In normal conversation we ask questions and reason with someone we disagree with. These are skills we mastered as mere toddlers. Asking question is how we learn. Why is the sky blue? Why do chickens lay eggs and cats have kittens? A toddler will ask a million questions and expect answers. An adult with dementia will hear a million questions and become frustrated.
The reasoning skills are practiced early as well. Think of a three year old using this presuasive speech. I need the cookie because I am hungry. If you really love me you will give me a cookie now. Susie’s mom lets her have cookies for lunch. With puppy dog eyes and poked out lips they plead their case to get that cookie.
After vast years of questioning and reasoning, we have very much mastered these tools as a normal part of interaction with those around us. It is a large part of how we communicate.
Today I have some startling news! You are a caregiver for someone with dementia. Neither of these skills are effective anymore. Actually when used they cause a day of choas in the home. Leading a conversation with the words “don’t you remember” only sets up confusion. The answer 99% of the time is no or a blank stare.
How do you feel if someone follows you around all day pointing out your failures? That is what asking someone with dementia to remember is doing. Their brain is failing them and they often realize this. We should not ask them to remember. We should focus on the present more.
Trying to reason with someone with dementia isn’t wise either. Their rational thoughts are gone now. Asking them to think rationally is like asking a blind person to see.
It is so difficult to train our brains to respond in different ways. We have to pause and approach with caution or there will be outbursts of anger or tears from you and the one you are caring for. Peace should be our goal. Being right is no longer important. Being safe and providing a loving envirionment is important.
There are several things that seem to cause conflict the most. Money is always a sore spot. Let’s listen in on a pretend conversation.
Mom: You took all my money.
You: No mom I did not. You know I wouldn’t do that.
Mom: Yes you took it all. I don’t even have a dollar.
You: Mom, you don’t need money. I pay for what you need.
Mom: Yes. With my money
How did that go? Let’s try a different approach.
Mom: You took all of my money.
You: I understand you are concerned about your money. It is in a safe place.
Mom: Where is it? I don’t see any.
You: It is in the bank. Would you like to go for a ride? I can drive to the machine at the bank and get us some money out. Then you can pay for us to have an ice cream treat.
Mom: I want chocolate.
You acknowledged her concern about her money. You reassured her that it was safe. You distracted her with the ice cream and let her save face by buying it herself.
Has anyone had struggles at bath time? I already took my bath is the standard reply most people hear. Keep in mind that in their mind they think they did or they may simply be fearful of the bath or shower. The water may feel or sound different. They may not remember the steps that it takes to bath. My own mother would stand in the shower but never actually go through the steps of reaching for a bathcloth, applying soap, rinsing off, etc. The whole process was too overwhelming without gentle reminders and assistance.
Try gathering a change of clothing and laying out everything you will need ahead of time. Relax together and then try to gently guide them into the bath while talking about something else. Playing their favorite music in the background may also help.
When I discussed not asking them to remember, I did not mean you cannot talk about past events. Sometimes they love hearing stories and photos from earlier years. They may talk with you as you discuss the fun you had at the beach or the wedding of a grandchild.
With a little practice you can learn to never ask someone with dementia to remember or be rational.
Over the last several weeks, I have heard from caregivers that are struggling. God has prompted me to address the importance to taking time to renew yourself spiritually. This is a demanding and exhausting time. You may feel like you are in a desert and forgottern. You are not forgotten. God sees, God equips and God loves.
Word for Today
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12
Song for Today
Someone is feeling alone and in distress. Please listen to this with an open heart.
Prayer for Today
Thank you God for seeing me in my situation. Thank you for leading me into your presence and bringing me peace when stress mounts and I get frustrated. Continue to use me even on the days that I struggle and make mistakes. Let everything I do and say as a cargiver bring glory to you.
Amen
Walking Them Home 