Deer often stop suddenly and stare into headlights of a vehicle coming toward them. They seem to be frozen. Fears and surprise combine to cause fear to keep them there. People caught in extreme surprise, fear and confusion freeze as well. Unable to think clearly, they do not know what to do, so they do nothing.
This is a condition often referred to as analysis paralysis. What does it mean? To simplify the idea, imagine being overwhelmed with so much information that you can’t process it all. Someone is breathing down your neck asking you to make a decision. How can you make a decision before you weigh out causes and effects? How can you even think clearly, with so much running around in your mind? Exhaustion and frustration build as you stand frozen.
Caregivers are hit with surprises and information while decisions have to be made. You do not always have a lot of time to process and mull over ideas in a time of crisis. You make your decisions the best you can.
Then you second guess your decisions. Guilt slips in and you fear judgment and criticism from family and friends. This is exhausting and frustrating. You are not alone. Every caregiver I know experiences this to some degree.
Keep in mind that you usually have information about the person you take care of that everyone else does not have. Even someone with dementia still tries to appear normal around others. The doorbell rings and you open the door to a niece and her family. After an afternoon of trying so hard to appear normal, your husband has used all of his energy. Almost as soon as the car pulls away, he has an angry outburst. You deal with his childlike temper tantrum while your relatives have this discussion on the way home.
“I just don’t understand why Aunt Jennie insists that Uncle Kevin has dementia. He laughed with our kids. He knew our names. He seems perfectly normal. It was so pleasant I wish we had planned to stay longer than 45 minutes”.
Go ahead. Laugh at how absurd it is for them to comprehend what living with Uncle Kevin is really like 24 hours a day. Forgive them and be grateful they at least came to visit. Plan on letting them stay longer the next time while you go out to lunch with a friend and then run errands at a leisurely pace. Sometimes they have to experience a little abnormal behavior to believe you.
What can be done to prepare before the headlights blind you? Think ahead of possible scenarios. By researching, you can learn what to expect as their disease progresses. Consider options for care as this happens. If you are the sole caregiver, have a backup plan. Who is your emergency backup?
Find a local or online support group. You can share ideas and difficulties with people who truly get it. I love seeing the caregivers in our group laugh and cry together. The in person meeting allows hugs to be shared as well.
Friendships form and no one judges because we are all in the same boat rowing upstream. When we get frozen or stuck, we hop out and carry the boat until we are moving forward again.
Personally, the caregiving years have ended. My home is filled with boxes and furniture from our parents’ homes. Emotions, the sheer volume of items, and trying to figure our own future retirement out have left me in analysis paralysis.
Today I have set a goal of decluttering my life and home. It will be slow but it is way past time to do this. Does anyone need a set of dishes, cookware, tools, paintings or just about anything you can think of? Did I forget Christmas decor?We are not hoarders, we are inheritors!
Together we will take steps forward. You as caregivers and me as a survivor. God knows our future and he holds our hands. We can move forward in confidence and in God’s strength.
Truth for Today
When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus. Acts 4:13
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear Father God,
We thank you for sending your son, Jesus to save us and guide us as we live this earthly life. People saw the courage of Peter and John and took note that these men had been with Jesus. We are ordinary people just like them. Give us the courage they had when we feel paralyzed with confusion and fear. Give us strength to keep moving as caregivers.
Amen
Walking Them Home 