Caregivers can be with someone and feel lonely. Your heart longs for her to squeeze your hand and look into your eyes like she used to. You miss someone who can finish your sentences and laugh at your jokes. You miss his strong arms holding you close and letting you cry. This isn’t how you expected things to be in your marriage.
At the same time, your love for them, just as they are now, is more powerful and intense than ever before. You would not really want to be anywhere else. Some days are just hard and full of challenges.
People may want to help. It takes time to ask for help. It takes time to explain so others can understand how to best provide care. It takes trust to leave your loved one with someone else. The process can be exhausting, so you sigh and just do it all yourself.
You are joined by many. Most caregivers have felt what you are feeling. I felt lonely it in the middle of the night in an emergency room with my mom. I felt lonely driving back and forth when my caregiving was long distance. I felt it sitting beside my dad who no longer had conversations with me. It hurts, but it so worth letting the other person know you are simply with them.
When you need a place to cry, turn to Jesus. He prayed in a garden while his companions fell asleep. He was betrayed by a disciple that he shared a meal with. Sometimes we feel like Jesus is the only one who understands.
I am keeping this simple today. Know you are never alone and can always turn to Jesus.
Word for Today
Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
Today I feel lonely even though I know you are with me always. I need you to truly be my heavenly father. I need to know you always see my circumstances. Please heal my heart and give me peace.
I am not a cargiver at this present season in my life. Sometimes I sit and reflect on what I experienced during the season I was a caregiver. This pushes me to continue learning and sharing with you and the other caregivers in my life.
Today I want to look at the issues that you face when someone is showing signs of Alzheimer’s and related dementias. You may notice these signs before a physician gives you a diagnosis. They can be unnerving. You feel like the person you know has turned into someone else. My well dressed and organized mom was misplacing important things due to feeling a need to hide them.
Her choice of clothing was way off. Things were mismatched. Anyone who knew her knew that she always matched or coordinated down to her jewelry and shoes. I look back at photos and realize I missed a huge clue that something was wrong. Mom loved babies. She always held them close and snuggled them on her shoulder. When my first grandchild was born, Mom and Dad came to visit. In the photos Dad has her snuggled close. Mom placed her across her lap and patted her there. In my excitement over the baby, I failed to observe this. It should have been my biggest clue that something was wrong.
Do not ignore these little clues. Everyone ages and changes but pay close attention to clues that this may be more than normal aging. The changes may start happening slowly, like a rainfall begins. You will see one drop fall and then another. Soon the ripple effect will be noticed.
You may be asking yourself what do I look for. The guy shown below is disheveled, frustrated and angry. Don’t let things get this out of hand before learning more. I would like to introduce you to cognitive symptoms and neuropsychatric symptoms.
What are these?
Cognitive symptoms include
memory loss
trouble finding words
getting lost
not recognizing people and places
loss of the ability to make decisions
handling finances
Most people realize these symptoms occur with Alzheimer’s or related dementias.
Neuropsychiatric symptoms include
Loss of motor activity such as buttoning a shirt
Wandering
Apathy
Depression
Agitation and Aggression
Irritability
Delusions
Hallucinations
Sleeping disorders
Eating disorders
Most people are surprised and even shocked by these symptoms. These symptoms can occur at any stage of the disease. I witnessed all of the above as I helped care for my mother with Alzheimer’s disease and my mother-in-law with vascular dementia. The delusions and hallucinations were stronger in my mother-in-law.
I had to educate myself through research to build my skill set to deal with some of these symptoms. There were times I failed. For instance, I was trying to keep my mother-in-law on the bed because she was in the hospital due to a fall. She was a fall risk. I was sitting at the foot of the bed blocking her exit route. She was yelling, hitting and kicking. I had rang the nurse for assistance. While I waited she yelled that I was the most demanding person she had ever met. In frustrationa and exhaustion, I replied, “No, you are”. Fortunately, she quickly forgot this and help arrived. I slipped into the hall and cried. I had to always be careful to remember who she was before the disease and remind myself that the words and actions were a result of the disease.
If you have seen any of the above symptoms, please consult with a geriatric physician, psychiatrist or neurologist for an evaluation if you have not already.
The best option for treatment when the symptoms are mild is not with medication. Sometimes you can change the environment and redirect attention.
Always attempt to remain calm as a caregiver. Do not argue! It always results in frustration for you and the one you are caring for.
Here are a few ideas of things you can try when symptoms appear.
Music therapy
Aroma therapy
Exercise
Animal or pet therapy
These can be simple and inexpensive. Simply play their favorite music in the home. Dispense essential oils through a diffuser. Lavender may help them relax. Citrus helps in making them more alert at meal time. Take a walk or do exercises in a chair. If they love pets, have friends bring pets to visit.
These may or may not work. Music calmed my mom. When my mom refused to eat things that were not sweet she would stick the tip of her tongue out to taste what was on the spoon. If it was sweet, she would open her mouth. It is amazing how many pureed meals were eaten because we learned to dip the end of the spoon in yogurt or ice cream.
My mother-in-law loved pets dearly. In her last days she had become very withdrawn. I scrambled to find her a robotic cat. I turned it on and walked into her room with it. Just as I placed it in her lap, it meowed and lifted a paw. She instantly began talking to it and rubbing it.
Get creative. You may be surprised by how little things can ease the tension.
There may come a time that medications are necessary. Work with the doctor. Keep them informed of changes. Ask questions. All medications carry a risk.
Some medications can cause confusion and make the patient a fall risk.
Inform friends and family when these symptoms begin to occur. Everyone needs to be prepared. I received a call one morning from my mother-in-law. She wanted me to know someone was visiting her. She said they knocked on the window and waved. She was waiting for them to come to her room. My husband texted the friend. She was not even in the same city at the moment. If I did not already know mom was having issues, I would have believed her. The delusions are very real for them. They can be quite convincing.
Neighbors need to know as well. My mom actually went in through a neighbor’s basement door, walked through the house and into the bathroom where the neighbor was in a towel after showering. She looked up into her mirror to see my mom standing there. Imagine that shock!
A caregiver in my support group left his wife watching the television while he bathed. The house was empty when he finished. He grabbed his clothes and shoes quickly. As he opened his door to search for her, an officer was on his porch to ask if he was looking for a woman. She had wandered down the block. A man had called 911 and they were about to leave with her in an ambulance.
Here is an important thing to remember. Suddenly, a gentle lamb can turn into a roaring lion. It can be scary. Step one should be to get them checked for a urinary tract infection.
My support group members share what has worked and not worked for them. Please find a support group online or in your area. Here are a few clever ideas they have come up with.
Use shaving cream to clean dirty bottoms
Remove and hide stove knobs so the stove cannot be turned on
Tie the faucet to the cabinet so it cannot be turned around and flood the kitchen.
Hide the liquid dishwashing detergent…imagine an “I Love Lucy” episode
Crush pills and mix them in the the cream of a Little Debbie oatmeal cake
Buy kids blocks to keep hands busy
Give mom a broom and make sure someone “accidentally” keeps blowing leaves on the porch.
Never trust that they swallow all pills. They are skilled at swallowing water and then spitting pills out when you turn your back.
Ice cream solves everything!
The symptoms above are not shared to scare you. They are shared to prepare you.
Be strong. Continue to seek information. Trust God for ideas.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Heavenly Father,
I know that you see my situation. Equip me with creativity to handle symtoms that arise. Give me compassion and understanding when I deal with behaviors brought on by disease. Give me courage as I find my way each day.
Contentment is something I decided to focus on this year. One source I read defined contentment as being free of worry. I see contentment as accepting the situation I find myself in while trusting God with the things I cannot change.
.
While pondering this blog idea, I awoke to the above early last week. For a southern girl it was wonderful. My contentment was easy with an 8 inches of snow outside the door. Our gas logs were working, food was stocked and hot chocolate and hot tea were enjoyed. The contentment was tested when the temps were very low for us. Rural life in southern states means no snow plows will be clearing your road. It was nine days of snow with icy roads. Someone accustomed to this weather can go ahead and laugh.
As a caregiver, you may wonder if you can be content and how do you remain content in ever changing situations.
These are great questions. You must face the reality of things in your life that cannot be changed. To accept this reality is not always easy. Each caregiver situation is different and we are all equipped with different abilities.
My northern friends are well equipped to handle the snow. You may not be as well equipped to handle our southern heat and humidity. We have air conditioners and fans everywhere.
In life as a caregiver, the weather isn’t as big of a challenge to navigate as emotional storms, physical exhaustion and spiritual ups and downs are. Finding contentment in all of this can be a struggle itself.
A big difference for many is learning to live in the moment. Don’t dwell on what you have lost. Don’t live in anxiety about what comes next. Allow yourself to look for the bright moments in each day. Some days may be so trying that it is a stretch for you. Watch this example of a little girl named Pollyanna.
I have been called a Pollyanna.
Pollyanna is probably the most misunderstood fictional character of 20th century American literature. When most people think of Pollyanna, they think of an overly optimistic goody-goody who doesn’t see the harsh reality of the world. The term Pollyanna has taken on quite a negative connotation, and you frequently hear people using the term apologetically—I hate to be a Pollyanna, or critically—Stop being such a Pollyanna.
In fact, Pollyanna was not unrealistic or overly optimistic about anything. She was a little girl with a very poor but very wise father who recognized the duality of everything in life and taught her to play a game based on this idea.
Pollyanna’s game was known as the “glad game.” One day Pollyanna’s father, who was a church missionary supported by donations from the Ladies’ Aid Society, received a long-awaited donation box for his family. Pollyanna, who had very few toys, had been wishing with all her might for a doll, but the only thing for her to play with was a broken pair of crutches.
When Pollyanna started to cry, her father promised her that if she stopped crying he would teach her to play a game that would bring her more happiness than any doll ever could. He taught her that in every situation, no matter how bad it might seem, you could always find something to be glad about if you looked hard enough.
Pollyanna and her father played that game every day, looking as hard as they could to find the thing they could be glad about in every situation. The more difficult the situation, the more fun and challenging it was for them.1 1. Porter, Eleanor, H. (1990). Pollyanna. Puffin Classics. London.
Psychologists and researchers are talking about how gratitude affects the brain. Some are finding that feeling thankful has health benefits such as improved sleep and less anxiety. You don’t even have to buy a pill for these benefits.
God’s word addresses having gratitude:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippians 4:6)
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15)
Maybe the key to contentment is showing gratitude for the little things. There were times when my mother was bedridden and in pain. I would sit by her side praying for her with tears streaming down my cheeks. Feeling helpless when I could not comfort her was not a placeI ever want to return to. Those days were ones that I struggled to play the glad game. I dug deep and decided to thank God that I could be there holding her hand so she would know she was not alone.
You will have days that you have to dig deep to find something to be thankful for. I encourage you to do the digging. You will realize that you do have things to be grateful for.
Word for Today
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:22-24
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
I am grateful every day for your presence in my life. You know my heart and struggles. Help me to remember that your are with me each morning with mercy, grace, compassion and forgiveness. Your faithfulness is something I can always be grateful for. Remind me of this when I become fretful.
“Time is lost when we have not lived a full human life, time unenriched by experience, creative endeavor, enjoyment, and suffering.”
– Dietrich Bonhoeffer
When most of your time is spent as a caregiver, you tend to forget that part of a full life includes some suffering. You are challenged daily. These trials cause you to dig deeper to find the fortitude to keep going.
Most of us know that someone with dementia has trouble with time perception. You can go to take a shower and return to a frantic and anxious person who insists that you have been gone for several hours.
Looking back I remember when a day seemed to be way longer than it was. I longed for nighttime when I could let my guard down and relax after my loved one was asleep. Now that my parents and in-laws are free from Alzheimer’s, vascular dementia and cancer after transitioning to heaven, I realize just how fast the time really went. Did I make the most of that time? Did I record their voice and images to cherish now when I miss them? Did I just sit and hold their hand when they were lonely?
I think I must be have been suffering from a different version of time perception. I remember my dad saying that time seems to pass faster as you get older. Now I completely understand why he said this. Who is that older woman staring at me in the mirror? Is it really about to be 2024?
Have you thought about what this next year may hold for you? Caregivers find themselves in a position that involves planning and remaining flexible. It is a juggling act that is hard to master.
Making resolutions for the new year may be simple:
Try to eat right and stay healthy
Accept the fact that change is inevitable.
Focus on what is important.
Cherish the moments that connections are real.
Allow others to pick up part of the load you carry as a caregiver.
Trust God for strength and wisdom.
Here are a few thoughts to consider.
Always have a backup person should you have an emergency yourself or illness.
Keep a note book with a list of doctors, medications, food allergies, veternarians, children’s phone numbers, food likes and dislikes. Everything that you have stored in your memory that assists you as a caregiver needs to be there for your backup.
If you have a usual grocery list, post it inside a cabinet door. You can order it and let a friend pick it up for you.
Keep your power of attorney, medical directives and list of medications in a folder in your vehicle. You may need it and not have them with you. Take a photo and keep in on your phone.
When you leave the house have a small backpack. Take a change of underwear, depends, wipes, snacks and fidget toys Would you leave the house to run errands or for doctor visits with a toddler without these items? You have to do this for an adult who is becoming incontinent. They also get hungry and impatient when having to wait for any length of time.
Schedule appointments around nap times. Avoid scheduling any activites in the late afternoon.
I hope these suggestions help. Unfortunately, you have no way of knowing what changes will occur as dementia progresses. God alone knows the timing of this. As you listen to His still small voice, you will be ready to face the changes.
You are vital as the caregiver. It is so very important to allow someone to assist from time to time. That is the only way they can step in for you. You have to educate them.
And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
I praise you for always having time for me even when I don’t treasure that time as I should. Teach me how to pray throughout my busy day. I need your guidance and reassurance. Show me how to hear your voice and to follow the path you have for me.
Yes, you read it right. I meant to say “Mary Christmas” My last post was about unexpected peace. Today I would like to expound on this idea. We will return to the story of Mary.
Mary was in need of a peaceful night. She had been on a most amazing adventure. I want to share a little about Mary’s months leading up to the night she gave birth. She, an ordinary girl, was visited by an angel. When the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary he spoke these words “Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God.”
I did a little research and discovered that the words do not be afraid were used over 72 times in the Bible before Mary heard them. Past history made no mention of God’s favor following the words do not be afraid. This stood out enough to catch my attention.
Having the favor of God means having grace and support. God knew Mary would be judged, gossiped about, misunderstood and shunned for being an unwed mother. No human had ever been asked to bear the weight of carrying the Son of God in her womb. Peolpe would not believe her story. I imagine Mary felt alone and scared. God showered her with grace. This grace became her strength and support to see the task God had given her through to the end. That task would also include seeing her son she bore nailed to a cross.
The pain would have been unbearable without God’s grace.
Mary and Joseph traveled and waited in a stable on that night of Jesus’ birth. The stars were shining brightly. The sounds were those of animals huddled in the stable with them. Their visitors were a few wisemen and a small group of shepherds. It was simple. It was peaceful. This peace is what I wish for you when I wish you a Mary Christmas.
Like Mary, you have experienced some pain. When a loved one develops dementia, human nature results in people judging, gossiping and even abandoning you in your journey. With patience and grace Mary trusted God. Few friends could comprehend. God revealed the truth to a relative named Elizabeth. This gave her a friend who understood.
Your Christmas may look and feel different if you slow down. Forget the hyped up lights, music and expectations we humans have made Christmas into. Return to the quiet starry night that brought Mary peace. Keep it simple. Return to the true reason for celebrating.
Two nights last week my husband and I were bundled up sitting in our field watching a meteor shower. The last year had been full of loss and pain. We had already decided this year Christmas would be different. We would keep it simple and marvel at the gift God sent under a starry night long ago. It was perfect. A true peace filled our hearts.
Mary gave birth to God’s son one night. She held her baby knowing her life had changed. God changed your world when he asked you to be a caregiver. You have His favor. God will give you peace just as he gave to Mary, my husband, and I.
Now you know why I wish you a Mary Christmas. This season can be filled with God’s favor. Walk in this favor. Ask him for wisdom in how to navigate family and friends. Ask God to send people to you who understand your journey.
I have listened to the voices of caregivers over the last couple of weeks. I hear loneliness, anxiety, exhaustion and frustration when I listen closely. If I could be there in person, I would wrap my arms around you and whisper “Be still and trust God”.
Word for Today
Acts 20:24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
Help me to trust that your favor is with me just as it was with Mary. On the difficult days, I will try to walk in gentleness. An angel may not have appeared to me saying do not be afraid, but just like Mary I face a daunting task. Sometimes I watch someone slipping away from me and long for who they once were. Give me grace as I continue my task of walking with them to their eternal home with you. I thank you for sending Christ to bring me hope.
This was the first Thanksgiving my husband and I have ever spent alone. No parents are alive to take care of or to spend time with. Our children and grandchildren live across the country. Our brothers were with their children and grands. I expected to feel sad and alone. Surprisingly, it was the opposite. I chose to not focus on past holiday activities or worry about future ones. I decided to live in the moment.
God knew the heaviness we had felt for so long and blessed us with incredible peace. We rented a mountain cabin in the foothills of Tennessee for the whole week. Our cell phones had no service. It was isolated and the view was amazing. We rocked on the porch and sipped our coffee. When we were hungry we ate. If someone got sleepy, they took a nap. We had no schedule. We read, walked outdoors, watched football, snuggled and prayed.
This was unexpected and was something I could not have thought possible just 12 months ago. We were about to enter several rough weeks as caregivers at that time. The month of round the clock shifts at the hospital and nursing home began on Dec. 2. It was a roller coaster ride that left us exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.
There are times that you forget you will have peace and a life that goes on after caregiving. I am writing this to remind you that your life will go on. Your heart will heal. You will still find purpose in life. Your days will move beyond just getting through to finding joy again.
You may even be asking yourself” who am I?”. You may have laid everything aside to be a caregiver. Your days have been filled with meeting the needs of someone else. You are a different person than you were when the caregiving journey began. You are more mature and seasoned from your experience.
While still on the journey, consider starting a journal. Think about new skills you have acquired. Reflect on how you have a changed perspective on what is important. Consider the circle of friends who have remained close and fellow caregivers who have become friends. Make a bucket list that you can look forward to in the future. Fear of the future can be faced with great courage because a caregiver has more grit and courage than most people.
God gave us so many examples in the bible of people who found themselves in painful and trying situations that were not what they had planned. Joseph was thrown into a pit, sold to strangers and then was thrown into prison because of a lying woman. I can only guess that God was building his character and preparing him for a day of unexpected peace when he was restored to his family.
Mary was a young woman waiting to marry her Joseph. Obviously, God had chosen her for an amazing task. Can you imagine the humiliation she must have faced being pregnant before she was married? The gossip of people had to be heard in every corner of the village. She had to trust God from a very young age. One night she gave birth in a stable. She felt God’s unexpected peace as she held her baby more than any other mother has ever had.
You are living a time of your life where you are set apart to focus on someone who depends on you every day. Some days are long and trying. God is building gifts in you that you didn’t even realize you had. When your time of caring is over, you will find new things to do. You will have peace that you never thought possible. Hold tightly to God because He is holding your tears, hopes and dreams near His heart.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear Heavenly Father,
I come to you today feeling as if life is full of change that I am not ready for. Becoming a caregiver was never what I expected my future to hold. In the midst of it, I trust you each day to calm the waves of frustration, exhaustion and fear. Give me hope that you will help me make it through. Hold my heart together as I feel like it is shattered.
Help me to trust you with my life after being a caregiver fades away. Mold me, refresh me and give me hope.
Every caregiver I know has made a mistake and then felt like a failure. My most recent one happened in a hospital almost a year ago. Now I can forgive myself and even see some humor in it. At the moment right after it happened I was standing in a hallway with tears streaming down my face.
My mother-in-law was a very determined woman who was used to getting her way. She had vascular dementia and was grieving the loss of her husband. A fall in the wee hours of the morning had caused a hospital stay. She was a fall risk, highly paranoid of everything and everyone and weak. My husband and I had been taking turns going home to rest. I had been with her all day. Anxiety had been building all day. The new medications prescribed for hallucinations and delusions had been ordered but not started. After fighting with her sheets, she was determined to get up. I was sitting at the corner of her bed with my arms spanning the corner between her bed rails while trying to be gentle and calm as she threw punches, kicked and yelled.
Imagine a five foot tall person sitting at the foot of the bed and blocking her from getting up. I had a foot stretched out trying to hit the nurse call button. Words were coming out that I had never heard from her. Then she screamed at me that I was the most demanding person she had ever met. Due to exhaustion, I lost it. I firmly replied back, “No, you are”.
Regret hit instantly. I knew it was the disease causing the behavior. I teach classes on how to remain calm and reassuring. Exhaustion and the pain of seeing her this way overtook me. When the nurses finally came, they immediately paged her doctor. He stopped outside her door to ask what was happening. After calmly filling him in, tears began to roll. My husband, who had no idea of what had just transpired, turned the corner. He saw my tears and ran to me with a look of fear. I reassured him that his mom was still very much alive and then escaped to a waiting room to pull myself back together.
I sat in a corner asking God to forgive me for not being more patient. Just like the photo above, I had palced a sign on myself saying “FAILURE!”. God forgave me and for the next few weeks I sat patiently by my mother-in-law’s side. I massaged her hands with lotion. I pushed her to the window to watch birds at the feeder, I gently coached her to eat. We listened to music and she brushed a stuffed cat we had given her. In the last moments, my husband and I sat holding her hand and praying. God enabled us to be the caregiver she deserved.
How do you move beyond feeling like a failure? Every caregiver I know has felt like a failure. We made a choice to respond in a way that is not the best. The feelings of regret, guilt and hopelessness eat away at us.
Caregivers make mistakes. Causes of mistakes can be any of the below:
Lack of knowledge
Exhaustion
Frustration
Anger
Resentment of no help
Financial stress
Lack of sleep
Changes in behavior issues
Isolation
Each of us can remember the day we blew it. We can beat ourselves up or try again. Truthfully, you have no choice but to try again. Try to focus on what you did right. Ask for forgiveness. Correct what you got wrong. Wipe the tears. Remove the failure sign from around your neck and start over.
If you are a football fan, you most likely have heard of Jalen Hurts. He had a bright future and loads of potential as a starting quarterback at the University of Alabama. He was benched because of a few poorly executed plays in an important playoff game. He watched another quartrback from the sidelines for a whole season before transfering to Oklahoma and then went on to be an unlikely draft pick. Today he leads the Philadelphia eagles.
Jalen chose to use the defeats and pain to grow stronger. He didn’t give up when the going got tough. He dug in and worked hard to be a success. Many long nights were spend as he mulled over disappointments.
You may not be an athlete, but you have to have the same determination and drive to be a caregiver. You spend long nights mulling over how you became a caregiver and how a disease has robbed you of dreams.
Try putting the emphasis on the positive.
The only way I survived was trusting God to guide my steps. He taught me to focus on grace instead of guilt. He taught me to serve without becoming bitter toward those who didn’t step up to help. His steadfast love toward me showed me how to give the same unconditional love to others. His forgiveness when I failed allowed me to forgive myself.
This past weekend I was honored to sit in a room for a day with family and professional caregivers. I looked into the eyes of people who give it their best and still have failures. It let me know cargiving is hard for all of us. Together we learned, laughed, cried and shared our stories. This was not an awards ceremony with red carpets and fancy clothes . Cheerleaders and fans were not going crazy on the sidelines. No large checks or trophies were handed out. We didn’t need that. We all looked around and understood we were winners!
You said yes to caregiving. You are a winner.
You, however, have chosen to face challenges that are downright hard. You receive little glory and no money. You are strong because you pick yourself up and keep going. Making mistakes and learning from them makes you winners. One day you will stand before God and hear the words “well done”.
I didn’t want to leave this without sharing an idea we used with our teens on a youth retreat once. Some of our teens carried a lot of anger and resentment due to people failing them. We sent them on a walk on a farm with stations set up to stop at and then follow the instructions there. The most powerful thing they did was stop at the stone station. The instructions were to pick up a stone for each person they were angry at. They were to pray and forgive that person. Then they were to throw that stone across the field as they forgave them. They were not to leave until they had found peace in their hearts.
Do you need a pile of stones to throw? Just look into the invisible heavy backpack you have been wearing. Find a quiet place to seek God and toss those stones away. You will walk away from offenses that you have been collecting for a while.
Keep going and trust God to make you better and more like who He needs you to be.
Word for Today
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-17
Song for Today Written and performed by Peter and his wife Gracie. Peter is her cargiver. I recently had the honor of meeting Peter.
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
I have accepted the call to be a caregiver. It is not an easy road. Please help me walk it. When I make mistakes, please forgive me and show me how to start over. Lift my spirit from the deep depths of despair. Teach me to walk with confidence knowing that you are with me. Give me ideas when mine are not working. Give me mentors who have already overcome their failures and moved on to finish the task.
On sleepless nights when I toss and turn, renew my mind with hope and peacefulness. Send friends and family to help share the load. Send strangers when no family or friend steps forward. Help me to turn anger at those I had counted on over to you before bitterness creeps in.
Forgive my mistakes and teach me how to forgive others. Work on all of us as we struggle to get this right.
Even caregivers are hearing and seeing the news and becoming heartbroken by what they are processing. Imagine having dementia and hearing words such as terrorist, war, torture, death or kidnapping. They may not have the ability to know it is across the ocean and not in their own neighborhood.
I urge you to shield and protect them from the words and images that can produce serious anxiety. While you my want to know what is going on, you must be cautious with what they might see or overhear.
Your life as a caregiver has its own trials and problems. Be careful to not become overwhelmed. Your added stress is easily picked up on by family members, especially the young and those with dementia. They are very adept at reading facial expressions. When you are anxious, take a moment to compose yourself before interacting. Say a prayer, listen to uplifting music and take a few deep breaths.
We can all pray for God’s peace.
Word for Today John 16:31-33 Jesus speaking to his disciples
“Do you now believe?” Jesus replied. “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
Thank you for making a way for us to have comfort and peace through your son, Jesus. On the days that are hard and we feel alone, you give us peace when the world is troubled. Help us to focus on you and your faithfulness to us.
What happens when we ignore the flashing warning light on our car dashboard?
If you find yourself sitting on the side of the road with smoke pouring out from under the hood, you know this is not going to be an easy fix.
Families and friends often recall there were warnings to alert them that someone was not running at their best. We tend to ignore the signs and keep moving ahead like nothing is amiss.
There may be misplaced items when you visit dad. He isn’t joking and laughing like he used to. In fact he has become a little irritable. It could be normal aging. He could feel bad or it could be the beginning of dementia.
There are signs to watch for that indicate Mild Cognitive Decline
Problem processing information
Poor judgment
Mood changes that are unpredictable
Frequent loss of things
Repeating stories or phrases in the same conversation
Impulsive behavior
Memory lapses
Struggles with language
Difficulty with decision making
Overwhelmed with complex task
Possible Causes of MCD
Stress, depression or anxiety
Thyroid, kidney or liver problems
Sleep disorders
Low vitamin B12 levels
Infections (especially urinary tract infections)
Vision or hearing problems
Side effects of medications
Your risk of later developing dementia caused by Alzheimer’s disease or other neurological conditions may be greater if you have MCD. Some people never get worse.
It is critical to watch for the signs and let a neurologist examine them. Do not just ignore the signs.
Since I referenced the car to begin with, I will get on my soapbox for a few minutes. Taking the car keys is not fun! You must recognize that memory loss is not the only issue. Tracking devices can be used. Judging the situation, having slower reflex responses, changes in spatial distance, and not being able to remain focused are the other issues.
Last week I was on a 4 lane road when I noticed everyone getting over. A car was traveling at 5 miles per hour. People were changing lanes and zipping past it. Alarms went off in my head. I passed slowly and observed the driver. She was in her 80’s and looking around frantically. I decided to pull over, let her pass and get behind her. My plan was to call 911 and follow her until someone arrived to assist her.
As I waited for her to near me, she put her blinker on and pulled into a parking lot. She was on her phone when I approached her car. She let her window down and told me she was on the phone. I heard a man’s voice and asked if it was her son. She replied, “yes”. I asked her if I could speak to him. She simply handed me the phone.
After explaining that I observed his mom driving so slow and realizing she must be lost, I offered to assist. I told him my name and that I taught classes about Alzheimer’s disease and led support groups for caregivers. I gave him my number and advised him to check me out through the library where I taught.
He shared that his mom was lost and this had happened a few times in the past. I drove to her destination and had her follow me.
This is why you take the car keys. What I left out in this situation is that she was 2 counties from her home. If she had simply kept driving, she would have been in another state in 15 minutes. It is evident that her judgment is impaired as well. She was super friendly, rolled her window down, and handed me her phone. I am trust worthy and was doing what I could to protect her.
She could have been shot because of road rage. She could have been taken hostage. She could have been robbed. She could have been hit by someone not paying close attention. Our world is not as safe as it used to be.
Do not be afraid to watch for the signs of dementia. If it is dementia, you cannot change it. You can change you to prepare for the future. You are becoming a caregiver. I recently read two statements that have remined on my mind and caused a lot of reflection.
Caregiving doesn’t end your life. It changes it.
Few would respond to this job description
Caregiver -Life changing job
Long hours (36 hours a day)
Do all driving, meal prep, cleaning, lawn work and laundry
Able to handle emotional outburst
Specialize in finding lost objects
Never argue your point
Provide calmness in the midst of chaos
Be an advocate with doctors, lawyers, insurance agents
No sick days, holidays or vacation
Expect NO PAY and EXTRA EXPENSES
You will be responding if you love the one needing care. When you say yes, God shows up. He walks each step with you. You are not alone. You will find that God placed everything inside of you that you will need. You will be challenged and stretched like never before. You will lose your pride. It will be more important to focus on what really matters than to see and be seen on social media. You will make sacrifices. You will make difficult choices. You might even feel isolated, lonely and deserted by family and freinds. Jesus walks through the trials with you.
You are strong enough to notice the signs and seek out help. You are strong enough to handle the diagnosis. You are strong enough to be a caregiver. Don’t bury your head in the sand.
Word for Today
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Psalm 73:23-24
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
This is a big request today. Open my eyes to see that the needs around me. Give me ears to hear as you guide me. I admit this brings a little fear but I trust you to be with me.
Being a caregiver is exhausting. It is so easy to forget that even a few moments in nature can refresh us. I encourage you to set aside a few minutes each day to get outdoors. Think back to what it was like to explore with a toddler. They pick up rocks, smell flowers, chase butterflies. They have fun. When you explore with an older adult with dementia, it can be similar. Instead of a stroller you may have a walker or wheelchair. Take your loved one out. Slow down. Talk about what you hear, smell and see. You may find a renewed connection that you have been missing intensely.
For me spring raced into summer and a family wedding that required travel. On this trip we had no agenda except to be at the wedding on time. We stopped to buy zinnias at a roadside stand. We pulled over to take in views of the Shenandoah valley and coast of Maryland. We revisited the falls we swam under 42 years ago. Caregiving has truly made me never take special moments for granted. I realize that my husband and best friend is not getting younger. We need to reboot after years of raising children and being caregivers to our parents. We need to enjoy the simple things.
Fall is approaching now and I love watching the colors change, so a drive on Natchez Trace into Tennessee is on my mind. We usually see plenty of deer and wild turkeys. What can you do to enjoy the change of seasons? Perhaps have hot cocoa while sitting near a window or watching football is an option. Drive to a park and watch children play if you can get outside. Walk in the leaves and kick them up even. Relax and live in the moment.
I have to share that two exciting things for me are our local Walk to End Alzheimer’s and an annual symposium for caregivers that a group I belong to hosts. If there is a walk near you, please get your family and friends to walk to honor the one you take care of.
Our symposium is in the northwest corner of Alabama. Anyone interested in coming can leave a comment for more information. It is free and lunch is provided. God has orchestrated us securing some incredible speakers. We will learn, laugh and cry together. We don’t plan that. It just always happens when you are surrounded with people who know just how you feel.
When you question how can I do these things you suggest. Know that you just take a moment when you can. God will meet you on this journey. I give Him credit for so many of the ideas he gives me for caregivers. My husband just shared today with a friend that when he is really struggling with a complex problem at work, God awakens him with a solution. He cares about every detail of your life. Place your trust and hope in that.
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
We praise you for being steadfast in our world and homes. Life is swirling around us with so many loud voices calling for our attention. We are already stretched meeting the needs of the one we care for. You are always the same and never changing. Anchor us in you and your word as we get pulled in many directions. Give us your wisdom and peace.
Walking Them Home 