or turn and go back to where he came from. Now take notice of the cluster of trees. Perhaps this cluster represents the problem you face. Someone in your life has Alzheimer’s disease. You must circle around this new situation and make some choices about how to adjust. You are the caregiver. You cannot turn and go back to where you came from. You cannot stand frozen in fear and dread, You may feel more alone and isolated than ever before. Wow!
The task that lies ahead will challenge and stretch you. I will not paint you a pretty picture, I will be brutally honest. It is hard. It takes all you have. You can do it though.
On my journey as a caregiver and support group leader, I have learned much. I could kayak for days on the river of tears shed and shared. These tears are from sorrow and joy. The caregiving community bonds through small victories and deep losses. If you are a caregiver you find that income, sex, age, political views or nationality doesn’t matter. Real people living real life under tough circumstances that are not a result of their bad choices tends to unite them.
In The Wizard of Oz we find these characters on a journey:
Dorothy – a girl who was swept away by a storm
Scarecrow – one who has been convinced that he is unable to do his job because he isn’t qualified since he has no brain.
The Tin Wood Man – a man whose encounter with a witch left him stiff, unable to move and without a heart
The Lion – a lion who avoids conflict because it makes his heart race and his roar soft so he thinks he is a coward
Do you find yourself identifying with one or more of these characters? All of us can verify we have been caught up in the storm. Our life has been rattled with extreme high winds of change. You are not in Kansas anymore. You may hear, “You aren’t from around here, are you?”. (Stick with a good support group where everyone feels like they have just been dropped from a tornado into a strange new place.)
Perhaps you understand the scarecrow best. You are afraid you are not equipped with the skills, patience, knowledge or confidence to do this job of being a caregiver. Skills can be built, knowledge can be gained and confidence grows with time.
Maybe you have walked away from your relationship with God like the tin man. You have hardened your heart. You will find that God stands with open arms waiting on your return. The forgiveness, grace and mercy will feel like oil refreshing and renewing your soul. You then are enabled to offer your care out of a loving heart.
Lastly, you feel too scared to face the task. Your roar is much loudly than you think. When you face family members who are critical or medical personnel who don’t listen, you will be a strong advocate who is not afraid to speak up.
Don’t stand in front of the tree. Start moving. If you walk in circles, learn from each circle. When you face each day one at a time you discover small victories. You learn to live in the moment and cherish the one you care for.
My stoic mom had lived her life supressing emotions, good and bad. When Alzheimer’s took away her ability to do this, I saw sides of her I had never seen. The fear and crying out in pain broke my heart. God was gracious to bring balance. He allowed me to see her get excited like a child over ice cream outings. I smiled as she danced and sang with her youngest grandson over silly things. I sat by her bedside reading her the stories she read to me as a young child. She lay still and content because she felt the connection we had.
God took my hand and walked with us during this journey. When I grew weary, He picked us up and carried us. He will do the same for you. You may not feel like you are created to be a caregiver. With God as your guide, you will discover you were.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
Words are difficult to find some days. You see my tears. You feel my fear, anger, and pain. You are faithful when I am weak. Today I just need to be carried like a child. I am seeking your peace.
While working on building projects with my husband, I learned the importance of fine tuning as we go. Measure twice and cut once. Check for levelness and squareness. Hold your breath when trimming with paint. Wear your grubby clothes. Use a drop cloth. Have a shop vac handy. Having the right tools is also vital. Hand planers, levels and safety glasses are always nearby for when we need them. The finished product is well worth the effort and time spent. You watched a plan come together and smiled at the finished product.
If only caregiving worked the same way! You can plan, carry out the plan and then find there is no fine tuning that can make life turn out as you thought it should. You cannot just sand off the edges when raw emotions erupt into anger and frustration. The breakfast you lovingly prepared because your spouse seemed to enjoy it immensely yesterday is pushed aside and they refuse to eat. You shopped for a few new shirts and your husband refuses to wear anything except the one he has worn for three days.
I found a book from my senior year of high schoool. The five year plan I set for myself was to go to college and get married. I check that one off. The ten year plan was to buy a house and have children. Check again! Then life happened fast and furious. Before I knew it the kids were off to college and our nest was empty.
We had a flurry of weddings and grandchildren. All was going according to what I had expected. Then I noticed my mom just wasn’t herself. My heart was gripped with the words Alzhiemer’s Disease. Caregiving was not in my plan for many years down the road. I couldn’t push the schedule back. Adjustments had to be made quickly. For the early years of the caregiving journey, frequent visits, prepping meals for the freezer to help dad, taking care of doctor visits, monitoring finances online and hiring help for my parents worked.
My time was being split between my parent’s home 6 hours from mine and my own home. Trips to visit grandchildren became less frequent. We made a couple of major adjustments. We moved near our grandchildren and my husband was able to work from home and travel with me. This cut my trip to 3 1/2 hours each way.
In the end, my parents were both declining. I moved them to an assisted living and nursing home close to me. Visits were then daily. My mom was in end stage with Alzheimer’s and my dad struggled with mini strokes, diabetes and incontinence.
I know that I never had to provide full 24 hour care like many of you do every day. I do know my mind was always questioning things. Did I give my husband enough time? What am I missing out on with my children and grandchildren? Did I leave food prepared and clothes washed for my husband and my parents? How many more hours do I have to fight traffic? When is the next doctor’s appointment? It felt like I was on one of those round spinning wheels we used to play on as a child. I had run around and around and then hopped on to ride. Grasping tightly to the metal bar, I held on so I wouldn’t fall off.
In the midst of my trying to plan for whatever happened, I came to realize I could not plan for all of the twist and turns ahead. I had to trust God with the plan. I had to let Him fine tune and adjust me for things to work. He then held me tightly so the ride of life would not throw me off.
Some of you have feelings of guilt and inadequacies. Recently I read another blog for caregivers. A caregiver felt like a failure. When asked why, her response will make you smile. She failed to give her husband a daily bath. Wow! I consider one every third day a success. You make great plans, but life as a caergiver shows you they don’t always work. Continue to plan but have several backup plans as well. Trust God to guide you and hold you tight.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
I humble myself and ask for you to move the mountains that I cannot move. I will rest in your arms and let you hold me close while I witness your work in my situations.
There are times that I question why I still write this blog and lead a support group. My personal season as a caregiver began in 2008 and ended in December 2023. It would be so easy to walk away and simply enjoy life. I could joyfully refocus and volunteer in an area where I did not see suffering, discouragement and pain.
Every time I have the above thoughts, God reminds me to be led by His spirit and minister to people who are walking the path that I just got off of. Someone was there to answer my questions and reassure me while I was a caregiver. One day I attended a funeral for a friend’s father-in-law. She was exhausted in every way. I hugged her and she cried. Then she pulled away and said “You are in my prayers. My journey has ended and you are just beginning. I am here if you need a friend to talk to that gets what you are experiencing”.
Those words play in my mind and stir my heart. They reverberate and drive me on.
I am climbing up onto my soapbox now. That is quite a climb when you are five foot tall. Now I am picking up a microphone to say what you are too timid and tired to say.
Every caregiver needs someone who will listen. Please listen and do not consider me a whiner. My life is hard right now. I cannot attend our water exercise classes. I am treading waves of heartache and emotions that exhaust me.
We can’t meet you for dinner this week. It is too difficult to go into busy places. Our social schedule involves doctor appointments.
If you want to truly help out. Just do it! I simply do not have time to describe our life and schedule. Call and tell me you are bringing dinner on Tuesday or mowing my lawn on Saturday. Use common sense and think of something practical to do that I need done!
Hugs are a welcome gift on any day. I haven’t forgotten you, so please do not forget me.
I am climbing down now. The soapbox emboldens me to say the things I thought as a caregiver, but would never say out loud to anyone.
A soapbox is not needed to say these words.
You are incredible. Your sacrifices are worth it. No one could possibly know how you feel unless they too have walked the caregiver path. I listen to your stories and pray for you. It hurts my heart to look at your text that states you will not be able to attend the support group because you cannot afford the sitter.
I want to have the funds to provide that for you. Where are the gofundme pages for caregivers who have given up jobs to take care of a parent?
As my husband and I saw the lottery news, I thought of how I could provide respite care and meals for you. I didn’t play the lottery, but I still dream of being able to do this for caregivers. Praying for God to show me the way to make this happen.
I end today by sharing some ideas for dealing with sundowning. The definition of sundowning is lengthy. This is something I will go into deeper in another post. A simple explanation is that weird behaviors occur in late afternoon and early evening. Many of you have experienced the restlessness and anxiety that occurs. Your loved one is pacing around and around. They may even show some aggression.
To help reduce this behavior, get outside during the day when you can. One of the caregivers I know shared with me that her mother’s behavior has worsened after the return to daylight savings time. That is something that does not surprise me. All of us have to adjust when this happens. Our circadian rhythm gets a little off beat.
In the morning she has been opening all of the blinds in the house. She turns all of the lights on in the home just before dusk and then closes the blinds so her mom doesn’t notice the transition from day to night.
Here are a few more suggestions.
Playing soft music and using lavender essential oils may help someone remain calm.
Consider making dinner ahead of time while they are peaceful and then just reheat at dinner time.
Limit naps during the day
Offer a favorite snack just before their usual sundowning time
Hopefully, these may work for you.
Have a blessed Easter weekend. I no longer have little children around, but I think my baby blue eggs will be boiled and enjoyed by the adults in my life. As I washed them yesterday, I thought about how cool it is having colorful eggs provided by my hens who color them without dye.
Rejoice in the hope we have because Christ is no longer in the grave!
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
I boldly praise you for the gift of your son and my salvation. I ask that you draw hearts to your truth. You are our hope and strength each and every day. Let us feel your presence in an amazing way.
A martyr is someone that puts something or someone first at a cost to them. My children had a wicked sense of humor. After hearing the story I am about to share, they played the martyr game.
In a large family, the mother would always place a platter of fried chicken on the table. Then she would choose the neck for herself. Her children would offer her any other piece. Her reply was always the same, “I prefer the neck”.
We all know she was making sure her family had more meat to eat. My kids would make comments such as “I will be cold, you take the blanket”. Another might be “you eat the ice cream since I don’t really like it”. Their comments were sarcastic and would turn into the next one taking it to an extreme in their sacrifice. They called it I am the biggest martyr.
Their game was all in fun. Unfortunately, some caregivers play this game without knowing it.
I sat at the bedside of my very independent and stubborn relative this weekend. She has a heart condition that landed her in the hospital. Her daughter, grandchild and I were very concerned. She is a caregiver. She denies her own health issues and tries to hide them.
If this sounds like someone looking back at you in the mirror, you are guilty of being the martyr.
Putting your own needs aside to be a caregiver is a fact of life. You find your role very demanding. You ask yourself “when do I have time to take care of myself?”.
There are many sacrifices you will be forced to make. Some of them are costly.
You must discern when it is something you can make adjustments on and keep a good attitude about or when it is dangerous. You are extremely important to the one you are the caregiver for. If you ignore your own health issues, who will take your place?
My relative’s own independent spirit and need to be in control was causing her to shut out other family members that could assist her. This is a dangerous place to be. Do not be guilty of this. Find someone willing to help that you trust. They may not do things the exact way you do, but that is alright.
As an adult child with a busy life, I wanted to be interrupted when my parents needed me. The time I spent with them is treasured. The experience of caregiving made me a much stronger person. I learned valuable lessons. Your children may be waiting to be asked to help. Your job of protecting and providing for them has passed. You should not protect them by not asking for their assistance.
A book that I read when my mother first showed signs of mental illness opened my eyes. It was written by a woman who lived a distance from her family and stayed too busy to realize her parents had declining health. When she finally went to visit, it was too late. Her mother no longer recognized her and her father was in very poor health. She said her final goodbye to them and then faced her regrets. This moved her so much that she gave up her high salary and took a job as an aid at an assisted living. She made it her mission to learn all she could and pass the information on to other families.
This pushed me to research, learn and do all I could for my parents. I did not want them suffering and I did not want to live with regrets for being too busy to be there for them.
If I stepped on your toes today, good! This is a great time to reflect on who you can ask to help you. It is also time to schedule your own doctor appointments. I was guilty of not doing that myself. I had filled the paperwork out so many times for my parents that it was automatic. After they passed away, I scheduled an appointment for myself. I was checking boxes like crazy.
High blood pressure
Diabetes
Confusion
Incontinence
Alzheimer’s disease
High Cholesterol
Congestive Heart
Suddenly, I realized what I was doing and asked the receptionist for a new sheet. Can you imagine the physician’s reaction when he saw that list? I was really glad I caught myself.
I know your time is limited and you must be a martyr in many ways, you just don’t need to be the biggest martyr.
Turning over control to anyone is not easy. I suggest you turn over complete control to God. He can then give you wisdom and discernment in all decisions. This will give you more peace and less stress.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
I praise you for helping me carry this load. Help me to know what I need to do and when to ask for help. Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to ask for help. Give me the ability to trust others when I need too.
Walking Them Home 