Every caregiver I know has made a mistake and then felt like a failure. My most recent one happened in a hospital almost a year ago. Now I can forgive myself and even see some humor in it. At the moment right after it happened I was standing in a hallway with tears streaming down my face.
My mother-in-law was a very determined woman who was used to getting her way. She had vascular dementia and was grieving the loss of her husband. A fall in the wee hours of the morning had caused a hospital stay. She was a fall risk, highly paranoid of everything and everyone and weak. My husband and I had been taking turns going home to rest. I had been with her all day. Anxiety had been building all day. The new medications prescribed for hallucinations and delusions had been ordered but not started. After fighting with her sheets, she was determined to get up. I was sitting at the corner of her bed with my arms spanning the corner between her bed rails while trying to be gentle and calm as she threw punches, kicked and yelled.
Imagine a five foot tall person sitting at the foot of the bed and blocking her from getting up. I had a foot stretched out trying to hit the nurse call button. Words were coming out that I had never heard from her. Then she screamed at me that I was the most demanding person she had ever met. Due to exhaustion, I lost it. I firmly replied back, “No, you are”.
Regret hit instantly. I knew it was the disease causing the behavior. I teach classes on how to remain calm and reassuring. Exhaustion and the pain of seeing her this way overtook me. When the nurses finally came, they immediately paged her doctor. He stopped outside her door to ask what was happening. After calmly filling him in, tears began to roll. My husband, who had no idea of what had just transpired, turned the corner. He saw my tears and ran to me with a look of fear. I reassured him that his mom was still very much alive and then escaped to a waiting room to pull myself back together.
I sat in a corner asking God to forgive me for not being more patient. Just like the photo above, I had palced a sign on myself saying “FAILURE!”. God forgave me and for the next few weeks I sat patiently by my mother-in-law’s side. I massaged her hands with lotion. I pushed her to the window to watch birds at the feeder, I gently coached her to eat. We listened to music and she brushed a stuffed cat we had given her. In the last moments, my husband and I sat holding her hand and praying. God enabled us to be the caregiver she deserved.
How do you move beyond feeling like a failure? Every caregiver I know has felt like a failure. We made a choice to respond in a way that is not the best. The feelings of regret, guilt and hopelessness eat away at us.
Caregivers make mistakes. Causes of mistakes can be any of the below:
- Lack of knowledge
- Exhaustion
- Frustration
- Anger
- Resentment of no help
- Financial stress
- Lack of sleep
- Changes in behavior issues
- Isolation
Each of us can remember the day we blew it. We can beat ourselves up or try again. Truthfully, you have no choice but to try again. Try to focus on what you did right. Ask for forgiveness. Correct what you got wrong. Wipe the tears. Remove the failure sign from around your neck and start over.
If you are a football fan, you most likely have heard of Jalen Hurts. He had a bright future and loads of potential as a starting quarterback at the University of Alabama. He was benched because of a few poorly executed plays in an important playoff game. He watched another quartrback from the sidelines for a whole season before transfering to Oklahoma and then went on to be an unlikely draft pick. Today he leads the Philadelphia eagles.
Jalen chose to use the defeats and pain to grow stronger. He didn’t give up when the going got tough. He dug in and worked hard to be a success. Many long nights were spend as he mulled over disappointments.
You may not be an athlete, but you have to have the same determination and drive to be a caregiver. You spend long nights mulling over how you became a caregiver and how a disease has robbed you of dreams.
Try putting the emphasis on the positive.
The only way I survived was trusting God to guide my steps. He taught me to focus on grace instead of guilt. He taught me to serve without becoming bitter toward those who didn’t step up to help. His steadfast love toward me showed me how to give the same unconditional love to others. His forgiveness when I failed allowed me to forgive myself.
This past weekend I was honored to sit in a room for a day with family and professional caregivers. I looked into the eyes of people who give it their best and still have failures. It let me know cargiving is hard for all of us. Together we learned, laughed, cried and shared our stories. This was not an awards ceremony with red carpets and fancy clothes . Cheerleaders and fans were not going crazy on the sidelines. No large checks or trophies were handed out. We didn’t need that. We all looked around and understood we were winners!
You said yes to caregiving. You are a winner.
You, however, have chosen to face challenges that are downright hard. You receive little glory and no money. You are strong because you pick yourself up and keep going. Making mistakes and learning from them makes you winners. One day you will stand before God and hear the words “well done”.
I didn’t want to leave this without sharing an idea we used with our teens on a youth retreat once. Some of our teens carried a lot of anger and resentment due to people failing them. We sent them on a walk on a farm with stations set up to stop at and then follow the instructions there. The most powerful thing they did was stop at the stone station. The instructions were to pick up a stone for each person they were angry at. They were to pray and forgive that person. Then they were to throw that stone across the field as they forgave them. They were not to leave until they had found peace in their hearts.
Do you need a pile of stones to throw? Just look into the invisible heavy backpack you have been wearing. Find a quiet place to seek God and toss those stones away. You will walk away from offenses that you have been collecting for a while.
Keep going and trust God to make you better and more like who He needs you to be.
Word for Today
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-17
Song for Today Written and performed by Peter and his wife Gracie. Peter is her cargiver. I recently had the honor of meeting Peter.
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
I have accepted the call to be a caregiver. It is not an easy road. Please help me walk it. When I make mistakes, please forgive me and show me how to start over. Lift my spirit from the deep depths of despair. Teach me to walk with confidence knowing that you are with me. Give me ideas when mine are not working. Give me mentors who have already overcome their failures and moved on to finish the task.
On sleepless nights when I toss and turn, renew my mind with hope and peacefulness. Send friends and family to help share the load. Send strangers when no family or friend steps forward. Help me to turn anger at those I had counted on over to you before bitterness creeps in.
Forgive my mistakes and teach me how to forgive others. Work on all of us as we struggle to get this right.
We praise you for never forsaking us.
Amen
Walking Them Home 