This is a big question all caregivers face. At some point you find yourself walking around with your brain in the fog. You long for understanding. You long to know if you are doing the right thing. You long to find balance. You long to know that things will someday get better.
In the beginning I only saw the progression of Alzheimer’s disease as it robbed me of the relationship I had with my mom. I missed having conversations with her. I missed walking into her home and seeing her cleaning everything in sight. I missed eating her home cooked meal. I missed what had been our “normal” since I was born.
Then one day I realized I was allowing the fact that it wouldn’t return to normal to rob me of joy. It could be better if I relinquished my ideas and began to celebrate what I had left of my mom. We rocked on the front porch. I took her shopping and out for ice cream. As she became more child like I got a glimpse into a more carefree person who loved cookies and being silly. `
With filters no longer blocking her actions and words, I discovered that she loved to hum when we were in the car. Her fear of what others might think had obviously prevented this in the past. Little moments of joy kept me believing it could get better.
The heartache of sitting by her bedside for days as I bid her a final goodbye left pain that made me ask again, “When will it get better?”. Accepting that mom was no longer in pain and completely healed caused my focus to shift. I accepted that my life had to continue. I made a playhouse for a granddaughter. I watched football each weekend with my dad until he joined Mom in heaven. Then I focused on remodeling their home so that they would have loved the way it looked before being sold.
There are now days that I miss them terribly but things have gotten better. God continues to be faithful to heal my heart. His faithfulness meets us on the days we are asking, “When will it get better?”. Trust that He sees beyond the fog we get lost in.
I am reminded of a flight I was on. My husband was kind enough to let me have the window seat. It had been cloudy when we began the flight. At one point our plane seemed to be sandwiched between two layers of clouds. Brilliant light bounced around as it reflected and it was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. God will allow you to see beautiful things if you keep your focus on Him while waiting for things to get better.
Word for Today
For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. Psalm 33:4
Song for Today
Prayer for Today
Dear God,
You know me like no one does. You know my doubts, my fears, my weaknesses and my longing for things to get better. On the days that I don’t see your faithfulness please hold me close and know that I do still believe. I believe you are working and you have a plan for my life.
Thank you for not turning away when I have questions. Help me to trust you that things will get better even if your better is not what I had in mind.
Amen
Walking Them Home 