A martyr is someone that puts something or someone first at a cost to them. My children had a wicked sense of humor. After hearing the story I am about to share, they played the martyr game.
In a large family, the mother would always place a platter of fried chicken on the table. Then she would choose the neck for herself. Her children would offer her any other piece. Her reply was always the same, “I prefer the neck”.
We all know she was making sure her family had more meat to eat. My kids would make comments such as “I will be cold, you take the blanket”. Another might be “you eat the ice cream since I don’t really like it”. Their comments were sarcastic and would turn into the next one taking it to an extreme in their sacrifice. They called it I am the biggest martyr.
Their game was all in fun. Unfortunately, some caregivers play this game without knowing it.
I sat at the bedside of my very independent and stubborn relative this weekend. She has a heart condition that landed her in the hospital. Her daughter, grandchild and I were very concerned. She is a caregiver. She denies her own health issues and tries to hide them.
If this sounds like someone looking back at you in the mirror, you are guilty of being the martyr.
Putting your own needs aside to be a caregiver is a fact of life. You find your role very demanding. You ask yourself “when do I have time to take care of myself?”.
There are many sacrifices you will be forced to make. Some of them are costly.
You must discern when it is something you can make adjustments on and keep a good attitude about or when it is dangerous. You are extremely important to the one you are the caregiver for. If you ignore your own health issues, who will take your place?
My relative’s own independent spirit and need to be in control was causing her to shut out other family members that could assist her. This is a dangerous place to be. Do not be guilty of this. Find someone willing to help that you trust. They may not do things the exact way you do, but that is alright.
As an adult child with a busy life, I wanted to be interrupted when my parents needed me. The time I spent with them is treasured. The experience of caregiving made me a much stronger person. I learned valuable lessons. Your children may be waiting to be asked to help. Your job of protecting and providing for them has passed. You should not protect them by not asking for their assistance.
A book that I read when my mother first showed signs of mental illness opened my eyes. It was written by a woman who lived a distance from her family and stayed too busy to realize her parents had declining health. When she finally went to visit, it was too late. Her mother no longer recognized her and her father was in very poor health. She said her final goodbye to them and then faced her regrets. This moved her so much that she gave up her high salary and took a job as an aid at an assisted living. She made it her mission to learn all she could and pass the information on to other families.
This pushed me to research, learn and do all I could for my parents. I did not want them suffering and I did not want to live with regrets for being too busy to be there for them.
If I stepped on your toes today, good! This is a great time to reflect on who you can ask to help you. It is also time to schedule your own doctor appointments. I was guilty of not doing that myself. I had filled the paperwork out so many times for my parents that it was automatic. After they passed away, I scheduled an appointment for myself. I was checking boxes like crazy.
- High blood pressure
- Diabetes
- Confusion
- Incontinence
- Alzheimer’s disease
- High Cholesterol
- Congestive Heart
Suddenly, I realized what I was doing and asked the receptionist for a new sheet. Can you imagine the physician’s reaction when he saw that list? I was really glad I caught myself.
I know your time is limited and you must be a martyr in many ways, you just don’t need to be the biggest martyr.
Turning over control to anyone is not easy. I suggest you turn over complete control to God. He can then give you wisdom and discernment in all decisions. This will give you more peace and less stress.
Word for Today
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
I praise you for helping me carry this load. Help me to know what I need to do and when to ask for help. Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to ask for help. Give me the ability to trust others when I need too.
Amen
Walking Them Home 