Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s requires a balancing act like no other task I know. You are shouldered with the responsibility of protecting someone from themselves and the world while still allowing them to be honored and respected as the person who struggles to still be themselves.
This becomes challenging as you learn to allow them to save face. None of us like to be embarrassed. In the early stages of dementia most caregivers that are spouses begin the process by finishing sentences for their loved one. They begin to cover for them even in doctor’s visits.
I want to address how to assist them in saving face by looking at some basic rules.
- Never argue. You don’t have to be right.
- Do not demand your own way.
- Allow them to complete their sentences when possible.
- Do not talk about them in front of them.
- Give physicians information about changes and concerns ahead of appointments. This allows the doctor to ask questions they already know the answer to while observing the patient’s responses.
- Prepare friends and family members before visits about behavior changes.
My daughter and her husband were visiting my parents. My daughter walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing with his hand on a coffee cup frozen in place with his back to the room. She stifled giggles when she realized he had been about to pour coffee when he saw my mom had entered the kitchen wearing only her underwear. Horrified, he just stayed in place so he would not embarrass her.
Here are a few suggestions that may help.
What do you do when the server keeps trying to take your loved one’s order at a restaurant?
When eating out, slip a note to the server asking them to please direct questions to you. Go to restaurants at less busy times. Bibs are not a bad thing to prevent stains. I made ones in pretty prints for my mom. There are ones for men that look like a shirt front. Know what they like and order for them.
What do you do when you are in public and your dad’s pants fall to the ground? You simply pull them up and keep going.
What do you do when they ask for a loved one that has passed away? You tell them they can’t visit today but maybe later. Never tell them they died. This can be a fresh loss to them each time you tell them.
What do you do when they ask the same question every 10 minutes?
Give a different answer each time to save your own sanity. For example, on a long car trip my mom asked, “What time did we leave?”. I knew what was about to happen so we had fun. It went something like this.
Mom What time did we leave?
Me Around 6 o’clock
Mom What time did we leave?
Me Right after breakfast
Mom What time did we leave
Me When the rooster crowed
I got sillier with each answer and it became a game that kept her entertained. Some people prefer giving the same answer hoping it will eventually stick.
A paid caregiver was looking at family photos with a lady. The lady told her that one was her daughter. She then mentioned her name, job and children. Within an hour the phone rang. The caregiver told her that her daughter was on the phone. She replied, “I don’t have a daughter”.
How do you respond?
- Yes, you do. Remember she is in that picture.
- Oh, I must be mistaken. Her name is Carol and she would like to talk to you.
Hint to the above…. never use the word remember!
How do you handle finances?
Limit the amount of cash they have on them. Get a new debit card and place a limit on it. This allows a little freedom but not enough to get taken advantage of or over spending.
Helping them save face may take practice, but it makes life smoother for both of you. There are so many days that cause both of you to be frustrated. God will give you the grace to take their hand while looking into their eyes and say, “I know you are frustrated. That is alright.”
A loving caregiver looked at me with tears and asked me when would someone take her hand and say those very words. Most of you have that same question on your mind. Take a deep breath and listen to my virtual voice. I know you are frustrated and that is perfectly alright. God knows you are frustrated as well. His strength truly is perfect when your is exhuasted.
Word for Today
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:29
Prayer for Today
Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank you for your strength when I am exhausted and frustrated. Even if the time I have with you seems to be squeezed in whenever it can be, I feel your presence through my demanding days. Forgive me for complaining but thank you for allowing me to run to you with all of my cares. Sometimes I can’t even take time to turn to a friend. Those I the times I lean on you.
Hear my heart and know I truly accept the role of a caregiver. Give me grace when I lose sight that it is all about showing your love as well as my own love. Remind me that this is for a season.
Amen
Song for Today
Walking Them Home 