Yes, you read it right.  I meant to say “Mary Christmas” My last post was about unexpected peace. Today I would like to expound on this idea. We will return to the story of Mary.

Mary was in need of a peaceful night. She had been on a most amazing adventure. I want to share a little about Mary’s months leading up to the night she gave birth.  She, an ordinary girl, was visited by an angel.  When the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary he spoke these words “Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God.” 

I did a little research and  discovered that the words do not be afraid were used over 72 times in the Bible before Mary heard them.  Past history made no mention of God’s favor following the words do not be afraid. This stood out enough to catch my attention.

Having the favor of God means having grace and support.  God knew Mary would be judged, gossiped about, misunderstood and shunned for being an unwed mother. No human had ever been asked to bear the weight of carrying the Son of God in her womb.  Peolpe would not believe her story.  I imagine Mary felt alone and scared.  God showered her with grace.  This grace became her strength and support to see the task God had given her through to the end.  That task would also include seeing her son she bore nailed to a cross.

The pain would have been unbearable without God’s grace.

Mary and Joseph traveled and waited in a stable on that night of Jesus’ birth.  The stars were shining brightly.  The sounds were those of animals huddled in the stable with them.  Their visitors were a few wisemen and a small group of shepherds.   It was simple.  It was peaceful. This peace is what I wish for you when I wish you a Mary Christmas.

Like Mary, you have experienced some pain.  When a loved one develops dementia, human nature results in people  judging, gossiping and even  abandoning you in your journey. With patience and grace  Mary trusted God. Few friends could comprehend. God revealed the truth to a relative named Elizabeth. This gave her a friend who understood.

Your Christmas may look and feel different if you slow down. Forget the hyped up lights, music and expectations we humans have made Christmas into.  Return to the quiet starry night that brought Mary peace. Keep it simple. Return to the true reason for celebrating.

Two nights last week my husband and I were bundled up sitting in our field watching a meteor shower.  The last year had been full of loss and pain. We had already decided this year Christmas would be different.  We would keep it simple and marvel at the gift God sent under a starry night long ago.  It was perfect.  A true peace filled our hearts. 

Mary gave birth to God’s son one night.  She held her baby knowing her life had changed.    God changed your world when he asked you to be a caregiver.  You have His favor.  God will give you peace just as he gave to Mary, my husband, and I.

Now you know why I wish you a Mary Christmas. This season can be filled with God’s favor. Walk in this favor. Ask him for wisdom in how to navigate family and friends.  Ask God to send people to you who understand your journey.

I have listened to the voices of caregivers over the last couple of weeks. I hear loneliness, anxiety, exhaustion and frustration when I listen closely. If I could be there in person, I would wrap my arms around you and whisper “Be still and trust God”.

Word for Today

Acts 20:24
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Help me to trust that your favor is with me just as it was with Mary. On the difficult days, I will try to walk in gentleness. An angel may not have appeared to me saying do not be afraid, but just like Mary I face a daunting task. Sometimes I watch someone slipping away from me and long for who they once were. Give me grace as I continue my task of walking with them to their eternal home with you.  I thank you for sending Christ to bring me hope.

Amen

This was the first Thanksgiving my husband and  I have ever spent alone.  No parents are alive to take care of or to spend time with.  Our children and grandchildren live across the country. Our brothers were with their children and grands.  I expected to feel sad and alone.  Surprisingly, it was the opposite.  I chose to not focus on past holiday activities or worry about future ones.  I decided to live in the moment.

God knew the heaviness we had felt for so long and blessed us with incredible peace. We rented a mountain cabin in the foothills of Tennessee for the whole week.  Our cell phones had no service.  It was isolated and the view was amazing.  We rocked on the porch and sipped our coffee.  When we were hungry we ate.  If someone got sleepy, they took a nap.  We had no schedule.  We read, walked outdoors, watched football, snuggled and prayed.

This was unexpected and was something I could not have thought possible just 12 months ago.  We were about to enter several rough weeks as caregivers at that time. The month of  round the clock shifts at the hospital and nursing home began on Dec. 2.  It was a roller coaster ride that left us exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.  

There are times that you forget you will have peace and a life that goes on after caregiving.  I am writing this to remind you that your life will go on.  Your heart will heal.  You will still find purpose in life.  Your days will move beyond just getting through to finding joy again.

You may even be asking yourself” who am I?”.  You may have laid everything aside to be a caregiver.  Your days have been filled with meeting the needs of someone else.  You are a different person than you were when the caregiving journey began.  You are more mature and seasoned from your experience.

While still on the journey, consider starting a journal.  Think about new skills you have acquired.  Reflect on  how you have a changed perspective on what is important.  Consider the circle of friends who have remained close and fellow caregivers who have become friends.  Make a bucket list that you can look forward to in the future.  Fear of the future can be faced with great courage because a caregiver has more grit and courage than most people.

God gave us so many examples in the bible of people who found themselves in painful and trying situations that were not what they had planned.  Joseph was thrown into a pit, sold to strangers and then was thrown into prison because of a lying woman.  I can only guess that God was building his character and preparing him for a day of unexpected peace when he was restored to his family.

Mary was a young woman waiting to marry her Joseph.  Obviously, God had chosen her for an amazing task.  Can you imagine the humiliation she must have faced being pregnant before she was married?   The gossip of people had to be heard in every corner of the village.  She had to trust God  from a very young age.  One night she gave birth in a stable.  She felt God’s unexpected peace as she held her baby more than any other mother has ever had.

You are living  a time of your life where you are set apart to focus on someone who depends on you every day.  Some days are long and trying.  God is building gifts in you that you didn’t even realize you had. When your time of caring is over,  you will find new things to do.  You will have peace that you never thought possible.  Hold tightly to God because He is holding your tears, hopes and dreams near His heart.

Word for Today

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come to you today feeling as if life is full of change that I am not ready for. Becoming a caregiver was never what I expected my future to hold. In the midst of it, I trust you each day to calm the waves of frustration, exhaustion and fear. Give me hope that you will help me make it through. Hold my heart together as I feel like it is shattered.

Help me to trust you with my life after being a caregiver fades away. Mold me, refresh me and give me hope.

Amen

Every caregiver I know has made a mistake and then felt like a failure.  My most recent one happened in a hospital almost a year ago.  Now I can forgive myself and even see some humor in it.  At the moment right after it happened I was standing in a hallway with tears streaming down my face.

My mother-in-law was a very determined woman who was used to getting her way.  She had vascular dementia and was grieving the loss of her husband.   A fall in the wee hours of the morning had caused  a hospital stay.  She was a fall risk, highly paranoid of everything and everyone and weak.  My husband and I had been taking turns going home to rest.  I had been with her all day.  Anxiety had been building all day.  The new medications prescribed for hallucinations and delusions had been ordered but not started.  After fighting with her sheets, she was determined to get up.  I was sitting at the corner of her bed with my arms spanning the corner between her bed rails while trying to be gentle and calm as she threw punches, kicked and yelled.  

Imagine a five foot tall person sitting at the foot of the bed and blocking her from getting up.  I had a foot stretched out trying to hit the nurse call button.  Words were coming out that I had never heard from her.  Then she screamed at me that I was the most demanding person she had ever met.  Due to exhaustion, I lost it.  I firmly replied back, “No, you are”.

Regret hit instantly.  I knew it was the disease causing the behavior.  I teach classes on how to remain calm and reassuring.  Exhaustion and the pain of seeing her this way overtook me.  When the nurses finally came, they immediately paged her doctor.  He stopped outside her door to ask what was happening.  After calmly filling him in, tears began to roll.  My husband, who had no idea of what had just transpired, turned the corner.  He saw my tears and ran to me with a look of fear.  I reassured him that his mom was still very much alive and then escaped to a waiting room to pull myself back together.  

I sat in a corner asking God to forgive me for not being more patient.  Just like the photo above, I had palced a sign on myself saying “FAILURE!”. God forgave me and for the next few weeks I sat patiently by my mother-in-law’s side. I massaged her hands with lotion. I pushed her to the window to watch birds at the feeder, I gently coached her to eat. We listened to music and she brushed a stuffed cat we had given her. In the last moments, my husband and I sat holding her hand and praying. God enabled us to be the caregiver she deserved.

How do you move beyond feeling like a failure? Every caregiver I know has felt like a failure. We made a choice to respond in a way that is not the best. The feelings of regret, guilt and hopelessness eat away at us.

Caregivers make mistakes. Causes of mistakes can be any of the below:

• Lack of knowledge
• Exhaustion
• Frustration
• Anger
• Resentment of no help
• Financial stress
• Lack of sleep
• Changes in behavior issues
• Isolation

Each of us can remember the day we blew it. We can beat ourselves up or try again. Truthfully, you have no choice but to try again. Try to focus on what you did right. Ask for forgiveness. Correct what you got wrong. Wipe the tears. Remove the failure sign from around your neck and start over.

If you are a football fan, you most likely have heard of Jalen Hurts. He had a bright future and loads of potential as a starting quarterback at the University of Alabama. He was benched because of a few poorly executed plays in an important playoff game. He watched another quartrback from the sidelines for a whole season before transfering to Oklahoma and then went on to be an unlikely draft pick. Today he leads the Philadelphia eagles.

Jalen chose to use the defeats and pain to grow stronger. He didn’t give up when the going got tough. He dug in and worked hard to be a success. Many long nights were spend as he mulled over disappointments.

You may not be an athlete, but you have to have the same determination and drive to be a caregiver. You spend long nights mulling over how you became a caregiver and how a disease has robbed you of dreams.

Try putting the emphasis on the positive.

The only way I survived was trusting God to guide my steps. He taught me to focus on grace instead of guilt. He taught me to serve without becoming bitter toward those who didn’t step up to help. His steadfast love toward me showed me how to give the same unconditional love to others. His forgiveness when I failed allowed me to forgive myself.

This past weekend I was honored to sit in a room for a day with family and professional caregivers. I looked into the eyes of people who give it their best and still have failures. It let me know cargiving is hard for all of us. Together we learned, laughed, cried and shared our stories. This was not an awards ceremony with red carpets and fancy clothes . Cheerleaders and fans were not going crazy on the sidelines. No large checks or trophies were handed out. We didn’t need that. We all looked around and understood we were winners!

You said yes to caregiving. You are a winner.

You, however, have chosen to face challenges that are downright hard. You receive little glory and no money. You are strong because you pick yourself up and keep going. Making mistakes and learning from them makes you winners. One day you will stand before God and hear the words “well done”.

I didn’t want to leave this without sharing an idea we used with our teens on a youth retreat once. Some of our teens carried a lot of anger and resentment due to people failing them. We sent them on a walk on a farm with stations set up to stop at and then follow the instructions there. The most powerful thing they did was stop at the stone station. The instructions were to pick up a stone for each person they were angry at. They were to pray and forgive that person. Then they were to throw that stone across the field as they forgave them. They were not to leave until they had found peace in their hearts.

Do you need a pile of stones to throw? Just look into the invisible heavy backpack you have been wearing. Find a quiet place to seek God and toss those stones away. You will walk away from offenses that you have been collecting for a while.

Keep going and trust God to make you better and more like who He needs you to be.

Word for Today

 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-17

Song for Today Written and performed by Peter and his wife Gracie. Peter is her cargiver. I recently had the honor of meeting Peter.

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

I have accepted the call to be a caregiver. It is not an easy road. Please help me walk it. When I make mistakes, please forgive me and show me how to start over. Lift my spirit from the deep depths of despair. Teach me to walk with confidence knowing that you are with me. Give me ideas when mine are not working. Give me mentors who have already overcome their failures and moved on to finish the task.

On sleepless nights when I toss and turn, renew my mind with hope and peacefulness. Send friends and family to help share the load. Send strangers when no family or friend steps forward. Help me to turn anger at those I had counted on over to you before bitterness creeps in.

Forgive my mistakes and teach me how to forgive others. Work on all of us as we struggle to get this right.

We praise you for never forsaking us.

Amen

Even caregivers are hearing and seeing the news and becoming heartbroken by what they are processing. Imagine having dementia and hearing words such as terrorist, war, torture, death or kidnapping. They may not have the ability to know it is across the ocean and not in their own neighborhood.

I urge you to shield and protect them from the words and images that can produce serious anxiety. While you my want to know what is going on, you must be cautious with what they might see or overhear.

Your life as a caregiver has its own trials and problems. Be careful to not become overwhelmed. Your added stress is easily picked up on by family members, especially the young and those with dementia. They are very adept at reading facial expressions. When you are anxious, take a moment to compose yourself before interacting. Say a prayer, listen to uplifting music and take a few deep breaths.

We can all pray for God’s peace.

Word for Today John 16:31-33 Jesus speaking to his disciples

“Do you now believe?” Jesus replied.  “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.

 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for making a way for us to have comfort and peace through your son, Jesus. On the days that are hard and we feel alone, you give us peace when the world is troubled. Help us to focus on you and your faithfulness to us.

Amen

What happens when we ignore the flashing warning light on our car dashboard?

If you find yourself sitting on the side of the road with smoke pouring out from under the hood, you know this is not going to be an easy fix. 

Families and friends often recall there were warnings to alert them that someone was not running at their best.  We tend to ignore the signs and keep moving ahead like nothing is amiss.

There may be misplaced items when you visit dad.  He isn’t joking and laughing like he used to.  In fact he has become a little irritable.  It could be normal aging.  He could feel bad or it could be the beginning of dementia.

There are signs to watch for that indicate Mild Cognitive Decline

• Problem processing information
• Poor judgment
• Mood changes that are unpredictable
• Frequent loss of things
• Repeating stories or phrases in the same conversation
• Impulsive behavior 
• Memory lapses
• Struggles with language
• Difficulty with decision making
• Overwhelmed with complex task

Possible Causes of MCD

• Stress, depression or anxiety
• Thyroid, kidney or liver problems
• Sleep disorders
• Low vitamin B12 levels
• Infections (especially urinary tract infections)
• Vision or hearing problems
• Side effects of medications

Your risk of later developing dementia caused by Alzheimer’s disease or other neurological conditions may be greater if you have MCD.  Some people never get worse.

It is critical to watch for the signs and let a neurologist examine them.  Do not just ignore the signs.

Since I referenced the car to begin with, I will get on my soapbox for a few minutes.  Taking the car keys is not fun!  You must recognize that memory loss is not the only issue.  Tracking devices can be used. Judging the situation, having slower reflex responses, changes in spatial distance, and not being able to remain focused are the other issues. 

Last week I was on a 4 lane road when I noticed everyone getting over.  A car was traveling at 5 miles per hour.  People were changing lanes and zipping past it.  Alarms went off in my head.  I passed slowly and observed the driver.  She was in her 80’s and looking around frantically.  I decided to pull over, let her pass and get behind her.  My plan was to call 911 and follow her until someone arrived to assist her.  

As I waited for her to near me, she put her blinker on and pulled into a parking lot.  She was on her phone when I approached her car.  She let her window down and told me she was on the phone.  I heard a man’s voice and asked if it was her son.  She replied, “yes”.  I asked her if I could speak to him.  She simply handed me the phone.  

After explaining that I observed his mom driving so slow and realizing she must be lost, I offered to assist.  I told him my name and that I taught classes about Alzheimer’s disease and led support groups for caregivers.  I gave him my number and advised him to check me out through the library where I taught.

He shared that his mom was lost and this had happened a few times in the past.  I drove to her destination and had her follow me.

This is why you take the car keys.  What I left out in this situation is that she was 2 counties from her home. If she had simply kept driving, she would have been in another state in 15 minutes. It is evident that her judgment is impaired as well. She was super friendly, rolled her window down, and handed me her phone. I am trust worthy and was doing what I could to protect her.

She could have been shot because of road rage. She could have been taken hostage. She could have been robbed. She could have been hit by someone not paying close attention. Our world is not as safe as it used to be.

Do not be afraid to watch for the signs of dementia. If it is dementia, you cannot change it. You can change you to prepare for the future. You are becoming a caregiver. I recently read two statements that have remined on my mind and caused a lot of reflection.

Caregiving doesn’t end your life. It changes it.

Few would respond to this job description

Caregiver -Life changing job

• Long hours (36 hours a day)
• Do all driving, meal prep, cleaning, lawn work and laundry
• Able to handle emotional outburst
• Specialize in finding lost objects
• Never argue your point
• Provide calmness in the midst of chaos
• Be an advocate with doctors, lawyers, insurance agents
• No sick days, holidays or vacation
• Expect NO PAY and EXTRA EXPENSES

You will be responding if you love the one needing care. When you say yes, God shows up. He walks each step with you. You are not alone. You will find that God placed everything inside of you that you will need. You will be challenged and stretched like never before. You will lose your pride. It will be more important to focus on what really matters than to see and be seen on social media. You will make sacrifices. You will make difficult choices. You might even feel isolated, lonely and deserted by family and freinds. Jesus walks through the trials with you.

You are strong enough to notice the signs and seek out help. You are strong enough to handle the diagnosis. You are strong enough to be a caregiver. Don’t bury your head in the sand.

Word for Today

Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
 You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory. Psalm 73:23-24

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

This is a big request today. Open my eyes to see that the needs around me. Give me ears to hear as you guide me. I admit this brings a little fear but I trust you to be with me.

Amen

Being a caregiver is exhausting.  It is so easy to forget that even a few moments in nature can refresh us.  I encourage you to set aside a few minutes each day to get outdoors.  Think back to what it was like to explore with a toddler.  They pick up rocks, smell flowers, chase butterflies.  They have fun.  When you explore with an older adult with dementia, it can be similar. Instead of a stroller you may have a walker or wheelchair.  Take your loved one out.  Slow down.  Talk about what you hear, smell and see. You may find a renewed connection that you have been missing intensely.

For me spring raced into summer and a family wedding that required travel. On this trip we had no agenda except to be at the wedding on time. We stopped to buy zinnias at a roadside stand. We pulled over to take in views of the Shenandoah valley and coast of Maryland. We revisited the falls we swam under 42 years ago. Caregiving has truly made me never take special moments for granted. I realize that my husband and best friend is not getting younger. We need to reboot after years of raising children and being caregivers to our parents. We need to enjoy the simple things.

Fall is approaching now and I love watching the colors change, so a drive on Natchez Trace into Tennessee is on my mind. We usually see plenty of deer and wild turkeys. What can you do to enjoy the change of seasons? Perhaps have hot cocoa while sitting near a window or watching football is an option. Drive to a park and watch children play if you can get outside. Walk in the leaves and kick them up even. Relax and live in the moment.

I have to share that two exciting things for me are our local Walk to End Alzheimer’s and an annual symposium for caregivers that a group I belong to hosts. If there is a walk near you, please get your family and friends to walk to honor the one you take care of.

Our symposium is in the northwest corner of Alabama. Anyone interested in coming can leave a comment for more information. It is free and lunch is provided. God has orchestrated us securing some incredible speakers. We will learn, laugh and cry together. We don’t plan that. It just always happens when you are surrounded with people who know just how you feel.

When you question how can I do these things you suggest. Know that you just take a moment when you can. God will meet you on this journey. I give Him credit for so many of the ideas he gives me for caregivers. My husband just shared today with a friend that when he is really struggling with a complex problem at work, God awakens him with a solution. He cares about every detail of your life. Place your trust and hope in that.

Word for Today

James 1:5

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

We praise you for being steadfast in our world and homes. Life is swirling around us with so many loud voices calling for our attention. We are already stretched meeting the needs of the one we care for. You are always the same and never changing. Anchor us in you and your word as we get pulled in many directions. Give us your wisdom and peace.

Amen

I have never met a caregiver who is perfect. We try. We make sacrifices. We give it our best shot. Then stress adds up. Exhaustion takes over. We get overwhelmed and then before we realize it, we simply fail. Our heart is broken and we feel guilty for losing our cool.

This is when we need to step aside and regroup. If it is possible, remove yourself from the room for a few moments. As you settle yourself, keep it mind that the one you are caring for may not even remember the event when you return.

We do not have the ability to remain loaded down with guilt. We must face the reality of our failure, learn from our mistakes, seek help if necessary and then forgive ourselves. Perhaps you can have one friend on standby who can talk and pray with you.

God gave us a beautiful example of forgiveness in Peter. Peter loved Jesus and was devoted to him. When life got complicated and fear set in, Peter lost it. He became angry and drew his sword when they came to arrest Jesus. He became frightened in the courtyard as he watched what was happening to Jesus. He became so frightened that he denied even knowing Jesus. He then fled and wept bitterly because of his shame and guilt.

The three long days that followed the cruxifiction of Jesus were filled with great sorrow and broken heartedness of his mother and friends. I can only imagine that Peter’s grief and guilt were suffocating. On the third day when news spread that Jesus had risen from the grave, Peter most likely had his joy overshadowed by fear and guilt.

Jesus greeted Peter warmly. He died for our forgiveness and Peter was transformed into a powerful minister after this forgiveness. God offers this same gift to you. Take time to recieve this and forgive yourself. God has a powerful ministry ahead of you as a caregiver and then later as a survivor who can encourage new caregivers.

Caregiving draws forth strength and courage. You will discover things about yourself on this journey. You will become patient, creative, compassionate, and kinder than you were before. You will also cherish the small pleasures of watching a sunset or listening to music. You will never take having time to sip a cup of coffee or tea for granted again.

The world is confusing all around us due to human decisions and demands. Your world inside your home can be confusing due to a disease that is ravaging someone’s mind through no decision or action of their own. That is the small world to focus your attention on. You are the light shining brightly as you dispense love each day. Those passing by living in the larger chaotic world will see a glimmer of the light you shine as it slips through the blinds. They long for the light you have.

Forgive yourself. Accept God’s amazing grace. Keep loving and letting your light shine. You have a beautiful heart. Keep moving forward.

Word for Today

John 14:6

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

1 John 1:5

Light and Darkness, Sin and Forgiveness

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for meeting us when we are weak. Give me forgiveness and let me feel your presence as I face trails and feel discouraged. You are my defender and ever present help. I praise you for always being with me.

Amen

I have a confession to make. Most of the time, I do not enjoy shopping. My mom was the opposite. She loved shopping. This lady had clothes, jewelry and purses for every occasion. She always looked well put together. One of the signs of dementia I noticed first was how she was dressing.

This will become a serious issue when you must shop for someone with dementia. A recent blog post about bras jogged my memory about my great bra shopping event with my mom. When I look back, it was funny. One the day of the event, it was not.

I purposely chose a store in the local mall that had large dressing rooms. Finding a great fitting bra can be an adventure. Finding a great fitting bra for someone else can be exhausting. I looked at the size in my mom’s bras at home. Armed with this knowledge, we headed to the store. Locating the lingerie department was easy. Navigating mom through the aisles of clothing to get there was not so easy. Imagine walking a three year old through hangers showcasing princess costumes. They want to try them all on!

Upon arrival at the lingerie, I selected about 12 brands and styes that might work. No one needs to leave someone with dementia alone in a dressing room to get other selections. Mom would have only been more anxious and distracted by a sales person assisting us. Each bra I put on her was dismissed with excuses. She simply wanted one just like the one she wore into the store. This style had been discontinued. After hearing excuse after excuse why each bra would not work, I was tired and my patience was wearing thin. I stated, “Mom, we are not leaving this store until we find a new bra for you”. She looked in the mirror and replied, “This one works”.

Before she could change her mind, I got her dressed and quickly found 4 exactly like the one she agreed to and headed to the checkout register. I was practically dancing around because I had to go to the restroom. We checked out and I directed her toward the restroom. She balked. She needed to shop, not go to the restroom. I pleaded with her to come with me. She walked toward a rack of clothing. Desperation was setting in and the last thing I needed was an angry outburst. I mouthed to our cashier, “Please watch my mom and keep her in this store while I go to the restroom”. A quick nod of her head sent me hurrying off. I walked in and silently prayed for God to keep her safe for the few minutes I was away.

Fortunately, I was able to take my mom shopping for new bras. Can you imagine my dad standing in the lingerie section trying them on over her clothing? What if you are a son and the caregiver? Recruit a female relative if you can.

While at the mall, we headed to another store she frequented. I spotted “buy one get one” tops for me. After making my selection, I asked mom to come with me to the dressing room. She told me to go by myself because she was still looking. That’s when I had to become needy. I explained to mom that I didn’t have a friend to tell me how I looked in the tops. I really needed her opinion. She fell for it and came with me. I decided on two tops. Mom then informed me that she like them very much and wanted two just like mine. So off we went to find her tops. I am so thankful they had her size.

Grocery shopping is even more fun. My dad insisted that mom really wanted to go with me. He handed me his debit card and told me to use it. I pushed the cart gathering what we truly needed while mom chose ice cream, cookies and candy. I could limit my children and even grandchildren to a few select items. I chose to let mom buy what she wanted. I paid for the “real” food and assisted her to pay with their card for her goodies.

I left off some of our most entertaining shopping adventures. Those were funny, embarrassing and interesting. I share those with just the family. You will have your own stories that your family will cherish as time passes.

Advice for shopping for clothing:

When the disease progresses, transition their clothing. Pull on tops and bottoms make life easier. Choose basic items that are easily matched. When incontinence becomes as issue, look for clothing that launders easily. You will have a lot of laundry and no time to iron.

They may love one shirt and only want to wear it. Buy another one and switch them while they are sleeping if you have to.

At home, let them wear what they want. One caregiver complained that his wife insisted on wearing three sweaters to bed. We told him that was not a battle to fight. He let her and said she shed them quickly once she felt too warm.

Limit choices they have to make. Show your husband a red shirt and a blue shirt. Then his choice is easier than showing him a closet full to choose from.

I discovered some beautiful scarfs for my mother-in-law, These allow her to save her dignity in the dining room without staining her clothing.

I hope my story and suggestions will be beneficial to you.

Word for Today

Do Not Worry

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Matthew 6:25

Song for Today

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for caring about even the little things. Something as simple as finding clothing can cause tension. Help us to remember you cloth us with the fruit of the spirit which include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. When we get frustrated, help us to turn to you seeking these gifts to help us as caregivers. Remind us that when we fail, you forgive and strengthen us for the task ahead.

Amen

Let’s face the fact that caregiving is stressful. Stressed people usually have little time for self care. It sounds great but who has the time to do it? Personally, I know the stress I faced as a caregiver caused me to put my own health at risk. You are most likely doing the same.

When I carved out the time to do water aerobics, it was a tremendous stress reliever and benefited me physically and mentally. It was something I enjoy. Actually it has been found that simple excercises such as swimming, walking or running are the best at reducing stress. You don’t have to be an athlete or in great shape to benefit from stress management. Choose an activity that you enjoy. It can be stair climbing, gardening, dancing or whatever you choose. Walking the dog doesn’t require a gym membership. Your life is compliacated. Keep exercise simple.

Movement is very important for someone living with Alzheimer’s or other aging dementias. Today I am sharing a link you can do at home.

Sometimes you deal with behavior issues because the person is bored. These and other excercises can be fun for both of you. Think about things you can do to keep moving based on the mobility of the one you care for. Get outdoors to exercise when it is possible. Fresh air and vitamin D from the sun are good for both of you.

When thinking of ideas for exercise for someone with dementia, reflect on what they enjoyed in the past. If they were a bowler, consider gets a child’s bowling set that can be used in a hall. If they were a programmer, give them an old keyboard. My husband is a programmer and he asked if that is what I intend to do if he should get dementia. That started some gears turning in my mind. This man gardens, hunts, fishes, likes to pan for gold, plays guitar, forages, metal detects, does woodworking and is a beekeeper. I supposed I could suit him up and sit him in front of the beehives or hand him sandpaper and a block. While these sound amusing, they would work.

God designed our body to handle stress with endorphines and dopamine.  Endorphins can relieve pain, produce feelings of pleasure, reduce stress and increase relaxation. One way to stimulate the release of endorphins is through exercise. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter made in your brain.  It plays a role in memory, movement, mood and attention to name a few.

Exercise kickstarts these hormones. So it is time to move it!

Seriously, I am writing this after coming in from the pool. I feel refreshed and clear headed. Am I an athlete? No way! Am I skinny and fit? Absolutely not. Am I becoming more aware of how important it is to take better care of my body? Yes, I am! I best take care of my hubby too so I don’t have to use any of my above ideas. Together we can stay active and healthy. Share your ideas in a comment. I would love to hear from you.

Word for Today

The fear of the Lord is pure,
    enduring forever.
The decrees of the Lord are firm,
    and all of them are righteous.

 They are more precious than gold,
    than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
    than honey from the honeycomb.

Psalm 19:9-11

Song for Today A Reminder that God moves!

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for always being on the move in our lives. Let this remind us that as we move to keep our bodies healthy, you want us to be on the move seeking you in our lives. We need you to ease our fears and anxiety when time contraints and demands keep us from stepping away to exercise. Give us strength and hope to serve as a caregiver each day.

Amen

Body builders do not gain their strength overnight. It is a process that involves dedication, determination, pain, focus and commitment. Long hours are spent lifting weights and conditioning their bodies. There is a quote “Everyone wants to be a bodybuilder, but no one wants to lift heavy weights!”.

You may be questioning what this has to do with caregiving. Keep reading and you will discover it all applies to your role.

When you heard a diagnosis from the doctor or suspected there was something different about a family member or friend’s behavior, there may have been a fleeting thought of I am not equipped to deal with this. You are, you just don’t realize it yet. Each month I sit in a library conference room surrounded by caregivers. They are strong. They are courageous and they are conditioning every day for the task before them.

In my mind, I see bodybuilders laboring away in the gym. Exhausting themselves to attain muscles and toned bodies. My caregivers make sacrifices. They endure pain. They remain focused. They are dedicated! By educated themselves, by diligently pushing through hard times, by asking for a spotter when the weights are too heavy and by taking care of their own minds and bodies they are ready to endure the journey of caregiving.

Don’t ever let anyone accuse caregivers of being quitters, whiners or lazy. Caregivers are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I openly ask my group questions such as “how are you?” or “What is your biggest struggle right now?”. They are learning that our group is a safe place to be honest. They can state the truth and it is never considered whining or complaining. It is simply letting us know the weights are heavy and I need a spotter to help out for a few minutes. If that works in the gym with bodybuilders then it works for us too.

As I was seriously thinking about this post, my phone rang. It was a family member who has an elderly mom and a housebound husband. Her role is usually demanding. Our call was interrupted by a call from her mom. I turned back to writing, only to have her call back.

Our conversation was so funny, I had to share. Her mom called to let her know she had pooped. Yes, you read that right. Her mom’s medications cause constipation. My cousin then laughed as she explained her daily schedule had to revolve around when her husband pooped. What does this have to do with bodybuilders? Nothing, except I guess they poop too. Parents will be familiar with a child’s book called Everybody Poops. Well caregivers understand this way too well! The first support group I ever attended had two little women in their late 80’s who shared that shaving cream applied to the posterior region helped clean their husband’s quite well.

Caregivers serve those they care for with much humility. They don’t strut their buff bodies around the gym. They just quietly exercise their muscles expecting no ohh’s and ahh’s from a cheering crowd.

Word for Today

Ecclesiastes 3:1

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

Song for Today

Go ahead and get some exercise since this started with bodybuilders..

Prayer for Today

Dear God,

Thank you for always being our strenghth. Some days bring surprises. Some bring challenges. You are with us through it all. Give us the courage to faces these with humility and grace. Help us to stop occassionly and simply enjoy the simple pleasures as well.

Amen